Breaking the news to the Ex...

SoontobeMrsNytes

My XH and I had a very nasty divorce. We are only recently able to be friendly, mostly for our daughter's sake. I know he has dated some, but has not found a relationship. I've been with my FI for 2 1/2 years, and we recently got engaged. I have never talked with my Ex about my relationship, so this news may be somewhat shocking for him. I don't want to hurt his feelings, but also feel he deserves to hear this from me. I need advice/tips/suggestions for breaking this news to him, please.

JillianNJohn

Id wait until a date is set. Just say, i wanted you to hear it from me first... FI and i have decided to get married. and leave it at that.

 

My ex and i are very civil, we've been separated for over 4 years, divorced for about 3. FI and i have been together since about 6 mos after ex and i split. Yet even though he knew it was coming it went something like this "I wanted you to hear this from me, FI and I have decided to get married next summer" HIM: "not like im surprised... " CLICK he hung up the phone.

 

you arent obligated to tell him anything though unless (in most cases, and in CA at least) itll affect support payments paid to you. I lose spousal support when i get married so i had to tell him. He still doesnt know the exact date though

 

GOOD LUCK

dewingedpixie

I went through a not so pretty divorce to.  I guess that's why I really didn't care about his opinion and just outright told him.

right1thistime

With a child involved,I always say that it is better for you to tell your xH than to leave the child in the potentially difficult position of being the bearer of the news.  Child may innocently say, "Mom found the dress I am going to wear in her wedding" or "Mom's going to Hawaii on her honeymoon" or "Will I stay with you when Mom is on her honeymoon?"  Or something innocently and be the recipient of the xH's shock.  Then the child feels like they did something wrong.

I am not proposing you must give details, and if things are sticky, and email that just says, "Wanted you to hear it from me, Fi and I are planning to be married this fall (or next year).  That gives him the opportunity to digest it without child present.  And I wouldn't wait once you have told the child.  ~Donna

Marrin713

My son was already an adult when xH and I divorced so I felt there was no need for me to tell xH when I got engaged.  Blabbermouth made sure he knew.  But if I had small children, then yes I would tell xH myself.

MuppetFan

I guess it all depends on the situation. If I had children with my specific ex, I imagine he would've wanted to know who was going to be so involved in his children's lives at that point (if he didn't already). I also would've wanted to prevent my children from being in the position to present that information.

My ex was fairly easy going though and we had an amicable split.

radleyboo

Fi and I told the children together after he proposed to me, then I simply sent exH a text, which is how we do a lot of our communicating.  I presented it as, "I wanted you to know that J proposed to me this weekend.  We've already told the children, but wanted to keep you in the loop in case they had any questions."  He made some nasty comments to me, but I could care less.  

He was actually 'engaged' before me, and never told me what was going on.  My then-8-year-old son told me, I was surprised, and would have appreciated the information up front for the same reasons.  I put 'engaged' in quotes because they way I understand it, there was no 'proposal', there was just a conversation and they are 'getting married at some point', so I don't know what their plans are, if they have any.  This is still strong language and a big deal to a young child, so of course, my kids had questions.  It's best for the kids to keep your ex in the loop, simply as a courtesy.  How he chooses to handle the news is his business, unfortunately.

lenasilva00

My exH married within a year of our divorce... I'm getting married this coming weekend and have never even thought of telling my x about my current relationship.  Our son is 16.  I just don't communicate with x about anything other than my son and those occasions are becoming even more rare...since my son is big enough to communicate with his dad when he feels like it.  I'm not part of that relationship.  I guess if my son was smaller it would be different.

SoontobeMrsNytes

Thank you all for your advice. I told him at visitation this weekend. He only has supervised visitation, and his options are either me or my dad. So I'm kind of stuck seeing him when he chooses to show up. I just told him As you may know, I've been seeing someone for about 2 years. He proposed last weekend and we (daughter and I) said yes. He didn't seem surprised. I even offered to arrange for them to meet. He said No. Solo glad that's over!