Are We Included?

minsu5

Shortly after Maryland passed Question 6, my partner proposed and we began planning our May 2014 wedding in Baltimore City. Throughout this process, I see that the wedding industry has overall welcomed the expansion of weddings to same-sex couples, but there are still areas of incongruity. For example, despite that I registered on my TK account that I'm planning a same-sex wedding with two grooms, I've received numerous bride-focued emails, like "Wear your status on your sleeve" by wearing a Mrs. black bikini and tips on throwing my bachelorette party. Even when I've visited potential venues, I was once shown the bridal suite and shown where I could "throw the bouquet."

Do you think the wedding industry has done enough to include same-sex couples? Do you feel included in your local wedding industry?

sdg2502

I don't have any really uncomfortable stories, but when I'm filling out an online information request form on a hotel or restaurants wedding section, it really bugs me when you can view all their great stuff about same sex ceremonies or receptions and then you have to fill out a form with the brides name and grooms name.

Simply Fated

Have you tried contacting these businesses directly? You'd be surprised by how many companies and establishments aren't even aware about things like their forms requesting specific genders or catering to the wrong one.


I'm not sure why you were upset about being shown a bridal suite. You know that "bridal" doesn't just pertain to the bride, right? A lot of people here "bridal" and they think of a young woman in a big white dress, but bridal ≠ bride.

minsu5

Simply Fated said:

Have you tried contacting these businesses directly? You'd be surprised by how many companies and establishments aren't even aware about things like their forms requesting specific genders or catering to the wrong one.

I'm not sure why you were upset about being shown a bridal suite. You know that "bridal" doesn't just pertain to the bride, right? A lot of people here "bridal" and they think of a young woman in a big white dress, but bridal ≠ bride.

I was never offended by the person who showed my FI and I the bridal suite at their venue. I felt it was more odd than anything considering its two dudes standing in front of the sales executive. Small comments like that don't necessarily bother me at first. I get that people are still adjusting and same-sex marriage has only been legal in Maryland since January. But, if a vendor wants my money, it helps to speak more inclusively.

On the other hand, the emails selling me bachelorette items annoyed me. I presume a company that has enough resources to send people mass emails every week could design a better means of sorting their email lists. I sent an email to TK about it and I got a response saying they'll improve their email strategy.

Simply Fated

I wouldn't hold my breath... It took years before TK changed the description for the Not Yet Engaged board.
Snails run the site. That's my theory, anyway.

lovelybride614

I get tons of "groom" info too so I'm guessing they just haven't figured out a good way to filter marketing info yet. I'm in Ohio and I have only one negative experience so far. I know I've said it a few times on this board, but I'll share my strategy. I'm a shy person so I email vendors instead of making cold calls. I get the basic information and then explain that it's a same sex ceremony and ask if they are ok with that.  I make it sound casual and non-accusatory so they will hopefully answer honestly. I want them to feel like they have a choice too. Then when we meet with them to talk in person, it's easier to gauge if they really mean it or are just trying to get your business. Hope this helps!

leesh16

There are so many gender assumptions made when you contact companies for wedding planning. Every experience we've had so far has been positive though. I think with more and more states passing marriage equality laws the wedding business is learning to adapt. For example, while emailing with our hotel for room blocks the manager asked for the groom's name. I responded with "The other bride's name is...." The manager immediately called me and apologized for the assumption. When the florist asked about the bridal bouquet, my FI responded with "I will be having a bridal boutonniere" Businesses, especially in the happy day magic that is the wedding business, want to please their customers. We just have to nudge them in the right direction. 

msgrinn

I'm straight and soon to be married with the man of my dreams but I have nothing against same-sex marriage. I believe that everyone has the rights to be happy in whatever gender preferences they belong. I suggest you not to worry too much about your wedding. It doesn't matter what other would think, what matters most is your lifelong happiness.

SheMarie82

I have been happily surprised by the amount of inclusion that I have experienced so far.  I am only 2 months into planning, but I have not had any bad experiences, and I am in Michigan where same sex marriage isn't legal (YET).  When trying to book our photographer, I emailed them all and let them know up front that it would be a same sex ceremony, and no one had a problem with it.  Actually, I got three responses back saying that they feel bad that the question even had to be asked. 

Our bridesmaids are all getting their dresses from David's Bridal, and they did not even blink twice when I said that there were two brides.  And, their forms say partner, not groom.

minsu5

Thanks @SheMarie82 for the observations. I, too, so far, have positive verbal support from our vendors. A couple days ago, I went to the courthouse to get our marriage license and the deputy sheriffs and court clerks were very supportive (and funny!). With some vendors, I still see the "Bridal" party and "Bride/Groom" labels, but I never took offense to it. Rather, I gently remind people that we haven't found that special bride yet, but in the meantime, would they please change it to wedding party. All have agreed and took note. Because same-sex marriage is still new in Maryland, I might be the first same-sex couple that vendor has met. 

My partner had suggested we give vendors a head's up that we're a same sex couple just to avoid any discomfort and traditional label dropping. I don't do that in Maryland because our public accommodations laws protects sexual orientation. However, I can see in some places, like in Virginia where my partner lives, that question may be helpful because sexual orientation is not protected.  Then again, when it comes to using a minister as an officiant or a place of worship as a venue, many states allow religious entities to refuse a same-sex couple any ceremonial services, so telling them you are a same-sex couple may be necessary.

2dBride

We live in Maryland, but got married in Massachusetts before it became legal in Maryland.  We encountered no outright hostility, but a lot of assumptions.  My favorite was the bridal store owner who asked each of us what day we were getting married, then exclaimed, "How unusual that two such good friends are getting married on the same day!"  Hmm...  Let me try explaining this one more time...  LOL

Unfortunately, in the wedding industry, money is made by catering to the "average"--and we are not and never will be the average.  If it's any comfort, the same assumptions are often galling to straight couples as well.  For example, I remember being told at my first marriage (to a man) that I should wear flat shoes so that I wouldn't be taller than the groom.  I would have been taller than the groom if I'd gone barefoot--but who decided that all brides must be shorter than all grooms?  I was talking with a group of wedding photographers recently, and they talked about how important it was to portray the groom as dominant (with shots like "the dip"), even if that was not actually the case for the couple.  Vendors often also believe that they must deal only with the bride, because the groom doesn't really have any input in his own wedding.

minsu5

@2dBride, I had a similar instance with my florist. She's a sweet woman with a slight pushy/motherly demeanor. I think I was her first same-sex wedding because all of her forms were still has "Bridal Party" and the contact person as the "Bride." She quickly changed it when we pointed it out, but it shows how the industry at the local level is still evolving. So far, I haven't been met with any hostility, just many educational moments with our vendors.