This is new to me

Charmc09

Hi. I am very new here, tho I have lurked. I have not decided what I am going to do alcohol wise yet so this is just something I have noticed. Everyone here pretty much agrees a cash bar is the worst thing you can do, but I am also guessing most of you do not live in an area that prides itself on how much it can drink. Here, where I am from, cash bars are the norm. Sometimes a couple will do an open bar (but its rare) . Usually its a cash bar where wine served as well (with dinner and dessert-say 2 glasses of wine most likely or three). Say if you don't want wine or water you are free to pay 4 dollars for that beer or rum and coke at the bar. No one thinks any less of the couple for it and no one considers it rude. Its just what people do here. I am assuming its normal here cause you have say 100 guests (mine is less but im not a heavily social person) . Each of those 100 people can down 10-20 drinks that night and probably will if not more. So for each guest you are gonna be looking at 60 on average for alcohol-if you're lucky. Thats 6000 dollars for alcohol on the average side. If you family is on the other side of that average its 8000. And this is for 100 people, I've seen weddings where theres 300 people! $24000! plus tax and tip, servers wages, broken things , etc. Thats a car or a house downpayment.

I would say its a cultural thing and this board is predominantly north american and I guess you guys do not drink like us or maybe your alcohol is cheaper or maybe nearly 30k in alcohol for the wedding alone is normal there?

Now I know some will say well just offer what you can afford and nothing else. Lol. Yes. At a wedding here if you only allowed your guests to have two drinks and didnt give them the option of buying more..at a wedding..where they came fully expecting to spend the night not knowing their own names anymore..there would be riots. They would hark on you for decades. Im not even joking about the decades part. My parents will hark on about some guy who died who angered someone before they were even born to know about it.

I am not writing this to make fun of my cultures drinking, we aren't alcoholics, we just do drink more and can handle that drink quite well, and thus our customs and cultural practices when it comes to weddings and alcohol are quite different.

daria24

Dude my In-laws are Irish, trust me they can drink and hold their liquor. Coming from a drinking culture has nothing to do with it, and an open bar costs about $25pp where I got married, and upwards of $50pp in NYC where I live-not cheap.

I do however come from a culture where we treat our guests properly and know how to host, which means we don't expect anyone to open their wallets at our hosted events. And even though my circle drinks quite a bit, they also know how to be courteous guests and accept a dry event, should the host not provide alcohol.

Charmc09

25 dollars would get you 4-5 drinks here. Thats barely drinking at all let alone heavy drinking. If it was a flat rate of 25 per person thats a different story but flat rate does not and has never existed here. Lets get some things straight here.

Your culture is not mine. Unless you are from Ireland or Northern Ireland you are not Irish, you are irish-american. Maybe your inlaws are from those two countries, I don't know. But if not thats ethnicity and is not the same as culture. And the Irish do not drink as much as people think.

In my culture , the words 'open bar' do not exist in the minds of most people as its not a concept that we have. Its never been a part of our culture to have open bars. We didnt wake up one day and decide to be 'rude', its a custom we've had since we've existed in this world. I've never even seen the words 'open bar' until I logged onto this site. Neither is a 'dry event' part of our culture and people will expect alcohol and be disapointed and actually weirded out if there isnt any. I havent even found a venue that would offer an open bar because its not apart of our culture.

I come from a culture where I respect other cultures differences and customs.

[Deleted User]

Bars around here are frequently between $10 - 20,000.  People still do the open bar.  If they can't, they do limited options to keep the costs down.  No cash bars.  These are bad excuses to make your guests open their wallets at your reception.  

MobKaz

I'm not quite sure what you are looking for by making this post.

If this is merely a post acknowledging that you plan on having a cash bar because it is "the norm" in your area, then your post seems unnecessary.  It does not seem as if you are conflicted or indecisive about your choice. 

You say they attend a wedding where their drinking will cause them to "not know their own names by the end of the night", but then add that "you all drink more and can handle the drinking quite well." That does not sound like "handling your liquor" to me.  

Charmc09

I made this post to demonstrate that not all cultures have the same etiquette. Having an open bar here is not even an option given by venues as 'open bars' do not exist here as they are not a part of our culture and thus not a part of our etiquette. I was trying to give a different cultural insight and listed some reasons why our custom may have evolved differently than north american wedding culture, it wasn't excuses as to why I'm not having an open bar as that isnt even an option here as such a thing does not exist. As to the 'mobkaz' , I use flavourful language, obviously people are going to remeber their names...but the saying means people expect to have a party atmosphere which in my culture involves drinking. By not handling your liquor I mean causing a raucous or vomitting.

Charmc09

to 'stagemanager'. I'm not from a town or city. So are you refering to me and my culture as yours? cause Im not even from a place where its anything resembling a town.

NYCMercedes

Where is your culture?

Charmc09

I am a Newfoundland Bayman of Northern European ethnicity. lol and so is pretty much everyone going to ours.

Charmc09

This thread has turned into not what I was trying to do. I was trying to share that not all cultures have the same etiquette regarding one thing I saw posted about a lot here. Theres several other different customs and etiquette we have too but I choose probably the most hotly debated one to share my culture with lol I know with my small cultural group to offer free alcohol would result in some feeling insulted that you felt that couldn't pay for themselves or some would feel obligated to make up for whatever they drank in a gift and gifts aren't normally given unless you are family or close friends to the bride/groom. In my group we all have cash bars so we all end up equal in the end and no one feels slighted

AddieCake

Charmc09 said:

Hi. I am very new here, tho I have lurked. I have not decided what I am going to do alcohol wise yet so this is just something I have noticed. Everyone here pretty much agrees a cash bar is the worst thing you can do, but I am also guessing most of you do not live in an area that prides itself on how much it can drink. Here, where I am from, cash bars are the norm. Sometimes a couple will do an open bar (but its rare) . Usually its a cash bar where wine served as well (with dinner and dessert-say 2 glasses of wine most likely or three). Say if you don't want wine or water you are free to pay 4 dollars for that beer or rum and coke at the bar. No one thinks any less of the couple for it and no one considers it rude. Its just what people do here. I am assuming its normal here cause you have say 100 guests (mine is less but im not a heavily social person) . Each of those 100 people can down 10-20 drinks that night and probably will if not more. So for each guest you are gonna be looking at 60 on average for alcohol-if you're lucky. Thats 6000 dollars for alcohol on the average side. If you family is on the other side of that average its 8000. And this is for 100 people, I've seen weddings where theres 300 people! $24000! plus tax and tip, servers wages, broken things , etc. Thats a car or a house downpayment.

I would say its a cultural thing and this board is predominantly north american and I guess you guys do not drink like us or maybe your alcohol is cheaper or maybe nearly 30k in alcohol for the wedding alone is normal there?

Now I know some will say well just offer what you can afford and nothing else. Lol. Yes. At a wedding here if you only allowed your guests to have two drinks and didnt give them the option of buying more..at a wedding..where they came fully expecting to spend the night not knowing their own names anymore..there would be riots. They would hark on you for decades. Im not even joking about the decades part. My parents will hark on about some guy who died who angered someone before they were even born to know about it.

I am not writing this to make fun of my cultures drinking, we aren't alcoholics, we just do drink more and can handle that drink quite well, and thus our customs and cultural practices when it comes to weddings and alcohol are quite different.

I think most people here agree that if something is different in another COUNTRY, then that is out of our knowledge-base and we don't really comment on it if we don't know a foreign country's etiquette and customs. When you see us here telling people host what you can afford, cash bars are rude, etc, we are talking to someone in the U.S. 

Charmc09

to 'stagemanager'. The issue of Newfoundland and Canada is a touchy political one. We are Canadian but we are not Canadian culturally, linguistically, or historically at least not in my opinion or experience. My family is from the UK and other euro areas and fiances family culture is relatively the same. I didn't want to have to explain every detail of my ethnicity, ancestry, and homelands history lol.

lyndausvi

AddieL73 said:

Charmc09 said:

Hi. I am very new here, tho I have lurked. I have not decided what I am going to do alcohol wise yet so this is just something I have noticed. Everyone here pretty much agrees a cash bar is the worst thing you can do, but I am also guessing most of you do not live in an area that prides itself on how much it can drink. Here, where I am from, cash bars are the norm. Sometimes a couple will do an open bar (but its rare) . Usually its a cash bar where wine served as well (with dinner and dessert-say 2 glasses of wine most likely or three). Say if you don't want wine or water you are free to pay 4 dollars for that beer or rum and coke at the bar. No one thinks any less of the couple for it and no one considers it rude. Its just what people do here. I am assuming its normal here cause you have say 100 guests (mine is less but im not a heavily social person) . Each of those 100 people can down 10-20 drinks that night and probably will if not more. So for each guest you are gonna be looking at 60 on average for alcohol-if you're lucky. Thats 6000 dollars for alcohol on the average side. If you family is on the other side of that average its 8000. And this is for 100 people, I've seen weddings where theres 300 people! $24000! plus tax and tip, servers wages, broken things , etc. Thats a car or a house downpayment.

I would say its a cultural thing and this board is predominantly north american and I guess you guys do not drink like us or maybe your alcohol is cheaper or maybe nearly 30k in alcohol for the wedding alone is normal there?

Now I know some will say well just offer what you can afford and nothing else. Lol. Yes. At a wedding here if you only allowed your guests to have two drinks and didnt give them the option of buying more..at a wedding..where they came fully expecting to spend the night not knowing their own names anymore..there would be riots. They would hark on you for decades. Im not even joking about the decades part. My parents will hark on about some guy who died who angered someone before they were even born to know about it.

I am not writing this to make fun of my cultures drinking, we aren't alcoholics, we just do drink more and can handle that drink quite well, and thus our customs and cultural practices when it comes to weddings and alcohol are quite different.

I think most people here agree that if something is different in another COUNTRY, then that is out of our knowledge-base and we don't really comment on it if we don't know a foreign country's etiquette and customs. When you see us here telling people host what you can afford, cash bars are rude, etc, we are talking to someone in the U.S. 

exactly.

For example, having a courthouse wedding then another "wedding" later on is not like around here.   However, in a lot of European countries if you want a religious ceremony you do not have a choice but to have 2 ceremonies since the courthouse one is the only recognized by the state.  We might find it in bad taste for someone from the US having 2 ceremonies we understand that is needed in other countries.

In our case, our guests are heavy drinkers. Having a bar is pretty much non-negotiable.  I've never attended a cash bar.  It's not what my social group does.  (for the record, I have lived all over the states, so it's not based on one location).    We specifically found a location we can bring in our own alcohol to cut down the costs of hosting a bar.

Had I grown up in a social group or in your case a culture that had always has cash bars I wouldn't think twice about it.   

 When you get on a forum that is mostly from one culture (in this case the US) I think you need to realize that some of the advice might not apply to you or your situation.  Doesn't mean we are wrong for stating our opinions for our own culture.

Charmc09

Yes I have realized this may not be the right site forum wise for me as not just this, but a lot of things don't apply to me. On the plus side I have found a british site that does. Obviously the suppliers listed are useless to me but so are any on here and another NA site.This site has good tools but forumwise I can chat about traditions and customs somewhere its the same and then there isnt confusion Everyone should enjoy their cultures and traditions!

lyndausvi

Stick around.    I like to hear about other traditions and customs.    

 We use to have our locations under our usernames so we knew where everyone was.  It did help out in giving people advice more in line with their own cultures.    I'm more apt to call out someone from Delaware having a cash bar before someone in Ireland.  I'm from DE and know cash bars are not the norm, I have no idea about Ireland so I'm not going to pretend I do.

Charmc09

I'll be around, I just know now to be aware that NA weddings are very diff than I'm used to so I'll tiptoe around that

imimbles

Oh come on, I'm from Nova Scotia and it's not like Newfoundland is *that* different. I agree that cash bars are unfortunately common in NS at least - and they are still rude.

Charmc09

Nova Scotia may not be *that* different but that doesn't mean its the same either, and really I beg to differ on it not being *that* different. That really depends on which area of NL and NS you're comparing. I have never seen an open bar here, no one talks of open bars and venues rarely if ever offer them from what I have seen. Also Newfoundland has several pockets of cultures not just one encompassing culture. I'm not speaking for all of Newfoundland, thats over 500,000 people. I'm speaking for my culture, not Newfoundland as a whole, not Nova Scotia, not Canada, not the UK, not ireland, not northern europe, but my own culture.

imimbles

I get what you're saying, and I still have to disagree.

Even if cash bars are the total norm, nobody questions them, it is 100% default - I still think it's rude. I suppose it's a moot point if venues don't even offer the option, but I will still think to my dying day that guests having to purchase drinks at your wedding is not okay.

Personal quirk I suppose.

KDM323

Just because something is the "cultural norm" in one area, it doesn't mean that it is proper or even polite in regards to etiquette. The "dollar dance" is a cultural norm in the small town I grew up in. Every wedding I had ever been to in that region included the "dollar dance". That doesn't make it right or proper. In much the same sense, using ethnic slurs and being prejudiced is ALSO the "norm" in that area...and it doesn't make that right or proper either.

Charmc09

To each their own. I'm not going to judge other cultures and would expect people to respect mine. But anyways I'm done argueing. Everyones got their own opinion and their right to it. But I'm gettin right tired of people telling me what my culture is or isn't because of what their culture is. Seems stupid to me.

KDM323

Charmc09 said:

To each their own. I'm not going to judge other cultures and would expect people to respect mine. But anyways I'm done argueing. Everyones got their own opinion and their right to it. But I'm gettin right tired of people telling me what my culture is or isn't because of what their culture is. Seems stupid to me.

There is a difference between what are "cultural norms" and what is considered proper etiquette. I think that is what you aren't understanding. I can't think of a single culture where it is proper to expect a guest to pay for their meals or drinks. It may be more acceptable in some cultures (and not get you a side eye/raised eyebrow) to host individuals and NOT pay for alcohol...but it isn't proper etiquette. Can you do it? Sure. You can DO anything you want. But it doesn't mean it is proper. I could easily do the "dollar dance" at my wedding. It is expected, it is a "cultural norm" for many of my guests. But I a, not doing it because it isn't the "right" thing, it isn't proper etiquette. I could also have a cash bar. Many of my friends and family would think nothing of it. But, we are hosting a full open bar for our guests. Because, again, it is the right thing to do. Is it expensive? Absolutely. I'm paying well over $100/person for my wedding. That is the choice we made when we decided to HAVE a wedding and it is important to US to treat our family and friends well. Could we do it cheaper by cutting corners? Absolutely. Could we "get away" with less than proper etiquette? Absolutely. But we aren't going that route because we want to be proper hosts, not just do what might be the "cultural norm".

rajahmd

I am so confused as to what the point of this post was.  Seriously? Regardless of what your culture is, etiquette doesn't change.  It's rude to make people pay for something at your wedding.  That's the default answer.  If it's so common in your circle that you won't get side-eyed for it, fine, do it.  But we're not going to tell anyone it's fine, because it's not.  Just because everyone does it in your culture doesn't mean it's not rude.

Charmc09

I didnt expect to have to go into grand detail about my ancestry. I dont poke my nose into others ancestry. I wasnt trying to make sweeping generalizations about anyones culture, if you read my first post you will see that generalizations are followed by a question mark....I dont know why irish keeps being brought up, im not irish, if youre irish , okay, but what does that have to do with being heavy drinkers? Not all irish are heavy drinkers. Cultures can be much smaller than a whole country or province or what have you. 'just because everyone does it in your culture doesn't mean its not rude'. Actually thats exactly what it means. If its a custom in a culture its only seem as rude by outsiders. Etiquette rules are a part of a culture.

MyNameIsNot

You've actually defeated yourself in your own post.  You acknowledge that some people in your circle do have open bars, even though it's not the norm.  If no one considered cash bars rude, you would have never heard of open bar.  Obviously some people in your circle do find it rude, even if they aren't saying anything.  You make sweeping assumptions about what everyone in your culture thinks.  You don't know what other people think.

It's 2013.  Isolated cultures are a thing of the past.  There are still regional differences, but etiquette is universal, at least western etiquette.  It's fine if you are ok with being rude to your guests, but stop trying to convince people that it's not rude because someone else did it.  

My teenage cousins fart in each others faces all the time.  They all do it.  It doesn't mean this is suddenly polite behavior.  It means that they are ok with being rude to each other.  

daria24

I feel like you posted "my culture finds cash bars acceptable"

Us: "What is your culture?"

OP: "ZOMG I don't have to give the details of my ancestry!"

YOU were the one who brought it up sugarplum. We're just trying to understand what you're talking about.

HisGirlFriday13

Charmc09 said:

to 'stagemanager'. The issue of Newfoundland and Canada is a touchy political one. We are Canadian but we are not Canadian culturally, linguistically, or historically at least not in my opinion or experience. My family is from the UK and other euro areas and fiances family culture is relatively the same. I didn't want to have to explain every detail of my ethnicity, ancestry, and homelands history lol.

You cannot very well get on a public message board and say, 'My culture doesn't do this,' and expect not to have to answer questions about that culture.

HuckSC

OP, from all my lurking around here I have concluded that the ladies really do like to learn about other culture's traditions and customs.

Your first post seemed like "my culture likes cash bars and they aren't rude, so you people need to recognize!!" The entire time I was reading your post all I could think about is "What culture/country is she talking about?'

We need some backstory if you want us to understand what you are talking about or any future readers of your post for that matter.

Anastasia517

I think part of the reason Canadians have more cash bars is because of how long the receptions tend to be (~8 hours vs. 4 hours).  Even so, it's rude.  I know a lot of people who think this, even though it is "normal".  It's similar in idea to stag & does: common, but tacky.

I say this as a person hosting a "typical" long reception where it is expected that people will average 8+ drinks.  We were only able to find a few venues with open bar packages versus consumption and it's why we went with the one we did.  Otherwise, we could have easily paid $75 on alcohol per person at a nice venue in the city where my family is.  (Taxes are 13% in Ontario, so that and a 15% gratuity add 29.95% to bills.)

Peledreamsofrain

No culture exists (where alcohol is allowed), where free booze isn't awesome.

Anastasia517

Peledreamsofrain said:

No culture exists (where alcohol is allowed), where free booze isn't awesome.

Of course!  Free stuff in always more awesome than stuff you have to buy.