Planning when you aren't close to your mom

SBmini

I've been having a lot of trouble with the planning process so far, and it has all come down to the relationship between my mom and myself. We've never been very close. She suffers from depression and anxiety and was an alcoholic for most of my childhood. As the eldest, I grew up quick and became very independent. I took care of her, my sisters and hardly ever went to her about any issue or concern.

I feel like as time goes by, my mom's anxiety is getting worse and worse. It's really starting to affect the wedding plans as I try to walk on eggshells not to upset her. It seems like I can't do anything right. I try to include my FI's family and she cries because we're supposed to do it together as mom and daughter. But she doesn't tell me this until after she says it sounds like a nice idea, I invite them, and my FSIL comes in from Vegas to help out. Then I go out of my way to do things with her and she has my dad tell me she can't go. She's shot down the venues I like, but is offering no help to find one she approves of. It's wearing me down, turning my wedding into something I don't want, and I can't deal with it any more.

I know the only solution is to voice my concerns with her. To express what I want, to figure out what she wants, and to find a middle ground we can agree on. To express how I envision planning and what I see her role as, and for her to do the same. I plan on talking to her when I go home this weekend. But I'm terrified of having this conversation with her. Her anxiety has made her incredibly difficult to talk to. I think she'll either A. start to cry and go into total guilt trip mode. or B. pretend everything is fine and then things will blow up later after she can't internalize her anger any more. 

Please help give me the strength to do this!

bethsmiles

Is she helping to pay for the wedding? Because if she is then I understanding trying to find a middle ground (money always comes with string attached) but if she isn't paying then there is no need for you to have her approval on everything.

Definitely tell her how you feel but don't let her tell you what to do. You are an adult, you make the decisions in her life and ultimately you can't let her problems become your problems. I'm sure you love her and want her to be happy but it seems like she has some issues that make this beyond your capability.

If it were me, I'd keep her informed of decisions and keep the wedding talk at a minimum in general.

SBmini

Yeah, she's paying and I can't figure out how involved she wants to be.

One week she's the "I won't tell you what to do type"

Next week she's crying because "we're supposed to do this together!"

Then she's yelling "I refuse to let you get married there!"

I don't know. I just don't know.  

bethsmiles

Turn down the money. Have the wedding you and your FI can afford. It sounds like having your mom having that much control is going to be a miserable experience for you.

SBmini

I'd get an even bigger guilt trip for pushing her out and for going against tradition than I ever will by taking the money. Fifteen years ago, one of my cousins had an inexpensive wedding that her and her husband paid for. She's been talking about how awful it was every chance she gets since then.

laurafrank79

I am so sorry!  I'm dealing with a mother who has narcissistic/paranoid issues as well and its been hearbreakingly awful.  For months it was the same exact thing- she even invited my FMIL to dress shopping then yelled at me for months after that I "should have known" that she only wanted it to be me and her!  Completely nuts!

Here's the best advice I can give you: Your mom is never going to be happy.  No matter what you do, its never going to be good enough.  The best thing to do is continue to be kind, sweet and helpful with your mom and try not to take her actions personally.  Focus on planning the wedding that's best for you and your fiance and do whatever you can to keep the peace. 

I also considered turning down the money from my family but I know that would have made things 10x worse in the long run.  Just try to be the best person possible to your mother and I promise you that it will get easier. 

SBmini

She's been sober since I was a teenager. 

I am not looking to run away from this problem. As I've said, taking her out of planning and paying for the wedding myself would upset her far more than anything else I can do. She uses money to apologize for our childhoods. I would take that away from her and cause a much bigger rift and problem than I ever would from confronting her with my concerns and trying to plan the wedding with her.

I want to try and make this work. I want a relationship with my mom and I'm hoping that the wedding can be a pathway for us to be closer, instead of a process that pulls us apart even further. 

I need support for making this work, not an escape route.

tammym1001

Maybe you could try coming to her with a more logical approach. "Mom, we have to book a venue by x date. Do you have any places that you would like to go look at?" If she says no then you can continue to look at venues on your own and when it gets close to the date that you need to book you can tell her you guys have to make a final decision and you like x,y, and z banquet halls. If she has definite deadlines maybe that will help her focus on what needs to get done.

allispain

I want to try and make this work. I want a relationship with my mom and I'm hoping that the wedding can be a pathway for us to be closer, instead of a process that pulls us apart even further. 

Tell her this - that you want to build a better relationship with her and you don't want the wedding to get in the way of that. Explain to her kindly but firmly that her you understand that planning a wedding can make anyone anxious, but her anxiety is starting to cause you to feel overly stressed. Go into the conversation with the mindset that you will set the tone for it - if she starts crying and guilt tripping, tell her you're going to give her a moment to compose herself and then leave the room for a second (grab a glass of water, take a stroll around the block, etc.). 

Narrow things down for her. Pick two venues you would be really happy using, and then go to her and say "We have these two options. A and B. Do you have a preference? If not, FI and I will choose one." Do the same with caterers, photographers, etc. if you're going to include her in those decisions.

Don't let her guilt trip you into feeling badly for wanting to include your FI's family in your wedding plans. Many people who had crappy childhoods, alcohol parents, etc. (myself included) want to form strong bonds with our SO's family if they are loving and stable. It gives us something we felt we lacked as children. And there is nothing wrong with that desire.

SBmini

All of you are spot on in explaining my mom. She never talks about anything from the past, uses favors to buy our love, etc. She needs help, but she's not looking for it. She has not been super involved in the planning process. She's not planning things without me, for example, thus far the challenge has been her way of letting her opinion be known when it comes to venue. That's been stressful for me because when I want an outdoor venue and she says "no dirt" really limits my options.

What's been broken won't be fixed between now and when I get married. I wish it were different, but it's not. I've gotta do what I can to make the best of a bad situation. Trust me, if I could I totally would reject the money and pay for it ourselves. But it's just not the right thing to do. My fiance and I bought a house a year ago, we want to start a family soon. We have other things to spend the money on that will last longer than a single day. 

We also both come from large and close knit families. My family has not had a wedding since 2007 and the last time we got together was for my cousin Katie's memorial service. She was three months younger than me and was killed in a car crash four days before Christmas. My family needs a wedding, and I want to give it to them. But I don't want to risk our future financial stability to do so. So if it means a little bit of hell with my mom, I'll take it.

Today my sister and I looked at a compromise venue. It had an outdoor ceremony space but a lot of concerete, like she wanted. I didn't like it at all and realized I was giving up too much. I spoke to my fiance and to my dad. I let my dad know that I really wanted an outdoor ceremony and that it may mean that there is a little dirt and I need mom to be OK with that. He was very sympathetic as he's the one I got the explorer gene for. He's better at talking to my mom than I am so I hope he's able to bring it up in a diplomatic way. Tomorrow we're going to look at a garden and arboretum option that will hopefully be a good balance of manicured and natural to suit my desires while pleasing her.

I thank you all for your support and words of wisdom. There's been some great ideas posted here that will help me include her while still getting what I want. That is exactly what I need.

MissMolly

Having that conversation with her isn't your only option. If I were you, I would just stop telling her wedding details, plain and simple. It's your wedding, and unless she is paying for the venue, it really doesn't matter what she thinks of it. However, if she is paying for it, then she does get some say. But, if the thought of having that conversation with her stresses you out that much, just don't do it.

SBmini

We've come a long way this weekend. She's starting to see where I'm coming from and has dropped a lot of her conditions. I'm still having some philosophical disagreements with her on roles, but I think we can get through those with some more talking.

allispain

Glad to hear things are going better -  hope you find a great venue soon that you can all agree on (this based on your other thread about venue difficulties).