Honeyfund Contribution, but No Gift

heypulice

Hello! I'm trying to figure out how to approach the subject with a couple of friends. For our gift registry we setup a Honeyfund. When we opened the presents/cards from our wedding I discovered that a good friend of mine gave me a card, but with no gift, so I assumed she purchased something from the Honeyfund. I checked the Honeyfund and she did not purchase a gift. Another friend did purchase a Honeyfund gift and she was going to give us cash, but we did not receive anything from her the day of the wedding. Since the two people are good friends of mine I have no doubt that they did give me a gift. Any advice on how to approach the subject with the two friends? I want to make sure they understood how to use the Honeyfund and hopefully confirm that the gifts were given and they weren't misplaced!

HobokensFury

You don't.  There's not polite way to do this.  Let's not even bring up the issues with honeyfund...

[Deleted User]

You shouldn't assume that people got you a gift. And you shouldn't ask. 

brielleinlove

Yet another reason not to do a cash registry.  Let it be, OP.

QueerFemme

ugh....

misshart00

Never assume someone got you a gift. Maybe the one who said she got you a honey fund gift thought it went through the website; most people don't understand how those work.

ohmrs2014

Never assume someone is going to get you a gift.  

MuppetFan

Well, it was rude to ask for money (which is what the honeyfund does). It's also rude to expect a gift. So I agree, just let it be.

heypulice

When did everyone become so judge mental!?

jessicabessica

@heypulice if you lurked here at all, you would know how people react to honeymoon registries.  And no one is required to give you a wedding gift, plus some people may give a gift a little bit after the wedding.  Think about how you would come across if you went up to your nearest and dearest and asked them when you could expect to receive something from them.  

hoffse

It's because honeyfunds are rude since it's an outright request for cash, and you are making big assumptions here about your friends.

We received many gifts after the wedding - we've been married almost 2 months, and there are 4 people/families very close to us who say something is still coming (a grandmother, our best man, my parents' best friends, and one of our readers).  People have up to a year to get you a gift, and for some it takes longer to get around to it.

Viczaesar

heypulice said:

When did everyone become so judge mental!?

About 1.8 million years ago. 

[Deleted User]

Also, here's another reason to not bring it up: With Honeyfund, they "buy" you a gift but then bring you cash to the wedding, right?  So if there was nothing in her envelope, it's not like she's paid for something and it didn't show up. So no one has lost anything.  If the one card had nothing in it, it's unlikely that someone opened it, took something out of it, and resealed it. Don't say a thing.

artbyallie

heypulice said:

When did everyone become so judge mental!?

Why are you flagging abuse on posters that disagree with you? They're allowed to do that as long as they're not calling you names.

[Deleted User]

@KnotPorscha @KnotJackie - Again with the abuse of the 'flag' function.  This really needs to be worked out.

@heypulice Don't ask a question if you don't want an answer.

[Deleted User]

Hey Guys,

We understand the flagging is not working and will likely be removed between today/tomorrow.

Thanks,
KP

misshart00

Geez, I didn't even call it tacky. I explained that many people don't know how honeymoon registries work. Why did I get flagged?

AddieCake

I'm tempted to flag you, OP. But I won't b/c I'm capable of telling the difference between abuse and a response I didn't like. 

[Deleted User]

AddieL73 said:

I'm tempted to flag you, OP. But I won't b/c I'm capable of telling the difference between abuse and a response I didn't like. 

I went to flag OP to bring to the attention of the mods that we had another abuse issue (And I'm not even trying to rush them into fixing the flag feature-- I sort of wanted the ban hammer to show that this wasn't tolerated)-- then I realized that wasn't the proper use of the flag tool either and removed it, paging instead.  I guess I thought maybe I could flag HER, not her POST. But it makes less sense when I write it down.

kmcmaster05

I went to a wedding that I had to leave a work trip in LA two days early for and travel (via Red Eye) to Long Island, rent a car and drive myself around. My boyfriend at the time, who lived with me, was not invited to this wedding.

Honestly, the work trip got away from me and I did not bring a card to the wedding. I had every intention of purchasing one and including a check, and figured that I would mail that to her when I got back home (in Chicago). Before I could even figure out what time zone I was in, I had an email from her asking if maybe my card got lost because they didn't see anything in the gift box.

I literally ripped up the check I was going to include and send the card empty. I wasn't even going to send the card but I had already paid for it. Was it the most mature thing I've ever done? No. But I had already gotten her a gift for her shower and paid HUNDREDS of dollars and made special arrangement to attend her wedding WITHOUT my boyfriend and I was p*ssed.

My point is, do not ask about this.

ohmrs2014

heypulice said:

When did everyone become so judge mental!?

Let's take out the part of the Honeyfund registry.  Your still assuming that someone is meant to give you a gift.  That in itself is just rude.  We aren't being judgmental, in fact, you are being judgmental by assuming that someone is supposed to get you a gift and then you get all upset because in fact someone didn't give you a gift.

ohmrs2014

50ShadesofMe said:

Never assume someone is going to get you a gift.  

I just realized I was flagged for this.  Seriously?  @KnotPorscha did you guys fix the flagging issue?  It's not fair that we are getting flagged for giving advice and when its not what the OP want's to hear, they go on a flagging binge.

Peledreamsofrain

Post removed due to GBCK

Peledreamsofrain

Post removed due to GBCK

Nightingalejules

The only thing I'd actually be worried about is if, through a flaw in software, or possibly due to theft at the wedding, someone gave a gift and I didn't receive it. Not even so much that I'd be upset about not getting the gift, but that I wouldn't be able to acknowledge it. 

I'd hate to think that Aunt Muriel gave me a check, someone stole it, and I wasn't able to write a thank you b/c I didn't know she'd given me anything. And then Aunt Muriel feels that I was ungrateful b/c she didn't get a thank you. I mean, I know that there's no polite way to say "did you give us a gift?" but in situations like that I kind of wish there was.

MyNameIsNot

MUD

MyNameIsNot

Nightingalejules  When Aunt Muriel notices that you didn't cash the check and didn't write a note, she'll put two and two together and ask you if you got it.  

It's perfectly acceptable to follow up to make sure your gift was received if you don't know and didn't get a thank you.  

SBmini

MuppetFan said:

Well, it was rude to ask for money (which is what the honeyfund does). It's also rude to expect a gift. So I agree, just let it be.

Why is it rude to ask for money? In some cultures it is expected to give money and gifts are not common.

QueerFemme

SBmini said:

MuppetFan said:

Well, it was rude to ask for money (which is what the honeyfund does). It's also rude to expect a gift. So I agree, just let it be.

Why is it rude to ask for money? In some cultures it is expected to give money and gifts are not common.

You are right, some cultures are more likely to give cash instead of boxed gifts, but that bride and groom shouldn't be ASKING for cash.  that is the rude part.

SBmini

cmgilpin said:

SBmini said:

MuppetFan said:

Well, it was rude to ask for money (which is what the honeyfund does). It's also rude to expect a gift. So I agree, just let it be.

Why is it rude to ask for money? In some cultures it is expected to give money and gifts are not common.

You are right, some cultures are more likely to give cash instead of boxed gifts, but that bride and groom shouldn't be ASKING for cash.  that is the rude part.

I think the OP is completely in the wrong here for wanting to ask her friends why they didn't give her money, however, I don't necessary think it is rude to ask for money. We aren't planning on registering, literally half because of cultural differences (my fiance is Armenian and they do cash) and half because the stuff we need you cannot buy in a store. We've got a mixer and pots and pans etc. We need our pool to be refinished and our house painted. I'd rather let my guests know why we're not registered then leave them guessing and buying us stuff that we have. That's just my two cents. 

MyNameIsNot

SBmini said: cmgilpin said: SBmini said: MuppetFan said: Well, it was rude to ask for money (which is what the honeyfund does). It's also rude to expect a gift. So I agree, just let it be.
Why is it rude to ask for money? In some cultures it is expected to give money and gifts are not common.
You are right, some cultures are more likely to give cash instead of boxed gifts, but that bride and groom shouldn't be ASKING for cash.  that is the rude part. I think the OP is completely in the wrong here for wanting to ask her friends why they didn't give her money, however, I don't necessary think it is rude to ask for money. We aren't planning on registering, literally half because of cultural differences (my fiance is Armenian and they do cash) and half because the stuff we need you cannot buy in a store. We've got a mixer and pots and pans etc. We need our pool to be refinished and our house painted. I'd rather let my guests know why we're not registered then leave them guessing and buying us stuff that we have. That's just my two cents.  Sorry, but it's always rude to ask for money.  It's rude to ask for any gift.  

Just not registering is fine.  That lets people get the hint without asking them for anything.  It gets rude when you start asking for a gift.  Just as you wouldn't call your grandmother and tell her to get you a birthday gift, you don't bring up wedding gifts for yourself.