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Etiquette

Well- off parents won't help financially

I'm getting married in September and throughout the planning process, I am shocked (as I'm sure most brides are!) at how pricey weddings are! My fiancée and I are fairly financially savvy and give or take a few things, we've been able to stay within our budget. However, throughout these planning months my parents haven't offered to contribute a penny, and I feel like there is no tasteful way to ask. I also feel too proud to ask. While we'll be able to afford everything on our own, it would just be so nice if my parents contributed something rather than just tell me how nice their new dock is on their waterfront home. Even my fiancée's parents (who are much less well off than my own) offered to pay for the rehearsal dinner without being asked. Like I said, my fiancée and I are independent and will make due without my parents help, but it sure would be nice to not have to pinch as many pennies as I am. Am I being ridiculous?

Re: Well- off parents won't help financially

  • LizzyRBLizzyRB member
    100 Comments Second Anniversary 5 Love Its
    My rich dad did not want to give me any money for a wedding because he thinks they are a rip off in general. I didn't ask, he just told me me through the years that he thinks wedding are a waste of money.

    However, as a gift and for a downpayment on our new home, he gave us a HUGE monitary gift.

    Your parents may feel the same way. Any honestly, I am starting to feel the same too. If I could go back and spend less than we did, I would. It's like as soon as you say "wedding" the price triples. Just cut back to where you can and host what you are comfortable hosting.
  • Since everyone else covered the "you're ridiculous" "they don't owe you anything" "be an adult" aspects of this, I'll cover what you are actually feeling. It does kind of suck that your parents don't want to help you at all with the biggest event of your life. It does kind of suck that they seem to be financially able to help and are choosing not to. It does kind of suck that you know how far some of their money would go towards making your wedding awesome.

    Whether it's traditional or not, it is still very common in my circle for parents to pay for the wedding. I don't know anyone who plans on paying for their wedding entirely on their own, and I would have been beyond stunned if my parents didn't help me pay for the bulk of my wedding, since they have wanted to since I was an infant (yes, I understand this is a privilege) If it is common in your circle too, I can see this feeling like a big burn. You are entitled to your feelings, and you clearly don't plan on asking them for anything. So I say just let yourself have your feelings, and let it go. Maybe they will get you an awesome gift. Maybe they won't. But they still love you and care about you.

    My in-laws have chosen, despite their wealth, to barely help us with the wedding and not give us a gift either. This is so different from my experience that I felt really insulted at first, but then I realized I will never know their reasons, so I just don't think about it and I enjoy the fact that they have very little say in the wedding. I also don't hold it against them because I know that life is long and we have to be a family. Try to look at it like you have total control and can plan exactly what  you want, and enjoy that freedom.

    Dreaming of our Hawaiian honeymoon! Wedding Countdown Ticker
  • Not sure why you are having the sticker shock with it either...maybe this is your first big financial thing ever, but still, you can have a perfectly lovely wedding for a reasonable expense.
  • MsYeckMsYeck member
    100 Comments 25 Love Its
    If I came into a lot of money I would pay off debt, pay off my home, fund a future child's education fund and put the rest in retirement. ALL take priority over a wedding, your parents probably see it the same way.
  • MrsMuqMrsMuq member
    Fourth Anniversary 10 Comments 5 Love Its
    In Response to Re: Well- off parents won't help financially:
    [QUOTE]Since everyone else covered the "you're ridiculous" "they don't owe you anything" "be an adult" aspects of this, I'll cover what you are actually feeling. It does kind of suck that your parents don't want to help you at all with the biggest event of your life. It does kind of suck that they seem to be financially able to help and are choosing not to. It does kind of suck that you know how far some of their money would go towards making your wedding awesome. Whether it's traditional or not, it is still very common in my circle for parents to pay for the wedding. I don't know anyone who plans on paying for their wedding entirely on their own, and I would have been beyond stunned if my parents didn't help me pay for the bulk of my wedding, since they have wanted to since I was an infant (yes, I understand this is a privilege) If it is common in your circle too, I can see this feeling like a big burn. You are entitled to your feelings, and you clearly don't plan on asking them for anything. So I say just let yourself have your feelings, and let it go. Maybe they will get you an awesome gift. Maybe they won't. But they still love you and care about you. My in-laws have chosen, despite their wealth, to barely help us with the wedding and not give us a gift either. This is so different from my experience that I felt really insulted at first, but then I realized I will never know their reasons, so I just don't think about it and I enjoy the fact that they have very little say in the wedding. I also don't hold it against them because I know that life is long and we have to be a family. Try to look at it like you have total control and can plan exactly what  you want, and enjoy that freedom.
    Posted by nycrose2013[/QUOTE]

    A wedding is not the biggest event of a person's life. If it is of yours, I'm sincerely sorry for you.

    Having a child, graduating from grad school, buying our first house all trumped our wedding. Was it fun? Yes. Did I marry the person of my dreams? Yes. But I could have just as easily done that in a courthouse with only my best friends present.

    Weddings aren't a big deal unless one makes them a big deal.
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    "The strong look for more strength; the weak look for excuses."
  • Who knows, maybe they will surprise you at some point. I didn't ask my parents for anything but when it came time to pay for my dress/veil, they insisted on paying as a gift. I had no idea that was going to happen, I picked a dress that worked within my budget. It was a VERY nice surprise. And then they surprised us with a very generous gift (check).

    Both of our parents are retired and living on fixed incomes so we didn't ask or expect any assistance. But when it was offered, it was appreciated.

  • My parents are well off and did not offer to help either. Just save up and plan for a wedding that you and FI can afford. 
    Its not the destination so much as the journey, they say. - Captain Jack Sparrow Wedding Countdown Ticker
  • I can see how you feel, but in the end, as its been said in a bajillion posts, no, they dont need to offer any money.
    I think we just hear so much about parents paying for everything or contributing towards weddings, its so romanticized. It reality, I'm sure it happens far less.
    I'm lucky that my father in law offer to help pay for a portion of it, and my family (who is less well off) wanted to pay for the wine and photographer. We didn;t ask our parents for any help, they offered, which was very generous. My FFiL offered first, then my parents a bit later. Had they not, we would have found a way. But I must admit it does relieve some stress. 
    Like everyone says, you will find a way to make your budget work, and you will be so proud of yourselves for doing it. And who knows, maybe come closer  to the date they might surprise you with something. 
  • They are not obligated to give you money for your wedding. They've already spent plenty of money raising you from the time you to were born until the time you became an independent adult. If you do give you money, it's a gift and it would be a wonderful one. But weddings are very expensive, and even you assume that they could afford to contribute, you may not be privy to their true financial situation.

    Hey, this way, you don't have to worry about them "buying" a say in your wedding.

    [Deleted User]
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