A little Lost (sad)

KD+AR

Ok so I have mentioned in a few other posts that I have a hard family situation. 

So I have 3 bridesmaids and a MOH. My MOH is my bestie and my Maids are my sisters. 2 of my sisters (twins) are heading out to college in the fall and I told them when I first got engaged (Jan of last year) that I wanted them to be bridesmaids, and that since they have jobs, that I would need them to save the money for the dresses. I offered to cover their accessories but they needed to do the dress. Well... they leave in 3 months and have no money saved for the dresses, but instead spent several thousand dollars on a trip to Greece, and they need to be ordered before they go....... So now I am stuck either paying for the dresses (which I can't afford) or being like I am sorry I can't have you in the wedding. I have several friends who wanted to be part of the wedding and I had to disappoint them, but are fully willing to step in. I just don't know if I am being unreasonable or not. My stepfather won't pay for the dresses and my other sister is a Jr. bridesmaid as she will be only 16 during the wedding and she lives with my dad and step mom. Help me figure out how to do this!! I feel like a bridezilla. 

jennylee813

I don't know how far away your wedding is, but it seems like you have a while yet. How do you know that they don't have the money saved up? How do you know that they won't?

If they don't get the dresses, they will take themselves out of the wedding; you don't have to do that. Did you discuss how much they could afford to spend on dresses? Maybe you picked something that was too expensive for them.

Do not replace them with friends. Your friends will know that they are second choice, and no one wants that. 

If you really want your sisters to be your bridesmaids, tell them to pick ANY dress in x colour, and be happy that they are standing beside you when you marry your sweetheart. Because honestly, that's the only thing that matters at the end of the day - that you are married to the love of your life.

missfrodo

Yes, you should have asked them initially, in private, what each of their budgets were for the dress, then selected something in the lowest price point.  It doesn't sound like you did that, but like jennylee said, it's not too late to ask them to select a dress in the color you wanted.  

If you kick your sisters out b/c they couldn't afford the dress YOU wanted in a budget YOU made for them, it will hurt the relationship you have with them now.  Don't worry about how they spend their own money on themselves--I would much rather spend $1000 to go to Greece than spend that kind of money on a BM dress I'm only going to wear once. Let them spend what they are willing and able to afford for your wedding.  

If you do kick them out, DO NOT replace them.  Even if your friends would not be offended to be "replacements," your sisters will be offended that they can be so easily replaced.  Being part of the WP a way for a bride to honor those dearest to her.  You chose your sisters to stand by you for a reason; remind yourself of that reason before ending it over a dress budget.  

misssunshine17

Don't have people 'step in'... it's hurtful because they're obviously second best. 

Can you switch the dress to a color the might all have in their closet? LBD?

MairePoppy

Don't replace your sisters. 

Get the 'order by' date from the bridal salon and give the information to your sisters. If they don't order their dresses in time for the wedding, they have taken themselves out of the wedding party. It's that simple. 

KD+AR

I don't want to "Replace" my sisters but I can't afford to buy their dress, their father won't help... and our mother passed away so she isn't around to help. And the "step-in" part I understand it could be seen as second best and hurtful, but the two girls who want to understand it wasn't a lack of love for them, but we were limited for space in the bridal party due to expenses. I love my sisters very much, and no I shouldn't care how they spend their money... its just hurtful when you go out of your way for someone for years and they can't keep the one thing I asked them to do in mind, and make selfish decisions instead. And it wasn't the fact that going to Greece was such a problem, it was the fact that they had plenty of time to save a little money aside. I haven't picked any dresses... I told them there was 4 requirements, length, color, material type, and brand. We decided on Davids Bridal since it was the cheapest. I asked that we all order at the same time to make it in the same dye lot. I really didn't care after that, and they have several very pretty dresses for $75. I wasn't asking for $300 dresses or anything. I was trying to be reasonable. I think part of my problem is they have brushed me off several times at this point and are making me feel like they are in the wedding because I am making them (which I am not, I asked them if they wanted to and they said yes). I am just really frustrated. I love them, but I feel like I am being brushed aside.

Xstatic3333

What I would do is ask your sisters their budgets. If DB has dresses in their budgets, just tell them color and style and leave it on them to have the dress by the wedding. They may be able to buy one used or take advantage of an online sale. Don't worry about dye lots, I don't think that's a big issue with DB since the colors are mixed by computer program.

If DB dresses are not in their budget switch the plan to LBDs. Despite the backstory I would not ask your friends to step in, for the reasons PP mentioned. You could still honor them as readers or invite them to get ready with you on the big day. Just remember, step 1 is getting those budgets! Even $70 is out of budget for some.

OliveOilsMom

So when is your wedding?  You didn't answer that question yet.

Also dye lots aren't a big deal anymore.  Computers do the dye mixing and it's a lot more accurate.  If there is a small difference, it probably won't be noticed.

Remember that no one will be as excited for your wedding as you are.  So if your sisters aren't excited about the wedding, don't worry about it.  Talk to people who are excited by wedding, like us!  I know at their age (college range), I loved to travel and would do so at any opportunity!

Just give them a final buy by date for the dresses.  Then, if they don't buy them, they removed themselves from the wedding party.  Also, do not replace them.  YOU will look like the bad person to your family when they don't see your sisters up there at your wedding.  Your friends may not care, but don't you think your sister might when they see they are replaceable?

MairePoppy

You're not obligated to pay for your sister's dresses. No one is suggesting that. 

Don't worry about dye lots. The dresses that your bms order from DB will come from a warehouse. I don't think they can guarantee that the dresses will come from the same dye lot, not that it matters. The dye lot line is a tactic that sales people use to pressure brides into ordering all the dresses at once. They have to make their sales quotas. 

We are still waiting to hear - when is your wedding? My daughter ordered her wedding dress from David's. They projected it would be take about 3 months to arrive at the store. It was delivered in 3 weeks. I believe they have their dresses in warehouses around the country. They aren't made to order.

I'll take your word for it that your friends are okay with 'stepping in.' But there's a flip side - how do would your sisters feel to know that they are easily replaced?

erinlin25

If you have not picked a dress yet then I really would not worry-- Give them a color and let them get a dress.  If they get one, they are bridesmaids; if not, they have taken themselves out--but do not kick them out.  Its OK to be disappointed, but its nothing worth stressing over.  Please do not replace them either.  Heck, they can even just wear what they would wear as a guest and they could still be your bridesmaids.  Hand them some flowers, they walk down the aisle--done!  No rules that they have to match and wear the same color even.  Be excited for them--they are graduating and senior trip is a special opportunity.

also your 16 YO sister is a bridesmaid!  Jr. is for a little girl (like 8-12), not a 16 Year Old. IMO  

KD+AR

I am not saying its my business on how they spend their money. My wedding is in a year... my point is though that they are leaving to go to college on the other side of the country at the end of the summer, and no it wouldn't be an easy replacement and its not a replacement in all honesty. And. I am not a bridezilla or anything, but how come I am getting pointed at for not thinking of their feelings when they didn't think of mine? I understand they are teenagers and I understand they are going to school and all, and their one responsibility was to buy a dress. Especially with them going to schools one in FL and one in AZ... we live in New England. so when do we have time for going otherwise? One of them already said they weren't coming home for Christmas....I have planned everything around their schedule with going to college and they have been hurtful. I don't know if any other brides out there understand that. I just seem to be the bad guy for having that one expectation of them which I was told was the ONLY expectation I should have of any of my bridesmaids.

jennylee813

They have tons of time to get their dresses. DB's are all over the country too, so they could get one anywhere...

I don't see how they've been hurtful; as PP said, no one is going to be as excited about your wedding as you. They're excited about beginning the next phase of their lives too - they're going off to college. That's a big deal too.

Your wedding is one day.

It's also next year. Why the rush to have them buy a dress that's going to sit in a closet for a year? Anything could happen between now and then - they could NEED the dress money for something else, they could gain/lose a lot of weight and need to get another dress next year.

No one is calling you a bad guy - we're just trying to get you to see that they don't need to order their dresses this early. They only have one responsibility; to show up in a dress at your wedding, and if you've given them a lot of choices (as you say you have), let go. They'll get it done when the time is right for them. (My wedding is two months and a bit out - my MOH doesn't have her dress yet. I told her to find something that makes her feel beautiful. The other girls are wearing dresses of their choice in sage green and the flowers are shades of purple. I'm leaving the rest to her. It's much more important to me to have her there with me than what she's wearing.)

Xstatic3333

I agree with jennylee, you have plenty of time and I bet that as long as DB is in budget your sisters will come through for you. I have six BMs, but only a few wanted to come on a big shopping trip together. We went, and those who preferred to go on their own time did so later. Two of the six bought their dresses within two days of the deadline I gave them, which was 4 months out from my wedding date.

Nobody is trying to make you feel like a bad guy, just consider where they might be coming from. The good news is you have plenty of time, and since DB is nationwide and you're already open to them each wearing different styles this should all work out fine. It's fine to be privately bummed they weren't ready to shop before college starts, but it's likely for the best since so many women gain or lose weight when they go off to school. They'll be less likely to need alterations if they wait 6-9 months or so. Do they come home for the holidays? If they are open to a group shopping trip maybe you could go in early January (though I'd be sensitive that its an expensive time of year for people).

MairePoppy

Your sisters are leaving on a trip to Greece and then starting school far away from home at the end of summer. Can you possibly imagine how exciting this all must be for them. They are concentrating on finishing high school and starting their adult lives. There is no way that anyone else's milestone events are going to compete with that - especially a wedding that is a year away. 

TBH, it's unreasonable  for you to expect them to buy dresses that will sit in their closets for a year-especially when they are wrapped up in buying school supplies and clothing for their trip.You have given them a color. They can pop into DBs anywhere in the country about 3 months before your wedding to pick out their dresses. DB will ship the dress to whichever store is convenient for them to have their alterations done. 

KD+AR said:

I am not saying its my business on how they spend their money. My wedding is in a year... my point is though that they are leaving to go to college on the other side of the country at the end of the summer, and no it wouldn't be an easy replacement and its not a replacement in all honesty. And. I am not a bridezilla or anything, but how come I am getting pointed at for not thinking of their feelings when they didn't think of mine? I understand they are teenagers and I understand they are going to school and all, and their one responsibility was to buy a dress. Especially with them going to schools one in FL and one in AZ... we live in New England. so when do we have time for going otherwise? One of them already said they weren't coming home for Christmas....I have planned everything around their schedule with going to college and they have been hurtful. I don't know if any other brides out there understand that. I just seem to be the bad guy for having that one expectation of them which I was told was the ONLY expectation I should have of any of my bridesmaids.

winelover123

Don't make your BMs buy a dress right now - I bought them for my BMs a year and a half out. One BM is pregnant right now. Luckily, we got ours off the rack (reason why I bought them so early), so it wasn't expensive and wasn't money out of their pockets - just mine. I'd suggest just telling them a color dress to get or have them go to DB a few months out.

KD+AR

Sorry for the rant earlier ladies. I am sure everyone understands how stressful this time can be. And yes I know its a year out... I know part of my issue is that I have family issues, and I am extremely upset with them for things that don't include the wedding stuff, so I think my hurt from other things is bleeding into this, and just causing extra stress. I just want to be a part of their buying a dress to be closer to them, since they won't be around when I buy my dress, or the bridal shower, my MOH was trying to have the bridal shower in early January so they could be a part of it, and they said they weren't coming home because they didn't want to. Not because they couldn't afford it, especially after my stepfather offered to pay. They just won't. So I guess I am just doing a luncheon with my youngest sister and my MOH.....

MairePoppy

Your relationship with your sisters isn't going to change because of your wedding If you want to be closer to them, try doing things with them that aren't related to your wedding. They have a few big things coming up - graduation, their trip and college. Take them out for lunch to celebrate their things. When your big days come around, they may feel more excited for you.