How to ask a backup to be a bridesmaid - Advice Requested

jrp0068

I have three best friends, I've already asked them to be MoH and bridesmaids. I've even already bought their gifts (which were limited edition and I can't get any more of). 

My Fiance is slightly OCD and cannot stand for our wedding parties to be different numbers. (I know it is widely accepted to have different numbers of groomsmen and bridesmaids, but he doesn't seem to get it) I am pretty laid back though and willing to accomodate - however, this means I need to find two extra bridesmaids. 

I am fairly certain a co-worker and one of his cousins would stand up with me, and I plan on buying their dresses, and giving them a spa day with the rest of us girls if they do- but I am not sure how to ask them without sounding like the absolute truth which is, "Hey I need two more people to stand up with me to appease my fiance, will you help a girl out?" 

I just feel like anything I do to try and ask them will be really obvious that we are not really close enough for them to be my bridesmaids and I'm desperate to fill the ranks. And I dont want them to feel awkward when we all hang out because as much as I will try to include them in everything, they just don't have the inside-jokes and history that my BFFs and I have.

Is it really okay to just ask them to be my bridesmaids with the understanding that all they have to do is show up to the wedding, rehearsal, and spa day for bridesmaids and that I will pay for everything? Seems a little cold, but I dont know what to do.  

winelover123

For awhile my FI thought we needed to have even numbers too - he hasn't seen a WP with uneven sides and thought it was weird. We talked about it a little while before I asked a friend to be a BM (she makes the sides uneven). He sucked it up and never said a word about it. Ask your friends and tell your FI to suck it up. You can't ask someone to be a potential back-up bridesmaid.

vk2204

In Response to Re: How to ask a backup to be a bridesmaid - Advice Requested:
[QUOTE]For awhile my FI thought we needed to have even numbers too - he hasn't seen a WP with uneven sides and thought it was weird.We talked about it a little while before I asked a friend to be a BM (she makes the sides uneven). He sucked it up and never said a word about it. Ask your friends and tell your FI to suck it up. You can't ask someone to be a potential back-up bridesmaid.
Posted by winelover123[/QUOTE]

Ditto this.

I convinced him that it would be okay and no one would think we were doing something wrong lol. It worked out perfectly!

OP, please don't ask someone just for the sake of even numbers.

wittykitty14

Sounds like you're really not comfortable doing this.  It's not a nice thing to do, and it seems like you know that.  Stand your ground.  You don't have to give in to your FI just because he wants even numbers. 

If he truly does have OCD, then he should be discussing this with professionals.  Even if he has it and is getting treatment, it's still not a legitimate reason to hurt your friend's feelings.  Talk to your FI about it-PPs have given you some arguments to back up your feelings about it.  Just don't do it.  Good luck to you!

Salsera29

Your instincts are right. There is no way to ask them without having it come off badly. Show this thread to your FI and tell him to get over it. 

BTW, we have the exact same ratio as you will...5 guys and 3 girls. 

calliopeia2013

In Response to Re: How to ask a backup to be a bridesmaid - Advice Requested:
[QUOTE]If it was so important to your FI, then he should have waited until you asked your BMs and then only asked that many people to be on his side (which would still be ridiculous, but at least it's his choice). It is not okay for him to push his issue onto you. Have your three and let him suck it up. Also, unless he is actually diagnosed with OCD and this is one of his triggers, it's not cool to use that as an excuse here. He's just being a pain. [ETA: Spelling]
Posted by elizabethriley[/QUOTE]

Seconding all of these things.

OP, I have been asked to be a backup bridesmaid because the bride wanted even sides.  It was really hurtful (I actually declined), and it damaged my relationship with the bride because I felt like she was treating me like a prop and didn't really care whether I was there or not.  It sounds like you already kinda know this.  Don't let your FI talk you into mistreating your friends (especially over something so irrelevent as even sides).

Bubblegum5586

If you feel the girls will feel out of place and hurt then you shouldn't ask them and just keep your sides uneven BUT..... it may depend on the person too. I was a add on to make the wedding party sides even once... and honestly I was still happy to be a part of it. I know I wasn't her first choice but she had a spot to fill and she picked me. I looked at it as a way to grow our relationship futher in the future by being a part of her special day. (although this couple is now divorced and she is longer a part of my life anymore..... so I guess I just disproved my point I was making!)

zitiqueen

What medication is your FI taking for his OCD diagnosis?

mc4dj13

Never place someone in your wedding party as a "filler" just to make the pictures look better. The memory of the day being shared by those friends and family nearest to you is all you need. Who cares if it is uneven? Guys usually don't fret about this type of thing- in my experience. Stand by the friends you have chosen and tell your fiance to up his dosage on the wedding day if he really suffers from OCD.

jlm9113

Your FI is being ridiculous and you should be able to tell him in no uncertain terms how absurd he's being.  There's being accomodating and then there's supporting irrational behavior that has the potential to hurt other people and their feelings.