XP: Family awkwarness. Suggestions appreciated!

suzie211

XP from NEY:

I am really close to my family with the exception of my mom's brother.  My mother did her best to hide some of the awful, selfish things he did from us while we were younger.  As an adult, I can see with my own eyes just how awful a person he is.  Between his selfishness, his gay bashing, and irresponsible behavior I couldn't handle him anymore, and I chose to cut him out of my life.  He is not invited to my wedding.  FI and I are choosing to only spend the day with people we love.  Right now he is not on that list.

Yesterday he sent me a message asking to be invited to the wedding.  I have not returned it.  I haven't talked to him in almost two years and am not going to return a rude message to start.

My question is how to handle this with the rest of my family?  My mom's side of the family is well aware of my opinion of my uncle.  He and my mother rarely speak unless its absolutely necessary.  Although he does have more contact with my aunt and her children.  I'm guessing this is where he learned of my wedding.   I know this is an awkward situation for them, and these are my issues with him and not theirs.  I'm afraid he will bully them for information on the wedding and try to weasel his way in through them.

Would you contact them letting them know you are aware of the situation they may be put in, or just let the invites (or lack of) speak for themselves?

TIA

Peledreamsofrain

I wouldn't keep it a secret from your family that you are not inviting your father.  If you suspect he will show up, hire security to watch for him at the door.

yellowrose314

@peledreamsofrain it's actually her uncle... Not her father.

Simply Fated

I wouldn't contact them. By contacting them and talking about it, you're allowing them to get involved and inviting them to voice their opinion. You would be the one putting them in an awkward situation rather than the uncle.

kerbohl

Let the invites speak for themselves with the rest of the family.  As for the uncle - I'd be inclined to send him a message back saying that only close family and friends are invited, just so as to not leave him hanging.  But that might end up poorly, so I'll let you use discretion with how to respond to his inappropriate asking for an invite. 
I'm not inviting all my aunts and uncles.  It's not that they are horrible people, but I am closer to some than others.  Hopefully the ones not invited will understand. 

Xstatic3333

We had to leave off one of FI's uncles. Nobody has directly asked us about it, but we know from his mom that the gossip has spread like wildfire through the family and some are displeased. We are prepared that he may be rude to us at family functions, and are ok with it. If anyone asks us why, we are going change the subject/bean dip. Really, given the reason he's not invited (recent jail time for putting his gf in the hospital) I am shocked that FI's mom is anticipating pushback on this.

Stay strong, but I wouldn't bring it up to the family. If they bring it up to you, I like kerbohl's wording about close friends and family only.

allispain

I definitely would not contact your aunt about this since, since as PP said, that opens you up to having her try to convince you to change your mind (especially if he's putting pressure on her about it). Let the invitations speak for themselves. 

Depending on family dynamics, you could also have a family member (your mom or someone else who's on your side in not inviting him) quietly spread the word that he's not a part of your life and therefore has not been invited. Again, going this route totally depends on the individual dynamics in your family.

Kate61487

I would let the invitations speak for themselves.  If someone asks about it I would give a succinct answer and THEN bean dip (just ignoring the question altogether can cause confusion and unnecessary drama).

 

I would also be inclined to respond to him, just to make it clear, but if you think responding will open him up to more questions that's your call.

southernbelle0915

I wouldn't talk to or involve your other family members about it - it's not their concern and the receipt of an invitation is a clear indicator of who is invited and who isn't.

I would, however, respond to your uncle's message (it's rude not to) and let him know that he is not invited. How you word that is up to you. Something like, "Sorry, Uncle John. We were only able to invite close friends and family." If the relationship is how you describe, he obviously knows you aren't close.

suzie211

Thank you all for the responses. I do agree that keeping other family members out of this is best, and will not contact them unless they ask about his invite specifically.  I have a really small family and they all are aware of my feelings towards my uncle, so it isn't something I need to broadcast again.  This is my stance on my uncle, and I would prefer not to have them stuck in the middle. If they want a relationship with him, I am 100% okay with the decision.  However if they do ask, I'll let them know its only those we are closest to being invited.

I am more concerned about him crashing.  He likes to play the victim and make things all about him, and I am more concerned that if he did show up he would make a scene.  FI and I are both adamant that he not be invited.  I will work with my venue coordinator to let her know this could potentially be a problem, and figure out a solution if he does show up.  We didn't worry about this for my sister's wedding because he had even less contact with my side of the family, and wasn't active on social media. Now even being not invited to many family functions he's shown up because of seeing it on social media.

I understand the point of not returning his text potentially being rude.  I however did not give him my phone number, because I had cut off contact with him.  He got it from another family member, and I was not happy about this.  I also have blocked him from contacting me on any type of social media.  He's well aware of my feelings about him, but likes to act as if he did nothing wrong and is the victim in the situation. By not returning his message, I feel it makes it very clear I do not want to communicate with him.  Because my mother does still have some contact with him, I've asked her to pass on the message that we are only inviting those we are closest to. 

cmalork

I agree with the other PP. We are not having certain cousins on my FI's side at the wedding because they have been nothing but rude and would just be there to get drunk and make fools of themselves. We are letting the invites speak for themselves. If they crash... that is what security is for....

gmcr78

Personally, I don't feel that you owe him any response or anyone an explanation.  The invitations speak for themselves, end of story.

I'd be really irritated at the fact that a family member gave him your phone number.

Jen4948

Don't invite him or contact your aunt and cousins about this.  But have security ready to escort him out if he does show up.

And find out which family member gave him your contact information, and let them know that this was not okay and they are not to give it out again without your permission.

pesematology

I have family members that are not welcome at my wedding. I've gotten good at calmly saying, "Hm, I don't really think I'd like that." as if I had to think about it really hard, whenever they invite themselves to things.