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Divorced couple invited - we've got a problem.

When we sent out STD's in late September a couple we are friends with was married. Between then and 4 weeks ago when we mailed out invitations, they filed for and finalized their divorce. The husband was FH's friend from HS but I had gotten SUPER close with the wife and our friendship was the main reason the four of us ever got together - she and I met for lunch/drinks all of the time, the boys never saw each other unless we hung out as couples. So, we decided to invite them both. It was our understanding that the divorce was not particularly ugly or nasty and that they could deal with being in the same room for one night. 

Today, FH received a message on FB from his buddy that goes something along the lines of, "There's an issue. Something happened this week and I had to take out a restraining order against FomerWife. I know that we're both invited to the wedding but she can't come if I'm going to. But if you really want her there instead of me, just let me know. The RSVP is ready for the mail as soon as you let me know what you decide."

I'm really put off by this. One, because I'm not sure that he's telling the truth about the restraining order - he has a very long history of lying which is part of what led to the divorce. Two, he's making it a "pick one of us, and if it's not me I'll be pissed" situation. 

She was invited to and has already RSVP'd "yes" to my shower (which is next weekend) - we have not yet received her RSVP to the wedding.

FH thinks we should send her an e-mail expressing that we'd (I'd) love to see her at the shower and celebrate with her then, but somehow uninvite her to the wedding. I, have no stinking clue what to do. I don't feel right asking her not to come after sending her an invitation, but if there truly is a restraining order in place, legally she cannot come. 

What would the etiquette ladies do?
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Re: Divorced couple invited - we've got a problem.

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    If there is a restraning order, he is absolutely right, they both cant be there. I just dont know if its up to you to decide who should come and who shouldnt. I believe if they both know the other is invited, it would be up to HER to decide if she wants to break the restraining order and go to jail. Or it would be up to him and sit this one out knowing how close you and she are.

     

    Sorry, Im not much help wih the etiquette on this one. GL!

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    You said he has a history of lying, so I might not even worry about it. She knows he's invited, so it's up to her if she wants to come. If there is actually a restraining order in effect, then she'll be the one to deal with it. I don't think I would even respond to the message.
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    If there is a restraining order against her, then it's up to her whether or not she want to breaks it.

    She can choose not to attend and you don't have to disinvite her. I would leave it alone.
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    hordolhordol member
    First Answer 5 Love Its First Anniversary Name Dropper
    edited May 2013
    If both of them can't be there, why is it automatically the wife being cut? The impression I got from your post was that you were super close with the wife and the guys only hung out when you were together as couples. Did I miss something?

    Anyway, if there is a restraining order, you couldn't have both. Maybe try asking the girl about it--would she be honest? If it is true, it would be an awkward thing to talk about, but it is essential that you know so you can try and solve this. Well, actually, I shouldn't say that YOU need to solve this, because this is definitely between the other couple. They need to decide how they are going to handle this--it legally involves them, not you. It definitely isn't fair for this guy to put you in this position. Knowing that both he and the ex are invited, it is their job for them to agree how they will handle this. It is not fair to essentially make you decide who you want more at your wedding.

    I would email the guy back and tell him you appreciate that he wants to be there, but this is his problem to solve with his ex wife. You can't make the decision about whether or not they are going to follow the law and you don't want to uninvite either one, because that is rude.
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    Since she is your friend you have drinks with I would simply keep hanging out with her as a friend. It sounds like you are close enough that she would probably bring it up when just the two of you are hanging out, and you could ask her about it then if you're comfortable. Otherwise I'd just let it fall to them, after all if he is lying there is no reason for it to come up or for her not to come, but seat them apart!
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    annathy03 said:
    Since she is your friend you have drinks with I would simply keep hanging out with her as a friend. It sounds like you are close enough that she would probably bring it up when just the two of you are hanging out, and you could ask her about it then if you're comfortable. Otherwise I'd just let it fall to them, after all if he is lying there is no reason for it to come up or for her not to come, but seat them apart!
    FH and I have moved away from Michigan, and all of our friends, and we don't see them in person often anymore. I'll see her next weekend at my shower, but FH is anxious to reply to his friend. 
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    You said he has a history of lying, so I might not even worry about it. She knows he's invited, so it's up to her if she wants to come. If there is actually a restraining order in effect, then she'll be the one to deal with it. I don't think I would even respond to the message.
    This. 
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    Ok, well then what you know is that your friend is going through a divorce. Maybe call to chat and see how she is doing, but if it doesn't come up I wouldn't press the issue. FI may have to tell him that it's his divorce and he will have to figure it out.
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    Jen4948Jen4948 member
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    I'd leave things alone.  If he is telling the truth, then she knows that he might be there and will have to not come without her invitation being retracted.  If he isn't, then she's welcome anyway and he can deal with it.
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    phiraphira member
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    I agree with PPs on this. This is a rough situation, and it's pretty terrible that you and your fiance now have to be involved on some level.

    The bottom line is, regardless of whether or not there's a restraining order, if the ex-husband doesn't want to risk being around his ex-wife, he should RSVP no. What he's doing right now is being extremely rude and saying, "It's either me or her! Pick and risk my friendship!" I'd be tempted to tell him, "Then we'll really miss you at the wedding" just for putting me in that position!
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    rajahmdrajahmd member
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    phira said:

    I agree with PPs on this. This is a rough situation, and it's pretty terrible that you and your fiance now have to be involved on some level.


    The bottom line is, regardless of whether or not there's a restraining order, if the ex-husband doesn't want to risk being around his ex-wife, he should RSVP no. What he's doing right now is being extremely rude and saying, "It's either me or her! Pick and risk my friendship!" I'd be tempted to tell him, "Then we'll really miss you at the wedding" just for putting me in that position!
    I have to agree with you. He's putting you in a shitty position. Personally, that would piss me off. I'd let your FI deal with it since he got the message. Either ignore or write back saying it's his problem not your's, you won't be uninviting anyone, and you resent him putting you in such a horrible position.
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    jennyd412jennyd412 member
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    edited May 2013

     

    In general, you would not invite both halves of a divorced couple? That makes no sense. If the couple is friends with both halves of the divorces couple, why would they not invite both?  They (the divorcees) are adults and can handle their own issues.

     

    OP let them deal with this themselves. It is not your job to figure out if there  is a restraining order and its definitely not your job to be sure its followed.

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    rajahmdrajahmd member
    First Anniversary 5 Love Its First Comment First Answer
    I said I would not in general invite both halves of a recently divorced couple.  In all likelihood, one will not come, and I want to make that decision, not them.
    Control freak much? What if one is FI's friend and the other is your's? There's no way I would force FI to uninvite his friend so we could invite mine, and vice versa. I think it's a bit ridiculous to assume that all divorced couples automatically can't function in the same room.
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    I'd be tempted to respond that she already RSVP'd yes (not sure if this is true) and you have no intention of disinviting either of them so they'll have to figure it out.  Either that or ignore the message all together.

     

    I'm not totally up to speed on restraining orders, but can she really get in trouble if he goes somewhere he knows she's going to be?  Like, what if he showed up at her office?  doesn't he bear some responsibility to stay away from places he knows she'll be, too?

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    mlg78mlg78 member
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    Kate61487 said:

    I'd be tempted to respond that she already RSVP'd yes (not sure if this is true) and you have no intention of disinviting either of them so they'll have to figure it out.  Either that or ignore the message all together.

     

    I'm not totally up to speed on restraining orders, but can she really get in trouble if he goes somewhere he knows she's going to be?  Like, what if he showed up at her office?  doesn't he bear some responsibility to stay away from places he knows she'll be, too?

    In my last job I met with individuals filing protection orders (they're not restraining orders!!!).  It all comes down to who has the protection order against who.  In this case, she needs to leave upon realizing he is there.  In your example of him showing up to her office -- well that would just mean he's a freaking idiot because to get a PO, you have to be able to state you're in fear and have reasonable proof of why you're in fear of this other individual.  In general, should they both end up in a public place, she needs to leave. If police need to respond, she will be asked to leave by them.

     

    OP - Do you have security at your venue?  Alert them to be safe, but stay out of it otherwise.

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    If there really is a restraining order against her, then I have to think she would be the one inquiring whether her ex-husband is attending and then, if he is, telling you she must decline .  

    I'm confused as to how and when the invitation was addressed and received.  They were married when you sent STDs so they got one as a couple, right?  Then, did they get an invitation addressed to them as a couple?  Or separate invites, because they were divorced [and you knew it] when you sent the invites?

    Honestly, she knows that he is invited and he knows that she is invited.  Based on what you've written, I think he is just perpetuating drama.
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    AddieCakeAddieCake member
    First Anniversary First Answer First Comment 5 Love Its
    edited May 2013
    ceceibson said:
    Honestly, she knows that he is invited and he knows that she is invited.  Based on what you've written, I think he is just perpetuating drama.

    I agree. I think he just wants you to think she's awful and so he's telling you ZOMG, I HAD TO GET A RESTRAINING ORDER! 

    There's no other reason you'd need this info. They both know each other are invited. If such an order is in place, they know it's on them to abide by it, not to have their friends and family conduct their lives and invite or not invite them to functions based on it. 


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    AddieL73 said:
    ceceibson said:
    Honestly, she knows that he is invited and he knows that she is invited.  Based on what you've written, I think he is just perpetuating drama.

    I agree. I think he just wants you to think she's awful and so he's telling you ZOMG, I HAD TO GET A RESTRAINING ORDER! 

    There's no other reason you'd need this info. They both know each other are invited. If such an order is in place, they know it's on them to abide by it, not to have their friends and family conduct their lives and invite or not invite them to functions based on it. 


    Exactly this. He's never been one of my favorite people, and this situation just solidifies those feelings. 

    @ceceibson - They received the STD as a couple, and were sent separate invites. We, stupidly, thought that they'd handle this like adults and one would just not come. Last we knew, they were still sharing "custody" of their dog, so I imagined they quickly discuss it at a hand-off and figure out who was coming and who'd miss out. 
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    loca4pookloca4pook member
    First Comment Name Dropper 5 Love Its First Anniversary
    edited May 2013

    that makes sense to me, actually about hhim perpetuating drama since he knows she is going

     

    Also, it's not like "police" will be there patroling to see if it is violated. He would need to TELL them she is there to get her in legal trouble which would be a jerky move to do at someone's wedding.

    I agree with others. I would let it alone and let them work it out...

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    Tell your H to copy/paste this:

    "I'm really sorry to hear things have gotten so nasty between you and _________.  We've already sent invitations to both of you so I hope you two can figure this out amongst yourselves.  We are still friends with both of you and aren't comfortable un-inviting anyone to the wedding."
    I think that's brilliant. I'd use it word for word.
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    Tell your H to copy/paste this:

    "I'm really sorry to hear things have gotten so nasty between you and _________.  We've already sent invitations to both of you so I hope you two can figure this out amongst yourselves.  We are still friends with both of you and aren't comfortable un-inviting anyone to the wedding."
    Yup. This. It's not your order to deal with. She would be the one to get in trouble because the order is against her

    Also, if he is lying, it will "call his bluff" so to speak.
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    KDM323KDM323 member
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    I'm going to call this as I see it:

    This guy is going to be the one who WOULD call the cops at your wedding and have them show up and take the woman out in handcuffs in the middle of your reception - even if she never approached him, etc.

    I'd reply to him and tell him that you are not comfortable with the situation and seeing as though she has already replied that she will be attending, unfortunately HE cannot attend because you do not want to have a disturbance at your wedding.

    That's probably not proper etiquette...but then again, someone who delivers that kind of drama/ultimatum via a facebook message isn't exactly the epitome of etiquette.    I'd hate to see major drama on YOUR day because of this...and it sounds like he is more of a problem then she is.
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    I'd stay out of it, let them work it out on their own.  They are adults.  Also she only violates the restraining order if she does not leave, once she discovers he is there. 
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    Drex, very astute reading.  IF what the guy says is true, that ex-wife can not come if he does, then OP has to decide who she wants.  She can not say both invited.  Accept him at his word, and say so sorry.

    But that's just it - it shouldn't be OP's problem.  She invited them both prior to knowing of any drama (she knew they were divorced, but not that it was messy) and shouldn't have to be rude by retracting someone's invitation.  They both know the other is invited, it's THEIR drama to figure out who's attending and who's staying home.
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    KDM323KDM323 member
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    If she doesn't retract - then there will be drama at her wedding if they both show up.

    And, technically, if there is a restraining/protection order...the divorced couple cannot legally be communicating with each other.  So "they" aren't going to work it out.  (If they could work things out, odds are they wouldn't be divorced and there wouldn't be a restraining order in the first place)

    So, I see the OP as having two choices:  Tell one of the couple not to come or potentially face drama and cops at her wedding. 

    I'd choose to tell one of them not to come - even if that is 'rude' - in order to spare the rest of my guests (and myself, fiancee and family) having to be witness to a Jerry Springer episode on my wedding day.
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    Ugh this guys sounds like trouble.I'd send what NOLA suggested, and definitely tell FI that you'd prefer SHE get invited if it comes to that. By good friend's now ex-husband was crazy adn the reason they got divorced, and he took out an OP against her even though he was the one causing all the problems. It was like one more thing to do to be nasty to her.
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    Hopefully, if what he's saying is true, then she would have enough sense not to show up. But revoking her invitation to the wedding would also mean she couldn't attend the bridal shower, either. I really think this is something the OP needs to stay out of.
    Honestly, I'd be temped to tell the guy not to show up JUST because of the situation he's putting them through. Not that I would do it, but I'd be wanting to.
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    If she doesn't retract - then there will be drama at her wedding if they both show up.

    And, technically, if there is a restraining/protection order...the divorced couple cannot legally be communicating with each other.  So "they" aren't going to work it out.  (If they could work things out, odds are they wouldn't be divorced and there wouldn't be a restraining order in the first place)

    So, I see the OP as having two choices:  Tell one of the couple not to come or potentially face drama and cops at her wedding. 

    I'd choose to tell one of them not to come - even if that is 'rude' - in order to spare the rest of my guests (and myself, fiancee and family) having to be witness to a Jerry Springer episode on my wedding day.
    They can communicate, but it has to be about something usually non-relationship related ie. the sale of mutual property that has already been discussed, children, etc. If he really didn't want her to come, he could send her a certified letter stating that he is attending such&such wedding on X date and if she attends he has every legal right to call the authorities if she doesn't immediately leave.

    A RO is the problem of the couple, and no one else should have to accommodate them because they can't act like adults. It sucks, trust me I know, but it's not the responsibility of anyone else to make sure their legal orders are being followed properly.

    Can you call he ex-wife and let her know that the ex-husband is attending, just as an FYI? Then it will sort of put the ball in her court.
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    Isn't an RO public record? If you really want to, you could look it up and see if he's lying.
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