"Doing enough" for the guests at your destination wedding...Vent-ish

AllyIdo

Hi All,

Last weekend my MOH was in town and we were talking about the wedding. I gave her the details about the day of, the ceremony and dinner. She asked what we were planning for after the wedding and I said I wasn't sure yet. We have the Blvd. suite at PH so I imagine we'd have people up there to drink and carry on. She asked if we will go "out" at all after dinner, and I said I would like to, but that I feel I need to cover my guest's drinks and that would get even more expensive. Her boyfriend (who is just a real GEM in general) chimes in with, "Well everyone is flying to Las Vegas for you so you HAVE to do something."

Ugh. No $hit. That really pissed me off for the rest of the day. Isn't this supposed to be about people wanting to be there for US and not free booze and food? 

I have 10+ months until the big day, and while we think we will end up with 50 people, it could be less. The final head count will dictate what else we can do. I asked you guys about venues for a potential meet and greet. Now I am focusing on the after party. Maybe we could find a bar (it's a Sunday night) that we can all go to and I can throw my credit card down for a while.

We are going to do a DDB the night before, provide the booze for that. Then a very nice 3 course dinner at Mon Ami Gabi after the ceremony with all drinks covered (no limitations). We have the suite which we will stock with a ton of booze for the weekend.

This is now leading to me feeling just plain guilty and maybe even selfish for having an OOT wedding in general. I'm starting to think I should be doing more. This will drive me crazy until the wedding. Maybe I'm asking too much. Is it really tit for tat? Deep thoughts here

Anyone else ever feel this way? Anyone have some advice?

Thank you

vegasgroom

I think she is being insensitive and her boyfriend is just stupid.  If you're already doing something for the guests, with booze, the night before, and a dinner reception, that's already more than you're 'obligated' to do.  The reception's purpose is to thank your guests for coming to your wedding, and you're doing that plus the DDB tour, with booze.  You're going even further by welcoming guests to your room at a time many couples are getting started on the honeymoon and leaving the guests to go find their own activities, so you certainly shouldn't let anything they said get to you.

fablove

I think everything you already have planned and are paying for is plenty and really nice AS IS! If the GEM has a problem with doing something else then he's more than welcome to do it himself! I wouldn't change a thing!

wallacje

Everything that you have planned is enough for your guests.  Don't let her make you feel like you aren't doing enough.  In the end they are coming because they want to share in your special day.  If they don't like what you have planned then they can stay at home.  Now that you know they want you to pay for all kinds of stuff I would stop sharing wedding details with them unless they need to know them.

{{HUGS}}

 

[Deleted User]

You're going to be in VEGAS. If your guests can't figure out how to entertain themselves outside the official plans, they need their heads checked.

FrankensteinsGirl

You are going above and beyond.  Sounds like a fantastic time!

SD210

I think you are going above and beyond what is typically provided at a wedding - - you are doing the DDB with booze the night before, which is awesome.  Your dinner at Mon Ami Gabi (again, with open booze) is going to be amazing (I really like their food and the atmosphere there is great).  If you have people back to your suite for drinks, great, but honestly, you don't have to.  You will have hosted a reception at Mon Ami Gabi.  If you end up at a club or bar as an after party, that is great too, but you should not feel as though you need to pay for everyone's beverages all night long.  Your wedding sounds great, as is! 

But I totally get it - - I feel guilty all the time about the fact that people have to fly out to my wedding.  I also feel guilty that we can't host a meet and greet with an open bar.  But our reception at the Bellagio will be 5+ hours of open bar and a plated dinner, and that is all we can afford.  You can only do what you can do! 

Lindsay031

Yeah, I agree with everyone else!! & plus, wouldn't you think people would want a little time to do what they want on their own?!  I wouldn't worry about it, what you've got planned sounds like a ton of fun

wrigleyville

You're fine. As long as you're paying for dinner after the wedding, you've thanked your guests properly. You've gone above and beyond with all of the things you have planned, so your MOH's boyfriend was wrong (and rude).

The only time I get cheesed-off is when people invite everyone to Vegas and then don't even buy dinner for them after the wedding. These people flew to Vegas and are paying for a hotel to see you get married, and you can't even feed them one lousy meal? I would be ticked if I were a guest and then got told I had to buy my own dinner after the wedding because they "couldn't afford it". If you can't afford to feed your guests, don't get married in Vegas, capiche?

Valeriecruz82

katelynswartz said:

You're going to be in VEGAS. If your guests can't figure out how to entertain themselves outside the official plans, they need their heads checked.

Exactly!! It's Vegas there's so much to do let them figure the rest out its your wedding the last thing they should be doing is adding any more stress on you.

FrankensteinsGirl

For our 'after-party' we simply told people where we'd be, that the location had no cover but did have a one drink minimum if they wanted to meet up  

vegasgroom

wrigleyville said:

The only time I get cheesed-off is when people invite everyone to Vegas and then don't even buy dinner for them after the wedding. These people flew to Vegas and are paying for a hotel to see you get married, and you can't even feed them one lousy meal? I would be ticked if I were a guest and then got told I had to buy my own dinner after the wedding because they "couldn't afford it". If you can't afford to feed your guests, don't get married in Vegas, capiche?

Me too; if I'm going to a true destination wedding, that likely means I'm probably going to be out about $1k with travel, hotel, restaurants, etc. so at least give me one meal, preferably with booze. :-)

AllyIdo

Thanks for all of the encouraging replies! I wonder what would have happened if I posted this on the Etiquette board? 

wrigleyville

allyscud said:

Thanks for all of the encouraging replies! I wonder what would have happened if I posted this on the Etiquette board? 

You would have gotten the exact same response, that what you're doing is fine. They'd only get upset if you said you weren't paying for anything, period, not even dinner.

I frequent the E board, so trust me - you wouldn't have been flamed for that at all. Most of them would have said you're being really nice by hosting so many awesome things for your guests.

missmo14

I agree with PP you have definitely offered enough for your guests. I can understand the 'guilt' issue. Flights alone for my guests will be at least $1300 and then tack on hotels, food and spending money most of my guests will be spending over 2k just to come to our wedding.FI and I are thanking guests with
- welcome bags
- hosted bachelor / bachelorette party events & drinks
- hosted meet and greet with caricature artist
- transportation to wedding ceremony, refreshments after the ceremony, DDB with booze, 4 hour dinner reception with open bar, photobooth, elvis & showgirls, transportation back from reception
Basically that means we are entertaining, feeding and boozing our guests on Saturday, Sunday and Monday. Also means that our guests are fully looked after on our wedding day.
If that isnt enough for any of our guests then they can stay home. If anything im more worried that guests may not have enough 'free time'.

Kimberlybfpc

I was going to comment and say you are doing more than enough as well, but saw everyone already said what I was thinking. The boyfriend sounds like a flipping idiot.

eilis1228

Ugh, I'm sorry they put you through that. Like everyone else, I think you're going above and beyond already. Even though I'm in the very early stages of wedding planning, I've already learned this--people who have not planned a wedding have absolutely NO idea about wedding etiquette and the true cost of things. Let their complaints go in one ear and out the other. If they have a problem with what you're doing or complain about the cost, then they can stay home. That's what the online streaming of the ceremony is for!

hishoney71412

Sounds like her boyfriend is the one that is expecting you guys to be paying for everything they do while they're there and has been nagging at her about it.

I know a lot of people usually go out to a club or something after the reception when they're here but I just don't get it. I thought after the reception it was bride & groom alone time, not continue to entertain these people time. I would start getting more and more pissed as the night went on if I couldn't go be alone with my new husband.

stareyes59

I had this same discussion with a member of my fiance's family. We have both been VERY clear that our wedding is very small and quick (an insuite cocktail hour after the chapel at Mandalay Bay) and that we understand that people may not be able to afford/want to go all that way for a very low key event. His family member felt that we were not "giving enough" to the people that may come (food and unlimited alcohol for 2 hours) and that people will probably be offended. I nicely (wink, wink) reminded her that no one was under any obligation to come and that we have let everyone know of our intentions before they decided whether or not to come. If we wanted to have a true balls to the walls wedding we would have had it here in Massachusetts and invited everyone and their mother, but we are doing what we want. Don't feel guilty, we have your back!

wrigleyville

Ugh, I edited and it messed up the quoting.

AllyIdo

Oh, I wish you guys could meet her boyfriend. They've been together for 6+ years, he's 10 years older, never been married. All of her friends can't stand him, he makes insensitive comments to people left and right, thinks he is hot $hit, barely holds down a part time job while she is out making money, and dangles the thought of getting engaged in front of her but hasn't proposed. She was thisclose to leaving him at one point and I was subtly encouraging her to, but it never happened. Last year she got pregnant. She will never get rid of him now. One of my friends wanted to stage an intervention. It's bad. But, I love her and my godson to pieces and I will support them no matter what. She is so smart in life but not with this. It's sad.

vegasgroom

LOL sounds like someone a friend of my wife's is almost married to.  She gave ultimatums three times over four or five years about getting engaged or ending it, he called her bluff each time and the cycle continued.  They did finally end up engaged but there's of course no date set; who knows how that's going to end up.

sdg2502

I agree with everyone else, you are going above and beyond what you need to and no one is under any obligation to attend anyway!  

We felt briefly guilty about planning a wedding so far away in Vegas (we're in Scotland) and expecting people to travel, but everyone we have spoken to about it have been really excited and are using it as an opportunity to visit Vegas and have a blast with friends.  I think if we planned events for the whole trip, most people would be annoyed that our wedding was dominating every day and they weren't getting the chance to explore Vegas!  

What you have planned sounds incredible, you've planned plenty to make people feel like you truly appreciate their effort in joining you and you've got a great mix of wedding things and Vegas things, with the DDB strip tour.  Your friends and family are lucky to have been invited to such an awesome wedding and I bet your MOH left your house cringing at what her boyfriend had said and generally just feeling pretty embarrassed by him.    

kanvis

I think what your doing is plenty My mom always says, when someone gives you a piece of advice, always consider the source!