Wedding Etiquette Forum

How much say does the bride's family have?

SBminiSBmini member
500 Love Its 1000 Comments Second Anniversary Name Dropper
edited June 2013 in Wedding Etiquette Forum
Problem solved, thank you all
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Re: How much say does the bride's family have?

  • I had this exact same argument but with my FI involving family involvement.  We are paying for our own wedding - it's just that he was ignoring that I WANTED my parents and sister to have some say, and he thought that his opinion completely trumped everything no matter what and they didn't get a say. So it was the opposite end of the spectrum.
     
    I would just talk to your mom honestly and tell her what you have said - it's FI wedding as well as yours, and times have changed to let grooms have a big say in how their special day goes down.  When I felt like my FI was not letting my family share their opinions and was taking over wedding planning, I had a chat with him.  It was unpleasant at first and did end in a fight, but we resolved it and it has made the planning easier.   

  • hordolhordol member
    100 Love Its 100 Comments First Answer First Anniversary
    edited June 2013
    I see your point, but your mom has a point, too. Both my parents and FI's parents contributed a little money and thankfully didn't demand anything and let us spend it how we see fit, but if your mom is offering the money with the stipulation that she gets final say, then you have to accept that if you want to accept her money. Otherwise you can save up the money on your own and only you and your FI will have a say.

    It is a little ridiculous for your mom to say that you get a say but your FI doesn't though, at this point I would think she should start to think of him like a son as well. If not, then maybe you and your FI should make decisions and discuss things on your own at first and get on the same page. Then you can be the one to present it to your mom.
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  • Those who pay have the say. If you don't like your mom's wedding planning philosophy and want your FI's opinions to be considered more, then you should decline your parents money. That's pretty much your only recourse.
    ^ what she said. You can talk to her until you're blue in the face but its her money and she can spend it as she wishes. Should she take both your opinions into account? Yes. But she doesn't have to unfortunately.

    After 6 years and 2 boys, finally tying the knot on October 27th, 2013!

  • If you're being so traditional, is she paying them a dowry? Have you guys had sex? You've obviously met, so that one is out. Some traditions are better off dead. 

    Decline the money and pay for your own wedding. I would be furious if my mom said anything like that about my FI. Don't throw him under the bus, it's his wedding, too. 
  • edited June 2013
    While many people think "traditional"  roles are outdated and obsolete these days, your mom obviously doesn't agree and is moving forward with this as the foundation of planning. If you want to accept their offer to pay for a portion/all of your wedding, you deal with the strings attached and respect them even though it's not what you/FI would have done. If you/FI want to do whatever you/FI want, you/FI pay for it yourselves. Then you can take suggestions, but you can toss them in the trash if you don't like them and no one "gets a say" except you and FI.

    If you are going to allow them to pay, you need to find a way to respect their contribution/say, keep the peace, compromise, and pick and choose your battles. If you don't, you'll go nuts. 

    ETA: punctuation
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  • Those who pay have the say. If you don't like your mom's wedding planning philosophy and want your FI's opinions to be considered more, then you should decline your parents money. That's pretty much your only recourse.


    When it comes down to it this is really your only failsafe option.

    You could try a "What I want is for FI and his family to have some input; so if my opinion is one of the ones that counts then they need to be involved too" approach.  Or you could decline to give your opinion on anything until you and your FI have discussed it and gotten on the same page so you're presenting your joint opinion as your individual opinion. (But at some point that probably won't work; like when she wants to cut great uncle bob from the guest list and you're trying to convince her that it's legitimately YOUR desire to keep him on and not your FMIL's)

    If it were me I would probably sit down with mom (and dad) and say "FI and I are SO greatly appreciative of your generosity, offering to pay for our wedding.  However; I need to know that this will still be OUR wedding day, and that what we want will take precedence.  If that's not the case I'm afraid we'll have to decline your offer".  And then you have to actually be prepared to turn down their offer....

  • Just be your FI's representative (assuming your mom is taking your opinions into account). Make decisions with FI before discussing with mom and then present her with BOTH of y'all's opinion. As the payor she gets final say. Sorry, but those are the breaks.
  • Since they are paying, they do get a say, but yes your FI say is important. You didn't give examples of things your mom be over-ruling. Wait until things come up and cross each bridge as you come up. Some of the traditional things your mom ends up insisting on, may not even really end up being issues. Best phrase we learned during the wedding process was smile and say "That's a great idea, I'll keep that in mind."

    Pick and choose your battles on what things you fight for. My mom insisted there be flowers at church (which I thought would get lost in beauty of the old alter, and they did) but I gave in. It wasn't worth it to fight over and she was happy. Other things, I stood firm on, usually explaining why I was standing firm, and she would understand, or at least pretend to. After all, hubby & I paid for almost everything (his parents paid for RD, they insisted, and my parents gifted me my dress)

  • There's stuff in the etiquette book about cash bars...

    Snark aside, how is your mom being overbearing? Can you make decisions with your FI first and then run them by her? Just be aware that she gets to spend her money how she'd like - stuff for your wedding included. 
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  • mlg78mlg78 member
    500 Love Its 1000 Comments Second Anniversary 5 Answers

    My mom has a bit of an overbearing personality so when she offered to pay for the wedding I said that everything will be narrowed down to two things she agrees on (whether it's the cake, reception venue...whatever) and then my fiancé and I will make the final decision.  If we can't agree upon two for us to choose from then it becomes something that my fiancé and I will pay for ourselves.

     

    So far, this has worked wonderfully for the most part.  My mom isn't the limo or videographer type so I knew that going in that we'd foot the bill on those two things which is fine.  The only thing I regret is letting her push me towards my wedding dress that I'm totally not in love with and I wish I'd held my ground.  See if this option might work for you guys!

  • I agree with the PP. My family is paying for most of the wedding and my FI and I are paying for the rest. My FI's parents are not helping so they are not getting a say in anything. I am listening to opinions but that's it. My FI and I will have the final say and that is how my mom feels as well. If they pay they do get a say... I would sit down with your mom and calmly explain how you are feeling...
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  • I think is really a case by case thing.

    Your mom should have more say in something like the venues, since she is paying.  However FI should have complete say in say his tux.   Just because she is paying doesn't mean she should have say over the colors.    Mom should have say over the cake in terms of baker, size as they pertain to costs, but I think you and FI should have more say over flavors.

    Basically unless you give examples it's hard to say.






    What differentiates an average host and a great host is anticipating unexpressed needs and wants of their guests.  Just because the want/need is not expressed, doesn't mean it wouldn't be appreciated. 
  • SBminiSBmini member
    500 Love Its 1000 Comments Second Anniversary Name Dropper
    Here's some more context- I found a venue I like but my fiance isn't a big fan. My mom is saying that his opinion doesn't really matter because he's not paying and that my opinion and my parents opinion carry more weight because we're the bride and the bride's family. I just fundamentally disagree with that. I don't think it is right for her to play the "you're not paying" card when ever something she doesn't like happens.  As others have said, it isn't the right first step in accepting his family in as her family and has the potential to cause a lot of arguments.
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  • mlg78mlg78 member
    500 Love Its 1000 Comments Second Anniversary 5 Answers
    SBmini said:
    Here's some more context- I found a venue I like but my fiance isn't a big fan. My mom is saying that his opinion doesn't really matter because he's not paying and that my opinion and my parents opinion carry more weight because we're the bride and the bride's family. I just fundamentally disagree with that. I don't think it is right for her to play the "you're not paying" card when ever something she doesn't like happens.  As others have said, it isn't the right first step in accepting his family in as her family and has the potential to cause a lot of arguments.

    I think you need to keep your discussions with your fiancé private and away from your parents.  That way when you come to a conclusion about this venue you simply say "We do/don't think this is the right venue for us." ...not "I" or "he".
  • SBminiSBmini member
    500 Love Its 1000 Comments Second Anniversary Name Dropper
    And for further clarification-- his family has offered to help out financially. They've said they'd cover any difference if we found a venue we liked that was over budget and they will be paying for alcohol as well, which is a pretty hefty sum of money. However, his parents are blue-collar immigrants who make- at most- half of what my parents make in a year. I think it's rude to think that her check book removes his family from the process when A. she offered to pay B. she knows their financial situation and C. they are in fact paying for things she doesn't want to cover. 
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  • Why does your mom like the venue?   Why doesn't your FI like the venue?  

    I'm weighing more on mom's side.  

    Think of it this way.  If you were hosting a bridal shower, as the host you have the final say on what venue you plan to use.  Sure you want to have the bride happy, but bottom line you are the one paying so you get the say.  

     It sounds like you mom is the host of the wedding.  So yeah she does get more of the say on where she wants to spend thousands of dollars of her own money.

    Is there another location that has the things your mom likes about this venue that also has things that your FI likes?






    What differentiates an average host and a great host is anticipating unexpressed needs and wants of their guests.  Just because the want/need is not expressed, doesn't mean it wouldn't be appreciated. 
  • @SBmini - there's no need to share FI and your disagreements with your parents. You two decide between yourselves and then you bring that to your parents. That way, your parents will not be given the opportunity to play that card.

    I'm including my parents in the planning quite a bit. They are footing most of the bill and I just really like spending time with them. The only area in which I had trouble with them is the guest list. But with cakes, dresses, venues, food, etc. I brought them along and took their opinion into consideration. I was lucky that they were agreeable and actually, my mom and FI seemed to have the same opinion on almost everything. So it's worked out really well.
  • zoberg said:
    @SBmini - there's no need to share FI and your disagreements with your parents. You two decide between yourselves and then you bring that to your parents. That way, your parents will not be given the opportunity to play that card. I'm including my parents in the planning quite a bit. They are footing most of the bill and I just really like spending time with them. The only area in which I had trouble with them is the guest list. But with cakes, dresses, venues, food, etc. I brought them along and took their opinion into consideration. I was lucky that they were agreeable and actually, my mom and FI seemed to have the same opinion on almost everything. So it's worked out really well.
    This really depends on how your parents giving you the wedding.

    Some parents say "hey here is "x" amount of money, have fun".   Great

    Others (like my own) say "we want to give you a wedding".  They are not gifting us MONEY for the wedding, they are gifting us the WEDDING itself.    

     It's like a MOH wanting to host a shower for the bride.  The MOH is not handing over the money to the bride.  Nope she plans the event, picks the venue, food, etc.    Hopefully she is taking the brides likes/dislikes/etc into consideration.

    Now my parents are responsible people and took both our feelings into consideration.   We TOGETHER planned the wedding.  

    The OP needs to figure out if she wants to accept her mom's offer of hosting a wedding or not.  






    What differentiates an average host and a great host is anticipating unexpressed needs and wants of their guests.  Just because the want/need is not expressed, doesn't mean it wouldn't be appreciated. 
  • SBminiSBmini member
    500 Love Its 1000 Comments Second Anniversary Name Dropper
    Back story- my fiance and I live in Phoenix. My parents live in South Orange County, his family lives in Los Angeles. Most of my family will need to fly in for the wedding while most of his is local. 

    I'm in town right now to look at venues, my fiance is back home in Arizona. I found the venue by chance today and brought them over. They liked the venue because it is close and convenient for them and meets my mom's criteria of no dirt while meeting my criteria of being outdoors with oak trees. The venue is a local vineyard. 

    My fiance didn't think it was all that special to warrant a 90 minute drive for his family. He thinks if we have the wedding far enough away that most of his family will opt for a hotel, we might as well look at Santa Barbara or somewhere more special.

    My parents know my fiance's feelings because they were talking about how much they liked the venue and I had to tell them that the search was still on. 

    Since that conversation happened my fiance has told me that he no longer cares where the wedding is. I know he does care, he's just tired of the process.
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  • SBminiSBmini member
    500 Love Its 1000 Comments Second Anniversary Name Dropper
    lyndausvi said:
    zoberg said:
    @SBmini - there's no need to share FI and your disagreements with your parents. You two decide between yourselves and then you bring that to your parents. That way, your parents will not be given the opportunity to play that card. I'm including my parents in the planning quite a bit. They are footing most of the bill and I just really like spending time with them. The only area in which I had trouble with them is the guest list. But with cakes, dresses, venues, food, etc. I brought them along and took their opinion into consideration. I was lucky that they were agreeable and actually, my mom and FI seemed to have the same opinion on almost everything. So it's worked out really well.
    This really depends on how your parents giving you the wedding.

    Some parents say "hey here is "x" amount of money, have fun".   Great

    Others (like my own) say "we want to give you a wedding".  They are not gifting us MONEY for the wedding, they are gifting us the WEDDING itself.    

     It's like a MOH wanting to host a shower for the bride.  The MOH is not handing over the money to the bride.  Nope she plans the event, picks the venue, food, etc.    Hopefully she is taking the brides likes/dislikes/etc into consideration.

    Now my parents are responsible people and took both our feelings into consideration.   We TOGETHER planned the wedding.  

    The OP needs to figure out if she wants to accept her mom's offer of hosting a wedding or not.  
    I never thought about it that way, but I think you are right. The gift is the wedding, not the money. Fortunately, or unfortunately depending on your mindset, that means that I do all the planning and she just says yes or no. I've been getting a lot of no's. 
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  • SBminiSBmini member
    500 Love Its 1000 Comments Second Anniversary Name Dropper
    They know his family's financial details because my parents have been to his parents' house and they know what they do for a living. It's no secret that my family is better off than theirs is. 
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  • You know you FI better than us, but initially he could have been just jumped the gun on the venue then after giving it more thought he changed his mind.   I know I've done that before.

    It looks like you are in a research phase.  Still look around, there might be another place even better.  






    What differentiates an average host and a great host is anticipating unexpressed needs and wants of their guests.  Just because the want/need is not expressed, doesn't mean it wouldn't be appreciated. 
  • mlg78mlg78 member
    500 Love Its 1000 Comments Second Anniversary 5 Answers
    I agree with your fiancé.  If you have the ability to be somewhat convenient for about half your guests, try to do so.  That's my frame of mind, at least...  Having it 90 minutes away from the local people makes it an inconvenience for nearly everyone involved.
  • SBminiSBmini member
    500 Love Its 1000 Comments Second Anniversary Name Dropper
    edited June 2013
    I'm in the "Why the F@$% can I not find a venue" phase.

    Six weeks of searching
    300 places looked at online
    50 places contacted
    8 venues seen in person, three more on the list for today depending on their availability.

    I have the problem of falling in love with the first venue I looked at, but my fiance and mom didn't like it. But it's making it hard for me to find a place that I like as much as that one. Depending on what I hear from the new places today I will either be moving onto the "Save the date" phase or to the "I give up I'm getting a planner phase" 
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  • SBminiSBmini member
    500 Love Its 1000 Comments Second Anniversary Name Dropper
    mlg78 said:
    I agree with your fiancé.  If you have the ability to be somewhat convenient for about half your guests, try to do so.  That's my frame of mind, at least...  Having it 90 minutes away from the local people makes it an inconvenience for nearly everyone involved.
    I know... and it's not for lack of trying to keep it close, trust me. All the places that are near by that I like are booked for next year or have something about them that ruled them out. It's hard when his guests live in a city and I want a country wedding. I thought I could give up on the natural environment I desire and have it somewhere in town, but I didn't like my options at all.
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  • keochankeochan member
    Fifth Anniversary 100 Love Its 100 Comments Name Dropper
    edited June 2013
    nvm I misread
  • SBminiSBmini member
    500 Love Its 1000 Comments Second Anniversary Name Dropper
    We've made progress. I have successfully communicated my fiance's concerns about the venue and gotten her to see his point of view. 
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  • KDM323KDM323 member
    Knottie Warrior 500 Love Its 500 Comments Name Dropper
    edited June 2013
    Why not have your wedding in Arizona where you and your FI live and let both of your families travel?

    You might find something more affordable AND that you like better there.
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  • SBminiSBmini member
    500 Love Its 1000 Comments Second Anniversary Name Dropper
    We seriously considered getting married in Zion National Park. We keep going back to it as a potential idea, although it would not be easy logistically. I'd prefer to either get married where it's easy for the most people, or get married in Zion.
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  • How about getting married in 2015 so that you have more venue options?

    "Love is the one thing we're capable of perceiving that transcends time and space."


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