Preparing for the worst

sarah_goodrum

I want to apologize in advance if I come off as a total b**** here. My DH's best friend, R, recently got engaged to his girlfriend of 7 years. Neither DH nor I can stand this woman (and yes, we've /tried/ to like her) - R knows this, he's less than happy about it, but accepts it - we try not to make a big deal about it, and we're always civil to her. My problem is this: she genuinely believes I'm her friend and I'm terrified that she'll ask me to be a bridesmaid (which is unconscionable to me) and I have no idea how to refuse if she does. Given what I know of the budget for the wedding, saying that can't afford it would be easily seen as a lie..... I'd like to think I'm being paranoid and that it's unlikely she'll ask me, but since I can't even really understand how her brain works to make her think we're friends, I honestly don't know what she might or might not do, and I'd rather be prepared for the worst (with a polite refusal) and be wrong than believe she won't ask and get caught wrong-footed if she does.

calliopeia2013

I was asked to be a bridesmaid by someone whom I, similarly, didn't have a great relationship with.  Saying no kinda sucked, and she threw a hissy fit for a few days, but she got over it.  In my case, I gave a totally honest reason (as in your case, saying I couldn't afford it would have been an obvious lie), which was that I felt like we barely knew each other and I really wasn't comfortable being in the wedding and that I hoped she would understand.

I stressed about it for a long time beforehand, but when I finally did just say no to her, it was like a huge weight off my chest.  And now all I do is laugh at her increasingly hilarious etiquette violations in each piece of wedding-related correspondance we receive, and feel grateful that I don't have to deal with any of it personally.

akaneli

I am on the other side of this one. My FH's best friend's wife, doesn't like me. It is nothing that I have done or said, the simple reason is she liked his previous GF more and thought she would be the one to marry him. She remained friends with the girl and insisted on inviting single her to parties we would be at as a couple knowing this ex still wants to be with my guy. At said parties they would get all high school and blatantly talk about me from across the room. (No this is not all in my head in case you're wondering my FH has confirmed this as the reason and witnessed it) i tried for so long to behave as a lady and not acknowledge it and be not just civil but friendly to this woman. This couple is still to this day invited to all our parties and when we are invited I will put on a smile, bring them wine and play along. I'm SURE this woman thinks I think we are "friends" but me and my FH know different. The ONLY reason I put up with the whole thing is because her husband is my FH best and oldest friend. their relationship has started to fade and it makes me sad that my FH is loosing a dear friend all because she liked this other woman better. That being said. Maybe she KNOWS you are not a friend but just wants to keep the peace and your worry is for nothing. People know when others don't like them.

MobKaz

I agree with Calliopeia.  I would not mince words, nor make up excuses.  

Making up excuses, as Retread suggests, will only "bite you in the butt" so to speak.  The party line touted here infinitum is that there is "no time to devote".  The only requirement of a bridesmaid is to purchase a dress and attend the wedding.  This girl might be quick to assure you of that.

Awkward as it might be for the brief exchange, simply tell her you don't feel comfortable accepting the role of bridesmaid.  

akaneli

RetreadBride said:

Holy cow, Akaneli.  Congratulations on your self-control. That's beyond horrible.

Oh believe me, I have had my moments but I do it in private and away from my FH. (i do not wish to upset him further) OP My point in sharing my experience with a similar situation is just to say that if R knows you and your guy don't like her, it is highly likely she knows it too. I do agree with the ladies who think you should just be honest If she does ask you. Your words should be as kind as possible though since you want to keep R as a friend. She isn't just a GF anymore, soon she will be his WIFE so tread lightly because no matter how long you have been friends with R, he WILL pick his wife over you guys.

sarah_goodrum

For what it's worth, Akaneli, I would never /dream/ of treating this woman the way you're treated (which is completely appaling, and I second Retread that your self control is amazingly admirable!), and honestly it would be a relief to believe that she knows I don't like her - not because it would change anything about how we interact (like I said before, I would never be anything but civil), it would just ease my mind knowing that being polite isn't going to be misconstrued as friendship...... This whole situaton makes me feel like I'm being two-faced, simply because I'm not out-and-out rude to her.... Thanks everyone for your advice

blueobsidian

leighbie87 said:

RetreadBride said:

"Thank you for honoring me with your request.  I don't feel that I have the time to devote to your wedding that you deserve.  I've got many things on my agenda at the moment, so must decline.  Of course I wouldn't dream of not being there when you get married, and can't wait to attend as a guest."

Lather, rinse, repeat. Don't let yourself be guilted. NO is not a four-letter word.  Use it if she tries to pressure you.  "Thank you, but no.  I can't."

Then change the subject.  Keep changing the subject.  She's the one being rude if she keeps pushing, not you.

What does "no is not a four letter word" even mean?!?! You say that all the time...where does the "four" letter word come from?

It's a pretty common expression.  "Four letter words" references profanities, so all the expression means is that no isn't a bad word.

1FairMaiden

Four letter words are generally expletives that are considered rude and inappropriate. What they're saying when they say "No is not a four letter word" is that it isn't inappropriate or rude to say "No." 

oh my goodness, OP, can I ever relate to what you said! My FI's roommate (who's a girl) has been dating FI's best friend (a guy) for 5 years. She's awful. She's obnoxious, she's controlling... in fact, sometimes I think she's downright abusive to her BF. If anyone heard a man talk to a woman the way that she talks to him, we'd all be telling her to get out before it turns to violence. And he's talking about proposing to her over the summer, and I'm fairly certain that, despite the fact that I don't even LIKE her, she considers me one of her best friends, by virtue of the fact that since FI is living with her, I see her all the time. 

If she asked me to be a bridesmaid, I would tell her straight up that I didn't feel comfortable standing with her at the altar, because I think that their marriage is a mistake that they will both regret, and I can't condone it by word, deed or action. End of story. I would be that honest with her about it because that is how strongly I feel about it, and I don't think anyone has had the guts to say that to her.... though we've all tried to talk HIM out of staying with her for years. 

kerbohl

It is scary that so many women were raised that way.  I, fortunately, do not usually have a hard time saying "no".  Some people think I do and try to walk over me, and find out pretty fast that it isn't going to happen. 

akaneli

For what it's worth, Akaneli, I would never /dream/ of treating this woman the way you're treated (which is completely appaling, and I second Retread that your self control is amazingly admirable!), and honestly it would be a relief to believe that she knows I don't like her - not because it would change anything about how we interact (like I said before, I would never be anything but civil), it would just ease my mind knowing that being polite isn't going to be misconstrued as friendship...... This whole situaton makes me feel like I'm being two-faced, simply because I'm not out-and-out rude to her.... Thanks everyone for your advice

Don't worry you aren't being two-faced. You are being an adult. Adults are not rude to people just because we don't like them we are as you said civil to one another. Most importantly though you are being a good friend to R which I'm sure he appreciates. And venting on here about it will keep you from snapping .