Reciprocity

KDM323

I've never given a single thought to who has/would invite me to their weddings during the course of planning my wedding.  I would hope that my friends and family don't feel that obligation either when they receive an invitation from us.

Is your friendship with this couple so superficial that whether or not they can afford to host you at their wedding will be a deciding factor?  If it is...then they aren't truly friends.

Kate61487

rasberi89 said:

I actually don't, since your interpretation leaves out my point that you knew all along you weren't going to accept the job, its false pretenses. Instead, I think the right think to do is to politely decline and allow the employer to invite someone else to interview.

That's actually way more rude, since that's b-listing.  You invited them; they accepted.  That was the extent of the social contract.  There is no further obligation on their part.  You were not extending an invitation to interview for your friendship; it was a one time thing.

Kate61487

rasberi89 said:

Thats what I kept thinking! I thought it was impossible. Its confirmed via other friends.

Also, if you're responding to a particular comment made by another poster you can use the "quote" button in gray at the bottom left of their post or tag the user with @___ (their user name).  It will make it much easier for other readers to follow and for the person you're responding to to know you're talking to them.

STARMOON44

OP: I can't believe you are calling these guests childish . . .

Maggie0829

I am confused.  We are talking about STDs not an actual invite correct?  Just because you didn't get an STD doesn't mean you aren't invited.  Sometimes not every guest gets an STD.

But if in fact you aren't invited you need to get over it like now.  So if you had known before hand that you weren't getting invited to their wedding you would have decided to scratch them off your guest list?  That is completely ridiculous and childish.  People have to make hard decisions when it comes to their guest lists and some people don't make the cut.  It sucks but it has to happen.

Not really sure what you want from them except a big fat check that equals the amount you spent on them at your wedding.

rasberi89

two very good points. I don't know if they would have come if they had to pay for lodging, interesting spin. No, they aren't required, its a good point. Relationships change over time and being invited to someones first communion doesn't mean your invited to their sweet sixteen or their wedding.  I think the fact they sent save the dates a week before ours and the weddings are so close to one another makes it a lot worse. Sure, you could look at it as I elected to spend money without people asking, which is my own decision. However, they chose to accept, which is their decision, its not as if they showed up and were shocked and everyone got a new car like on Oprah, lol.

rasberi89

scribe95 said:

Can you please stop ignorning those of us asking how you know you are not invited when this was only STD's sent out?

Have you or your hubby talked to the couple themselves and had this confirmed?

not ignoring at all. We have not directly talked to the couple. It is confirmed via other friends that we are not invited. I was looking for advice on if I should essentially just move on or if should say something directly, and if so, what?

rasberi89

Kate61487 said:

rasberi89 said:

Thats what I kept thinking! I thought it was impossible. Its confirmed via other friends.

Also, if you're responding to a particular comment made by another poster you can use the "quote" button in gray at the bottom left of their post or tag the user with @___ (their user name).  It will make it much easier for other readers to follow and for the person you're responding to to know you're talking to them.
thanks for letting me know!

misshart00

rasberi89 said:

scribe95 said:

Can you please stop ignorning those of us asking how you know you are not invited when this was only STD's sent out?

Have you or your hubby talked to the couple themselves and had this confirmed?

not ignoring at all. We have not directly talked to the couple. It is confirmed via other friends that we are not invited. I was looking for advice on if I should essentially just move on or if should say something directly, and if so, what?



You should move on and not worry about it.

harper0813

Silver Lining: Now you don't have to buy them a gift.

But seriously, it doesn't even matter. You don't know how many people they're inviting to their wedding, whether they can even afford to host very many people, and you only received a save the date. Don't say anything. Now you have a Saturday (I'm assuming) free to go for a picnic or something.

rasberi89

misshart00 said:

scribe95 said:

Can you please stop ignorning those of us asking how you know you are not invited when this was only STD's sent out?

Have you or your hubby talked to the couple themselves and had this confirmed?

not ignoring at all. We have not directly talked to the couple. It is confirmed via other friends that we are not invited. I was looking for advice on if I should essentially just move on or if should say something directly, and if so, what?

You should move on and not worry about it.

I appreciate it misshart, I think youre right.

wrigleyville

1) How do the other friends know you (and they) aren't invited?

2) Perhaps you just aren't on the STD list. You might receive an invitation after all. We only sent STDs to 1/3 of our guest list, just in case we had to make changes before invitations were ordered.

rasberi89

Maggie0829 said:

I am confused.  We are talking about STDs not an actual invite correct?  Just because you didn't get an STD doesn't mean you aren't invited.  Sometimes not every guest gets an STD.

But if in fact you aren't invited you need to get over it like now.  So if you had known before hand that you weren't getting invited to their wedding you would have decided to scratch them off your guest list?  That is completely ridiculous and childish.  People have to make hard decisions when it comes to their guest lists and some people don't make the cut.  It sucks but it has to happen.

Not really sure what you want from them except a big fat check that equals the amount you spent on them at your wedding.

I agree with your first point. Not the second, its not actually what I want at all. I actually meant for that to be funny, tough crowd! I want them to know it really hurt my feelings and that it thought it was really rude to accept the invite and that I thought talking about their wedding was just beyond inconsiderate. She was actually the first person that came up to me after we did family photos and said I loved your ceremony it gave me so much inspiration for my own. At that point, she was the last person I wanted to spend precious time with and I felt she kept bringing it up. Just very strange.

[Deleted User]

rasberi89 said:

scribe95 said:

Can you please stop ignorning those of us asking how you know you are not invited when this was only STD's sent out?

Have you or your hubby talked to the couple themselves and had this confirmed?

not ignoring at all. We have not directly talked to the couple. It is confirmed via other friends that we are not invited. I was looking for advice on if I should essentially just move on or if should say something directly, and if so, what?

Geniunely curious- not being snarky- how in the world do these friends know? I don't go around to my friends bragging about who I've left off the guest list. 

 

I'd move on.  She was a dick (I wonder if this is a 'no no word') for discussing her wedding in front of you (at your own) knowing you weren't invited.  It's one thing to talk about it as small talk-- it happens with coworkers sometimes that I'm not close with when they ask how planning is going-- but if she was bringing it up and talking about it?  Jerk move.  But just be the bigger person on that one and go spend the money you maybe would've given them as a gift and buy yourself something pretty. I recommend shoes.

rasberi89

LMc0322 said:

rasberi89 said:

scribe95 said:

Can you please stop ignorning those of us asking how you know you are not invited when this was only STD's sent out?

Have you or your hubby talked to the couple themselves and had this confirmed?

not ignoring at all. We have not directly talked to the couple. It is confirmed via other friends that we are not invited. I was looking for advice on if I should essentially just move on or if should say something directly, and if so, what?

Geniunely curious- not being snarky- how in the world do these friends know? I don't go around to my friends bragging about who I've left off the guest list. 

 

I'd move on.  She was a dick (I wonder if this is a 'no no word') for discussing her wedding in front of you (at your own) knowing you weren't invited.  It's one thing to talk about it as small talk-- it happens with coworkers sometimes that I'm not close with when they ask how planning is going-- but if she was bringing it up and talking about it?  Jerk move.  But just be the bigger person on that one and go spend the money you maybe would've given them as a gift and buy yourself something pretty. I recommend shoes.

I agree, shoes!!! My husband sees all of his friends a lot and since the wedding requires a plane flight, they all began discussing booking flights together, and of course my husband said...well looks like Im not invited. Friends thought it was rude of the couple to do what they did and brought it up. In that context it was confirmed.

misshart00

But a mutual friend saying, whoops, guess you're not invited because you didn't get an invitation is not a confirmation that you're not invited.

[Deleted User]

misshart00 said:

But a mutual friend saying, whoops, guess you're not invited because you didn't get an invitation is not a confirmation that you're not invited.

My understanding was that the mutual friend brought it up to the couple that hasn't invited OP, who actually confirmed that OP wasn't invited.  I might have read that wrong though. 

rasberi89

LMc0322 said:

misshart00 said:

But a mutual friend saying, whoops, guess you're not invited because you didn't get an invitation is not a confirmation that you're not invited.

My understanding was that the mutual friend brought it up to the couple that hasn't invited OP, who actually confirmed that OP wasn't invited.  I might have read that wrong though.

you are correct!

lisabeats

I'm just getting to all this now- but 1st- until invitations go out (regardless of what mutual friends say) - you don't KNOW that you're not invited. Maybe they were trying to spare you starting to think of another upcoming wedding just before your own? Who knows.

2nd- in WHAT world does 2($500) plane tickets + time off work + other travel expenses + maybe a gift + etc. add up to a FREE vacation?! A vacation, might I add, to which you invited them!

rasberi89

lisabeats said:

I'm just getting to all this now- but 1st- until invitations go out (regardless of what mutual friends say) - you don't KNOW that you're not invited. Maybe they were trying to spare you starting to think of another upcoming wedding just before your own? Who knows.

2nd- in WHAT world does 2($500) plane tickets + time off work + other travel expenses + maybe a gift + etc. add up to a FREE vacation?! A vacation, might I add, to which you invited them!

cheaper than if you had to pay for house, food and activities yourself as well, cuts it down by more than half. Makes you able to have a vacation with all of your friends in a year when you need money to pay for your own wedding! I didnt invite them to a vacation, I invited them to my wedding. It was how they acted that clearly demonstrated they treated it as a vacation. My husbands friends fiance actually never showed up for the morning breakfasts, selecting to read books on her own in a cabana.

lisabeats

rasberi89 said:

lisabeats said:

I'm just getting to all this now- but 1st- until invitations go out (regardless of what mutual friends say) - you don't KNOW that you're not invited. Maybe they were trying to spare you starting to think of another upcoming wedding just before your own? Who knows.

2nd- in WHAT world does 2($500) plane tickets + time off work + other travel expenses + maybe a gift + etc. add up to a FREE vacation?! A vacation, might I add, to which you invited them!

cheaper than if you had to pay for house, food and activities yourself as well, cuts it down by more than half. Makes you able to have a vacation with all of your friends in a year when you need money to pay for your own wedding! I didnt invite them to a vacation, I invited them to my wedding. It was how they acted that clearly demonstrated they treated it as a vacation. My husbands friends fiance actually never showed up for the morning breakfasts, selecting to read books on her own in a cabana.

Yes, my mistake, I shouldn't have called it a vacation. Nonetheless, you invited them to it. And just because you generously made it cheaper (and I whole-heartedly agree it was generous!) doesn't mean it was free.

Bottom line, I can understand being a little upset, but it's not something you should let distract you during the start of your own wonderful marriage, and is in NO WAY something you should confront them about. I promise, the tables will be 100% turned and you will be the rude one then.

misshart00

Just send them an itemized bill and let us know what happens.

AJuliaNJ

I can definitely see why you'd be hurt. You must have considered this girl one of your close friends to invite her to your destination wedding and invest so much. It is always tough to learn a relationship isn't as close as you thought. You have every right to feel down.

However, there is no rule of reciprocity for weddings. Although it may be really hard to understand why she didn't invite you, you will have to find a way to move on. I would definitely not approach her about it. It would be uncomfortable for both of you, and the best possible scenario that could come out of it is she invites you out of guilt. 

I'd plan something really fun that weekend with your husband or another friend.

rasberi89

AndreaJulia said:

I can definitely see why you'd be hurt. You must have considered this girl one of your close friends to invite her to your destination wedding and invest so much. It is always tough to learn a relationship isn't as close as you thought. You have every right to feel down.

However, there is no rule of reciprocity for weddings. Although it may be really hard to understand why she didn't invite you, you will have to find a way to move on. I would definitely not approach her about it. It would be uncomfortable for both of you, and the best possible scenario that could come out of it is she invites you out of guilt. 

I'd plan something really fun that weekend with your husband or another friend.

I appreciate the thought and do think perhaps it just not even worth it. Shes not my friend at all- its my husbands friends fiance. We just see them often within our mutual group, last time I saw her was actually at my husbands moms house. Hopefully next time I wont have had a couple of drinks!

Kate61487

rasberi89 said:

lisabeats said:

I'm just getting to all this now- but 1st- until invitations go out (regardless of what mutual friends say) - you don't KNOW that you're not invited. Maybe they were trying to spare you starting to think of another upcoming wedding just before your own? Who knows.

2nd- in WHAT world does 2($500) plane tickets + time off work + other travel expenses + maybe a gift + etc. add up to a FREE vacation?! A vacation, might I add, to which you invited them!

cheaper than if you had to pay for house, food and activities yourself as well, cuts it down by more than half. Makes you able to have a vacation with all of your friends in a year when you need money to pay for your own wedding! I didnt invite them to a vacation, I invited them to my wedding. It was how they acted that clearly demonstrated they treated it as a vacation. My husbands friends fiance actually never showed up for the morning breakfasts, selecting to read books on her own in a cabana.

I'm sorry you didn't feel like she was focused enough on your wedding.  Generally, though, the ceremony is the part people really care if you attend (and the reception after).  dinners or breakfasts before or a morning after brunch are optional.  I would totally rather read in a cabana than have breakfast with a bunch of people I don't know.  She might have figured breakfast was just a courtesy invite or was more for your families.  I don't think this is that big a deal

rasberi89

Kate61487 said:

rasberi89 said:

lisabeats said:

I'm just getting to all this now- but 1st- until invitations go out (regardless of what mutual friends say) - you don't KNOW that you're not invited. Maybe they were trying to spare you starting to think of another upcoming wedding just before your own? Who knows.

2nd- in WHAT world does 2($500) plane tickets + time off work + other travel expenses + maybe a gift + etc. add up to a FREE vacation?! A vacation, might I add, to which you invited them!

cheaper than if you had to pay for house, food and activities yourself as well, cuts it down by more than half. Makes you able to have a vacation with all of your friends in a year when you need money to pay for your own wedding! I didnt invite them to a vacation, I invited them to my wedding. It was how they acted that clearly demonstrated they treated it as a vacation. My husbands friends fiance actually never showed up for the morning breakfasts, selecting to read books on her own in a cabana.

I'm sorry you didn't feel like she was focused enough on your wedding.  Generally, though, the ceremony is the part people really care if you attend (and the reception after).  dinners or breakfasts before or a morning after brunch are optional.  I would totally rather read in a cabana than have breakfast with a bunch of people I don't know.  She might have figured breakfast was just a courtesy invite or was more for your families.  I don't think this is that big a deal

Kate61487 said:

rasberi89 said:

lisabeats said:

I'm just getting to all this now- but 1st- until invitations go out (regardless of what mutual friends say) - you don't KNOW that you're not invited. Maybe they were trying to spare you starting to think of another upcoming wedding just before your own? Who knows.

2nd- in WHAT world does 2($500) plane tickets + time off work + other travel expenses + maybe a gift + etc. add up to a FREE vacation?! A vacation, might I add, to which you invited them!

cheaper than if you had to pay for house, food and activities yourself as well, cuts it down by more than half. Makes you able to have a vacation with all of your friends in a year when you need money to pay for your own wedding! I didnt invite them to a vacation, I invited them to my wedding. It was how they acted that clearly demonstrated they treated it as a vacation. My husbands friends fiance actually never showed up for the morning breakfasts, selecting to read books on her own in a cabana.

I'm sorry you didn't feel like she was focused enough on your wedding.  Generally, though, the ceremony is the part people really care if you attend (and the reception after).  dinners or breakfasts before or a morning after brunch are optional.  I would totally rather read in a cabana than have breakfast with a bunch of people I don't know.  She might have figured breakfast was just a courtesy invite or was more for your families.  I don't think this is that big a deal

I feel as if I'm not explaining the environment properly. It was in a very remote location, meaning we werent near any other people or properties. We rented a house. So when I say cabana, I mean the cabana by the private pool that was part of the house we rented. She was also the only one who didnt attend the breakfasts etc. Honestly I think if you are given a detailed itinerary for a wedding like this beforehand and it includes specific meals that are being catered in (paid for by head), you attend.

Kate61487

rasberi89 said:

Kate61487 said:

rasberi89 said:

lisabeats said:

I'm just getting to all this now- but 1st- until invitations go out (regardless of what mutual friends say) - you don't KNOW that you're not invited. Maybe they were trying to spare you starting to think of another upcoming wedding just before your own? Who knows.

2nd- in WHAT world does 2($500) plane tickets + time off work + other travel expenses + maybe a gift + etc. add up to a FREE vacation?! A vacation, might I add, to which you invited them!

cheaper than if you had to pay for house, food and activities yourself as well, cuts it down by more than half. Makes you able to have a vacation with all of your friends in a year when you need money to pay for your own wedding! I didnt invite them to a vacation, I invited them to my wedding. It was how they acted that clearly demonstrated they treated it as a vacation. My husbands friends fiance actually never showed up for the morning breakfasts, selecting to read books on her own in a cabana.

I'm sorry you didn't feel like she was focused enough on your wedding.  Generally, though, the ceremony is the part people really care if you attend (and the reception after).  dinners or breakfasts before or a morning after brunch are optional.  I would totally rather read in a cabana than have breakfast with a bunch of people I don't know.  She might have figured breakfast was just a courtesy invite or was more for your families.  I don't think this is that big a deal

I feel as if I'm not explaining the environment properly. It was in a very remote location, meaning we werent near any other people or properties. We rented a house. So when I say cabana, I mean the cabana by the private pool that was part of the house we rented. She was also the only one who didnt attend the breakfasts etc. Honestly I think if you are given a detailed itinerary for a wedding like this beforehand and it includes specific meals that are being catered in (paid for by head), you attend.

fair enough; that's pretty awkward.  I'm thinking I'd just be glad I don't have to pretend to be friends with someone this vapid anymore

rasberi89

Kate61487 said:

rasberi89 said:

Kate61487 said:

rasberi89 said:

lisabeats said:

I'm just getting to all this now- but 1st- until invitations go out (regardless of what mutual friends say) - you don't KNOW that you're not invited. Maybe they were trying to spare you starting to think of another upcoming wedding just before your own? Who knows.

2nd- in WHAT world does 2($500) plane tickets + time off work + other travel expenses + maybe a gift + etc. add up to a FREE vacation?! A vacation, might I add, to which you invited them!

cheaper than if you had to pay for house, food and activities yourself as well, cuts it down by more than half. Makes you able to have a vacation with all of your friends in a year when you need money to pay for your own wedding! I didnt invite them to a vacation, I invited them to my wedding. It was how they acted that clearly demonstrated they treated it as a vacation. My husbands friends fiance actually never showed up for the morning breakfasts, selecting to read books on her own in a cabana.

I'm sorry you didn't feel like she was focused enough on your wedding.  Generally, though, the ceremony is the part people really care if you attend (and the reception after).  dinners or breakfasts before or a morning after brunch are optional.  I would totally rather read in a cabana than have breakfast with a bunch of people I don't know.  She might have figured breakfast was just a courtesy invite or was more for your families.  I don't think this is that big a deal

I feel as if I'm not explaining the environment properly. It was in a very remote location, meaning we werent near any other people or properties. We rented a house. So when I say cabana, I mean the cabana by the private pool that was part of the house we rented. She was also the only one who didnt attend the breakfasts etc. Honestly I think if you are given a detailed itinerary for a wedding like this beforehand and it includes specific meals that are being catered in (paid for by head), you attend.

fair enough; that's pretty awkward.  I'm thinking I'd just be glad I don't have to pretend to be friends with someone this vapid anymore

oh my gosh, best advice, very true!

LAM524

Hmmm....Im sorry but I cant help questioning the motives of these people who have told you that you arent invited. When someone tells me something that hurts me, I cant help but wonder why! (Most times people do know what will or wont hurt someone) Which, btw, you wont know for sure until the invites go out. Seems like your "friends" will be quick to tell you that they have received theirs and ask you "if you have received yours?"

rasberi89

Ctexasgurl26 said:

I'm sorry you didn't feel like she was focused enough on your wedding.  Generally, though, the ceremony is the part people really care if you attend (and the reception after).  dinners or breakfasts before or a morning after brunch are optional.  I would totally rather read in a cabana than have breakfast with a bunch of people I don't know.  She might have figured breakfast was just a courtesy invite or was more for your families.  I don't think this is that big a deal

I feel as if I'm not explaining the environment properly. It was in a very remote location, meaning we werent near any other people or properties. We rented a house. So when I say cabana, I mean the cabana by the private pool that was part of the house we rented. She was also the only one who didnt attend the breakfasts etc. Honestly I think if you are given a detailed itinerary for a wedding like this beforehand and it includes specific meals that are being catered in (paid for by head), you attend.

Maybe she does eat breakfast or the fact that she didn't really know anyone but her FI, she was uncomfortable at your planned meals. There is not a requirement that guests attend every event you have planed for the wedding weekend.

did you read the story? she knew 50% of the people there, they are all in our social group,  they were all invited to her wedding, except for us.