Completely disinterested Bridesmaid?

meganbradford

I recently got engaged and asked one of my friends to be in the bridal party. When I told her I got engaged she was just kind of like "oh" and acted like she completely didn't know how to respond. She also made some comment about not being an independant woman. It wasn't negative, but it wasn't supportive either. I thought she may have just been busy and caught off guard, because I always said that I didn't want to get married. But hey when you find the right guy everything changes! Anyway it's been a few months and I've waited to see if she would become any more interested and/or supportive, but I've received absolutely nothing from her. I've texted her a few times but she's never called back, and she tries to act enthusiastic the couple times I've texted her, but I can't tell if its forced. We have a small wedding party and she is one of three invited bridesmaids. The other two are wonderful and are always texting me pictures and ideas for their dresses and are super fun. I'm sure someone else has run into this problem... any suggestions? I've read on other boards that it is bad etiquette to uninvite someone, but I haven't gotten any sort of positive reaction from her at all so I don't know what to do. I consider myself pretty laid back and not a bridezilla at all. I don't expect my bridesmaids to be at my beck and call or help with planning. They're even getting to pick out their own little black dresses to show off their amazing style and personalities instead of spending lots of money on a bridesmaid dress they will only wear once. I don't want her to fawn over me, but if she keeps being so apathetic should I consider asking her to come as a guest? Any advice would be greatly appreciated!

Teddy917

No. As you said it's rude to uninvite her. Nobody will be as excited about your wedding as you are.

allispain

Some people just aren't enthusiastic wedding people. Her job as BM is to show up to your wedding, wearing whatever dress she picked as her LBD, and stand up with you. That's it.

Out of my 4 BMs, three regularly talk wedding with me. The fourth does not. At this point (less than 3 weeks away) I'm preferring her over the one that constantly texts me with ideas of things I could add to my decor, menu, etc. :-)

AddieCake

Nobody will ever be as interested in your wedding as you are. You've got a couple women who are into it, and this one is not. It's no big deal. If you take her out of the wedding party just b/c she is not showing interest in your wedding, you are risking ending your friendship forever. Is that what you want?

ETA: Megan, you should make a new account that does not use your full name as your screen name. There are crazies on the internet!

MairePoppy

This question comes up every day on TK. 

There are three acceptable reasons to kick someone out of your wedding party: 1. She tries to prevent your marriage from taking place,  2. She tries to seduce your Fi, 3. She harms or threatens you or your loved ones, including your pets (yes, there was an incident noted on TK about a bm who harmed the bride's cat.) 

I don't think your friend fits into any of those categories. It sounds as if she isn't really a wedding person. Not all girls gush over these kinds of details. The only thing she needs to do is get her dress and show up on time and sober for your ceremony.

meganbradford

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meganbradford

I REALLY don't think I'm being a bridezilla on this one. I guess maybe it's not that she's just unenthusiastic, I don't really expect her to be super excited or anything, but she's so apathetic to the point where I don't even know if she's supportive of the marriage at all. And her "texts" are usually like one or two words, which is why I can't tell how she meant them to come across. About six months ago she moved to a different town and since then she's completely dropped all communication with me. I hoped that asking her to be a bridesmaid would open that communication back up and get us back in each other's lives a little more, but she's acting like she doesn't even know me, can't care less about me, or like we're not even friends at this point. Don't call people a bridezilla until you know all the details, it's insulting.

MairePoppy

How would you feel if you kicked her out and she never spoke to you again? 

cbrown828

meganbradford said:

I REALLY don't think I'm being a bridezilla on this one. I guess maybe it's not that she's just unenthusiastic, I don't really expect her to be super excited or anything, but she's so apathetic to the point where I don't even know if she's supportive of the marriage at all. And her "texts" are usually like one or two words, which is why I can't tell how she meant them to come across. About six months ago she moved to a different town and since then she's completely dropped all communication with me. I hoped that asking her to be a bridesmaid would open that communication back up and get us back in each other's lives a little more, but she's acting like she doesn't even know me, can't care less about me, or like we're not even friends at this point. Don't call people a bridezilla until you know all the details, it's insulting.

As someone who has done this several times, let me ask this- have you considered that maybe your friend has her own stuff going on? Maybe the move was stressful and she's still adjusting to her new town and whatever else comes along with that. Have you talked to her about anything except your wedding? PP's are right, no one is ever going to care about your wedding as much as you will. If you really value this friendship and want to build it back up, focus on your friend and not just the role you want her to play in your wedding.

P.S. No one here insulted you. If you had lurked a little, you'd see that in the past month there have been at least a dozen "My BM isn't as excited as I want her to be, can I kick her out?" posts, and all of those brides got similar advice. Blunt and honest are not the same as insulting. Would you rather get a reality check from some internet strangers or risk a major falling out with someone you care about very much?

meganbradford

The first few posts were "honest reality checks from internet strangers". Being called a bridezilla is not. If all people want to do on this website is tear other people down rather than helping them, then this community hasn't accomplished its purpose. If you had read my situation you would realize that I CONSIDERED asking her to step down, but that I didn't want to do that because it was rude. So why is everyone assuming that I just want to get rid of her instead of solving the problem? I am just at an honest loss of what to do. I do care about her, which is why I wanted to go to an understanding community for advice. But I'm sorry, the term bridezilla is thrown around way too much and that wasn't the angle I was going for at all. I'm not even planning my wedding, and don't care about the details, I just wanted my friend back and was wanting some support from people who had been through this before which I thought was what this community aimed to provide. I guess I was mistaken. I'm going to consider this thread closed and solve my problems on my own. To the ones who responded gracefully, I thank you very much for your help in making me realize that this isn't about her being a bridesmaid, it is about the fact that I'm afraid she's not my friend anymore. To the ones who were insulting, please don't take advantage of the anonymity of the internet to say whatever you want without considering others. I'm not going to be checking this thread anymore. Thank you all for your time.

cbrown828

You didn't ask us for advice about getting your friend back. 

meganbradford said:

I recently got engaged and asked one of my friends to be in the bridal party. When I told her I got engaged she was just kind of like "oh" and acted like she completely didn't know how to respond. She also made some comment about not being an independant woman. It wasn't negative, but it wasn't supportive either. I thought she may have just been busy and caught off guard, because I always said that I didn't want to get married. But hey when you find the right guy everything changes! Anyway it's been a few months and I've waited to see if she would become any more interested and/or supportive, but I've received absolutely nothing from her. I've texted her a few times but she's never called back, and she tries to act enthusiastic the couple times I've texted her, but I can't tell if its forced. We have a small wedding party and she is one of three invited bridesmaids. The other two are wonderful and are always texting me pictures and ideas for their dresses and are super fun. I'm sure someone else has run into this problem... any suggestions? I've read on other boards that it is bad etiquette to uninvite someone, but I haven't gotten any sort of positive reaction from her at all so I don't know what to do. I consider myself pretty laid back and not a bridezilla at all. I don't expect my bridesmaids to be at my beck and call or help with planning. They're even getting to pick out their own little black dresses to show off their amazing style and personalities instead of spending lots of money on a bridesmaid dress they will only wear once. I don't want her to fawn over me, but if she keeps being so apathetic should I consider asking her to come as a guest? Any advice would be greatly appreciated!

You asked if you should kick her out of your wedding party for not being excited enough. That's bridezilla-ish behavior, in my humble little opinion. I gave you advice on how to reconnect with her friend, and you'd do well to take it. I was a MOH in a similar situation last summer. The bride freaked on me because I wasn't excited enough about her wedding.  I almost removed myself but I chose to stay and smile through the day. We have spoken twice since her wedding. Keep going the way you are and I can just about guarantee you'll lose this friendship for good. 

zitiqueen

You're complaining that your wedding isn't the center of your friend's universe and you're considering kicking her out of your wedding party; how is that anything but bridezilla-ish behavior?

erinlin25

sorry but if you kick her out because she is not being "supportive" enough for you then yes, that is bridezilla behavior.  All she needs to do is buy the little black dress and show up on the wedding day.  The other stuff is "extra" and while it is nice, it is not required.  Have an honest conversation with your friend.  Talk non wedding, see whats new in her life.  How is her new job?  How does she like her new home? 

You can let her know non-chalant that if she does not want to be a bridesmaid there would be no hard feelings, but that needs to be her decision, not yours.  Don't bring it up unless she does.  Some girls just are not over the top super excited about weddings.  If she did not want to be a bridesmaid she would have said no.  No one here is trying to be mean to you, but they are being honest that kicking her out would be a friendship-ending/bridezilla move.

Gypsy79

meganbradford said:

I REALLY don't think I'm being a bridezilla on this one. I guess maybe it's not that she's just unenthusiastic, I don't really expect her to be super excited or anything, but she's so apathetic to the point where I don't even know if she's supportive of the marriage at all. And her "texts" are usually like one or two words, which is why I can't tell how she meant them to come across. About six months ago she moved to a different town and since then she's completely dropped all communication with me. I hoped that asking her to be a bridesmaid would open that communication back up and get us back in each other's lives a little more, but she's acting like she doesn't even know me, can't care less about me, or like we're not even friends at this point. Don't call people a bridezilla until you know all the details, it's insulting.

You could try talking to her...on the phone, or you know, in person?

theretamaragoes

I would go for coffee with her, and ask her in a really warm, considerate way, "Is everything okay? I've been feeling like you are a bit disinterested in the wedding, and I just wanted to make sure that there isn't something that I've done to offend you? Or if there's anything that you want to talk to me about?"

Maybe there is something going on in her life that is preventing her from being able to be overly happy or supportive. Maybe there's something heavy on her mind that she doesn't know how to talk to you about... Maybe there are some resentments or concerns that she is having? Or maybe she just really DOESN'T give a hoot about your wedding, and really has no interest in being a bridesmaid! ha! Orrr maybe she IS happy for you, and DOES want to be part of your day... but just isn't as thrilled as the others (which is valid and totally okay! Everyone is entitled to different levels of enthusiasm, after all)

Whatever it is-- approaching her in a loving, compassionate way should give her a chance to open up a little bit and get you two talking. It's certainly rude to UNINVITE her... but it's not rude at all to give her an opportunity to open up and chat about how she's feeling