What the what the WHAT? Miss Manners' column

HisGirlFriday13

This was the Miss Manners column today. Is it wrong I want this bride to come here and ask us this question???

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My daughter recently became engaged to her boyfriend of seven years. He is a charming and quiet gentleman and devoted to my daughter.

My daughter is having second thoughts already. Some friends told her that his proposal was not elaborate enough, and that he should have let her choose her ring and not given her the stunning family ring that she now wears. (I admit to being very envious.)

She asked me what I thought about her giving back the ring and asking him to plan a more elaborate proposal and offering her a new ring. I was speechless.

I simply asked her what was more important — the style of the proposal and a new ring, or the sincere proposal offered by a man so devoted to her that he gave her a ring of great sentimental value to him.

Her friends have convinced her this is the way to go, and I worry that she is so overwhelmed by them that she will do this.

My very outgoing son, who believes in sharing much of his life on social media, told her about his very understated proposal to his now-wife. Others have shared details about proposals made and received to show that a staged production is not necessary.

Is there any other advice I should share with her before she does something I think she will regret?

GENTLE READER: Yes: Advise her to give that poor young gentleman back his family ring. Miss Manners is not recommending this as a way to allow your daughter to squeeze another ring out of him, along with some treacly drama of a proposal. Rather it is to spare him from a marriage made miserable by the influence of childish ideas from his wife’s scatterbrained friends.

The other advice is for you: You have a lot of parenting left to do. No matter what your daughter’s age is, she is too immature to be married. You may not be able to ground her, but you should strongly oppose any idea of marriage until you are able to instill some values in her.

kipnus

Unbelievable. 

Simply Fated

I love Miss Manners.

The bride either needs to grow up or find some more mature friends.

misshart00

I think she did ask. There was a thread about it. They were engaged 3 years and she wants a new proposal and ring.

I definitely agree with miss manners though.

hardlyhannah

wow. I feel bad for that man who is dealing with that bride.

rajahmd

What. The. Fuck.

Some people are ridiculous.

Kate61487

I think miss manners' response was spot on.

CarolinaHeart

This... I can't... Just.... Wut.

mlg78

She sounds like a future Bridezilla episode in the making...

Amsdragonfly

This. Is. Sad. Can't believe this.

annathy03

Seriously? WTF is wrong with people?? The would-be groom should be running for the hills, that she would even consider asking for a different ring/proposal.
FI did do an over the top proposal, and it was lovely, but I wouldn't have been disappointed if he'd asked while during a tv commercial break. The things I remember most are the things that made it him- he was nervous and after I asked why, since he knew I'd say yes (we'd talked about it more than once). He said because it was a big moment, and because: well yeah, but you run through every scenario in your head and you still COULD have said no. It's not like I could lick your hand and say 'claimed her, this ones mine!'. I laughed so hard the champagne almost came out my nose.

tiny speck

That's awful. Miss Manners' reply was spot on though.

Kate61487

annathy03 said:

Seriously? WTF is wrong with people?? The would-be groom should be running for the hills, that she would even consider asking for a different ring/proposal.
FI did do an over the top proposal, and it was lovely, but I wouldn't have been disappointed if he'd asked while during a tv commercial break. The things I remember most are the things that made it him- he was nervous and after I asked why, since he knew I'd say yes (we'd talked about it more than once). He said because it was a big moment, and because: well yeah, but you run through every scenario in your head and you still COULD have said no. It's not like I could lick your hand and say 'claimed her, this ones mine!'. I laughed so hard the champagne almost came out my nose.

Bahaha. "Claimed her, this ones mine". That's hilarious. H was nervous too, he said it was b/c he was afraid I'd hate the ring.

southernbelle0915

Bride to be and her friends...

krizzo17

@CMgr, that proposal is adorable - it really made me smile.

annathy03

Kate61487 said:

Bahaha. "Claimed her, this ones mine". That's hilarious. H was nervous too, he said it was b/c he was afraid I'd hate the ring.

I think they all get at least a little nervous, but I certainly wasn't expecting that explanation from him, haha!  FI couldn't decide on a setting so he proposed with a solitaire and had me pick a setting after.

[Deleted User]

Seriously. My fiance proposed while I was standing in our family room between the coffee table and (turned off) television. It was fucking perfect. I wouldn't change it for anything in the entire world.

Chloeagh

After showing up in a suit and not proposing to me while on a walk, FI did it in street clothes, in my dorm room, while I was on the computer and trying to get him to throw something away.

I (accidentally) picked my ring, though, so I guess I still am better off than that poor girl who got a gorgeous family heirloom. But it was cheap, so maybe I should demand a better one that I hate just to make sure FI spent enough money on it.

Xstatic3333

I like all these simple-but-perfect proposal stories.  My FI proposed while I was doing my hair before our fancy anniversary dinner because he was too nervous to wait any longer!  It was awesome. 

The whole ring-centric attitude really bothers me.  The times I have lurked on Weddingbee (I've never had an account there) I feel like I see a lot of threads about this sort of thing.  "Is my ring too small?"  "Disappointed in my ring-what to do?"  Then, of course, I click on the thread and the ring seems gigantic to me.  I'm sure there are lots of nice people on those boards too, just feel like I've seen an above-average number of ring complainers.

southernbelle0915

Xstatic3333 said:

I like all these simple-but-perfect proposal stories.  My FI proposed while I was doing my hair before our fancy anniversary dinner because he was too nervous to wait any longer!  It was awesome. 

The whole ring-centric attitude really bothers me.  The times I have lurked on Weddingbee (I've never had an account there) I feel like I see a lot of threads about this sort of thing.  "Is my ring too small?"  "Disappointed in my ring-what to do?"  Then, of course, I click on the thread and the ring seems gigantic to me.  I'm sure there are lots of nice people on those boards too, just feel like I've seen an above-average number of ring complainers.

Yes!! It's so ring-/consumer-centric. I know it's super common, but I was extremely uncomfortable when I got engaged and the FIRST thing most people said to me was, "Oh!! Let me see the ring!!" And after they grabbed my hand and twisted it around to inspect it they'd make even more awkward comments like, "wow! he must have spent a fortune!" or the worst "he must think you're really special" Really? I cringe thinking about how invasive and rude it was. IT'S NOT ALL ABOUT THE RING!!! Sorry, had to get that out...

Xstatic3333

I'm in total agreement.  I was actually trying to talk FI into using a more budget-friendly ring since we're just coming out of grad school and have a lot of expenses.  He surprised me with something a bit more than that, and I love it to death, but I don't get the size-competitiveness attitude.  Another friend of mine who just got engaged said she cared more about having a big ring than having a big wedding.  Different strokes, I suppose. 

Edited for grammar

annathy03

southernbelle0915 said:

Xstatic3333 said:

I like all these simple-but-perfect proposal stories.  My FI proposed while I was doing my hair before our fancy anniversary dinner because he was too nervous to wait any longer!  It was awesome. 

The whole ring-centric attitude really bothers me.  The times I have lurked on Weddingbee (I've never had an account there) I feel like I see a lot of threads about this sort of thing.  "Is my ring too small?"  "Disappointed in my ring-what to do?"  Then, of course, I click on the thread and the ring seems gigantic to me.  I'm sure there are lots of nice people on those boards too, just feel like I've seen an above-average number of ring complainers.

Yes!! It's so ring-/consumer-centric. I know it's super common, but I was extremely uncomfortable when I got engaged and the FIRST thing most people said to me was, "Oh!! Let me see the ring!!" And after they grabbed my hand and twisted it around to inspect it they'd make even more awkward comments like, "wow! he must have spent a fortune!" or the worst "he must think you're really special" Really? I cringe thinking about how invasive and rude it was. IT'S NOT ALL ABOUT THE RING!!! Sorry, had to get that out...

I HATE that!  One of my college friends (male) who I used to be good friends with was on our "maybe" list, as we haven't seen each other really since his wedding.  He commented over chat that my ring didn't look to be even a caret, and while I said with my thin fingers I thought it looked great, I mentally crossed him off our guest list right then and there.

RebeccaB88

If she doesn't want him, I'm available.  

southernbelle0915

RebeccaB88 said:

If she doesn't want him, I'm available.  

ETA: omg this is a lot bigger than I thought..

[Deleted User]

The user and all related content has been deleted.

allispain

Seriously?!? When FI and I were talking about the possibility of getting engaged, I told him that I didn't want him spending a small fortune on a ring. It's a symbol of love and commitment - not a status symbol. Geez.

And yes, simply proposals are the best! FI had something more elaborate planned (setting up a romantic picnic, yada yada yada) but ended up proposing while I was sitting on the couch because he got too nervous and couldn't wait the extra three days. It was super sweet. Two other friends got engaged around the same time, with big, elaborate proposals that took weeks to plan. I wouldn't have switched places with them for anything.

tlc35

My DH took me to brunch at our favorite restaurant and over dessert said "you are the most amazing woman I have ever met, Will you marry me?"  It was perfect.

I still have to think twice to write DH - So exciting

lyndausvi

I showed up at work one day and DH happen to be on the loading dock (he worked there also).  He says "Lyn, Lyn  I asked [boss] for the first week of JULY off to met your parents and ask their blessing to ask you to marry me".

This was FEBRUARY.   By the time July came around I had designed my own ring from a diamond MIL gave us.  He met my parents and then handed me the ring.

Miss Manner's was right on.

CLoGreenEyes

southernbelle0915 said:

RebeccaB88 said:

If she doesn't want him, I'm available.  

ETA: omg this is a lot bigger than I thought..

Can I get a "that's what she said"? Eh?

As for the "lady" from the letter: No. Just no.

southernbelle0915

radleyboo

I must be weird because I think that heirloom rings are incredibly special, and given the choice, I'd always pick a family treasure over something new.  We don't have any heirloom rings in my family, sadly.  (At least that I know about...)  FI and I shopped together and we narrowed it down to 2 that I loved, the final choice was his, and he chose brilliantly.

To the Bride in this post, I give you my favorite gif ever: