The waiting game is driving me bonkers! & need parent advice

kmbirkel

Okay, I know I might sound a little crazy here, but I hope you all will understand where I'm coming from!  SO let slip about a month ago that he has the ring (he's terrible with secrets!). I haven't actually seen it with my own eyes, but I generally know what it looks like/that it's my dream ring, because we custom-designed it together a few months ago. And he still hasn't proposed! Outwardly, I am patiently waiting... keeping my mouth shut, not asking him questions or even hinting at my eagerness, but inwardly... OMG, I don't know how much longer I can take it, LOL. I am so excited! So I hope he pops the question soon

In other news, I could use your advice on dealing with our parental units. We've been together over 7 years and, despite both of our sets of parents living less than a 30 minute drive from us and from each other, our parents have only met on a few occasions (and I'm referring here to my mom and stepdad; my dad and stepmom live about 200 miles away and have never met my SO's parents). Now, there's a good reason for this; my mom and stepdad both work full-time and are insanely busy trying to manage their lives raising 3 kids still at home - one in high school taking several APs, several extracurriculars, AND learning how to drive, and twin special-needs 10-year-olds who are extremely demanding. They rarely go out/socialize with anyone, and in all honesty, my mom is the most stressed-out person I know and has been that way for years (I thank God she believes deep in her heart that her kids need her and always will, because I think if it weren't for that belief, she might have killed herself by now). SO's parents have very different lifestyles from mine and really want to get to know my parents; they bring it up almost every time we see them, and they have for years. It's obvious that they're feeling hurt and insulted by how my parents have never invited them over and have only rarely accepted their invitations to get together. Now, I will say that SO's parents have their own big bucket of issues, and we don't have a great relationship with them at all, but for the sake of all parties involved we're really trying our hardest to keep things calm and happy... pick our battles, and appease/accommodate them when it's reasonable to do so. SO understands why wanting to get to know my parents is important to his parents, so it's important to him too.

We are trying to arrange a simple, brief get-together, like a two-hour lunch at our place (for us + his parents + my mom and stepdad) to help ease this situation but my mom is really not helping things. We talked for an hour on the phone today and she kept saying she will of course do this if it's important to me - but, but, but. They're so busy, and they don't get along well with SO's parents, and she doesn't understand why this matters to SO's parents anyway, and this is just another example of SO's parents trying to push us into something we don't want to do and we need to set boundaries, etc. (But we do want to, at least just this once, because we want to have a healthy relationship with them and we know it's important to them!) Etc. I think she is going to "try" to work something out for this Sunday and I hope she means it/won't just make some excuse for why they can't come. If they do come, I know she'll put on a happy face and be very nice and social (she is a major extrovert anyway, believe it or not) but she'll be emotionally "kicking and screaming" all weekend until the moment she walks in our door.

Is there any feasible way I can try to help her understand this isn't just about trying to smash a square peg into a round hole because someone's telling me to, and/or get her to calm down about this and actually give SO's parents a chance to redeem themselves? She is very critical of them, and maybe rightfully so, but it's been over two years since she's seen or talked to them so I can't help but think it couldn't hurt to start fresh/try again...

kmbirkel

Also, after this thread is over, I would like to delete the potentially offensive (to our parents) content of my OP "just in case," since I was an idiot and chose a username people who know me IRL would recognize, but I can't figure out how to edit posts with this new layout. Please, can someone tell me how to edit a post so I can delete part of the OP later on? And if you're responding to the OP, please don't quote it all either thank you, that would be much appreciated!

CLoGreenEyes

Whenever there's a question of, "How can I make so-and-so understand the following...?" the answer is usually, "You can't."

The best you can do is tell your mom that it's important to you and FI that your families get along and are somewhat comfortable and familiar together, and that you hope they can make it to the lunch. I can understand why you want this - and I can also understand why your family is so busy and may not understand why this is a big deal. They only thing you all can agree on is that it matters to you and FI, so just go from that angle and do your best.

I think your FI could help matters by talking to his parents and explaining (as I'm sure he has before) the responsibilities your parents have, and while they would loooooove to get to know them, there is a lot going on that makes it difficult. This is one those situations where you can be nice but firm about it, because their situation is totally understandable and they deserve and need the space to keep up with it.

It sounds like your mom is willing to accommodate these plans if at all possible, so I don't think you really need to be stressing about it.

Blue & White

I personally prefer meeting people I don't want to meet at restaurants. It's easier to leave when we're done. Also, my sisters husbands parents didn't wet my parents until the wedding rehearsal. It's really not a big deal. I feel like your mom may resent you for adding this extra stress to her life. It's not as though she hates your fi's parents, but she had a lot going on.

As for waiting for the engagement, it'll happen. I recommend reading a book or trying a new recipe or making a scarf or something. Mainly I recommend not obsessing over the engagement. These things take time.

Finally, I think there's a little gear shaped button that allows you to edit. Possibly. I'm on mobile so I forget exactly what I looks like.

[Deleted User]

I agree with your mom.  I don't understand why you're trying to force it.  my family doesn't LOVE my ILs, and that's okay.  my ILs were in town over Mother's Day, and I invited my parents to come have lunch with us, but they really didn't want to...  well, alright then.  in all honesty, I think your FILs are being pushy and rude, and possibly slightly manipulative by guilting you and your FI about something you can't even control.  you've done what you can: if FI's parents can't understand that, and continue to make you feel bad about it when you see them, then I have to totally agree with your mom.  you DO need to set boundaries and have a healthy relationship with his parents. 

families can be really difficult to navigate.  it gets worse after marriage.  H and I have had a couple counseling sessions on how to forge healthier relationships with our respective parents, and how to become a stronger couple.  I would suggest that you look into that.  I commend you for recognizing that this is important to your FILs, but I can't help feel (from the outside looking in) that you're trying to force things that really AREN'T the healthiest ways to maintain and build relationships with your families.

my ILs are a different culture than me; they are extremely overwhelming and dysfunctional.  it takes a LOT out of me (and my H!) to deal with them when they come.  before we started working on healthy boundaries and talking with a mediator, their visits would just rip us apart.  we read the book "Boundaries" by Cloud and Townsend, and I always recommend it.  you can get it really cheap online or at the library.

I usually don't do this, but please don't pressure your mom and dad anymore about this.  they've got a lot of stress already.  I know that you're trying to please your FILs; I remember being engaged and newly married and I felt the same way, too.  you've mentioned it to your mom; if they can't work it out, then they can't work it out.  it doesn't mean they don't love you, your FI, or even your FI's family.  they've got their OWN priorities, and you need to learn to respect that...  when your FILs see that you respect your parents' lives, then *hopefully* they will begin to respect that as well.  and that's how healthy boundaries work.

so, get your hands on a copy of that book and read!   

andplusalso....  planning a wedding can be stressful and hard and you-just-want-to-rip-out-your-hair.  being engaged was the WORST time in H/my relationship with each other.  people are putting pressure on you and asking things of you that can be really DUMB.  learn to set up healthy boundaries around yourself AND around your SO and yourself.  the counselor we used referred to it as our "control box".  you have your own control box, and you have a control box around you and your SO.  you get to decide who comes in (who affects you) and who doesn't.  it's crucial to learn how to set up and maintain your boundaries before you hit those hard and stressful moments. 

that was a super long post!  I guess because I've lived through all that, and it hits pretty close to home for me.  in no way do I have all this figured out, but I can share what I've learned so far.  and after our last counseling session (a couple weeks ago) and then my IL's visit last week/this past weekend, I CAN say that it's been the most successful and even enjoyable visit so far. 

good luck!

lennonkdc

My parents and my FIL's don't really get along great, esp the mom's. Oil and Water. Not good. The best strategy I've come up with is to accept that its their issue, and that in the end I can't let it bug me. 

We don't try to force the issue and 'make' everyone hang out together by scheduling lunches or dinners or whatnot, however we still invite both sets to birthdays/graduations/ etc. They play nice for a few hours when they have to, but then everyone goes their separate ways. That's as good as its ever going to get. 

My advice is to have your BF talk to his parents, tell them that its not personal that your parents are super busy and generally not very social people. Then call off the lunch. A relationship will develop organically over time, and as long as people play nice around each other that might be as good as it gets. 

leia1979

I also don't quite understand why this matters so much to you. My parents and in-laws met at the wedding. They haven't seen each other again since. I think it's more important for you to get along with his parents and he with yours. If that's going okay already, then you're set.

s-aries8990

Can you please explain why it means so much to you? Honestly, I'm just curious.

I'm NEY but have been with BF for 6 years. Our parents have met twice. Once when my mom stopped by his house for something she needed and the second at my college graduation party. We know that they wouldn't really get along, and what's more important is that THEY know they wouldn't really get along too well.

I'd say do this in the context of a larger get together. It'll ease some tensions.

bethsmiles

I'm in agreement with the other posters that your parents don't need to get along great, they just need to be able to act like adults when they happen to be at the same gathering. Forcing it isn't going to help in any way whatsoever. I'd just drop it.

As for waiting for the proposal, it could be a LONG time before he proposes. I think at least one woman on here has a SO who had the ring for a year before proposing. So really try to put it out of your mind.

dewingedpixie

My fiancé's mom has never met my parents. My father will probably not go to our wedding so she may never meet him. I'm marrying my fiancé not his family and they will likely never see each other again after the wedding. So all I ask is they are civil which I'm sure for a handful of events they will easily accomplish.

buddysmom80

I don't see what the big deal is with parents meeting each other. My parent's have never met bf's mom and aren't putting it on their "to do" list anytime soon.

The parent's really don't have to have a wonderful relationship with each other as long as they're civil to each other at family events.

 

kmbirkel

Wow! Thank you so much for your kind and thoughtful replies, everyone! I really appreciate it, and will do my best to address them all. Sorry it's taken me so long; I got swamped at work today.

Amapola14 said:

I think your FI could help matters by talking to his parents and explaining (as I'm sure he has before) the responsibilities your parents have, and while they would loooooove to get to know them, there is a lot going on that makes it difficult. This is one those situations where you can be nice but firm about it, because their situation is totally understandable and they deserve and need the space to keep up with it.

Yes, we've had that conversation many times, sadly enough - with it coming just from SO at times and coming from both of us at other times. I mentioned that SO's parents have their own issues; those issues are largely related to a strong sense that family = obligation, and as a result, there's constant pressure to do things with them - come over, or go out with them for social activities - and ongoing guilt trips when SO or SO and I say no to something. They ask/expect us to get together with them more often than I consider normal for adults in their 60s with their grown children (I think if it were up to them we'd spend at least one evening a week together), and the "obligation" I mentioned also extends into the extended family territory... for example, they are fiercely determined to plan and follow through with a family reunion with SO's mom's sister and her family, when SO's mom and her sister absolutely can't stand each other and both complain about how awful the other is at every opportunity, to each other's faces and behind their backs. And a couple of years ago, SO's parents and brother took a cross-country road trip on a morbid pilgrimage to "say goodbye" to some ailing great-aunts (who are in fact still alive now at ages 103 and 104) who SO and his brother only met once, when they were very young, and who SO's parents previously only interacted with via annual Christmas cards for decades. In the minds of SO's parents, this trip was nevertheless a very important one, and SO still hasn't lived down that he declined to go with them.

Anyway, hopefully you see where I'm going with this... SO's parents' ability to be rational when it comes to what family members "should do" or what they "owe" each other is limited, and while he's explained why my parents are so busy to them before, the logic doesn't really get through. SO and his family did a few counseling sessions last year and they don't guilt-trip him quite as much now as before, and they are slightly more respectful of our time now, but there's still a long way to go. SO and I are in counseling together now as well - we started a few weeks ago - and the biggest issue we're trying to tackle is this aspect of his relationship with his parents, and how the past/present conflicts with them affect him and our relationship now. And the counselor herself suggested we try to have both sets of parents over for a brief meal in our last session... I think we were all hoping that just one time might be enough to satisfy SO's parents for a while, since they won't let the issue go and it's enough to make SO and I feel miserable about seeing them because we know it's just another issue they'll continue to bring up.

I know this is crazy talk... perhaps I am a less forgiving person, but if it were up to me, we'd have dramatically cut back our interactions with them by now. However, a lifetime of being raised in a family with this mindset has left enough of an impression on my SO that he can't help but want to acquiesce to their crazy requests at least every now and then, because when he doesn't, he feels like a terrible son. We're working on that in therapy too, but I'm guessing that will take years to get over, if he ever does. So I am trying to work with him on this because, damn it all, he does love them and wants to make them happy.

Blue & White said:

I personally prefer meeting people I don't want to meet at restaurants. It's easier to leave when we're done. ...

 

As for waiting for the engagement, it'll happen. I recommend reading a book or trying a new recipe or making a scarf or something. Mainly I recommend not obsessing over the engagement. These things take time. Finally, I think there's a little gear shaped button that allows you to edit. Possibly. I'm on mobile so I forget exactly what I looks like.

True, but there's a whole other can of worms I don't want to get into here involving how that would inevitably create a situation in which both sets of parents would awkwardly fight over the check but neither of them would actually WANT to pay it, therefore all parties would leave feeling resentful, so we decided that would be a bad plan. I could explain how I know this based on past precedents in detail, but given how long I already spent on the response above (lol), maybe you can just take my word for it?

Thanks for the tips on keeping distracted and editing posts!

CocoBellaF said:

In all honesty, I think your FILs are being pushy and rude, and possibly slightly manipulative by guilting you and your FI about something you can't even control.  you've done what you can: if FI's parents can't understand that, and continue to make you feel bad about it when you see them, then I have to totally agree with your mom.  you DO need to set boundaries and have a healthy relationship with his parents. 

families can be really difficult to navigate.  it gets worse after marriage.  H and I have had a couple counseling sessions on how to forge healthier relationships with our respective parents, and how to become a stronger couple.  I would suggest that you look into that.  I commend you for recognizing that this is important to your FILs, but I can't help feel (from the outside looking in) that you're trying to force things that really AREN'T the healthiest ways to maintain and build relationships with your families.

my ILs are a different culture than me; they are extremely overwhelming and dysfunctional.  it takes a LOT out of me (and my H!) to deal with them when they come.  before we started working on healthy boundaries and talking with a mediator, their visits would just rip us apart.  we read the book "Boundaries" by Cloud and Townsend, and I always recommend it.  you can get it really cheap online or at the library.

I usually don't do this, but please don't pressure your mom and dad anymore about this.  they've got a lot of stress already.  I know that you're trying to please your FILs; I remember being engaged and newly married and I felt the same way, too.  you've mentioned it to your mom; if they can't work it out, then they can't work it out.  it doesn't mean they don't love you, your FI, or even your FI's family.  they've got their OWN priorities, and you need to learn to respect that...  when your FILs see that you respect your parents' lives, then *hopefully* they will begin to respect that as well.  and that's how healthy boundaries work.

so, get your hands on a copy of that book and read!   

andplusalso....  planning a wedding can be stressful and hard and you-just-want-to-rip-out-your-hair.  being engaged was the WORST time in H/my relationship with each other.  people are putting pressure on you and asking things of you that can be really DUMB.  learn to set up healthy boundaries around yourself AND around your SO and yourself.  the counselor we used referred to it as our "control box".  you have your own control box, and you have a control box around you and your SO.  you get to decide who comes in (who affects you) and who doesn't.  it's crucial to learn how to set up and maintain your boundaries before you hit those hard and stressful moments. 

that was a super long post!  I guess because I've lived through all that, and it hits pretty close to home for me.  in no way do I have all this figured out, but I can share what I've learned so far.  and after our last counseling session (a couple weeks ago) and then my IL's visit last week/this past weekend, I CAN say that it's been the most successful and even enjoyable visit so far. 

good luck!

Thank you so much for the "super long" post If you don't mind, please see my reply to Amapola14 above, because I addressed a couple of your points about SO's parents being pushy, being in counseling, etc. Having seen that - hopefully - do you have any advice for how we could set boundaries around situations like this one without leaving SO feeling like dirt afterward? I know this is something we could ask our therapist, but as she has been encouraging us to try to make this happen and you have actually been THROUGH this, I'd really appreciate any thoughts you might have on it! And we will definitely check out that book - thanks for the recommendation.

lennonkdc said:

My advice is to have your BF talk to his parents, tell them that its not personal that your parents are super busy and generally not very social people. Then call off the lunch. A relationship will develop organically over time, and as long as people play nice around each other that might be as good as it gets. 

Thanks for your thoughts. This sure would be easier if BOTH parties disliked each other or weren't interested in a relationship =p god, it's like unrequited love with a third party mediating, isn't it? Feels like middle school...

Sounds like there's a good chance my mom'll call it off anyway, from the last couple of texts she's sent me, due to my sister going through a really rough time right now and my mom wanting to be there for her. My sister usually prefers to be alone or with friends when she's sad, so I think it might just be a convenient excuse, but if she wants to say they can't come because of that I'm not going to argue with her about it. We'll see what happens. =/

leia1979 said:

I also don't quite understand why this matters so much to you. My parents and in-laws met at the wedding. They haven't seen each other again since. I think it's more important for you to get along with his parents and he with yours. If that's going okay already, then you're set.

 

sydaries said:

Can you please explain why it means so much to you? Honestly, I'm just curious. ... I'd say do this in the context of a larger get together. It'll ease some tensions.

Well, if this were about MY feelings alone, I don't give a crap! Haha. But please see my response to Amapola14 above to the explanation as to why this matters so much to SO's parents, and by extension, to SO. I personally agree with you both on this, but at some point I have to compromise; since SO doesn't want to cut his family out of our lives (something I wouldn't entirely mind), I think my compromising has to look something like "okay, SO, let's work together on minimizing the things your parents can use as 'ammo' against you and do whatever we can to make our interactions with them as positive as possible." At least, that's what I've come up with so far, but I am open to suggestions for how else we could compromise on this... and as for doing this in the context of a larger get-together, I'm afraid there is no occasion they are likely to all attend before our actual wedding, unless maybe at a rehearsal dinner!

bethsmiles said:

As for waiting for the proposal, it could be a LONG time before he proposes. I think at least one woman on here has a SO who had the ring for a year before proposing. So really try to put it out of your mind.

Oh geeze. Okay, point taken. I will continue to be patient so as to not lose my mind!

dewingedpixie said:

My fiancé's mom has never met my parents. My father will probably not go to our wedding so she may never meet him. I'm marrying my fiancé not his family and they will likely never see each other again after the wedding. So all I ask is they are civil which I'm sure for a handful of events they will easily accomplish.

In a more ideal world, we'd be in the same situation. Unfortunately, SO's parents' pesky feelings about the matter keep getting in the way! (see responses above for more info...)

CLoGreenEyes

Yikes. I feel for ya, @kmbirkel. Blending these two families sounds like an interesting challenge. Thanks for the background. Iiiiii honestly don't know what to tell you. But I'm hoping that the counseling will help you both decide where your boundaries as a couple are going to be, and that you'll develop the fortitude to enforce them. Obviously compromise is going to be a big thing, but I am sure there's a happy medium in there somewhere, at least for you and FI. Good luck!

kmbirkel

Amapola14 said:

Yikes. I feel for ya, @kmbirkel. Blending these two families sounds like an interesting challenge. Thanks for the background. Iiiiii honestly don't know what to tell you. But I'm hoping that the counseling will help you both decide where your boundaries as a couple are going to be, and that you'll develop the fortitude to enforce them. Obviously compromise is going to be a big thing, but I am sure there's a happy medium in there somewhere, at least for you and FI. Good luck!

Thanks, love!

WELL, it sounds like this whole lunch thing is actually going to happen tomorrow after all. I'm just going to hope for the best and will let you all know how it goes. I was ready to throw in the towel and told SO last night if it didn't work out I wouldn't want to try again to make it happen at a later date - but my mom surprised me today and said the whole crew is going to come over tomorrow (her and my stepdad PLUS my sisters, a 17 year old and twin 10 year olds). So I think we'll invite SO's brother too for good measure, even though he's older than us, not younger like all my siblings. Cross your fingers for us, everyone! (And maybe toes and eyes too?!)

lennonkdc

@kmbirkel How did Sunday go? Come back and update us!!!

kmbirkel

lennonkdc said:

@kmbirkel How did Sunday go? Come back and update us!!!

So sorry! Life/work have been INSANE this week and I didn't get a chance to come on TK for days.

It actually went better than I even hoped! I was super anxious all the way up until everyone arrived... first my mom said they decided not to bring the kids, so it was just her and my stepdad coming after all. We'd already invited SO's brother via voicemail, but when he called back for more info and SO told him my siblings weren't coming, he got all weird about it and declined to come because, in his words, "it should just be a parent thing then." So we told both sets of parents to come at 1pm. I freaked out when 1:30 rolled around and no one was there because I thought they'd all decided to back out, but both couples showed up a few minutes after that. My mom seemed uncomfortable at first, but I think she decided to put away her anxiety and put on her happy face shortly before SO's parents got there, because I could tell she was really trying after that.

Our parents sat at our table and chatted while we finished preparing and grilling lunch, and they were talking so much it was hard to get even a word in to find out who wanted cheese on their burgers! It was slightly uncomfortable at first because all FOUR of them, individually, are the kinds of people who like to talk a lot/"be the leader" in social conversation, so they all interrupted and talked over each other a lot for about a half-hour before they somehow figured out how to have a successful conversation together. As we ate, they totally connected... SO's dad and my stepdad work in completely different industries but both work as industry consultants with their own small businesses, so they traded business tips and shared funny client stories. Similarly, my mom is a therapist with her own practice and SO's mom (who's had a lot of very different jobs, but has finally settled into her current one over the past few years - after the last time she and my mom really talked) has gone back to her 1980s roots and is a social worker, so they were able to share some stories as well, albeit more vaguely due to confidentiality restrictions. They also all told stories about SO and I as kids, and SO's parents brought some old pictures with them to share. I think my SO and I each spoke less than 50 words in those two hours! It was very apparent they were all getting much more comfortable with each other as time passed.

Then, SO had the idea to break out Cards Against Humanity. If you haven't played that, it's like a very "adult" and politically incorrect version of Apples to Apples - a party game that's relatively open-ended and through which people can be both hilarious and offensive. I figured it would either be a disaster or a smashing success; fortunately, all of us are extremely liberal and have silly/somewhat twisted senses of humor, and it went so well that we played for 3 hours, with everyone in tears from laughing so hard at different times. My mom found SO's dad's silent, hysterical laughter so funny that they kept setting each other off just by laughing!

Seriously, I can't believe I'm writing this, but I swear it's true. I don't think they're going to be BFFs from now on or anything like that, but I think this went a LONG way toward helping both couples accept the other as they are. SO's parents emailed us that night to thank us and say they really enjoyed spending the time with all of us and getting to know my parents better, and my mom called me on Tuesday (with no one to hear our conversation but us!) to admit she was wrong, she was glad I talked her into giving SO's parents another chance, and that she and my stepdad had a blast.

TL;DR: To my unending surprise, it was a major success and we couldn't be happier with how it went!

CLoGreenEyes

Glad it went so well! Yay

lennonkdc

Thats fantastic!!! I'm so happy that it went so well for you!!!!

KeptInStitches

Proof that Cards Against Humanity unites all. Glad it went so well!

kmbirkel

KeptInStitches said:

Proof that Cards Against Humanity unites all. Glad it went so well!

TRUTH.