Wedding Etiquette Forum

Confession time: I didn't ask my BMs for a price range before I picked their dresses

Yep. I totally did. I found dresses I liked at Target for $55, privately asked each of my three BMs what they thought of it, and when they all liked the dress style but didn't like the colour I'd chosen, it came down to me picking the style and them picking the colour.

And I don't feel guilty about it. At all. Every time -- all five times -- I've been a BM, the bride didn't ask what my price range was, she just picked a dress and I was expected to pony up the cash. So I didn't even know I was supposed to ask for a price range. But I still think $55 is totally reasonable. In fact, after dropping more than $200, pre- alterations, on EACH of my BM dresses, I vowed I'd find something pretty, reasonably priced, and re-wearable. And I did.

So what are some etiquette rules you broke that you either didn't know were rules or you knew were rules and didn't care about? 
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Re: Confession time: I didn't ask my BMs for a price range before I picked their dresses

  • Offensive Kitten, what gifts did you give?

     

    I am doing 2 different invitation designs because I don't feel like buying another box of the expensive one when I found a really nice one on super clearance that will suffice for my work people.

     

     I trump all the Kitties with cuteness!!! Bhahahahaha!!!

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  • well, those ARE indeed neato. I would like those, for sure.

     I trump all the Kitties with cuteness!!! Bhahahahaha!!!

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  • OffensiveKitten, those are adorable!

    OP, I'm glad you did right by your BMs. I agree if you find a dress at that price point it's reasonable to assume your BMs are good with it. If I couldn't swing $55 for a dress, I shouldn't have accepted the position. I plan to have my BMs find something they like that fits my colors be it from David's, Target, or wherever.

    To your question I think I got on here early enough to avoid breaking any, but if not for these forums I might have ended up with a "traditional" head table that sits wedding party dates with other guests, because that's all I have ever seen. Now we will probably do a sweetheart with the bridesmaids and dates at the table nearest me and the groomsmen and dates nearest FI.
  • I didn't provide breakfast for my bridesmaids. They got ready at home, so it just really didn't occur to me to do that, but in hindsight I probably should have. 


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  • I wrote "semi-formal" on my invitations. I had no idea that was a faux pas when I did it, and though I could have redone the invitations since I made them myself, I decided I didn't care enough.
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  • I also never asked my bridesmaids a price range.  I found a style that I liked that was fairly cheap, and then I asked for their opinion.  They all were gushing over how much they loved it, so I didn't think twice.  They're all fine with the price, but I still wish I had asked first.

    FI and I weren't initially planning on inviting all SOs.  Just married, engaged, or been together a frickin long time.  I'm glad we fixed that before the invites went out!  :)

    I never realized that having a head table is considered rude.  I get why it is though.  But it's the norm where I come from.  After I started second-guessing myself on the head table, I asked every single one of my BMs about it, and they ALL said "why would you do anything other than a head table, that's so weird!"  I get why it's considered impolite, but since every person in the WP (FI asked his guys too) is ok with it, we're still doing it.  If it made anyone uncomfortable than I wouldn't have.

    I was on the fence before about dollar dances.  They're so common around here, and everyone seems to love them.  I initially didn't want to have one because I don't like the idea of having to dance with someone I'm not super super close to.  My personal space bubble is big.  But now, all I can think of is "give me more money!", so that made up my mind.  We're not doing one, despite the fact that my family/friends want me to.

    My area does nothing but cash bars.  Seriously.  My parents have been to so many weddings, and have never been to one that actually had an open bar.  Around here, it's expected.  I haven't had the chance to decide how I feel about them.  FI and I are having a dry wedding, so I haven't bothered to give cash bars any thought. 

  • hordolhordol member
    100 Love Its 100 Comments First Answer First Anniversary
    edited June 2013
    There are a couple faux pas we have committed. :( 

    1) FI had a groomsman drop out, so he promoted an usher because he wanted our sides to be even (awww! my little groomzilla)

    2) We "B-Listed" a couple people. FI's mom didn't want to be "that MIL" that insisted on certain people being invited because she recognizes that it's our wedding, not hers. But now that our rsvp date has passed, she has asked if we have room for 4 people that she thinks should be invited. We let her do it. I figure if anyone is offended, it's on her, not me lol.
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  • I asked my MOH by text the night FI proposed and then, within the next week, suggested an idea for my bachelorette. Soon after I got on TK and started learning what's what, but I still feel bad about this blunder. The idea I suggested isn't too tricky or expensive, and now she's using it, but I'll never know if she really wanted to or just felt pressured.
  • I didn't ask my BM either price range, but I didn't pick out their dresses, they did. We went to David's Bridal and I told them the length and color I wanted and they could pick out the dress, didn't have to match. They didn't buy their dresses that day and I was able to find three of the dresses they picked on ebay for $35-40 and then I also paid for dry cleaning. (Yes I cleared it with the girls first). The one dress we had to buy new, I still paid for in full and my mom was able to do her alterations for free.
  • cofkelcofkel member
    10 Comments 5 Love Its Name Dropper First Anniversary
    I did not ask my BM's their price but I also gave them a color from DB and told them to get whatever they wanted, that being said they could have gotten from Ebay or wherever, I did not really care. What is funny I told them horizon blue, silver shoes, whatever jewelry they want. They have all stressed so much about the choices they need to make and more than one have told me they wish I just dictated all of these items. I was trying to be a nice easy bride and not do that!
    We B-listed 6 people, two guys and their wives that work for my F's business and one of my friends. I felt bad but they never even knew or would know as there was about a week difference when the invites went out. I also asked a friend late. She had just had a baby and I felt bad asking her, so I had decided I wasn't going to, but she is one of my very good friends and was doing so much with me that I reallllly wanted her in the party so I asked her about 3 months after everyone else. She knew this and really did not seem to care.
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  • I DID ask my bridesmaids for a price range. They all said "oh it doesn't matter". Yes it does, guys. I'm paying for a $350+ gown for another wedding I'm in lol. But I won't do that to my bridesmaids because well, I'm cheap. And I like it that way.

    My mom keeps insisting on not inviting some third cousins but on writing a little note to say that if they choose to make a family vacay out of the trip (it's a semi destination wedding for all my guests) then the third cousins can come. Uhh no mom. This is literally like 40 extra guests we could be talking about. Not happening.

    We are having an open bar, but I went to a wedding once that had a completely cash bar (even sodas were $2!) but an open bar for the wedding party. We basically don't speak to them anymore (more because they completely cut out their non-parent friends from their lives as soon as they popped out a kid).
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  • I didn't as my BM budget either.   I did say I was keeping it under $150 and they seems good with that.     One BM was pregnant and I told her to just by a dress the same color as the BMs so she picked her own budget (which ended up being more expensive).     My sister helped pick out the dress so she did have control over the cost.  My parents picked up the cost of my 5 nieces' dresses, money is not an issue for her, which is why she picked up the cost.  2 of my siblings would have had a problem covering the cost.     MIL picked up the cost of my SILs dresses.  Again money not an issue.  They actually expected to pay more.






    What differentiates an average host and a great host is anticipating unexpressed needs and wants of their guests.  Just because the want/need is not expressed, doesn't mean it wouldn't be appreciated. 
  • I didn't ask one of my BMs for her budget because she guilted me into letting her be a BM. She hounded me for MONTHS, even before I was engaged. So if she was so hellbent on being a BM, she can wear whatever I want her to wear. That was my evil bride moment.
  • I never asked their price range either, I just tried to find dresses between $99-$150 and would show them and ask what they thought and if that price was okay.

    I put "semi formal reception to follow" on our invites but they've already been ordered and delivered. Oops. Def. wouldn't have done that had I come to TK sooner.

    Originally planned on having an open bar for the cocktail hour and cash bar the rest of the night. Thankfully you guys set me straight :-)

    After 6 years and 2 boys, finally tying the knot on October 27th, 2013!

  • KDM323KDM323 member
    Knottie Warrior 500 Love Its 500 Comments Name Dropper
    My Mom invited people to our "engagement" bbq that won't be invited to the wedding.  I didn't stop her because technically it isn't an "engagement party", they're just having a BBQ and honestly, it wasn't worth the fight with my 70+ year old mother.  I told her once that ONLY people that are invited to the wedding should be invited to any pre-wedding parties and she got all offended, so I let it go.    Since they live more than 3 hours away from where our wedding is...her friends, etc. that she is inviting likely wouldn't have traveled to the wedding anyway so I'm just letting it go.   "If Momma ain't happy, ain't nobody happy" is a rule I've learned to live by.
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  • @soapykitten: how do the Target dresses look? I was concerned about the seriously mixed reviews and went to DB for the bridesmaids, but I am considering a couple for myself (shower, rehearsal, etc) My dad still wants to b-list. He thinks its fine to just set up an extra table and have the reception be "open".
  • Spaghetti, that's really not cool not to invite the boyfriend just b/c you don't like the aunt.
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  • :( I know. I'm still working on not inviting her altogether. Like I said, judge away. About half of that side of the family has warned me not to invite him or they won't come, and my dad is determined to not insult these relatives but also at least extend an invitation to her. I'm waiting to address the invite. But part of me just feels so much loathing for her and the things she's said to me and behind my back that I want her to feel the same emotion to some degree.

    I'll try my best to do right by y'all.
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  • ally91ally91 member
    100 Comments 5 Love Its Name Dropper First Anniversary

    I put "Adults Only Reception" on the reception information card....I would not have had I known in time! At least it wasn't on the official invitation!! (and people STILL asked if their kids were invited!)

    Soon-to-be Mrs. Kent
  • I'm using printed labels on my invites...
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  • gmcr78gmcr78 member
    Fifth Anniversary 500 Comments 100 Love Its Name Dropper

    We did our own engagement party.  In our defense, it wasn't an actual party-we invited people to go out to a bar to celebrate with us, it wasn't a hosted event. I've never actually been to a real engagement party at a home or private party room.  In my circle of friends, people usually just pick a night to go out to a bar to celebrate and invite whoever to join them, so that's what we did.   

    We did it through Evite (again, typical in my circle to organize people to go out together) and invited people who it now turns out will not be invited to the wedding.  I'm not proud of that, but we're not really friends with these folks anymore (former coworkers).  Our engagement is kind of long (2.5 years). 

    Let's see, what else?  Oh yeah, I asked my BMs kind of early.  I never worried about that though, b/c most of us are in our 30s and at a point in our lives where our relationships aren't going to wane, so I'm good there. 

    It wasn't until I came here that I realized the engagement party faux pas, and that I should have waited to ask my BMs.

  • I don't want to ask my girls what their budget is haha!  Is that bad? I'd love to just be a brat.  I found a bridesmaid dress I'm obsessed with, but I can't find it for less than $175 anywhere near us. I think it's too much for what the dress is, though. Sigh.

    Honestly, I feel like the best cure for being a demanding bride is being a bridesmaid to a demanding bride. I'm currently the proud owner of a $200 neon purple satin strapless cocktail dress. Yeah, my opinion or budget was never requested. 
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  • itzMSitzMS member
    2500 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers First Anniversary

    Confession: I didn't buy my bridesmaids gifts.

    I purchased their dresses, hair, and makeup. It wasn't intended to be in lieu of a gift and I knew at the time that these aren't supposed to be considered as "gifts". But, frankly I didn't care!

    I don't think they were too devastated, but I can't change it now.

  • Confession:

    I didn't ask my BMs their price range before I picked out their dresses.

    The guys all wore tuxes before 6pm (oh the horror!)

    I used clear labels on the RSVP envelopes.

    I didn't give a separate invite to H's 20 year old cousin, but instead included him on the family invite.

    I am so going to wedding hell!!

     


  • I didn't ask for bridesmaid budgets either. No one ever asked me when I was a bridesmaid. I wasn't trying to be rude; I just thought it was an unspoken rule that you'd pay that much on a dress. I did invite my girls to pick them out together. I thought that would serve the same purpose, but didn't think of the fact that people might be shy about saying their budget if everyone else likes a dress. Only 2 of the 4 ladies could make it due to severe weather so those 2 essentially set the budget for everyone else. 
  • We put a family of 2 parents and 3 adult children on one invite. My FI has a family unit within his family that he doesn't like. He absolutely refused to send 4 invites to the house. I told him it was rude, but he said he doesn't like them, he knew they wouldn't come, and would actually be happy if they decided not to come because of the invite thing. Also, he didn't want to spend that much money sending our custom invites to them. I tried to convince him not to do it, but it really wasn't a hill to die on for me.
  • We're having a "green" (as much as we can) wedding, so we used Paperless Post for our STDs and invitations (with the exception of our much older guests). It worked out well and a decent number of people thanked us for it.

    I know it was wrong, but I don't care. It saved paper, if not a ton of money.
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  • MsYeckMsYeck member
    100 Comments 25 Love Its
    You could just not send an invite and if you get called on it say you did but that it must have "got lost in the mail"
  • itzMSitzMS member
    2500 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers First Anniversary
    @hoorayforsoup , we had some parents bring their kids to our ceremony to save on an hour or two of babysitting costs. They dropped the kids off a the babysitter's on the way to the reception. It worked out fine, and I don't think anyone side-eyed it.
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