Wedding Etiquette Forum

Two Family Weddings, One Day

My cousin and my husband’s cousin are getting married on the same day about 4 hours away from each other so we can’t go to both. I knew the date of my husband’s cousin’s wedding before my cousin's so when I heard that my cousin was getting married, I asked her what date she was thinking. When she told me the date she was thinking of, I already knew that it was the date of my husband’s cousin's wedding so I told her that I already have a wedding on that day and that I didn’t want to have to choose. My cousin decided on the same date.
We see my family all the time (just about every holiday, birthday, etc.) because we all live locally. Plus, this year my family has 2 graduation parties, 1 confirmation and the wedding all within about 2 months of each other where my family will all be together. We don’t see my husband’s family much because they live all over the US, but when we do see them we have a great time. They spend time with us when they are in town and we visit them too. I feel that it makes more sense to go to his cousin's wedding because it’s a chance for us to see everyone together that we otherwise can’t/don’t see. I told my mom this and she was upset saying that it’s my family and that my husband and I should split up. I don’t like the divide and conquer idea though because a wedding is something that celebrates marriage and who wants to go to a wedding without their significant other?! I just don’t think that sounds like fun. I feel that I will ultimately have more fun if I am with my husband at his cousin's wedding but I hate thinking that I will make others upset.
Here are a few other details to help sort through this situation: My relationship with my mom is complicated. She is very critical and judgmental of me. To put it simply, she always feels like she has to compete against my in-laws, hence why her opinion has been mentioned.My husband's opinion is that he is definitely not missing his cousins wedding. He keeps telling me to make myself happy because no matter what decision I make, someone won't like it. I'm a people-pleaser, so for me, this isn't easy.Also, even though my cousin lives about 45 mins away from me, I've only interacted with her and her fiance a couple of times--and spoke minimally to him--because he hasn't been around the family much. They were engaged after only knowing each other for 6 months. While, on the other hand, I'veinteracted with my husband's cousin's fiance multiple times even though they live 4 hours away. In addition, I get along with my in-laws extremely well. I love them like my own family.
Is it wrong to miss my cousin's wedding to go to my husband's cousin's wedding? Would that be selfish? Am I overthinking this? I am just trying to get an unbiased opinion! Thanks!

Re: Two Family Weddings, One Day

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    Nope. I wish I'd been able to skip my cousin's wedding -- it was awful.

    Go to your husband's cousin's wedding if it's what you want to do.

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    I also would not want to split up with my husband to attend two different weddings.

    Ignore your mom. You can go to your husband's cousin's wedding, I hope you do so guilt-free, because you are not committing a faux pas.
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    I don't envy you one bit.

    It sounds like you'd rather go to your husband's cousins wedding, which IMO is reason enough to go to it.  The fact that you knew about that one first is a really good reason to back up your decision.  I would go to this one because you don't have as many opportunities to see your husband's family.

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     He keeps telling me to make myself happy because no matter what decision I make, someone won't like it. I'm a people-pleaser, so for me, this isn't easy.

    I agree with your husband on that one.  I understand that it's a tough choice, but if there is no way to do both, there is no way to do both.  You are going to disappoint someone either way, so I would say attend the one you really want to attend. 
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    This would be a no brainer for me. Go to your husband's cousin's wedding with your husband. That IS your family too now.

    You may need to work on how to handle your mom. My experience is that you can't change how ither's behave but you can change your reactions and how you handle them. "Because Mom would be mad" is never a reason to do something that conflicts with your reasonable plans.
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    You guys are all wonderful! Thanks so much for putting my guilt to rest! I appreciate everyone's comments!
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    DH and I are the divide and conquer type.     Then again DH works most weekends so going to wedding alone is not a big deal.

    That said, in this case I would go to DH's cousins wedding. Especially if I see my family often and not the other side as often.   If I didn't see family often we would divide and conquer route.

    What differentiates an average host and a great host is anticipating unexpressed needs and wants of their guests.  Just because the want/need is not expressed, doesn't mean it wouldn't be appreciated. 
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    You've already told your cousin that you had a conflict that day. Go enjoy the day with your husband's family!
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    hordolhordol member
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    If you want to go to your husband's cousin's wedding more, I say do that. I don't understand why your mom wants you to do your family and him take care of his family...that makes no sense if you are married. they ARE your family now. My FI and I don't really do social events without each other so we wouldn't be able to do the divide and conquer thing (he would be fine, but I'm more introverted and honestly wouldn't have much fun without him) so I understand why you wouldn't want to do that. In this case, I think it makes perfect sense to go to the wedding you were invited to first.

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    LAM524LAM524 member
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    I agree with your reasoning on this! You have plenty of great opportunities coming up to spend with your family. Im sure your cousin had good reason to pick the same date but you gave her good reason as to why this wouldnt work for you to attend. It was all up front and honest. Send a gift and well wishes with a little side not that you are looking forward to seeing them soon.

    As far as attending solo. I agree...Nope! You are a couple and splitting up to attend "my family" event could possibly do more damage. There could be crud talk! "Oh could you believe so and so chose to go to his family and not be with her" blah blah blah. Either way, talk will happen so chose the best of the two evils!

    If your thoughts and motives are pure in your decision, YOU will be able to live with it, no matter what! Best wishes!

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    You are all so great! Thank you for making me feel good about my decision. I put the RSVP cards for both weddings in the mail to just tell my mom that my final decision it made...!
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