Is this rude?

LAM524

We booked our ceremony/reception venue in Feb. As of right now, ceremony is between 6:30-7:00pm with cocktail hr/reception immediately following. My FI just introduced a possible change is plans. Thoughts: Church ceremony @ ??? cake/coffee immediately following (on-site). Cocktail hr/Reception at venue @ ???  FI is thinking if we get married @ church (which I do not want to do) making church people happy...then we could have receptions for family and close friends.

Because ceremony would be an open invite for church "family" (announced at church), we would send only family & friends ceremony/reception invite. Yes?

LAM524

@Liatris2010...Sorry. No gap between ceremony & coffee/cake as we could host right at church. However, there would be a gap between cake and formal reception @ venue for invited guests. This is acceptable, yes? Gap longer then travel time...yes. We are thinking this is when we could get pics done then join guests for cocktail hr and reception.

Its been a while since Ive attended a wedding that had ceremony/reception at different venues.  I do recall attending many that had at least 2-3 hrs difference between the two.

I agree with you, I shouldnt get married there if I dont want to. Its a yucky situation because my FI is a Pastor and it was a very public engagement (in front of congregation) so everyone is "looking forward" to our wedding. We keep going back and forth with not wanting to offend or hurt others and what we "ideally" want.

btw...if I compensate you, can you record your last line for us to listen to every Sunday night..please! Its a wonderful affirmation!

misssunshine17

Would your guests invited to the reception also be invited to this cake hour at the church? As long at they are, I don't see any obvious E rules broken. Or I suppose they could have cocktail hour without you at the reception location, but you couldn't be gone for more pictures or anything. 

I'm curious, if your FI is a pastor, how does he feel about getting married in a church? 

Simply Fated

"@ church (which I do not want to do)"

I'm stuck on this. I think this needs to be tackled between you and your fiance, first.

NYCMercedes

IF you do marry in his church... The church reception has probably been done before at his church, so I would ask a long time or very active member to see how they do it. How we do it is to have a receiving line at the church so everyone can express their well-wishes to the B&G and the couple can thank those that attended. Then the B&G leave while the church members go to cake and punch. You will need someone there to stand in for you as a host. This could be your parents, aunt and uncle, or even your favorite deacons. It really is best that a family member host for an hour and in our case it is usually the parents. Hosting does not mean serving as you hire someone for that. It means mingling. Good luck! You'll need it if you haven't worked out this fundamental part of your wedding yet!

LAM524

@misssunshine17...Yes, they would be invited for cake. Thats something we kinda chuckled about! Having "cake patrol" and booting reception guests! Not!!!

He is a Pastor. Originally, even before engaged, I said there was no way I would ever get married there because I HATE the color green. Of all colors, green is my enemy! He agreed, saying "Oh no way!" Its also old/dirty and stained. No real "aisle" either and def. no good pic ops! So after engagement, neither of us gave it a 2nd thought and booked ceremony/reception at same venue. BUT...since engagement the flood of excitement and interest in our wedding (surprising & touching) is kinda pulling at our heart strings. Both alike! Sundays are truly the hardest tugs!! The thought of another year of this is gonna kill me! Because he isnt really accessible during the services, I am approached the most. Its really a matter of making our minds up and sticking to it!! Mind and heart!!!!

My FI says if he could hit the lottery, we would host all 600+ at venue!

LAM524

@Liatris2010...thats funny you said nap! That is exactly what I use to do as a guest between ceremony/reception. Go home, eat, change and nap!!! Truthfully, I wasnt even thinking about OOT, not in total. I did consult my OOT Aunt about the gap. She thought that everyone is old enough to take care of themselves!!   Honestly, because she said this, it gave us something to think about.

We have tried to be so mindful of all of our guests but especially our OOT. Yeah...I like your reasoning. Especially, their spending money to entertain themselves. Thats a huge no-no to us. Thanks!

LAM524

@NYCMercedes....thanks! We did also discuss what you have suggested....leaving after receiving line. FI immediately thought it wasnt a good idea. Some of my BM's thought it fine. I went back and forth with it and ultimately agreed with FI.

Thanks for the good luck wishes! We really do have the fundamentals in place. Ceremony is booked @ venue. Its just that every time someone says something, it makes us, especially me, try to figure another way that could make everyone happy!

LAM524

@Simplyfated...Its really not a big thing to be tackled. FI is really fine about not marrying at church. Its me. I feel that my reasons for not marrying there are extremely shallow! "Don't like the color (he doesnt either) so poo on peoples hearts!" Shame on me! Honestly, now that I see others will be hurt, I guess I could live with the appearance of the church! I just really love our resort venue! Its beautiful!

Actually, besides color, I really did think it wasnt possible to marry at church because I thought we would have to invite everyone to reception....and totally couldnt afford that!! So did FI. We reasoned that a venue would be best and only invite family and close friends. So we contracted with venue.

misssunshine17

I'm not going to lie, I think your reasons are shallow, but so be it. If you're not getting married in the church, don't open it up to any church goers. If you do, I think your cake hour sounds fine. 

LAM524

I know right!! Shame on me!!!!

Simply Fated

LAM2228 said:

@Simplyfated...Its really not a big thing to be tackled. FI is really fine about not marrying at church. Its me. I feel that my reasons for not marrying there are extremely shallow! "Don't like the color (he doesnt either) so poo on peoples hearts!" Shame on me! Honestly, now that I see others will be hurt, I guess I could live with the appearance of the church! I just really love our resort venue! Its beautiful!

Actually, besides color, I really did think it wasnt possible to marry at church because I thought we would have to invite everyone to reception....and totally couldnt afford that!! So did FI. We reasoned that a venue would be best and only invite family and close friends. So we contracted with venue.

The reasons do sound shallow but if the reasons to have it there outweigh the appearance, then go for it lol. Pp gave good advice on how to go about it without inviting everyone to the reception.

LAM524

Thanks everyone! We are going to call wedding coordinator @ venue tomorrow!

Viczaesar

LAM2228 said:

@Liatris2010...Sorry. No gap between ceremony & coffee/cake as we could host right at church. However, there would be a gap between cake and formal reception @ venue for invited guests. This is acceptable, yes? Gap longer then travel time...yes. We are thinking this is when we could get pics done then join guests for cocktail hr and reception.

No, that's not okay.  The entire point of the cocktail hour is to host guests while you get your pictures done. 

LAM524

Yes, I do realize this is not proper. Thank you!

RWolff

Keep in mind that I have ZERO knowledge of what is acceptable for a church wedding, but here's an idea to build from.

If you are getting married on a Saturday, can you and your (then) H attend church on Sunday and get a blessing or acknowledgment of some sort in front of the entire congregation? I feel like you shouldn't feel obligated to compromise your wedding vision (even for an acknowledged shallow reason) if neither of you want to get married in FI's church. BUT these people are obviously an important part of his life, and therefore yours. Since the Sunday church service is the most important time for him and them, it might be a lovely time to incorporate them in your happiness. You could possibly still host cake and coffee after the service, and only mention your wedding/marriage as a tiny part of that Sunday's services.

If this is not proper in some way, please ignore this advice I also realize an etiquette board is maybe not the best place to suggest things that I am not sure are contrary to etiquette lol.

annathy03

I like RWolff's idea if your date isn't a Sunday. Just be sure it isn't another ceremony/PPD, but rather a blessing or something low key and do punch and cake while mingling. I think that would be a lovely way to make your congregation feel included.

LAM524

@RWolff...I appreciate your advice. His church is also my church and the congregation is also important to me.

@annathy03....I do like that idea of the blessing/cake! Thank you.

@tarradesign...do you think a blessing/cake would be appropriate after our honeymoon? If we do not do ceremony at church, we will not be in attendance for about a week or two.

LAM524

@tarradesign....I was hoping you'd say that. I think this solves our dilemma. Im so excited! Cant wait to share this with FI. We get to have our cake and eat it too.  Thanks!

Great idea..thanks everyone!

LAM524

@tarrdesign; @annathy03; @RWolff... I spoke with my FI about the blessing of marriage/cake suggestions. He loves it! He thinks its a "great" idea! Thats what we are going to do the 1st Sunday we are back at church. This feels so amazing to finally have a resolution. Its been weighing on me/us for 5 months since our engagement. Now I really do feel excited about our wedding! Yahooooo!

I can't thank you all enough! Thank you thank you thank you!

misssunshine17

I just have to say, I would think differently of my Pastor if he didn't get married in our church. I urge you to consider this from the parishes viewpoint since your FI is their Pastor. 

Just my opinion. 

LAM524

@misssunshine17...thank you. I respect your thoughts and understand. When consulting with the Lead Pastor/Family Pastor/Admin Pastor, we were advised that our "wedding" is ours...but our "marriage" is the congregations (setting an example as a couple).  We understood. If it werent a heart thing, we wouldnt feel a dilemma. We do care about these people because most care, genuinely about us. Its mutual. If it were an "ownership" thing (some think they own their Pastor) our thoughts would be different.

Im not sure, but maybe, the advise would have been different if he were a Lead Pastor. Not sure. Hmmm...now Im curious.

misssunshine17

Okay, but wouldn't setting the example start with your wedding? I don't know, sorry, but your info doesn't change my opinion. I'm not trying to be a jerk, but let you know how others may feel. Especially for something as trivial as color and photo op. 

LAM524

@misssunshine17...I know your not trying to be a jerk and I really do appreciate what you've said. Im not trying to change your opinion. Just having this discussion with you. You know, Ive "shamed" on me for my desire. Honestly, the esthetics were my 1st thoughts well before the engagement but when it came down to it, the resort venue we choose is really more for our desire to give our guests a nice weekend experience and give family the time to spend with family. Most of our guests are OOT. Lots of our family members havent seen each other for years...some 20 years. My mom's health isnt very good either and we really thought that the wedding would be a good opportunity to have a "family" reunion of sorts so she could see her siblings/nieces & nephews. All OOT. I believe that getting married sets that example, not where we are marrying. I appreciate your point though. We have decided to wed in front of family & close friends and host cake/coffee at church for those who care to celebrate with us. All 3 Pastors have given us their blessings and will be in attendance.

@sleeper2013...No...his divorce wasnt final before we started dating. When he was hired, we were told that we had to "pause" our relationship until things were final and when they were final the lead Pastor would be the "first to dance" with us! It was extremely difficult and confusing to me. We were/are abstinent so I was confused about how to "pause" especially because there were young children involved and I didnt know how to explain the situation as to why he wouldnt be around. I didnt want my son to think FI had left like dad did. We did though for almost a year. I was hurt & angry but I got it! We kept in touch, we were actually neighbors, we just didnt date (each other or anyone else). My FI still hung out with my brothers, our kids hung out and we even worked together on projects at church. If I wasnt their creative arts director, I probably would have not attended. It would have been easier. We waited and when the ink was dry, we had a great celebration and I did get that dance from the Pastor! My heart is heavy now thinking about that time. I was so depressed. The insecurities I experienced were horrible.  Im so thankful its behind us...a mountain the congregation does not know he/we climbed.  Our friends on the other hand joke with us saying that we survived a "lifetime movie."  I will admit, I still am not use to the fact that people look to us/me as an example. I am only human. Just me. Not worthy.

@stagemanager...the church building will never be more important then the people are. If that were the case, I would have never created this conversation. Tissue?