Grrr...FI just doesn't understand etiquette. rant

laylasaurus

Has anyone else had a problem with FI being completely oblivious to proper etiquette?  Mine is driving me nuts, he seems to think that because both of our families and friends are so "laid back" that they "don't mind" if we don't follow certain rules as far as properly hosting people.  For example, when I was gathering his family's addresses for STDs and invitations, he was all "Just send one to AdultCousinX's parents, they'll spread the word among their own family, they can let us know if he plans on coming, he probably won't remember to RSVP anyway".  Ummm how about no? He just doesn't understand that you don't send an adult's STD or Invitation to his PARENTS to respond for him!  I don't care if his cousin is irresponsible and likely not to rsvp, that's why we CALL if we haven't heard.

Then today he told me he thinks that it's ok to not have a chair for everyone at dinner since our friends "are going to want to mingle and won't want to have to feel like they are at a stuffy sit down dinner".  I honestly don't know where he got this idea, I'm pretty sure every single one of our friends will want to sit down to eat; it's not like we'll be forcing everyone to stay seated the entire time.  If for some reason people want to wander with their plates, thats their decision.  Also, he thinks we should put a tip jar out for our bartenders because the majority of our friends work in the restaurant/bar industry and will "want" to tip.  While it's true that many of them in all likelihood will be tipping because it is simply in their nature to do so, I'm not putting out a friggin jar as we don't want to give the impression to any guests that they are expected to.  If they want to, they can leave it on the bar for the bartenders to pick up like normal. 

These have all been like 40 min discussions where I have to explain over and over why these things are rude.  It blows my mind; I KNOW his mother didn't raise him that way,  I'll probably end up forcing him to read some TK etiquette threads... or beat him over the head with an etiquette book. He is normally very good about this sort of thing, it took me forever to get used to him ALWAYS opening doors or pulling out my chair for me.   I don't know where this is suddenly coming from.  Send invites to adult guests' parents...dear lord. 

edited for spelling

TiaTea

In Response to Grrr...FI just doesn't understand etiquette. rant:
[QUOTE]Has anyone else had a problem with FI being completely oblivious to proper etiquette?  Mine is driving me nuts, he seems to think that because both of our families and friends are so "laid back" that they "don't mind" if we don't follow certain rules as far as properly hosting people. 
Posted by laylasaurus[/QUOTE]
I feel for you
In my experience a lot of people respond better when reason is given. Etiquette is not something out of the blue. It is , actually a commons sense compilation of good practices with the goal of achieving comfort and convenience for everybody.
So instead of arguing that this is the proper thing to do, present him with the reason.
For example, you send a separate invitation to adult people, because that puts you in control : who is invited ( by name) , who is coming etc. Sending it to Cousin X, puts cousin X in control. A post stamp gets you in a legal contract with the post office do deliver your invitations. Cousin X have no legal obligation to deliver anything to anybody . It also clears any misunderstanding of who exactly is invited, when more people live at the same address . And so on.
Or: You have seats and tables, because a person does not have enough hands to hold a plate, a fork, a knife , and a glass at the same time. That's why you may have stand up cocktail parties - a person only holds his glass, and a finger food ( one bite ) may be passes. When you get a plate, you need a place. And even the position of your silverware is a way of non-verbal communication. Put your fork and knife in your dish , means that you are done - somebody will pick it up, even if you were not done and you just put it that way for lack of space ( when you have no seat at the table) You may assign seats , or not. Either is acceptable and either has a reason behind it.
A jar is asking for money. There is no other reason for the jar to be there. If the bartender wants to put his tips in a jar, a basket , a box or whatever ( for convenience) , he can put it behind the counter , where people don't see it.

Instead of arguing what is a proper etiquette, always give him the common sense reason behind it.
Good luck!

QueerFemme

For a while, my partner and I were thinking of getting married on a small pier on the San Francisco bay.  I kept saying "there isn't enough room for chairs here".  And about 50 times, I got "oh, it's a short ceremony, people can just stand up".  I kept saying no no no no no.  And then finally, we went to the pier to make a final decision, and I was mapping out how many chairs would fit, and again heard "we don't need chairs" I literally stomped my foot and said "I'M NOT FLUCKING GETTING MARRIED HERE IF THERE ISN'T ENOUGH ROOM FOR CHAIRS. I'M NOT MAKING OUR FRIENDS STAND UP. THAT'S FINAL!".  

It was actually amusing, because I really didn't throw any fits during wedding planning, but I turned into a straight up crazy person in that moment. 

We moved the ceremony location. 

AllieBear725

San Fran bay sounds so romantic!!!

But yes, I would die if I made my guests stand for our ceremony! 

QueerFemme

In Response to Re: Grrr...FI just doesn't understand etiquette. rant:
[QUOTE]San Fran bay sounds so romantic!!! But yes, I would die if I made my guests stand for our ceremony! 
Posted by AllieBear725[/QUOTE]

It IS romantiic.  I love living here.     We actually still got married along the bay, but in the estuary. (A little strip of the SF Bay between Oakland and Alameda (two cities along the east side of the bay.))


 




 

AJuliaNJ

Fiance doesn't like this one family unit within his family. There is a mom, dad, adult son 1, adult son 2 who has a fiancee, and adult daughter living in one house. He didn't want to send 5 invitations being that he doesn't like them and doesn't really want them to attend so we sent one invitation to the household. I explained etiquette in this situation, but ultimately let it go because it's his family, I don't even know them, and he really doesn't expect that they'll travel to attend anyway. I'd rather save my breath for any larger issues that come up.