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Invites and Paper

FMIL is Angry.

My parents are paying for the entire wedding. They offered, and I am extremely grateful that my parents can afford and want to take care of everything. Even my dress for that matter. The only thing they are not paying for is to rent FI's tux.

Well, his mom called him last night and was screaming (yes screaming) I could hear her from the other side of the living room. She is pissed because her and FI's dad are not going to be mentioned in the invitations...... 

Well, my mom took care of the invitations. She showed me and FI what they look like before they were ordered, and we were fine with them. 

How should I go about this? I don't want his mom to be upset, but I can't really change the wording now that the invites are ordered. I feel like she's being dramatic and really has no right to be as she isn't involved in any of the planning, nor has she offered to help with any of it. 
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Re: FMIL is Angry.

  • itzMSitzMS member
    2500 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers First Anniversary
    My parents are paying for the entire wedding. They offered, and I am extremely grateful that my parents can afford and want to take care of everything. Even my dress for that matter. The only thing they are not paying for is to rent FI's tux.

    Well, his mom called him last night and was screaming (yes screaming) I could hear her from the other side of the living room. She is pissed because her and FI's dad are not going to be mentioned in the invitations...... 

    Well, my mom took care of the invitations. She showed me and FI what they look like before they were ordered, and we were fine with them. 

    How should I go about this? I don't want his mom to be upset, but I can't really change the wording now that the invites are ordered. I feel like she's being dramatic and really has no right to be as she isn't involved in any of the planning, nor has she offered to help with any of it. 

    This can be a really sensitive subject, as some people feel it is an "honor" to be named on the invitations. It sounds like this is clearly the case for FMIL. Traditional etiquette points us to the facts that the invitation identifies the hosts, and what the guests are being invited to.

    DH & I paid for our own wedding, and all of our parents still pretty much demanded to be named. We did include them, just to avoid the arguements.

    It sounds like the ship has sailed for you as your invitations are already ordered. FI can explain to his mom that he is sorry for the confusion, but invitations indicate the hosts, and your parents are the hosts.


     

    AllieBear725
  • Good point. I mean if I would have known she felt so strongly about it, I wouldn't have had a problem with them being on the invitations.

    I think my mom feels like since her and my dad are hosting and paying that they wanted their names there. 

    I hope she gets over it. 
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  • She really has no choice but to get over it.

    And frankly, while she's entitled to her feelings, she owed your FI an aplology.
    AllieBear725B2Z728
  • ohmrs2014ohmrs2014 Dirty Jerz mod
    Moderator 500 Love Its 1000 Comments Fourth Anniversary
    I agree with PP.  The names on invites are traditionally for the hosts and in this case its your parents.  FI and I are paying for our wedding and while my parents want to be named on the invites, his parents don't care.  Luckily I have plenty of time to figure it out.  Hopefully she gets over it quick and def have your FI talk to her.
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    AllieBear725
  • Tell her she's more than welcome to send out the invitations for the rehearsal dinner, which I believe the groom's parents have traditionally paid for.
  • itzMSitzMS member
    2500 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers First Anniversary
    Tell her she's more than welcome to send out the invitations for the rehearsal dinner, which I believe the groom's parents have traditionally paid for.


    Oh gawd no.

    No No No.

    No one is required to pay for anything and telling FMIL she can host the rehearsal dinner is not the best way to start! Yikes!

  • I think the point of @meg's post was to point out the ridiculousness of what OP's FMIL is demanding. I read it as a tongue-in-cheek way to say, "Well, if you want to host something, here you go!" without being serious.
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    I'm gonna go with 'not my circus, not my monkeys.'
    NerdyLucy[Deleted User]
  • Well FI called her last night to talk about having them and my parents being mentioned in the programs, and she hung up the phone on him and they haven't talked since.... So I don't even know what to do now. I feel helpless.
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  • itzMSitzMS member
    2500 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers First Anniversary
    Well FI called her last night to talk about having them and my parents being mentioned in the programs, and she hung up the phone on him and they haven't talked since.... So I don't even know what to do now. I feel helpless.

    How long until your wedding?!?! You'll make it through!

    FMIL is being craycray. I'm sure she's just emotional about losing her "little boy". (I'm just assuming here, bc she sounds like my ex-MIL). I blame menopause.

    AllieBear725nellybellycat
  • Wedding is August 31. I have a very strong feeling that is the case. He is the youngest and his older brother is living with a girl he's been living with for 7 years and I don't think they will ever get married. I just feel bad FI is in the crossfire. His mom lives alone, his dad lives in another state for work, so yeah. It's just extra stress that nobody needs. She will get over it. (hopefully) lol
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  • Jen4948Jen4948 Houston member
    10000 Comments Seventh Anniversary 500 Love Its 25 Answers
    I think you should just let it be for now.  Maybe the air will cool off between now and your wedding.  It is sad that your FI is in the crossfire, but leave the ball completely in his court on this.
    AllieBear725
  • Sorry you're going through this. My parents wanted to be listed as hosts with traditional wording as well. We decided to just let the wording be their choice, but I am secretly afraid of this same thing happening. I wish we could have just used "Together with their Families"! I hope she mellows out and goes easy on your FI.
    AllieBear725
  • KDM323KDM323 member
    Knottie Warrior 500 Love Its 500 Comments Name Dropper
    She may be embarrassed and pissed because YOUR parents are on the invitations and they are not.

    Technically, since your parents are paying and hosting the wedding...they had every right to be included on the invitations.  (I'm presuming they used traditional wording)

    But I can definitely see where it would cause hurt feelings.

    I hope it can be smoothed over...it isn't a good way to start your marriage.




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  • I know that's why she was upset, but my mom bought the invitations and is paying for the entire wedding. She has been more than gracious asking his mom if she would like to invite anyone that FI didn't put on the guest list, and even offering to have her help pick out flowers and center pieces. She is completely blowing this all out of proportion. Trust me, this is NOT the way I wish my marriage was starting out either, but I can't control her. I feel bad that she is embarrassed, but she really needs to try and see that my mom has done everything she can to make her feel included.
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  • edited May 2013

    I think the point of @meg's post was to point out the ridiculousness of what OP's FMIL is demanding. I read it as a tongue-in-cheek way to say, "Well, if you want to host something, here you go!" without being serious.

     

    Thank you, lemclane!

    [Deleted User]
  • I read it as the same @meg2marryshane
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  • KDM323KDM323 member
    Knottie Warrior 500 Love Its 500 Comments Name Dropper
    I know that's why she was upset, but my mom bought the invitations and is paying for the entire wedding. She has been more than gracious asking his mom if she would like to invite anyone that FI didn't put on the guest list, and even offering to have her help pick out flowers and center pieces. She is completely blowing this all out of proportion. Trust me, this is NOT the way I wish my marriage was starting out either, but I can't control her. I feel bad that she is embarrassed, but she really needs to try and see that my mom has done everything she can to make her feel included.
    Did his parents offer to pay for anything in the wedding at all?  I hate to say it, but your Mom sounds like she is completely "running the show" here.  She showed you the invitations when she ordered them?  She's offering to allow your future MIL to "help" pick out the centerpieces and flowers?

    Are you and your fiancee doing any of the actual planning of your wedding or is your Mom planning everything and using the fact that she is paying for it as a way of having total control over every detail of your wedding?

    I just want you to take a look at the situation and see if perhaps there is something that is causing your fiancee's Mom to be upset that perhaps you haven't seen...and perhaps the "invitations' are the proverbial straw that breaks the camel's back.
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  • AllieBear725AllieBear725 member
    500 Comments 250 Love Its Name Dropper
    edited May 2013
    I know that's why she was upset, but my mom bought the invitations and is paying for the entire wedding. She has been more than gracious asking his mom if she would like to invite anyone that FI didn't put on the guest list, and even offering to have her help pick out flowers and center pieces. She is completely blowing this all out of proportion. Trust me, this is NOT the way I wish my marriage was starting out either, but I can't control her. I feel bad that she is embarrassed, but she really needs to try and see that my mom has done everything she can to make her feel included.
    Did his parents offer to pay for anything in the wedding at all?  I hate to say it, but your Mom sounds like she is completely "running the show" here.  She showed you the invitations when she ordered them?  She's offering to allow your future MIL to "help" pick out the centerpieces and flowers?

    Are you and your fiancee doing any of the actual planning of your wedding or is your Mom planning everything and using the fact that she is paying for it as a way of having total control over every detail of your wedding?

    I just want you to take a look at the situation and see if perhaps there is something that is causing your fiancee's Mom to be upset that perhaps you haven't seen...and perhaps the "invitations' are the proverbial straw that breaks the camel's back.
    FI's parents told him flat out, very bluntly that neither of them can afford to pay for anything. They told him as soon as they found out he proposed (we did NOT ask for anything financially from them). His dad then mentioned they would pay for the rehearsal dinner (weeks later) if we have one. His parents are divorced, and his mom doesn't work, but his dad pays for everything for her still. Not that that matters, just giving insight. 

    Here's some back story.... Me and FI originally wanted to do a destination or JOP wedding since he is joining the military soon. We didn't want to make a big deal out of it, and I don't care to be the center of attention, so I didn't want a big wedding at all. When we told my parents this, they flipped out, and my dad said we had to have a wedding so my grandma could be there (I know it's our day, do what we want, etc. BUT I respect my dad and was okay with having a 70 people wedding). That being said, I chose the venue, picked the date, did the STD's, and colors, etc. I asked my mom to help out with decorations, flowers, and favors because I have no clue where to even start, and was starting to get overwhelmed by everything since our date was super quick. If I were to tell my mom I don't like something, or I want to plan this that and the other, she would be completely fine with that. She is only helping with the things I asked her to do. 

    Invitations, she chose them, me and FI both agreed they were fine, they were ordered.

    I was given a budget for my entire wedding, and was also told I can do what I want with it (even if I just wanted to throw it into savings and get married in the back yard). I asked my mom to help me with everything because I am VERY indecisive, and she is great with party planning.  

    As for his mother.... She has never ONCE asked to help with anything. I, am not going to ask for her help, as it seems rude. Out of nowhere, this last weekend is when she started asking anything about the wedding besides the date, colors, venue. This is when she brought up the invitations to FI and started screaming and hung up on him. 

    After I heard the screaming, listened to FI, and realized she is hurt because she's not going to be listed in the invitations. I started said thread. At that point, I got the idea to add them to the programs, which FI then called and tried to talk to her about. I thought it was a beautiful idea to have both families mentioned in the most important part of the entire thing, the actual wedding. That's when she just hung up the phone on him. She hasn't spoken to him since. 

    I have nothing against her. I have tried several times to include her in family affairs, or events. She usually only has negative and hurtful things to say about me behind my back after to FI. Which is whatever, I can't control what she thinks, and I don't take it too much to heart as FI loves me. If she was so inclined to help, she should have said something along the lines of "I can't contribute financially, but I can help out doing other stuff." I'm not sure if she's bitter at my family for paying, or upset because he is her youngest and he's getting married and joining the Navy. Whatever the reason, it's pushing her further away from FI because she continues to yell and disrespect him continuously. 

    Before I conclude, let me say again. I have NO problem with this woman. I realize he is her mother, that's never going to change, and if I were in her shoes I would be feeling pretty lonely and scared too. Her other sons aren't exactly.... role models, they treat her very badly and one has ruled her out of his life completely. She is not a bad person, I just think she is going about things completely wrong, and I can't help the situation any more. I decided last night, (after talking to our pre-martial counselor about it) that I will leave it be. If her and FI work it out, great. His parents will both be mentioned in the programs, as well as mine. I can't fix their relationship. I feel like me and my family have both gone out of our way to be nice and include her in everything. FI is 100% on my side.


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  • KDM323KDM323 member
    Knottie Warrior 500 Love Its 500 Comments Name Dropper
    Gotcha. 

    I was only mentioning things in my prior post because I have sadly witnessed where Mother's of the Bride have taken over every.single.detail of a wedding and made it all about "them" not the bride and I wanted to make sure that wasn't what was happening to you.


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  • @drexelkathy I completely understand! She wants me to do whatever I want for sure, but of course, she's happy to help :)
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  • It sounds like your parents are very supportive.

    As someone who has dealt with IL issues since before DH and I were engaged, know that it's how you handle her know that sets the tone for how things will proceed.

    That hardly means giving into her demands or temper tantrums.   Instead, it's understanding that she may be grumpy and she needs to move on in her own time.   
    AllieBear725
  • I think she is FINALLY turning a leaf. FI got laid off yesterday, and he told his mom. She called and talked to him, so I think they are at least talking again, which is better than I can say for the other day. 

    Thanks for the advice everyone!
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  • Jen4948Jen4948 Houston member
    10000 Comments Seventh Anniversary 500 Love Its 25 Answers
    That's great news.  I hope it resolves itself in a good way!
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