Bridesmaid Hair

1FairMaiden

Preface: Go ahead and file this one under "Twenty years from now, I will not believe I worried about this."

Anyway, I have 4 bridesmaids. Two of them are fashionista, put-together types who always look fabulous. One of them is a tomboy who likes to get dressed up for special occasions. The other (FSIL) is one who flatly told me "If you're not going to hire anyone to do my hair, I will show up with it looking the way it always does." Well... the way it always looks is long, stringy, and like she hasn't done anything with it... because she hasn't. She keeps her hair long but refuses to actually put time into doing anything with it, so it just always looks like a stringy, fly-away ridden mess.

Am I being a jerk to say "On the day of the wedding, your hair has to be done. I don't care if you do it, or one of the other girls does it. I don't care if you go to a salon, but please show up not looking disheveled." Because seriously, I don't care how any of them do their hair - up, down, curly, straight, side pony tail, bouffant bee hive, whatever - just look nice... like you put effort into it, not like you rolled out of bed and stumbled to a wedding.

I've been trying to be fairly accommodating about a lot of other aspects of their whole wedding look - keeping well within their dress budget, letting them all pick their own dress, (I picked a designer who was inexpensive, a color, and a length) I'm paying for the shipping of their dresses, I bought all of their shoes for them, and I'm providing their jewelry for the day of the wedding, (and no, that is not their bridesmaid gift) etc....

So am I going to undo all of the other things that I've been trying to do to be nice by asking that one of the girls who doesn't like to brush her hair just do something with it for this one day? Or am I being too controlling? Like I said, I'm sure that 20 years from now, I'll be like "Seriously? That is what you were worrying about?"

Thanks in advance for your input

Teddy917

Maybe you can subtly show her a picture of a hairstyle that you found in a magazine/online/anywhere and say something like, "Wow! I think this would look really gorgeous on you. Maybe you could even try it for the wedding."

NYCMercedes

1FairMaiden said:

Preface: Go ahead and file this one under "Twenty years from now, I will not believe I worried about this."

Anyway, I have 4 bridesmaids. Two of them are fashionista, put-together types who always look fabulous. One of them is a tomboy who likes to get dressed up for special occasions. The other (FSIL) is one who flatly told me "If you're not going to hire anyone to do my hair, I will show up with it looking the way it always does." Well... the way it always looks is long, stringy, and like she hasn't done anything with it... because she hasn't. She keeps her hair long but refuses to actually put time into doing anything with it, so it just always looks like a stringy, fly-away ridden mess.

Am I being a jerk to say "On the day of the wedding, your hair has to be done. I don't care if you do it, or one of the other girls does it. I don't care if you go to a salon, but please show up not looking disheveled." Because seriously, I don't care how any of them do their hair - up, down, curly, straight, side pony tail, bouffant bee hive, whatever - just look nice... like you put effort into it, not like you rolled out of bed and stumbled to a wedding.

I've been trying to be fairly accommodating about a lot of other aspects of their whole wedding look - keeping well within their dress budget, letting them all pick their own dress, (I picked a designer who was inexpensive, a color, and a length) I'm paying for the shipping of their dresses, I bought all of their shoes for them, and I'm providing their jewelry for the day of the wedding, (and no, that is not their bridesmaid gift) etc....

So am I going to undo all of the other things that I've been trying to do to be nice by asking that one of the girls who doesn't like to brush her hair just do something with it for this one day? Or am I being too controlling? Like I said, I'm sure that 20 years from now, I'll be like "Seriously? That is what you were worrying about?"

Thanks in advance for your input

I hope you're not going to worry about this in even 20 minutes, and hope you're being sarcastic with your edict. If she brings it up again, just ask her to come with a clean head and you'll take care of it. Bring some coordinating ribbon and have one of the fashionistas tie it in a pony tail. NBD No one is going to pay attention to her hair, and if they do, it will reflect only on her grooming and not on you. She is becoming your new family so try not to let it bother you.

bethsmiles

When one of my friends got married one of the BMs (the sister of the groom) showed up having done nothing with her hair. One of the other bridesmaids did a quick 5 minute up-do for her and the problem was solved.

It doesn't sound like she is unwilling to do her hair she just isn't willing to pay for it. Certainly someone can just do something simple with it the day of?

1FairMaiden

NYCMercedes said:
I hope you're not going to worry about this in even 20 minutes, and hope you're being sarcastic with your edict. If she brings it up again, just ask her to come with a clean head and you'll take care of it. Bring some coordinating ribbon and have one of the fashionistas tie it in a pony tail. NBD No one is going to pay attention to her hair, and if they do, it will reflect only on her grooming and not on you. She is becoming your new family so try not to let it bother you."

I'm not being sarcastic. I don't see anything wrong with expecting people to look minimally presentable. I'm not demanding that everyone get their hair done professionally. I'm not making any other demands about what they're supposed to look like on on the day of the wedding other than the dress, and the shoes I bought them for the ceremony. (and then if they want, they can change for the reception) 

I do absolutely agree with you, though, no one else will even think about it, and if they do, it will be a reflection on her. Still... I've been thinking about trying to talk her into getting her hair done at the salon with me that morning. I would pay for it. 

I don't think this will "ruin my day" or anything. Honestly, IMO, it comes down to respect and social appropriateness (at least, the way I was raised, though I know that isn't the same for everyone.) I wouldn't show up as a guest at a wedding without looking my best, because I would consider it disrespectful to the couple to show up to their event looking like I don't give a crap, and that would go double if I were in someone's BP. ::shrug:: But that's just me. 

bethsmiles

1FairMaiden said:

NYCMercedes said:

I hope you're not going to worry about this in even 20 minutes, and hope you're being sarcastic with your edict. If she brings it up again, just ask her to come with a clean head and you'll take care of it. Bring some coordinating ribbon and have one of the fashionistas tie it in a pony tail. NBD No one is going to pay attention to her hair, and if they do, it will reflect only on her grooming and not on you. She is becoming your new family so try not to let it bother you."

I'm not being sarcastic. I don't see anything wrong with expecting people to look minimally presentable. I'm not demanding that everyone get their hair done professionally. I'm not making any other demands about what they're supposed to look like on on the day of the wedding other than the dress, and the shoes I bought them for the ceremony. (and then if they want, they can change for the reception) 

I do absolutely agree with you, though, no one else will even think about it, and if they do, it will be a reflection on her. Still... I've been thinking about trying to talk her into getting her hair done at the salon with me that morning. I would pay for it. 

I don't think this will "ruin my day" or anything. Honestly, IMO, it comes down to respect and social appropriateness (at least, the way I was raised, though I know that isn't the same for everyone.) I wouldn't show up as a guest at a wedding without looking my best, because I would consider it disrespectful to the couple to show up to their event looking like I don't give a crap, and that would go double if I were in someone's BP. ::shrug:: But that's just me. 

You said in your OP that she was willing to have her hair done professionally if you pay for it. How is this even a problem if you are willing to do that?

1FairMaiden

bethsmiles said:

When one of my friends got married one of the BMs (the sister of the groom) showed up having done nothing with her hair. One of the other bridesmaids did a quick 5 minute up-do for her and the problem was solved.

It doesn't sound like she is unwilling to do her hair she just isn't willing to pay for it. Certainly someone can just do something simple with it the day of?

I'll talk with the other BMs about this. I like the idea, I just don't know if any of them are good at doing other people's hair... I know I'm not, haha!

1FairMaiden

You said in your OP that she was willing to have her hair done professionally if you pay for it. How is this even a problem if you are willing to do that?

Because I don't know if I can afford it. I will if I can, but I don't know if it's in the budget right now. 

Maggie0829

Honestly, if you are that concerned about her hair and making such a big deal out of it looking good then you should make room in your budget for it.  A nice wash and blow out won't cost you very much and that way she is still wearing it like she usually does but with a more finished look.  But really, in the end it does not matter what her hair looks like, but if you really are worried and stressing about it I would make it work with your budget.

1FairMaiden

Maggie0829 said:

Honestly, if you are that concerned about her hair and making such a big deal out of it looking good then you should make room in your budget for it.  A nice wash and blow out won't cost you very much and that way she is still wearing it like she usually does but with a more finished look.  But really, in the end it does not matter what her hair looks like, but if you really are worried and stressing about it I would make it work with your budget.

Makes sense to me! Thank you for that

vo0206501

I am not particular about how my bridesmaids should wear their hair because like you I believe that they should, out of respect, already have an idea/plan about how they are going to style it or have it styled. If they should ask and I say that I don't care or am not specific then it's my fault if I am not happy with their look that day, right? I have already had some friends offer to help out with hair/makeup and I know that my sister & niece are helping out with my 2 daughters so I am not planning on hiring anyone to come in and do their hair, but in your case since this IS your FSIL I would work something out with one of (or a couple of) the bridesmaids or someone that you know who does hair to make sure that everyone who needs help gets it. This way you can tell your FSIL that someone will be able to do her hair for her that day and she won't have to worry about it, but definitely talk to your girls or whomever will be doing your FSIL hair that day so that she/they can plan ahead of time. This way you can relax and not worry about it at all. She did afterall give you a heads up in the beginning!  

1FairMaiden

Well, the only reason that this whole conversation got started was because my grandmother initially offered to pay for her stylist to come in and do my hair, the BM's hair, my mothers hair, and her own hair. Awesome! But then the poor lady had to have an emergency surgery, and has backed out. I told the bridesmaids that we weren't going to have that lady there. Three of them said, "oh what a shame, I'll just do my own hair no biggie!" which I was fine with. FSIL said "if no one does it for me, it will look how it always looks." One of my bridesmaids asked me if I would feel comfortable asking my grandmother if she would consider paying for someone else, but I 1) wouldn't feel comfortable doing that, just on principle, and 2)I know that part of the reason my grandmother made the offer was because she has a relationship with this woman, and she was going to do it very in expensively. With anyone else doing it, in the area I live in, it will cost between two or three times more money. I genuinely do appreciate the feedback from all of you. Seriously, this is why I post here. Objective perspective is always helpful!

1FairMaiden

Oh jeepers. This whole thing was all for nought. (All for knot?...) The lady who my grandmother said she would pay for to come take care of everyone's hair answered her phone last night when I called her, and said she was fine, recovering well, and is already back at work. 

I told her no way should she plan on doing the wedding if she wasn't 1000% sure she would be recovered enough, but she said she was thrilled to do it, and so excited to work with a bride, and wanted to schedule my trial immediately. 

Let me also say, in regards to me saying that I would pay for FSIL to get her hair done, the reason why this makes sense for us (in my case, though I know it wouldn't in most...) is because one of my BM's has 2 very young children, and her husband travels a lot. I seriously did not expect her to commit to the hour or two commitment of being at a salon. I know having kids in a public place like that is a hassle, where as if she's just having her hair done with the rest of us at the venue, or at my Mom's house, her two kiddos can run around in the bridal suite, and we won't mind nearly as much as people would at a salon. (well... one of them can, the other one is still too little to be mobile... she's so cute!) She always looks amazing anyway, and I knew she wouldn't need help from a pro to look good. 

The other one is just weird about who does her hair, and she'll probably decline free services anyway, and choose to go get it done at her own salon that she's been going to for years. (it's what she's done for the last few weddings she's been in.) Those are the two fashionista types. 

The last one, who's a tomboy who likes to get dressed up, actually likes doing her own hair. She was excited about the prospect of having someone else do it for her, but when I said that might not happen, she really wasn't all that disappointed. She has a job where her long, gorgeous hair just gets in the way, so she always throws it up in a bun, and she loves having an excuse to do something fun with it, or, as she puts it "Acknowledge my feminine side."

So while I absolutely see how it could come across as rude to pay for one person's hair, and not the others, at the same time, it would be a real inconvenience to one of them to expect her to be at a salon, one of them would be uncomfortable with it, and the other one was just kinda like "Meh...." about not having someone else do it for her. FSIL was the only one who was excited about having someone else do it for her. That was why I would have offered to have it done.

And now... turns out it's a moot point because grandma's hair stylist is ready to go.

MissMolly

1FairMaiden said:

I'm not being sarcastic. I don't see anything wrong with expecting people to look minimally presentable. I'm not demanding that everyone get their hair done professionally. I'm not making any other demands about what they're supposed to look like on on the day of the wedding other than the dress, and the shoes I bought them for the ceremony. (and then if they want, they can change for the reception) 

I do absolutely agree with you, though, no one else will even think about it, and if they do, it will be a reflection on her. Still... I've been thinking about trying to talk her into getting her hair done at the salon with me that morning. I would pay for it. 

I don't think this will "ruin my day" or anything. Honestly, IMO, it comes down to respect and social appropriateness (at least, the way I was raised, though I know that isn't the same for everyone.) I wouldn't show up as a guest at a wedding without looking my best, because I would consider it disrespectful to the couple to show up to their event looking like I don't give a crap, and that would go double if I were in someone's BP. ::shrug:: But that's just me. 

I don't think you're being unfair or unrealistic at all. True that if she shows up unkempt, it will be a reflection of her and not you, and it probably doesn't matter in the long run. But, it is your wedding day, not a slumber party. A PP did have a good idea: if she shows up looking like she rolled out of bed, get one of your fashionista BMs to do a quick updo. Sleek ponytail, voila, done! And personally, with the leeway that you've done for them already, I really don't think that it should be up to you to also pay for her to get her hair professionally done. At my former friend's wedding, we had to buy our own dresses, shoes, accessories (except the $25 earring gift that we got), hairdo and makeup, plus shower and wedding gifts. That wedding cost me over $700 to attend as a member of the WP (it was ridiculous). Although, the bride didn't really take budgets into account for that one either!

aurianna

Alesha1978 said:

I don't think you're being unfair or unrealistic at all. True that if she shows up unkempt, it will be a reflection of her and not you, and it probably doesn't matter in the long run. But, it is your wedding day, not a slumber party. A PP did have a good idea: if she shows up looking like she rolled out of bed, get one of your fashionista BMs to do a quick updo. Sleek ponytail, voila, done! And personally, with the leeway that you've done for them already, I really don't think that it should be up to you to also pay for her to get her hair professionally done. At my former friend's wedding, we had to buy our own dresses, shoes, accessories (except the $25 earring gift that we got), hairdo and makeup, plus shower and wedding gifts. That wedding cost me over $700 to attend as a member of the WP (it was ridiculous). Although, the bride didn't really take budgets into account for that one either!

Hopefully it wasn't specific shoes and mandatory to have makeup and hair professionally done...
Bridesmaid's only responsibility is to buy the dress. If a bride is making you spend money on other things, she is in the wrong. Also no bridesmaid is required to contribute financially to a shower and gifts are never mandatory.
If OP wants the girl's hair professionally done, OP's got to pay for it. But I think she was already on board with that anyway. So yay.