HELP My fiance's parents are FLIPPING OUT over our non-religious ceremony

briannacihi

Not to offend anyone...but I personally consider religion a disease.  So having anyone other than a JOP perform our ceremony has never crossed my mind.  My fiance and I live across the country from his incredibly Catholic family and while they know we don't belong to a church or openly practice a religion...I think they really believed that we were Catholic.  My fiance is literally the most gentle soul on earth and it KILLED him when his parents found out and were absolutely livid.  They said AND I QUOTE "a marriage ceremony with no mention of god should be considered null and void...it's an abomination." Luckily my parents could care less if a homeless person performed our ceremony as long as I was happy.  But it truly kills me to break my future in-laws hearts...and they are contributing financially to this day so part of me feels obligated to somehow appease them?  Any suggestions on how to break the news that I am absolutely unwilling to have any religion involved in my ceremony?  HELPPPP

briannacihi

Trust me he doesn't want any mention of God...and the hallmark of religion is self-righteousness and telling other people that they're going to burn in hell because they don't believe what you believe.  So the offending goes both ways I've found. 

However...I appreciate your input.  Our beliefs are as simple as our love for eachother.  I just don't know how to explain that to his parents who are essentially forcing their belief system into our day. 

daria24

First, are you and your fiancé in agreement on the no mention of god in your ceremony? If you BOTH don't want to use any religious language, then he needs to calmly tell his parents that you will be getting married in the manner that 100% reflects your beliefs. To do otherwise would be disrespectful to those that do believe.

If your FI does have some sort of religious beliefs, you will need to compromise. Most JOPs have samples of nonreligious ceremonies, as well as ones that reference a Higher Power.

As for your FIL's money, you need to be prepared that they may withdraw those funds. Money comes with strings-their's might be attached to Jesus.

briannacihi

Thanks!  We were considering some kind of mention of spirituality...so that's on the table. I've sort of prepared a new budget if they withdraw their money...but I don't want to damage our relationship because as of now..we have had a great one!  And here I thought I was gonna be the drama free laid back bride....argghh!

tlc35

Unfortunately this is going to be a difficult conflict. Practicing Catholics feel that if you are baptized catholic and then marry outside the church you are out of the good graces of the church. This is a big deal for them. However you and your FI live a non religious life so it is appropriate that you have a nonreligious ceremony. Your FI needs to be polite but firm in telling them this. This may damage your relationship with them because you have different beliefs but there is no real alternative. Hopefully they will come around.

lyndausvi

I would have your FI talk to his parent's priest about the situation.   The priest should be able to explain to his parents that having a Catholic mass is inappropriate.    While it's sad, a priest telling them might have a bigger impact than you.

briannacihi

tlc35 said:

Unfortunately this is going to be a difficult conflict. Practicing Catholics feel that if you are baptized catholic and then marry outside the church you are out of the good graces of the church. This is a big deal for them. However you and your FI live a non religious life so it is appropriate that you have a nonreligious ceremony. Your FI needs to be polite but firm in telling them this. This may damage your relationship with them because you have different beliefs but there is no real alternative. Hopefully they will come around.

Wow, see, I didn't even realize this...I'm sure that's why they said our marriage would be null and void to them!  Thanks everyone this is really helpful!

HisGirlFriday13

Really? You clearly did mean to be offensive; don't deny that. Get of your sanctimonious high horse about that right now.

Second of all, you should at least TRY to understand where your FILs are coming from on religion. That doesn't mean you have to mention God at your wedding, but it does mean you have to stop being so offensive as to call their deeply held beliefs 'a disease.'

And third of all, the expression is COULDN'T care less, not could care less.

Jen4948

I'm not Catholic but I am religious and find your comments about it being a "disease" and the "hallmark of religion being self-righteousness" to be really offensive.

All you had to say was that you and your FI were not religious.  But by being snarky about it here, you threw away any sympathy you might have gotten from people like myself who are religious but agree that you should not have a Catholic wedding if you don't believe in their religious requirements just because it's what his parents want.

coopsbaby

Jen4948 said:

I'm not Catholic but I am religious and find your comments about it being a "disease" and the "hallmark of religion being self-righteousness" to be really offensive.

All you had to say was that you and your FI were not religious.  But by being snarky about it here, you threw away any sympathy you might have gotten from people like myself who are religious but agree that you should not have a Catholic wedding if you don't believe in their religious requirements just because it's what his parents want.

DH and I are atheist, but I agree wholeheartedly. I certainly don't consider my loving wonderful devoutly Catholic MIL to be diseased or self-righteous at all. The world would be a better place if EVERYONE was a little more kind and  accepting of others.

NOLAbridealmost

Yikes.  OP, you should know that I am going to say this to you as a fellow atheist: wake up. 

If you made a scintilla of effort to understand your future in-law's beliefs, you would learn that when they said your wedding would be null and void and would be an abomination, they were not trying to make a jab at you or personally insult you: they were accurately relaying the Church's position on baptized Catholics getting married outside the Church. 

Obviously, if your FI is no longer practicing, this is no big deal for him.  But for his parents, they have just been dealt the news that their son is going to be excommunicated from the Church. It's a big deal and it can be heart breaking for them. 

Let your FI deal with the immediate repercussions and try to smooth things over with them.  For your part, quit it with the nasty attitude. Even if you don't say anything to them, the "vibe" you send will be palpable.

stampadhesive

You were probably all up in their faces about this, based on how you asked the question.

I would really ask if you FI is REALLY HAPPY that you aren't having any religion in your ceremony.  Being okay with it is not enough.  He should be happy that his marriage ceremony to you has no religion.  If he is not very happy about the lack of religion, you may want to reconsider your stance a little.  While you might not have a catholic ceremony, you could include a bible verse about love or other non-god mentioning verse to please him and his family.  

Once a catholic, always a catholic, and that catholic guilt never goes away.  That's why your FI is upset.

jemmini6

I'm not religious either, but I agree that it was unnecessary to voice your opinions so forcefully.  

Anyways, my grandma is very Catholic, and my parents got married in the Catholic church to make her happy.  They sort of regret it because although they don't believe in that religion, they respect that my grandma does, which made the whole thing, particularly the premarital counselling where you are required to promise to raise your kids in the Catholic religion (which they most definitely did not), sort of a farce.

My grandma has also been disappointed that neither me or my sisters had a church wedding, or even mentioned God in any of our ceremonies, but I'd rather disappoint her than to mock her beliefs.

So my advice is to speak with your FILs and explain that although you respect their beliefs (which you should whether or not you share them), you feel it would be disrespectful to have a religious ceremony when you aren't religious yourselves and ask what you might incorporate to make them comfortable, perhaps a reading, or a prayer before dinner?

calliopeia2013

Unless you want to pretend to be religious for the rest of your in-laws' lives, you're going to have to have this showdown (and potentially break their hearts) sooner or later, right?  So just have it now.  You...probably want to use somewhat gentler language than you used here when you talk with them, though.  And you should let your FI do most of the heavy lifting in breaking the news to them (that's just a general rule in dealing with families- you should mostly have the tough conversations with your family, and he should do the same for his).

My DH has a similar but not identical issue with my FIL- they differ on politics rather than religion, but it amounts to the same thing at its heart, which is that it's really tough for a parent to realize that their adult child has drastically different values from their own.  Now, parents have to figure out how to deal with that on their own, and it's a parent's choice to be loving about it or to be a gigantic *** about it, but you can't control their choice, only give them the opportunity to eventually make the right one.

tlc35

TXKristan said:

tlc35 said:

Unfortunately this is going to be a difficult conflict. Practicing Catholics feel that if you are baptized catholic and then marry outside the church you are out of the good graces of the church. This is a big deal for them. However you and your FI live a non religious life so it is appropriate that you have a nonreligious ceremony. Your FI needs to be polite but firm in telling them this. This may damage your relationship with them because you have different beliefs but there is no real alternative. Hopefully they will come around.

TLC is spot on.  I'm Catholic, so let me shed a bit more light on this for you.  If you and your FI decide to marry outside of the Catholic Church (and with no intent of having your marriage convalidated by the Church), he will not be in communion with the Catholic Church.  His parents (in the most literal sense of the Church's teachings) would be committing an act of scandal if they attend and show support of a wedding where a Catholic is marrying outside the church.  (Side note:  My brother married outside of the church and I was advised not to attend and just 'stop by' the reception.  I still served as a bridesmaid because I felt that was where I would be a more effective witness of the faith).

Bottom line - please do not make a mockery of the Catholic sacrament of marriage by participating in it just to appease your FILs.  This is your wedding and you need to do what is right for you.  Talk with your FI and find some time to talk with his parents.  I agree with the PP's idea to have a priest try to help you communicate this to them.  

Thanks Kristan, I learned this mostly from "listening" to you fabulous Catholic ladies of the board!