Crazy pants Bridesmaid Issues- VENT

lyndsay782

Ok, so I've been here long enough to know I can't kick her out.  I picked her because she was a good friend, but then she went off her meds. Because she wanted to, against all medical advice. Now she's on the crazy train, and her mood swings are driving us all nuts. I avoid talking about wedding stuff (only if she asks) and try to be her friend, but she just shuts down, tunes me out, and answers in an argument. A simple "how are you" becomes "The world is out to get me because I'm so awesome they can't handle it".  Which makes being a friend hard. Really hard. 

Backstory done.  Problem at hand: Crazy-pants keeps inviting tag alongs to the stuff I'm trying to keep as bride/bm's only, and I don't really know what to do about it without coming off as a raving bridezilla bitch.  I'm really trying to be as flexible as I can, but there comes a point when you feel taken advantage of you know?   She does it all at the last minute too,  so there is no workaround.  Case in point.  Tomorrow is supposed to be bridesmaid dress day.  Planned it two months ago, so that everyone could get time off.  

One of the MOH's cancelled as she decided to go on vacation (even though she was one of the reasons for the advanced schedule).  No biggie as she doesn't care what dress I pick out, she just needs the style and will order it.  The other MOH is fantastic, then there's Crazy-pants. Crazy pants keeps trying to get me to reschedule everything (including my own dress appointment) so it worked with her work schedule (Mine didn't matter, just hers).  CP was given enough time on this one to make sure she wasn't working, but has now decided that it would be perfectly fine to bring her "rambunctious" (shall we say to be polite) nieces.  She tells me this today, and that there is no "alternative" (meaning her brother won't pay anyone and wants free family care).  

I like kids, but I don't think that it's fair to anyone to drag them out on dress shopping/hobby lobby adventure day.  Especially when you asked me to plan this 2 months in advance so you can come.  The MOH volunteered to drive us grownups, not two adults and two loud children.  This isn't fair to her either.  I'm already about to tell CP that she needs to drive herself and the girls up, or clear it with MOH, but I'm sure that's not going to play out well.  CP likes to overpower MOH in arguments, and MOH gives in, then gets mad at herself for doing so.  

Any advice on this one?  How do you put your foot down without coming off as a biatch bridezilla when you are really just trying to be fair to everyone?  And how do you avoid tagalongs? Should be as simple as "I'm not ok with that" but people don't seem to listen.  At least not Crazypants. 

ok vent over. 

kmmssg

Put your foot down and tell her this is a no kids affair.  There is no way I would want to be dress shopping with kids.  I'm sure salons just love that.  She can only pull this crap if you let her.  Start telling her no.  If she can't ditch the kids then I guess she doesn't go.

MairePoppy

A bridal salon is not a place for rambunctious children. You should be honest with your friend. Tell her "I'm sorry this is not a child friendly activity." If she can't make it, then the rest of you should pick a dress, keeping her budget in mind.

If she's off her meds and her mood swings are driving you crazy, imagine how she must feel.

allispain

First off, I have a sister who is bipolar and used to routinely go off her meds because a) they made her gain a ton of weight and/or b) they made her feel like she had lost all sense of self, that "she" no longer existed because the meds changed her personality completely. So I would like to start by saying that, as difficult and frustrating as it can be to have someone in your life who has made this decision (trust me, I dealt with this for years), she needs love and support, not derogatory comments being made about her.

Second, yes, it is not great that she has the kids with her that day and you are well within your rights to say that the kids cannot come and if that means she can't either, you're sorry that's the case. However, please at least give her credit that she told you about this situation in advance - she didn't just show up to the salon with them.

Third, I know that my posting this today doesn't help resolve this situation in the least (regarding BM dress shopping) since that trip was planned for today. However, I wanted to throw in my two cents for some perspective for future issues that may arise.

KD+AR

I understand your frustration. I am bipolar and I know that I am less than pleasant when off my meds (it happens~ those meds suck). However, adding extra people at the last minute isn't fair to you as the bride, or to the others involved, especially if she is bringing children that don't know hoe to behave. I would recommend that you stop trying to include her in things. This may be her way of saying she doesn't want to be included. Let her know if she can't make it without the children then you will let her know what the options are.

Just be supportive of her too, it may be hard if she is getting on your nerves but the chemical imbalance isn't her fault and if she doesn't like her meds you can't force her to take them. Have you asked her why she is off of them, it may give you a little more compassion regarding that. (not judging.. I know I am an ass, and can be hard to deal with). Good luck!

TiaTea

"Problem at hand: Crazy-pants keeps inviting tag alongs to the stuff I'm trying to keep as bride/bm's only, and I don't really know what to do about it without coming off as a raving bridezilla ****."

It sounds as if you have planned many bride /bm  events and she had some random tagalongs. Yet you only give an example of one event - shopping for dresses.
No matter if you like children or not, taking care of children is always a priority , when compared  with dress shopping.  The children need a babysitter, while you and MOH don't. So you can go by yourself, and she can go some other time, maybe with the other MOH .

What other bride/bm events do you have?

And I completely do not understand this "How do you put your foot down" . Put your foot down about what exactly? If you are talking about her not bringing children, you   don't  "put your foot down" You just say politely : "Don't worry. Take care of the kids. MOH and I will be fine. We'll let you know if we find something. You can always go/order with OtherMOH  " 

Honestly, except that she feels "that the world is out to get her" , nothing of the other things makes her look even remotely  "crazy". 
  
And finally, even if she doesn't pick a dress, doesn't buy one , or doesn't show up at the wedding,  so what ? The wedding will still happen. Don't worry.

wittykitty14

StageManager14 said:

First off, just want to point out that calling someone with a diagnosed mental disease "crazy pants" makes you look like a pretty awful human being.

Thank you, Stage.  This needed to be said.  The stigma surrounding mental illness is absolutely terrible.  It comes from everywhere, and hurts the most when it comes from those that are close to you.  I tried 2 dozen medications from age 14-22 ish, and it was a horrible ride.  There were times when I chose to go off of them, despite what the doctors said.  But they respected my choice (family, not so much).  Even if it wasn't a smart move on my part, I felt better knowing that I had regained control over something that was happening to me.

OP, can you provide other examples?  If this is a recurring pattern, I'm curious to know what other things she does that upset you.  It would help you get more "personalized" feedback. 

Your bridesmaid is your FRIEND.  I'm not saying you should tolerate her bad behavior, but be there for her.  She's going through a lot.  She needs your support and your patience.

lyndsay782

I'm sorry my term offended you ladies, as that wasn't my intention.  I was upset, and sometimes I don't think before I type.  I think I need a better mental/typing filter when I'm angry. 

I did end up putting my foot down, and her brother ended up finding an alternative child care. I was trying to avoid a confrontation with her, because she tends to take things out of proportion.  In the end I realized as most of you have said now, that if I don't just say "no" now, then I'm setting myself up to be taken advantage of.  If I stick to my guns, and worry less about being the "super nice" bride, then people can't run over me.   She didn't need to be involved, but back when we all planned this day, they suggested the trip and the fun stuff.  They wanted to be involved.   The BM was insistent that she get a say in what she was wearing as she wanted to make sure it was flattering on her.  I can understand that, so we worked on the schedule as a group. I really don't want her helping out, because I don't want to impose on their schedule, and because I've been on the knot long enough to know their job is to buy a dress, show up and have fun.  

As far as other examples, maybe it's not so much “crazy-pants” as it is that she seems to like starting drama and portraying herself as the constant victim. I'm learning now that she is very much a smile to your face, and then talk about you to everyone when you turn your back type of person.  Many of you know that I'm involved in a kids' program in church, and apparently, that's where this tension that I wasn’t aware of started.  Last fall the head pastor asked her to step down as a leader because she hadn't been attending church for various non-health related reasons (like getting a tattoo or simply not wanting to show up to teach her students).  She took no responsibility for her actions and said a whole lot of nasty things about the leaders on Facebook, and wouldn’t answer any of the phone calls we all tried to make to her when it was going on. My MOH took over her class, and unbeknownst to me until a few weeks ago, the BM thought her removal was my fault.

I was completely unaware of that when I asked her to be a bridesmaid.   I only learned that when she made an underhanded comment about me “replacing” her as a teacher when we were at lunch with her and her husband a few weeks ago. That could’ve been when she was off her meds (which are for a Thyroid disorder, so I know it can do all sorts of strange things to a person’s mental state). I’ve also learned in the recent interactions that she has to be the center of attention at all times, and that if she’s not, she will find a way to become that, usually by trying to gain sympathy.  There is also a super competitive thing she has with the MOH (her stepsister) and that family dynamic seems to come into play a lot more than I ever noticed before.

I’m hoping that her going back on the medications (that she stopped taking because they worked so well she had no symptoms that led her to think she’d be ok without them) will bring back the person I became friends with.  I’ve learned this weekend that sometimes when she starts with the negativity (I just got a text for example about the dress she picked out making her look pregnant) that the best thing to do is either ignore it or kill it with kindness.  I do know that I need to be understanding, but that I can’t tolerate it all the time, and sometimes I just have to walk away and let her give the “poor me” speech to someone else.   

I’m sorry this was a very long post, but I wanted to try answering everything at once.   Thanks again for being the voices of reason!

Peledreamsofrain

Post removed due to GBCK

akaneli

Just a suggestion, I have 5 maids total and none of them live close by but whenever I have needed/wanted some company for wedding things I'm content if at least one of them can make it. Kind of like having them take turns and that way no one BM feels overwhelmed. I haven't really needed them for much so far I think total there have been 3 dates that I have asked at least one of them to accompany me on. One was my initial dress appointment and they all came because THEY wanted to, and one was a get together at my house just to hangout and for everyone to get to know each other. Just an idea.

lyndsay782

akaneli said:

Just a suggestion, I have 5 maids total and none of them live close by but whenever I have needed/wanted some company for wedding things I'm content if at least one of them can make it. Kind of like having them take turns and that way no one BM feels overwhelmed. I haven't really needed them for much so far I think total there have been 3 dates that I have asked at least one of them to accompany me on. One was my initial dress appointment and they all came because THEY wanted to, and one was a get together at my house just to hangout and for everyone to get to know each other. Just an idea.

That's exactly how I feel.  And usually my MOH is the one who wants to come along, but as I said, the BM is her stepsister, and despite the fact that we are all adults, the BM sometimes reverts to high school drama when it comes to that stuff.  I've never tried to make anything even close to required, and for the most part, I'd rather do most of my decorations and shopping and what not with my awesome FMIL, because she actually wants to.  Since January, I've really only had three things that were wedding related that I asked if any of them wanted to go to, so I'm like you on that one.  

For the bolded, I have tried to do this so many times for the group to all get to know each other.  Since the groomsmen are husband of one of my MOH's and BM's hubby is a GM, you'd think it wouldn't be that hard.  But it never works out, because BM cancels for weird reasons (last time she decided she had to bake cupcakes or bathe her dogs or something) at the last minute.  So I'm just going to chug along, ask if I need help, and ignore her little negative comments as best I can.  I can't let someone stress me out. 

akaneli

Lyndsay782 hang in there. I have been posting on these boards less than two days and I have learned that most people think you should give your BM the benefit of the doubt maybe we should both keep that in mind when dealing with our BM problems. I'll be your "staying positive" buddy. Heehee

lyndsay782

She is a self proclaimed "Social butterfly" and every time she does show up somewhere, she has to be the center of attention.  Like when we went to a bridal show... I asked MOH if she wanted to go ( and I would've gone alone if they didn't want to come) , and then CP got offended that she wasn't asked first, then brought another friend who I've never met, and proceeded to cheer as loudly as she possibly could during the raffles. It was so outrageously embarrassing and obnoxious to me, but I tried to bite my tongue and hide in the background because everyone else thought it was "hilarious".  I sometimes wonder if she acts that way because she is uncomfortable is "faking the funk" as my FH would say.

If she was acting the way she does to try and cover her anxieties then I guess the constant cancellations make some sense, but I think its just that she doesn't want to go if she won't be the main focus of attention.  Other people in our peer group are constantly stroking her ego, and feed into her drama, but I no longer will.  And FH never has and the rest of the bridal party won't either. 

akaneli

lyndsay782 said:

She is a self proclaimed "Social butterfly" and every time she does show up somewhere, she has to be the center of attention.  Like when we went to a bridal show... I asked MOH if she wanted to go ( and I would've gone alone if they didn't want to come) , and then CP got offended that she wasn't asked first, then brought another friend who I've never met, and proceeded to cheer as loudly as she possibly could during the raffles. It was so outrageously embarrassing and obnoxious to me, but I tried to bite my tongue and hide in the background because everyone else thought it was "hilarious".  I sometimes wonder if she acts that way because she is uncomfortable is "faking the funk" as my FH would say.

If she was acting the way she does to try and cover her anxieties then I guess the constant cancellations make some sense, but I think its just that she doesn't want to go if she won't be the main focus of attention.  Other people in our peer group are constantly stroking her ego, and feed into her drama, but I no longer will.  And FH never has and the rest of the bridal party won't either. 

<Im starting to suspect this CP might be my sister/MOH! This is kind EXACTLY how she acts and I have been trying to ignore it too. Wow too similar.

lyndsay782

I think it's just that Weddings bring out the crazy in people.  Or that we just are seeing things in a different light...  

lyndsay782

RetreadBride said:

"Then she's being a spoiled brat.  Has she always been like this? She won't change now, so limit her involvement to getting her dress and showing up for the wedding.  It sounds as if you'll have a better time without her anyway."

 I'm quickly learning she that she has always acted like this.  I thought it was an occasional thing, but apparently not.  The more I get to know the "real" her, the less of it I like.  She really is an "Attention Prostitute" (the wording of which is actually really flipping funny).   

She has yet to order her dress, and since David's Bridal says that she needs to by the end of May so she can alter it, I'm secretly (or not so secretly) hoping she misses the deadline. If not, after the wedding, I plan to do the polite fade out and avoid her (unless she has a true emergency). She is just simply too much drama and way too negative for me to want to be around.  

For the record, the other people we are social with think the outrageous behavior is the best thing ever, so I'm starting to wonder how "real" those people are as well...  

lyndsay782

MOH is her stepsister, so for like 15-20 years by force, so to speak.  the rest, about 3 years.  But most of them only see the fun (seemingly fake) side and seem to miss out on the negative side.  Which really makes me wonder about them....  

lyndsay782

Like I said earlier to a coworker  weddings bring out the crazy in people even more than a full moon. 

in less than 4 months I will no longer have to pretend to like her...  I have bigger fish to fry...  like where to find colored glass pebbles in the right purple for my centerpieces...  

Thanks again for letting me vent.  And for giving me the new term "Attention Prostitutes".  In fact, her name will now be AP in any future post as opposed to CP.