Asked Best Man and he said no.

nwwoodsybride

My FI is asking his friends to be in the WP this week and his best friend said no when he was asked to be best man. At first he said he thought he could but he had a family thing that he was sure he could get out of. He then called back later and said his parents would be really disappointed if he didn't come, and that they've planned it for 6 months, and maybe he could cut his visit short but then he'd miss all the WP events and so there'd be no point. 

My FI is incredibly hurt. He was in his wedding last year and feel like his friend was onboard until he talked to his parents. It's not like he can't visit his family a different time or that anyone is ill, or there's an emergency. He imagined his best friend at his wedding. 

Has anyone asked a close friend to be in their WP and they said no? My FI pretty mellow and doesn't show a lot of emotion but he's been down all day.

Jen4948

My SIL asked a close friend of hers to be one of her bridesmaids, but she backed out at the last minute. I think she was pretty hurt, but she let it go.

Sadly, sometimes life gets in the way of our nearest and dearest being willing to be available for our weddings, even when we are in theirs.  The best thing to do is get over it.  Your FI will have other close friends and relatives to be attendants, won't he?

Simply Fated

nwwoodsybride said:

My FI is asking his friends to be in the WP this week and his best friend said no when he was asked to be best man. At first he said he thought he could but he had a family thing that he was sure he could get out of. He then called back later and said his parents would be really disappointed if he didn't come, and that they've planned it for 6 months, and maybe he could cut his visit short but then he'd miss all the WP events and so there'd be no point. 

My FI is incredibly hurt. He was in his wedding last year and feel like his friend was onboard until he talked to his parents. It's not like he can't visit his family a different time or that anyone is ill, or there's an emergency. He imagined his best friend at his wedding. 

Has anyone asked a close friend to be in their WP and they said no? My FI pretty mellow and doesn't show a lot of emotion but he's been down all day.

Can he still make the ceremony? Because then there would be a point. The entire point of a wedding is the ceremony. If he can make that, then you're golden.

AJuliaNJ

I had a bridesmaid back out. I felt hurt at the time, but just told her I understood. It hasn't had any effect on my wedding or our friendship at all. 

You can't control what people do even if you don't understand or would have done something completely different in the same situation. You're better off just accepting it and being happy with your current wedding party.

nwwoodsybride

I agree that if he can make the ceremony that's what we really care about. I'm not sure why he wouldn't see that as an option.  We're not able to move it back because my best friend is moving Sept 1st. The other date we had open was the first weekend in Aug, but we got engaged a week and a half ago and I can't imagine having even less time. I thought FI had asked him in advance as we spent last week making sure our VIP's were free. We've already ordered invites. 

I'm sure down the road it will be fine, it just stinks. 

nwwoodsybride

I think FI is hurt because for him he'd cancel whatever to be at a best friend's wedding. That it's not an emergency or a vacation... it's just a family get together. In the end he has good friends and we get to get married, he just wasn't expecting his best friend not to be there. 

nwwoodsybride

Thanks. And I think you're right. All the people we're inviting are very close friends and family so we need to not be hurt if they can't make it. Our wedding is about 2 and a half months away, so it's short notice. Since our guest list is small we pretty much asked them all if they were free before deciding the date, my FI just didn't ask for some reason. 

QueerFemme

nwwoodsybride said:

I think FI is hurt because for him he'd cancel whatever to be at a best friend's wedding. That it's not an emergency or a vacation... it's just a family get together. In the end he has good friends and we get to get married, he just wasn't expecting his best friend not to be there. 

It's really not up to you to determine how important "just a family get together" is to someone else.  Maybe in his family, those are very important events.  You waited until next to the last minute to ask someone to be in the wedding...  I really have to say, this is your FI's fault, not the best friends.  I understand him being dissapointed, but he/you shouldn't be putting your expectations or standards on other people.  So, your FI would "cancel whatever" to be there.  Most people wouldn't.  Lesson learned.

aurianna

Family definitely comes first.
Your wedding is never as important to anyone else as it is to you and your groom. So please don't be too hurt that he's choosing his family over your wedding.

Seriously, if they've already been planning it for six months (eight months by the time it rolls around) it's clearly a big deal to his family. There must have been a lot of coordination involved between family members, and possibly special events going on.

I definitely understand why your FI is disappointed, but this guy is being a good son rather than a bad friend.

ETA:
How far away is your friend moving? Can you make the date sometime this fall and pay to fly her in?

AMS482

Family certainly comes first. And while your FI is upset, I'm sure that his friend is just as equally sad he can't be there for your big day. I was supposed to be MOH in my (now former) best friends wedding. My dad passed away, I had to step down from her wedding. She hasn't spoken to me since and I still feel horrible for not being able to be by her side, but I was grateful to be able to spend that time with my family. 

Xstatic3333

AMS482 said:

Family certainly comes first. And while your FI is upset, I'm sure that his friend is just as equally sad he can't be there for your big day. I was supposed to be MOH in my (now former) best friends wedding. My dad passed away, I had to step down from her wedding. She hasn't spoken to me since and I still feel horrible for not being able to be by her side, but I was grateful to be able to spend that time with my family. 

That is horrible!  I am so sorry that happened to you.  What an awful way to treat a friend.

nwwoodsybride

AMS482 said:

Family certainly comes first. And while your FI is upset, I'm sure that his friend is just as equally sad he can't be there for your big day. I was supposed to be MOH in my (now former) best friends wedding. My dad passed away, I had to step down from her wedding. She hasn't spoken to me since and I still feel horrible for not being able to be by her side, but I was grateful to be able to spend that time with my family. 

Wow what a lack of compassion your friend showed! I'm so sorry. 

FI's other friends are free for that date. Can't believe we've been engaged 2 weeks already. 

hockeywife10

Fi's best friend was in our wedding, up until they went for their fitting. GM didn't realize his parents 50th anniversary party was the exact same time as our wedding. Everyone was very disappointed, and I even offered to change our date by a week, but GM wouldn't hear of it. He thought it was neat that we will share our weeding day with his parents, and will join us at the reception. Sure we are all disappointed, but it hasn't caused any problems with their friendship.

PhoneCardLady

I have not asked anyone as of yet to be in my WP, but when I was speaking about the WP in general, I stated that I wouldn't expect them to buy bridesmaid dresses, but a nice dress/skirt& blouse/dress suit in my wedding colors.  They could go anywhere they wanted, including the Salvation Army.

I was totally shocked when she came back with the fact she was unemployed (at the time) and she didn't wear dresses and/or skirts.

I don't think I was being a bridezilla.    My only request would be color and would need to be a dress.  Needless to say I'm thinking long and hard if I want to even have a wedding party.

QueerFemme

PhoneCardLady said:

I have not asked anyone as of yet to be in my WP, but when I was speaking about the WP in general, I stated that I wouldn't expect them to buy bridesmaid dresses, but a nice dress/skirt& blouse/dress suit in my wedding colors.  They could go anywhere they wanted, including the Salvation Army.

I was totally shocked when she came back with the fact she was unemployed (at the time) and she didn't wear dresses and/or skirts.

I don't think I was being a bridezilla.    My only request would be color and would need to be a dress.  Needless to say I'm thinking long and hard if I want to even have a wedding party.

Why would you try to force someone to wear a skirt or a dress when they don't like wearing skirts or dresses. Why wouldn't you be ok with a pair of pants and a nice button up in your wedding colors?

AMS482

Thanks, ladies!

@NWWOODSYBRIDE - It's good FI has other friends available. Will the original guy he wanted as BM come to the wedding at least? Hopefully their friendship isn't on the rocks. 

ambercarter123

Why would you try to force someone to wear a skirt or a dress when they don't like wearing skirts or dresses. Why wouldn't you be ok with a pair of pants and a nice button up in your wedding colors?

I disagree with this. I don't think it is too much to ask someone to wear a dress if they are in your wedding. Just because they don't like wearing skirts or dresses doesn't mean they can't wear one on one day of their life. That's like saying it's a crime to have my bridesmaid wear purple if she hates the color purple. Maybe help offer to pay if it's really that big of an issue. 

ambercarter123

Family certainly comes first. And while your FI is upset, I'm sure that his friend is just as equally sad he can't be there for your big day. I was supposed to be MOH in my (now former) best friends wedding. My dad passed away, I had to step down from her wedding. She hasn't spoken to me since and I still feel horrible for not being able to be by her side, but I was grateful to be able to spend that time with my family.

This is horrible! I am speechless. Out of all the reasons for one to back out of a wedding I definitely think this is one that should be understandable, no questions asked. And a true friend would care about what you are going through, not just the fact that it is her wedding. Sounds like you are better off without her!

nwwoodsybride

AMS482 hopefully he'll come to some of the other events. FI has gotten over it and it's funny because 2 of his other friend's won't make it because they're in other wedding events and he didn't get phased, just asked other friends. His good friend/roommate's wedding is the week after ours. He feels really good about the guys he has now and he even asked my brother, who is pretty excited. 

I'm also going to be in my friend's wedding as well in Aug (3 weddings in a row!) and originally her mom didn't want us to get married in July, Aug, or Sept because it would be too close to her daughter's wedding. It's weird how this stuff can get so emotionally charged!

stantokm

I'll echo what a PP said about you guys not getting to determine the importance of your friend's family event.  One of my BMs is getting married soon and when she asked me to be in her wedding party, I agreed, but on the condition that my cousin's wedding wasn't the same weekend (he already had his date set and she was looking to set hers in the same month).  If his family thing was planned six months in advance, it sounds important or at least not easy to change.  I know how disappointed you and your fiance are, but keep in mind that he's not declining because he doesn't want to be there.