PSA for those of you getting help with from your parents

katiereith

Those of you that are getting help from your parents, set boundaries NOW. Our situation was that we were told a set amount was our wedding gift and what was left over we would get to keep. Most of the problems FI and I ran into in the planning process was because we didn't set boundaries. I'll give you a few examples:

Ceremony: FI and I wanted a ceremony at his church closer to him mom who is in a wheelchair could just be pushed there in a few minutes. We ended up at the Catholic church I went to as a kid because my dad is a born again over the top Catholic.

Reception: We wanted something outdoor and we kind of got it. We are using their barn but they have made the process hell and added in things we really didn't want and took away almost an entire loft without asking us.

Music: We were okay with an iPod reception. They then said that they would hire a band that they love and we HATE. We settled for a DJ.

Food: We either wanted a potluck (not proper etiquette by any means, but it's the norm in his family) or a fully catered meal that came with tables and chairs and a staff. We ended up with my moms catering friend who has been very unreliable up to this point.

Photography: I stood my ground on this one, there was just a lot of fighting involved and I am still getting comments made around me by my parents about the price ($2400 for 2 photographers, a videographer, unlimited time the day of, engagement photos and 3 photos albums - a good deal)

Just take my advice and set those boundaries now before you get to much further into planning things. It will save you a good amount of headaches and you will be happier in the end.

In the end we will still have a wonderful day this Saturday but I don't think we would be in the current situation we are emotionally and our stress level would be much lower. 

ShutterBug7

I am having this problem with my mom. All my ideas she's shot down by saying, "that's ugly, you'll have to find something else." She also said, "I can invite whoever I want!"

muenginerd

Sorry to hear that you both are having problems with your parents.  Our parents are handling the purse strings for the wedding and have been nothing but supportive.  Biggest problem I've had is that my parents are too excited.  We had to calm them down a bit. 

We've found communication is the biggest key.  My parents wanted to jump full steam ahead and pick vendors along what they thought a wedding should be or what they had seen in the past (and it has changed ALOT in the last 30 years).  FI and I went home one weekend, explained what we really would like, showed them some vendors we were thinking about, and they've been nothing but supportive.  Try talking to them about what your ideas are, what they want, and see where you can meet.  Our only thing upfront was that we had two different understandings of what was available for weddings today.

And I hate to say it, but money should control some things.  If mom wants to invite whoever she wants, then she should pay for those extra guests.  If they are not on your list, just let her know you simply can't afford it. 

 

 

doctorengaged

I'm wondering about what @muenginerd said, actually. We are largely funding our wedding except that my mum might contribute a bit for certain things she cares about (music, flowers) - probably no more than 10% of the total cost of the wedding. Does that mean she gets to invite her friends to the wedding? We are having a tiny wedding (40 people including the bridal party) and every person we are inviting is someone we REALLY want to have there. My mum wants people there that we've barely ever spoke to. Does she really get to invite them just because she is contributing some money? If so then I might reconsider her offer...

muenginerd

doctorpreggo said:

I'm wondering about what @muenginerd said, actually. We are largely funding our wedding except that my mum might contribute a bit for certain things she cares about (music, flowers) - probably no more than 10% of the total cost of the wedding. Does that mean she gets to invite her friends to the wedding? We are having a tiny wedding (40 people including the bridal party) and every person we are inviting is someone we REALLY want to have there. My mum wants people there that we've barely ever spoke to. Does she really get to invite them just because she is contributing some money? If so then I might reconsider her offer...

I personally would say no.  Her friends would a direct expense to the food budget you are paying for so you would incur this added expense of guests, so your call.  Others may have a better ettitiqute approach than I would though.

Could just expalin to mom that we only have a set budget, and really have to keep the guests list small as is it is, not including some people we may want there ourselves.  Really at this time we don't have the means to include everyone we want and can't accomodate extra guests. 

r&c14

If they pay, they get a say. I've lurked on many boards and I would suggest that to any ladies who read this and haven't. If you want things they way you and FI want them, then you need to pay 100%. If your parents are paying for the whole thing, then expect that you will just have to realize that you will probably have more people than you want on your guest list, food you hate, and so much more. If they are paying for say, just the food, then they have a say in it as well. You always have the option to say "Thanks, but no thanks" to the money and save up and have the wedding you can afford on your own.

maryemoo

I think the parents' having a say comes from them paying for the whole wedding...but since it's just flowers and such and you have such a personal small list I would put my foot down and say no. She can make decisions about what she's paying for; if she's paying for music and flowers, then a decision about music and flowers. If she's not paying for the guests meals/etc, then no.

FiancB

Yep this is why I'm hesitant about accepting anything from my parents. It's not so much that they'd get pushy about the little stuff like flowers or cake or whatever, but they are religious and we aren't and my mom has already been a huge pain about the Catholic wedding thing and we haven't even asked for/accepted any help. 

taraf85

Yikes, tricky situation when the parents ideas don't mesh with yours! I will count myself lucky up to this point in that both FI and I come from small single-parent house holds and both mom's are contributing an equal amount, as are we. 

On top of that they both have been nothing but gracious and flexible in how we use the funds given. I have made a point to include FMIL (and my mom but I figured that was a given) in the planning process, taking her dress shopping, bouncing ideas off of her for decorations/etiquette and going to bridal shows together. She made it clear to us when we were given the money that she didn't care how or where it was spent but that it was the only contribution she would make and we would have to stay in budget. 

 Only one sticky point so far, FMIL was not too keen on the plan to have an hour between ceremony and reception, they are taking place at the same site, and the break will be a fully hosted cocktail hour with open bar. She was worried everyone would fill up on appetizers before dinner. 

When I explained that FI and I would not be doing the dress reveal pictures before the ceremony(which is in line with her ideals and ours thank goodness) and that we hoped that time could be spent to take some pictures of us together and with the WP, and that I wasn't sure when we would fit those pictures in otherwise she completely understood and has been all for it since then. 

Etiquette follows that if you accept a wedding contribution then that person has a say in how it is used. I do think that if you sit down and have a conversation about the how and the why/reasoning you might be able to come to an agreement without overstepping any boundaries in that department. I would think adults who are melding families should be able to communicate that much. 

 

Otherwise your remaining option is to refuse the funds, and take the freedom to spend as you wish.

If the parent specifies what the money is for that's different, then they get a say in what direction say flowers, or bridesmaid dresses go if that is what they said they would contribute too. So maybe, again back to communication, clearly defining ahead of time what the parent wants to help with financially would be a better way to follow proper etiquette and stay sane?  

I apologize for the long post!