what if I can't afford an open bar?

kerbohl

@SBmini What I got out of your post was $50/person being completely insane.  I spend that on myself for alcohol in a year - and that is not an exaggeration, that is an average!  I know I'm not much of a drinker which contributes to $50 being a year's supply of alcohol, but even then, goodness those venues are gouging!  I'd just go dry wedding at that point. 

I personally am a fan of the limited bar options.  Due to my venue (not costs) I am having a dry wedding, but if I had a choice, I would have had wine, alcoholic cider, and coffee liquors.  I think having three or four options is plenty for guests to enjoy, and at a much smaller cost.  

manateehugger

kerbohl said:

@SBmini What I got out of your post was $50/person being completely insane.  I spend that on myself for alcohol in a year - and that is not an exaggeration, that is an average!  I know I'm not much of a drinker which contributes to $50 being a year's supply of alcohol, but even then, goodness those venues are gouging!  I'd just go dry wedding at that point. 

I personally am a fan of the limited bar options.  Due to my venue (not costs) I am having a dry wedding, but if I had a choice, I would have had wine, alcoholic cider, and coffee liquors.  I think having three or four options is plenty for guests to enjoy, and at a much smaller cost.  

$50/person is actually not that ridiculous depending on where you live. Ours would be $45/person if we chose top shelf liquor. 

I probably spent $50/week on booze in college....

SBmini

kerbohl said:

@SBmini What I got out of your post was $50/person being completely insane.  I spend that on myself for alcohol in a year - and that is not an exaggeration, that is an average!  I know I'm not much of a drinker which contributes to $50 being a year's supply of alcohol, but even then, goodness those venues are gouging!  I'd just go dry wedding at that point. 

I personally am a fan of the limited bar options.  Due to my venue (not costs) I am having a dry wedding, but if I had a choice, I would have had wine, alcoholic cider, and coffee liquors.  I think having three or four options is plenty for guests to enjoy, and at a much smaller cost.  

You are fortunate not to live in California. 

SBmini

JoanE2012 said:

Then don't!  Nobody is forcing you.  But you are hosting the event.  Don't pay for part of it and let your guests pay for the part you didn't want to or couldn't afford to.  That's rude.  If you can't afford an oper bar (or beer or wine), stick to soft drinks.  You can't have your cake and eat it too.

An open bar was important to my DH and I, so we opted for a cheaper venue so we could have the open bar (and also the honeymoon we wanted!)  Sure, it wasn't as glamourous as other wedding venues, but it worked out perfect for us and allowed us to host our guests properly.

Priorities, SBmini, priorities.

Let me explain my priorities to you. The man I am marrying comes from a culture where it isn't a party unless there is alcohol. Traditionally, there are bottles of Grey Goose and Black Label on every table and people serve themselves. The last wedding I was at our handles of Goose were replenished at least twice. It's not an option for me to have a dry wedding. It would be offensive to his family and would not be a good first step at acceptance.

My family, on the other hand, is completely OK with cash bars. Again, I think it is culture. My mom has seven brothers and sisters and I have 24 cousins. Our weddings are big, our pockets are not. And we've never thought twice about it. 

I found a venue that allows for outside alcohol and my fiance's family is footing the bill for the bottles of booze. That is how we compromised. But the point I've been making the whole time is that just because etiquette books written when our grandmothers were tying the knot say absolutely no charging guests for anything, doesn't mean that it doesn't happen or that people take offense at it. It's a brave new world and as you said, people need to decide what their priorities are. Some people may decide that their priority is to have their entire family there, even if the increased guest size squeezes out the alcohol budget. 

Jen4948

Sorry, but regardless of culture, nobody is entitled to alcohol that is not paid for by the hosts.  Regardless of culture, expecting guests to pay for alcohol is rude.  Your "priority" doesn't make it polite.  You've been really defensive about this, and nobody is moved by it.

People DO take offense by it.  They may not tell you so because to do so isn't polite either, but that doesn't negate that it is rude to do it in the first place.

manateehugger

SBmini said: JoanE2012 said: Then don't!  Nobody is forcing you.  But you are hosting the event.  Don't pay for part of it and let your guests pay for the part you didn't want to or couldn't afford to.  That's rude.  If you can't afford an oper bar (or beer or wine), stick to soft drinks.  You can't have your cake and eat it too.
An open bar was important to my DH and I, so we opted for a cheaper venue so we could have the open bar (and also the honeymoon we wanted!)  Sure, it wasn't as glamourous as other wedding venues, but it worked out perfect for us and allowed us to host our guests properly. Priorities, SBmini, priorities. Let me explain my priorities to you. The man I am marrying comes from a culture where it isn't a party unless there is alcohol. Traditionally, there are bottles of Grey Goose and Black Label on every table and people serve themselves. The last wedding I was at our handles of Goose were replenished at least twice. It's not an option for me to have a dry wedding. It would be offensive to his family and would not be a good first step at acceptance.
My family, on the other hand, is completely OK with cash bars. Again, I think it is culture. My mom has seven brothers and sisters and I have 24 cousins. Our weddings are big, our pockets are not. And we've never thought twice about it. 
I found a venue that allows for outside alcohol and my fiance's family is footing the bill for the bottles of booze. That is how we compromised. But the point I've been making the whole time is that just because etiquette books written when our grandmothers were tying the knot say absolutely no charging guests for anything, doesn't mean that it doesn't happen or that people take offense at it. It's a brave new world and as you said, people need to decide what their priorities are. Some people may decide that their priority is to have their entire family there, even if the increased guest size squeezes out the alcohol budget. 



So this brave new world allows you to require guests to pay for part of your own unnecessarily lavish reception? Forgive me if I'll stay with my grandmother's etiquette books that taught me some common courtesy. 

 

It doesn't bother me personally when people make comments about me being "brown" (I'm Indian), but I still know it's offensive for people to say it out loud. 

MyNameIsNot

SBmini said:

JoanE2012 said:

Then don't!  Nobody is forcing you.  But you are hosting the event.  Don't pay for part of it and let your guests pay for the part you didn't want to or couldn't afford to.  That's rude.  If you can't afford an oper bar (or beer or wine), stick to soft drinks.  You can't have your cake and eat it too.

An open bar was important to my DH and I, so we opted for a cheaper venue so we could have the open bar (and also the honeymoon we wanted!)  Sure, it wasn't as glamourous as other wedding venues, but it worked out perfect for us and allowed us to host our guests properly.

Priorities, SBmini, priorities.

Let me explain my priorities to you. The man I am marrying comes from a culture where it isn't a party unless there is alcohol. Traditionally, there are bottles of Grey Goose and Black Label on every table and people serve themselves. The last wedding I was at our handles of Goose were replenished at least twice. It's not an option for me to have a dry wedding. It would be offensive to his family and would not be a good first step at acceptance.

My family, on the other hand, is completely OK with cash bars. Again, I think it is culture. My mom has seven brothers and sisters and I have 24 cousins. Our weddings are big, our pockets are not. And we've never thought twice about it. 

I found a venue that allows for outside alcohol and my fiance's family is footing the bill for the bottles of booze. That is how we compromised. But the point I've been making the whole time is that just because etiquette books written when our grandmothers were tying the knot say absolutely no charging guests for anything, doesn't mean that it doesn't happen or that people take offense at it. It's a brave new world and as you said, people need to decide what their priorities are. Some people may decide that their priority is to have their entire family there, even if the increased guest size squeezes out the alcohol budget. 

Of course it happens.  Plenty of people are just fine with being rude.  We live in a world with a lot of selfish people.  The fact that it happens doesn't make it right.  People murder each other every day.  It's still wrong.  

Calling etiquette something for our grandmothers is ridiculous.  You personally may not feel the need to be polite, but most of our generation does not.  You don't have to be older to know that inviting people to a party and charging them is wrong.  You can pretend if you like, but most people are offended by cash bars and other rude hosts.  Treating loved ones with some common manners will never be outdated.  

These are friends and family, not a bunch of strangers.  You should care enough about them that you want to treat them right.  

QueerFemme

SBmini said:

kerbohl said:

@SBmini What I got out of your post was $50/person being completely insane.  I spend that on myself for alcohol in a year - and that is not an exaggeration, that is an average!  I know I'm not much of a drinker which contributes to $50 being a year's supply of alcohol, but even then, goodness those venues are gouging!  I'd just go dry wedding at that point. 

I personally am a fan of the limited bar options.  Due to my venue (not costs) I am having a dry wedding, but if I had a choice, I would have had wine, alcoholic cider, and coffee liquors.  I think having three or four options is plenty for guests to enjoy, and at a much smaller cost.  

You are fortunate not to live in California. 

I wish you'd stop using the California excuse.  I live in California.  I have been to weddings all over northern and southern California.  Living in California isn't an excuse to be an asshole.

niki&rob

drink tickets are for the bartenders so that they know whos drinks we are paying for, pretty common in Canada. Don't knock it.  glad i don't live south of the border where you would rather go dry. Dry weddings are boring and Canadians would never go that route. Unless of course you had different religious beliefs. I really do not think charging your guests for their liqour is rude either, i really think that it is a major bonus if booze is free, and i would much rather spend money on food that your guests will talk about for years, the awesome DJ you had, The beautiful venue and all the little details the bride spent so much time on.  I know these are the things i remember from weddings i have been to.

Liatris2010 said:

niki&rob said:

Where i am from it is pretty typical for guests to pay for their own alcohol, whether it be $2.00 or full price @ $6.00 - $7.00.  My venue offers a whole dollar off for a host bar,  which works out to be $5.50 a drink.  Thats too expensive considering the party animals we have coming lol.  I am putting out bottles of wine one the tables and i am going to ask for a signiture drink that we would pay for, i am also going to give drink tickets to my bridal party and randomly hand them out to friends and family.

Your plan sounded lovely until the bolded. No drink tickets, and especially no buying some guests drinks and not others.

Kschaefer90 Obviously you missed the whole point of the analogy, so let me explain it more simply. You cannot, as a host, consume something in front of your guests without also making it available to them. Yes you are hosting kegs. That is fine. But it would be rude of you to sip your Grey Goose martini while your guests are drinking Natty Light. No one suggested you spend more than you can afford. Rather, host what you can afford, and don't offer your guests the option to buy something else.

manateehugger

niki&rob said:

drink tickets are for the bartenders so that they know whos drinks we are paying for, pretty common in Canada. Don't knock it.  glad i don't live south of the border where you would rather go dry. Dry weddings are boring and Canadians would never go that route. Unless of course you had different religious beliefs. I really do not think charging your guests for their liqour is rude either, i really think that it is a major bonus if booze is free, and i would much rather spend money on food that your guests will talk about for years, the awesome DJ you had, The beautiful venue and all the little details the bride spent so much time on.  I know these are the things i remember from weddings i have been to.

Liatris2010 said:

niki&rob said:

Where i am from it is pretty typical for guests to pay for their own alcohol, whether it be $2.00 or full price @ $6.00 - $7.00.  My venue offers a whole dollar off for a host bar,  which works out to be $5.50 a drink.  Thats too expensive considering the party animals we have coming lol.  I am putting out bottles of wine one the tables and i am going to ask for a signiture drink that we would pay for, i am also going to give drink tickets to my bridal party and randomly hand them out to friends and family.

Your plan sounded lovely until the bolded. No drink tickets, and especially no buying some guests drinks and not others.

Kschaefer90 Obviously you missed the whole point of the analogy, so let me explain it more simply. You cannot, as a host, consume something in front of your guests without also making it available to them. Yes you are hosting kegs. That is fine. But it would be rude of you to sip your Grey Goose martini while your guests are drinking Natty Light. No one suggested you spend more than you can afford. Rather, host what you can afford, and don't offer your guests the option to buy something else.

Drink tickets shouldn't let the bartender know whose drinks you're paying for because you should pay for everyone's drinks. 

My sister had a dry wedding. Funny, I don't think anyone thought it was boring. 

Would you charge your guests for their forks? Every song request they made to the dj? For an additional serving?

Peledreamsofrain

Post removed due to GBCK

niki&rob

PDKH said:

niki&rob said:

drink tickets are for the bartenders so that they know whos drinks we are paying for, pretty common in Canada. Don't knock it.  glad i don't live south of the border where you would rather go dry. Dry weddings are boring and Canadians would never go that route. Unless of course you had different religious beliefs. I really do not think charging your guests for their liqour is rude either, i really think that it is a major bonus if booze is free, and i would much rather spend money on food that your guests will talk about for years, the awesome DJ you had, The beautiful venue and all the little details the bride spent so much time on.  I know these are the things i remember from weddings i have been to.

Liatris2010 said:

niki&rob said:

Where i am from it is pretty typical for guests to pay for their own alcohol, whether it be $2.00 or full price @ $6.00 - $7.00.  My venue offers a whole dollar off for a host bar,  which works out to be $5.50 a drink.  Thats too expensive considering the party animals we have coming lol.  I am putting out bottles of wine one the tables and i am going to ask for a signiture drink that we would pay for, i am also going to give drink tickets to my bridal party and randomly hand them out to friends and family.

Your plan sounded lovely until the bolded. No drink tickets, and especially no buying some guests drinks and not others.

Kschaefer90 Obviously you missed the whole point of the analogy, so let me explain it more simply. You cannot, as a host, consume something in front of your guests without also making it available to them. Yes you are hosting kegs. That is fine. But it would be rude of you to sip your Grey Goose martini while your guests are drinking Natty Light. No one suggested you spend more than you can afford. Rather, host what you can afford, and don't offer your guests the option to buy something else.

Drink tickets shouldn't let the bartender know whose drinks you're paying for because you should pay for everyone's drinks. 

My sister had a dry wedding. Funny, I don't think anyone thought it was boring. 

Would you charge your guests for their forks? Every song request they made to the dj? For an additional serving?

Give it up!  Obviously not everyone can afford an open bar, i would love to, unfortunatley where my Fi is from, nobody has open bar an he is not willing to pay for it.  I have been to several weddings where i have to purchase drinks beyond the table wine,

QueerFemme

Liatris2010 said:

@Peledreamsofrain said:

I am constantly amazed that alcohol is the first place brides get all cheapskate when it comes to the wedding. The ONE thing almost guarenteed to make guests happy, and impress them about your wedding, and you want to go all Mcdonalds on them?? Holy jeebus. I cut MY OWN LIMO so I could properly host people. Nobody fondly remembers the bride having a limo. They do remember if they didn't get to drink because they didn't bring cash, or if there wasn't enough good food. Treat your guests right, and you'll hear "Yours is the best wedding I've been to" for years.

I liked your story so much, I put it in my sig. We didn't get a limo either. H and I left our reception in my MOH's Honda Civic. Wouldn't change a damned thing.

We left our reception in a rented Uhaul truck. We had a DIY venue so we had to load everything at the end of the reception.  But, we got a venue we could afford where we could properly host our guests. So, we didn't look sexy in our grand getaway.  I was mopping the floor of our venue in my wedding gown when the park ranger showed up.

Peledreamsofrain

Post removed due to GBCK

Angelface225

Pele had the largest wedding dress that I've ever seen, I would hardly call her wedding ghetto.

JoanE2012

niki&rob said:

drink tickets are for the bartenders so that they know whos drinks we are paying for, pretty common in Canada. Don't knock it.  glad i don't live south of the border where you would rather go dry. Dry weddings are boring and Canadians would never go that route. Unless of course you had different religious beliefs. I really do not think charging your guests for their liqour is rude either, i really think that it is a major bonus if booze is free, and i would much rather spend money on food that your guests will talk about for years, the awesome DJ you had, The beautiful venue and all the little details the bride spent so much time on.  I know these are the things i remember from weddings i have been to.

So you're only going to pay for some people's drinks?  How do you think that's going to make all you other guests feel?  Or do you not care much about those family and friends?  Real nice.

Sierra524

niki&rob said:

I am not having my wedding at a hall and having mcdonalds cater, having mine at a classy joint, i would never have my wedding look "ghetto" just so i could afford to provide alcohol

That was really uncalled for. You have no idea what her venue looked like or anything, so for you to say it was "ghetto" is just rude. If you're going to use that word, atleast use it in the right way.

I hope you have a wonderful time at your Klassy wedding, at a Klassy joint, giving out those Klassy drink tickets.

Angelface225

She was all like:

QueerFemme

niki&rob said:

Peledreamsofrain said:

I am constantly amazed that alcohol is the first place brides get all cheapskate when it comes to the wedding. The ONE thing almost guarenteed to make guests happy, and impress them about your wedding, and you want to go all Mcdonalds on them?? Holy jeebus. I cut MY OWN LIMO so I could properly host people. Nobody fondly remembers the bride having a limo. They do remember if they didn't get to drink because they didn't bring cash, or if there wasn't enough good food. Treat your guests right, and you'll hear "Yours is the best wedding I've been to" for years.

I am not having my wedding at a hall and having mcdonalds cater, having mine at a classy joint, i would never have my wedding look "ghetto" just so i could afford to provide alcohol

So, you are having your wedding at a classy joint, but you are asking your guests to subsidize the cost.  Well.. that's classy.

Angelface225

 

AddieCake

I got married at a waterfall and had salmon at my reception.Tell me my wedding was ghetto. I would love to hear that. I did not ask my guests to pay for a damned thing, either. I served LIMITED alcohol so I could afford to provide the alcohol that WAS available. Why can't you get that you don't have to have a ghetto wedding to hosts your guests PROPERLY?

Peledreamsofrain

AddieL73 said:

I got married at a waterfall and had salmon at my reception.Tell me my wedding was ghetto. I would love to hear that. I did not ask my guests to pay for a damned thing, either. I served LIMITED alcohol so I could afford to provide the alcohol that WAS available. Why can't you get that you don't have to have a ghetto wedding to hosts your guests PROPERLY?

MuppetFan

niki&rob said:

Peledreamsofrain said:

I am constantly amazed that alcohol is the first place brides get all cheapskate when it comes to the wedding. The ONE thing almost guarenteed to make guests happy, and impress them about your wedding, and you want to go all Mcdonalds on them?? Holy jeebus. I cut MY OWN LIMO so I could properly host people. Nobody fondly remembers the bride having a limo. They do remember if they didn't get to drink because they didn't bring cash, or if there wasn't enough good food. Treat your guests right, and you'll hear "Yours is the best wedding I've been to" for years.

I am not having my wedding at a hall and having mcdonalds cater, having mine at a classy joint, i would never have my wedding look "ghetto" just so i could afford to provide alcohol

Wow, you are super klassy.  Pele's wedding was actually fucking amazing and gorgeous.

AJuliaNJ

niki&rob said:

Peledreamsofrain said:

I am constantly amazed that alcohol is the first place brides get all cheapskate when it comes to the wedding. The ONE thing almost guarenteed to make guests happy, and impress them about your wedding, and you want to go all Mcdonalds on them?? Holy jeebus. I cut MY OWN LIMO so I could properly host people. Nobody fondly remembers the bride having a limo. They do remember if they didn't get to drink because they didn't bring cash, or if there wasn't enough good food. Treat your guests right, and you'll hear "Yours is the best wedding I've been to" for years.

I am not having my wedding at a hall and having mcdonalds cater, having mine at a classy joint, i would never have my wedding look "ghetto" just so i could afford to provide alcohol

It's ghetto not to have a limo? I'm not having a limo and my wedding is just about as far from ghetto as you're going to get. I think it would look ghetto to ask guests for money for alcohol. 

niki&rob

I am actually not having a limo. I am serving wine and a signiture cocktail at my wedding, i will have a cash bar beyond that. The thing that pisses me off the most, is that most of you women are running down other women for not being able to afford to have an open bar, it is the norm this day and age. Guess what, my family and friends are accustom to the cash bar. Do not call me rude or any other bride who can not afford it, it is NOT your wedding. Do as you please and keep your antique etiquette to yourselves. Oh and for those who would like to tell me that i joined this site to get opinions...... keep that part to your self, your just trying to be mean.

manateehugger

niki&rob said:

I am actually not having a limo. I am serving wine and a signiture cocktail at my wedding, i will have a cash bar beyond that. The thing that pisses me off the most, is that most of you women are running down other women for not being able to afford to have an open bar, it is the norm this day and age. Guess what, my family and friends are accustom to the cash bar. Do not call me rude or any other bride who can not afford it, it is NOT your wedding. Do as you please and keep your antique etiquette to yourselves. Oh and for those who would like to tell me that i joined this site to get opinions...... keep that part to your self, your just trying to be mean.

Dry weddings aren't rude. 

Peledreamsofrain

Post removed due to GBCK

PrettyGirlLost

AddieL73 said:

I got married at a waterfall and had salmon at my reception.Tell me my wedding was ghetto. I would love to hear that. I did not ask my guests to pay for a damned thing, either. I served LIMITED alcohol so I could afford to provide the alcohol that WAS available. Why can't you get that you don't have to have a ghetto wedding to hosts your guests PROPERLY?

Not only was the waterfall ghetto, but having uneven sides and curly hair just pushed the whole event right over the edge!

MuppetFan

niki&rob said:

I am actually not having a limo. I am serving wine and a signiture cocktail at my wedding, i will have a cash bar beyond that. The thing that pisses me off the most, is that most of you women are running down other women for not being able to afford to have an open bar, it is the norm this day and age. Guess what, my family and friends are accustom to the cash bar. Do not call me rude or any other bride who can not afford it, it is NOT your wedding. Do as you please and keep your antique etiquette to yourselves. Oh and for those who would like to tell me that i joined this site to get opinions...... keep that part to your self, your just trying to be mean.

No one has ever called you rude for not having an open bar. If you read carefully, you'd see all the suggestions around that to make alcohol affordable without charging guests. You're offering the cocktail and wine...just leave it at that. That alone is generous.

My family is accustomed to cash bars too and I am not offended by them, but that doesn't make it less rude for me to call upon my guests to open their wallets at my wedding.

What I will call you rude for is how you've handled yourself on the thread. Your comments to Pele are just rotten and reflect very poorly upon you.

KittenTrumper

niki&rob said:

Peledreamsofrain said:

I am constantly amazed that alcohol is the first place brides get all cheapskate when it comes to the wedding. The ONE thing almost guarenteed to make guests happy, and impress them about your wedding, and you want to go all Mcdonalds on them?? Holy jeebus. I cut MY OWN LIMO so I could properly host people. Nobody fondly remembers the bride having a limo. They do remember if they didn't get to drink because they didn't bring cash, or if there wasn't enough good food. Treat your guests right, and you'll hear "Yours is the best wedding I've been to" for years.

I am not having my wedding at a hall and having mcdonalds cater, having mine at a classy joint, i would never have my wedding look "ghetto" just so i could afford to provide alcohol