Bridesmaid woes...

LBennett628

I am having a really hard time processing one of my bridesmaid's actions and I was hoping you guys might be able to show me something I'm not seeing. Ok, my fiance and I have been together almost seven years and got engaged 6 months before my bridesmaid got engaged to a guy she hadn't been with for a year yet. After getting together with her fiance she hardly spoke with me anymore which hurt and she started liking different things that her fiance liked. So even though she was distant and it seemed really rushed, I asked her to be a bridesmaid because she means a lot to me. She accepted and then she set her date for 2 weeks before mine! Even though we had been engaged 6 months before she got engaged, had the date set, and she was a bridesmaid. And she asked me to be in her wedding party so I said yes because I consider that to be a great honor. After that I tried emailing and texting her asking her questions about her wedding hoping to be involved in hers as much as possible even though I have my own to plan. She always said "i don't know" which fit her laid back personality, but she never inquired about mine! Ever. And she didn't come to one of my bridal showers but said she would come to the other one, but only showed up for an hour because she had to go to her fiance's best friend's eagle scout graduation...even though this is one of her duties to be at my shower to help out and the date has been planned over a year. I was upset and didn't see why he couldn't go by himself. I'm hurt that she doesn't try to be involved and I'm wondering if I'm wrong to feel this way?

manateehugger

LBennett628 said:

I am having a really hard time processing one of my bridesmaid's actions and I was hoping you guys might be able to show me something I'm not seeing. Ok, my fiance and I have been together almost seven years and got engaged 6 months before my bridesmaid got engaged to a guy she hadn't been with for a year yet. After getting together with her fiance she hardly spoke with me anymore which hurt and she started liking different things that her fiance liked. So even though she was distant and it seemed really rushed, I asked her to be a bridesmaid because she means a lot to me. She accepted and then she set her date for 2 weeks before mine! Even though we had been engaged 6 months before she got engaged, had the date set, and she was a bridesmaid. And she asked me to be in her wedding party so I said yes because I consider that to be a great honor. After that I tried emailing and texting her asking her questions about her wedding hoping to be involved in hers as much as possible even though I have my own to plan. She always said "i don't know" which fit her laid back personality, but she never inquired about mine! Ever. And she didn't come to one of my bridal showers but said she would come to the other one, but only showed up for an hour because she had to go to her fiance's best friend's eagle scout graduation...even though this is one of her duties to be at my shower to help out and the date has been planned over a year. I was upset and didn't see why he couldn't go by himself. I'm hurt that she doesn't try to be involved and I'm wondering if I'm wrong to feel this way?

"No one will ever care about my wedding as much as I do." That's your new mantra. Use it often.

1. She's allowed to become engaged and get married whenever her and her fiance would like. Your weddings don't have to have anything to do with each other. Honestly, I've been a bridesmaid four times (five in two weeks), and I'm usually not over-involved in the wedding unless the bride asks for help with something specific. 

2. She doesn't have any "duties" whatsoever. It is not her duty to plan your shower or to show up to your shower. Is it nice if she does? Yes, of course. But it is far from her duty. Honestly, I think it was really nice of her to show up to the shower even for a little bit when she had another event to attend. Why should she make her fiance go by himself? And it was one ONE of your apparent multiple showers. 

3. It sounds like you have a friend problem, not a bridesmaid problem. If she's been pulling away from you, why don't you ask her out to drinks and talk about it. DO NOT bring up the wedding. Your wedding has very little to do with your friendship. Do you talk to her about anything other than wedding stuff lately?  Be concerned about her as your friend, not as your bridesmaid. 

Maggie0829

Everything that @PDKH said.

Also, if H and I went by the "well we were together the longest" thing when other friends and family got engaged we really wouldn't have very many friends left.  You and your friend only get one day.  Not one month or one year, only one day.

s-aries8990

Yep. Ditto @PDKH.

Does it suck? Kinda, but you have to remember, she does have her own life, ya know? It's ok to be upset, but she is IN NO WAY WRONG.

Start being her friend again and stop being the bride.

LBennett628

whoa sorry you got the impression of a bridezilla, I'm not at all like that. I guess I should've mentioned I've asked her to attend and help with things and she always denies. She says shes to busy fixing hers and her fiance's relationship. and I've continually asked her out, she declines. So I've kind of given up. And to the comment about multiple showers, that was his family's choice not mine. She said a year in advance she would make it to the one held by my family but then as soon as she arrives she springs that on me...

manateehugger

LBennett628 said:

whoa sorry you got the impression of a bridezilla, I'm not at all like that. I guess I should've mentioned I've asked her to attend and help with things and she always denies. She says shes to busy fixing hers and her fiance's relationship. and I've continually asked her out, she declines. So I've kind of given up. And to the comment about multiple showers, that was his family's choice not mine. She said a year in advance she would make it to the one held by my family but then as soon as she arrives she springs that on me...

No one said bridezilla, but the bolded is what I'm talking about. You can't upset with her for not helping you with wedding stuff. Bummed, yes. Upset, no.

Why don't you call or email her and just say, that as her friend, you're concerned and just want to chat with her? Promise no wedding talk. Just say you're feeling disconnected to her and would just like to catch up. Friend problem, not bridesmaid problem. 

You're certainly allowed to have more than one shower. I was just saying that expecting people to attend multiple showers is a high expectation. And it was kind of sad for her to commit a year out since schedules change so much, but that's life. Stuff pops up. Again, I think it was very considerate of her to still make an appearance. 

Edited for grammar. 

LBennett628

I've tried that and thats when she revealed that her and her fiance were having problems and that she was to busy to talk or get together. I told her that since our weddings are so close I really don't want to get lost in our own weddings I really want to stay involved in both. And I genuinely do.

I never asked her for wedding help! Not once. I only ask her tons of questions about hers because I really do care about her plans...I'm honestly excited and want to know what shes got going on. And again, she never asks about mine. Since she never asks I don't feel comfortable asking her for help on things she doesn't want to know about.

And of course I didn't expect her to attend both, but I can never see her without her FI and the fact that she couldn't honor one day thatas important to HER friend just because HIS friend had something, well I think they could've gone solo. I would've.

manateehugger

Dude, you just said in the above post that you ask "her to attend and help with things." That qualifies as asking for help. 

Maybe she missed part of her fiance's friend's ceremony too. 

SHE IS NOT REQUIRED TO ASK OR CARE ABOUT THE DETAILS OF YOUR WEDDING.

LBennett628 said:

I've tried that and thats when she revealed that her and her fiance were having problems and that she was to busy to talk or get together. I told her that since our weddings are so close I really don't want to get lost in our own weddings I really want to stay involved in both. And I genuinely do.

I never asked her for wedding help! Not once. I only ask her tons of questions about hers because I really do care about her plans...I'm honestly excited and want to know what shes got going on. And again, she never asks about mine. Since she never asks I don't feel comfortable asking her for help on things she doesn't want to know about.

And of course I didn't expect her to attend both, but I can never see her without her FI and the fact that she couldn't honor one day thatas important to HER friend just because HIS friend had something, well I think they could've gone solo. I would've.

LBennett628

ok she can pretend to care. its kind of like "hey how are you" "good, and you?" common courtesy, you may not care but you ask anyway.

and by that i meant go dress shopping for the dress she will be wearing. Thought she might wanna help with that.

manateehugger

But asking how you are you doing is not asking about how wedding planning is going. You specifically said you were upset that she wouldn't ask how your wedding was going. 

If she doesn't want to go dress shopping, she doesn't want to go. Go with the other BM's if they want, pick a dress within everyone's budgets, and give her the date which she needs to order by. If she doesn't order it, she's taken herself out of the wedding. Problem solved. 

Honestly, this friend sounds like she's going through hell in her relationship. Take a moment to tell her you're concerned, that you'd like to be there for her as a friend. Stop talking to me on here and give her a phone call. 

LBennett628 said:

ok she can pretend to care. its kind of like "hey how are you" "good, and you?" common courtesy, you may not care but you ask anyway.

and by that i meant go dress shopping for the dress she will be wearing. Thought she might wanna help with that.

manateehugger

Also, if she is having fiance problems, I'm surprised you would be so upset with her for attending her FI's friend's graduation. If she's trying to repair her relationship, you should be supportive of her doing things with her FI. 

winelover123

Sorry, but I'd go to an Eagle Scout court of honor over a bridal shower as well. I'd make an appearance at the bridal shower, but wouldn't stay for the whole time. Which is what your friend did. It's a huge accomplishment to earn your Eagle Scout award. You can be upset that she didn't make it for the whole time, but she did attend for a little while and now it is time to let it go. Have you thought that maybe she doesn't want to talk about wedding details? It's only been recently that I've wanted to talk about wedding details to anyone - I don't want to get pushed into something that I don't want by my family and friends, so I preferred to just avoid talking details. Back off, and just talk about non-wedding related stuff. And if she's trying to repair her relationship, she's probably more focused on that than any wedding.

MyNameIsNot

It sucks that you and your friend are not as close as you used to be, but you are getting upset over nothing.  

You've already said you aren't that close anymore, and you've already said she's generally laid back about this kind of thing.  You are expecting her to change because you are engaged.  That's not how it works.

Be thankful that she accepted the honor of being a bridesmaid, that she made the effort to come to your shower even though she had an important obligation that day, and that she will stand up next to you at your wedding.  Chalk her failure to ask or care about your wedding plans to the fact that she is not the type of person to care about that kind of stuff.  It's not fair to hold that against her.  

If she doesn't want to go dress shopping, she forfeits the right to help pick the dress.  As long as you pick something in the budget she gave you, you're fine.  

LBennett628

OF course I don't hold it against her and we aren't fighting or anything like that. It just hurts that I'm willing to overstretch to help her (not only with wedding things but also her life) and she can't manage to ask how I'm doing. I can see what you're saying...shes laid back about her wedding so she won't be excited about mine, but why can she never call or text to say hi how are you? or ask how my new job went? or anything of that nature. I try talking to her all the time about how they're both graduating college and trying to find a job and trying to get their first apartment and we talk all about it but never once has she asked how we are. It's just disheartening is all.

aurianna

You have to enjoy the time you're with her and spend talking to her and not dwell on the time when you are not.

Friendships are not always tit for tat all the time. And now might be one of those times for her as it sounds quite hectic.
She has a wedding to plan.
She's having relationship troubles.
She's trying to finish school.
She's looking for a job?? Being unemployed were some of the most stressful months of my life.

Personally I found the transition from college to job-seeking graduate very stressful/depressing and I holed up for a good amount of time and didn't talk to much of anyone.

Some people handle stress and change differently. And they may even become a little self-involved and that's ok sometimes.

It sounds like at least right now you are the chattier of the two. She might just assume if there are things going on in your life you will mention them.

[Deleted User]

Okay, So this sounds super similar to the situation with my friend a few years back. She met a guy on line (she was 18, he was 19). I encouraged her, because she had never had a boyfriend before and I thought it would help her feel more confident since she is always down on the way she looks. Exactly one year from the day that they met she him he proposed. She said yes. I'm not going to lie, I was mortified. There was something about the guy that really made me uncomfortable. But, he made her happy so I kept my nose out of it. Fast forward 6 months, the night before I was going to go order my BM dress she arrived at my apartment, distraught. She wanted to call of the wedding because her FI did absolutely nothing to help over the past few months and she was sick of her behavior. She did end up marrying the guy, 9 months after the proposal. But, then found out a whole bunch of stuff about him that would have sent me running for the hills if I was in her position.

Anyways, It is not wrong to feel hurt that she does not seem to be willing to be involved, but all of the stuff on her own plate is just as important as yours. But, I could see her FI as being a big portion of it. My friend did the same thing and I had to make a tough decision. I still hang out with her, but I cannot stand her husband and will come up with an excuse to leave early if he comes home while we are hanging out because he is controlling of her.

Is it possible your friend is similar to mine? That she has low self-esteem and is terrified of her FI leaving her? She could be ignoring you in favor of keeping her relationship going. My friend once blatantly told me that she did not think another guy would ever love her if she left her husband, which is why she stayed with him even after she found out a chunk of his life had been a lie.

Personally, I think you may just need to back away and keep your mouth shut. I know it can be hard, but you need to try and wait until after the wedding. It got easier for me to hang out with my friend after she was married because she was no longer worried that her husband would leave her. So that could happen to you too, after she is married she may turn into the doting friend that you are craving.

Peledreamsofrain

You are placing a lot of happiness and pressure on another person for the enjoyment of your wedding process that isn't even your fiance.  Would it be nice if she was all about weddings, didn't have relationship problems, and had all the time in the world to go to showers?  Yes.

Should her inability to do all those things send you into depression and 'ruin' your wedding planning process?  Nope, not even a little.

Back off of her if she's not responding to phone calls.  Let her come to you, and take back your enjoyment for yourself.  Enjoy what YOU are doing, don't rely on other people to enjoy yourself.

cmcole4509

I would suggest what some of the other ladies here said, which is ask her to go out for some girl time with no wedding talk, just to catch up. Ask her about how she is doing, is she looking for a job, how is her family, how is her relationship with her FI. If she says something is going on with him, I would say just be a good listener but don't offer advice unless she asks for it. If she doesn't want to talk about it, then I would say just leave her in peace. Let her know what your BM dress arrangements or requirements are (type of dress, time and date it needs to be ordered, etc) and then the time she needs to be at the ceremony venue on the wedding day, and leave it at that. Sometimes friends just drift and there isn't anything you can do about it. Sometimes you don't speak to someone for a long time but then when you finally do it's like you were never apart. I have a couple friends from my home state that sometimes I only talk to once a month or once every couple of months, but when we do talk it's like we are still together. I guess what I'm saying is just because she is a little distant don't give up on the friendship right away Like everyone else said, enjoy the planning with your family and those friends that are willing and able to offer help to you. Best of luck dear.

LBennett628

I completely understand transition and change. But I fear for her that she hasn't even experienced the real world enough to have accurate assumptions. They've both only dormed, never really held a full time job....and it's hard because I go to school full time, work full time, started a new full time job, training for my new job outside of work, planning my wedding, moving, etc. and I still find time to ask her how she is doing, but she can't once ask how I am...stuff not even about the wedding.. Like I said, it's disheartening but there's nothing I can do to change it.

awebb04 said:

Okay, So this sounds super similar to the situation with my friend a few years back. She met a guy on line (she was 18, he was 19). I encouraged her, because she had never had a boyfriend before and I thought it would help her feel more confident since she is always down on the way she looks. Exactly one year from the day that they met she him he proposed. She said yes. I'm not going to lie, I was mortified. There was something about the guy that really made me uncomfortable. But, he made her happy so I kept my nose out of it. Fast forward 6 months, the night before I was going to go order my BM dress she arrived at my apartment, distraught. She wanted to call of the wedding because her FI did absolutely nothing to help over the past few months and she was sick of her behavior. She did end up marrying the guy, 9 months after the proposal. But, then found out a whole bunch of stuff about him that would have sent me running for the hills if I was in her position.

Anyways, It is not wrong to feel hurt that she does not seem to be willing to be involved, but all of the stuff on her own plate is just as important as yours. But, I could see her FI as being a big portion of it. My friend did the same thing and I had to make a tough decision. I still hang out with her, but I cannot stand her husband and will come up with an excuse to leave early if he comes home while we are hanging out because he is controlling of her.

Is it possible your friend is similar to mine? That she has low self-esteem and is terrified of her FI leaving her? She could be ignoring you in favor of keeping her relationship going. My friend once blatantly told me that she did not think another guy would ever love her if she left her husband, which is why she stayed with him even after she found out a chunk of his life had been a lie.

Personally, I think you may just need to back away and keep your mouth shut. I know it can be hard, but you need to try and wait until after the wedding. It got easier for me to hang out with my friend after she was married because she was no longer worried that her husband would leave her. So that could happen to you too, after she is married she may turn into the doting friend that you are craving.

manateehugger

LBennett628 said:

I completely understand transition and change. But I fear for her that she hasn't even experienced the real world enough to have accurate assumptions. They've both only dormed, never really held a full time job....and it's hard because I go to school full time, work full time, started a new full time job, training for my new job outside of work, planning my wedding, moving, etc. and I still find time to ask her how she is doing, but she can't once ask how I am...stuff not even about the wedding.. Like I said, it's disheartening but there's nothing I can do to change it.

Maybe she knows you think she hasn't experienced enough of the real world to have "accurate assumptions" and therefore is blowing you off. 

I think she's just not that into you...and your wedding. 

southernredandwhite85

If she's experiencing problems with her relationship with her fiance, she may be more interested in fixing the relationship v. talking about wedding planning (hers or yours). A wedding is ONE DAY. A marriage is a LIFETIME. She should, rightly so, pay more attention and focus on her relationship & future marriage than planning/talking about her wedding. Much less yours. Is it hurtful that someone doesn't care as much about your wedding planning as you do? Sure. Should it affect your friendship? Absolutely not.

[Deleted User]

LBennett628 said:

I completely understand transition and change. But I fear for her that she hasn't even experienced the real world enough to have accurate assumptions. They've both only dormed, never really held a full time job....and it's hard because I go to school full time, work full time, started a new full time job, training for my new job outside of work, planning my wedding, moving, etc. and I still find time to ask her how she is doing, but she can't once ask how I am...stuff not even about the wedding.. Like I said, it's disheartening but there's nothing I can do to change it.

Everyone has different stress levels they can handle. So planning a wedding might be as stressful for her as everything you are doing is to you. I really just have to laugh at how some of the situation is. My friend had lived in a apartment with a roommate. But, her parents paid for everything! They paid for her rent, her gas, her groceries, any car maintenance, everything! They even paid for the wedding. Even after her and her husband Got married her parents still pay for a lot of things. They are paying for the insurance, they have given them to brand new cars, and the key for the down payment on a condo

It does sound like you have a lot on your plate. But, the wedding planning should be very important to you! Just have a lot of fun with it, enjoy your engagement :-) my friend and I are still friends. Even if I am not completely convinced that she made the right choice. But, hopefully the fact that we are still friends have will soothe some of your frustrations