Guest List Dilemma

soontobemrsbuccheri

We asked our parents to give us their lists when we were looking at venues.  Once we booked one, we asked them for addresses for those on the list. We've advised ALL parents involved that we are paying for the wedding ourselves and that our minimum of 140 will be met or just under.  If we go over, it's more money out of our pockets and we want to keep the budget some what do-able and not go over board.  They all understood.

My family is significantly larger than FI's family. My mom's original list had about 30 people (of which I had already jotted down 20 of them from memory)...NBD in my head.  Fi's mom gave her list of maybe 10/15 people and his father hasn't given his list as of yet (fi's parents are divorced).  So with the preliminary lists (including our friends/coworkers/bridal party) in an excel spread sheet we were at maybe 120 and had room to add some more.  We ordered our STD's about a week and a half ago in hopes that we'd get them this week and out by mid week next week.  Well, they are due to be delivered today (whoop! 3 days ahead of schedule!) and we both plan to have them out by this weekend.  With that said, we asked our parents once the order had been placed, to get us the list of addresses ASAP so we could put it into excel and create our labels for mailing. We told them we wanted the list no later than Tuesday evening.  No problem there. 

I received my mother's list today.  It went from the 30 that she originally had to over 70!!!! She is inviting family that we haven't seen in over 5 years!! And of course 3/4 of the list has check marks next to the people she would like an invite to go out to.  I updated the list and OH MY GOD we've gone from 120 to 154 (which includes 3 little kids that are in our bridal party so they really don't "count" persay) and I still haven't gotten his mom's or dad's updated lists.  We set the cap at 165 thinking that we can have an A list and a B list.

I'm just befuddled because my mother knows that we have a minimum and we're paying for this out of our own pockets, but yet almost 1/2 the list belongs to HER alone.  How do I cut the list down with out hurting my mother's feelings?  Would it be wrong of me to say that those we haven't seen in over a year are taken off the list and put on the "B" list?  I feel like my mother is overdoing the list because she wants all of her family (of which a good 20 probably will say no since they're in OH/TN/WA/CA/NC/SC/western pa) to attend.

HELP!!!!!!

michella30

Definitely tell your mother that you budgeted for 140 and that the list is too big so please cut it down.  Another word of advice is to not send save the dates to everyone.  Send them to just those who you want to attend.  I want to keep my count low and I know I'm going to have to invite a bunch of people so I'm opting to forgo the save the dates in the hopes that people will have already made plans, etc. by the time they get the actual wedding invitations.  It's horrible but at the end of the day I really want to keep it smaller.

soontobemrsbuccheri

Liatris2010 said:

Just say no to your mother and stick with her original list. It isn't her party, she isn't paying, she doesn't get to invite whomever she wants. Period. The end.

Do not over invite or do a B list. Counting on a certain number of declines is a risky and expensive gamble. If you don't have the space or money to invite more than 120, don't invite more than 120.

B-lists are rude, and worse than not being invited. You will have to ask guests to rsvp too early, which is rude, and even then the b-list people will get their invites late and know they were b-listed. Bad idea, all around.

Just tell your mom no. She is being unreasonable.

We set the minimum at 140 per the venue. We don't want to go over. I'm cutting the list tonight once we receive all lists and merge them all.

I have a feeling we are cutting about 40 off her list to get it back down to the original list of 30. We will see how that pans out.

Thanks!

dalm0m

DH & I designed a small wedding -- about 50 people total.  When my parents got done with the guest list it had almost 400 people on it, most of whom were their friends.  I explained that we couldn't afford that so they had to cut back.  Instead they cut me a check b/c they want to throw a huge party. 

The Golden Rule always prevails in weddings -- she who has the gold, rules. 

aracely1234

The same thing is happening to me. I only had plan to invite 120 now two month before the wedding the list went up to 150.  I m not willing to pay for 30 extra people. I already told my parents if they want those people to come they need to pay. 

gelaine22

Did you guarantee the venue 140 people? If so, then you need to invite more to ancipate those who will say "no."

Chrissy241987

Be honest. It is the only way.

soontobemrsbuccheri

Liatris2010 said:

gelaine22 said:

Did you guarantee the venue 140 people? If so, then you need to invite more to ancipate those who will say "no."

Nope. Over-inviting can backfire if you can't afford everyone to accept.
If you don't make the minimum number of people upgrade the food, drinks, or dessert to make up the difference. You'll still be spending what you planned, and your guests will have a little something extra to enjoy, and the venue will still get the amount of money in the contract.

Sadly, If we don't meet the minimum of 140 (which we guaranteed just because I knew how big MY side of the family is and knew his family would be there no problem) we pay for each plate that isn't eaten....I've already tried to negotiate.  We are sending save the dates to the 140 that we want there and if for some reason a few can't make it and we are short by a couple, the vendors will make up for that. 

 

I told my mom we were seriously cutting the guest list because A) we are now at 196 and that's 66 too many and we budgeted for 140.  She's not happy but 1/2 the list she gave me I haven't seen in 10 years!!!!

FutureMrsN3312

Stay strong and stick up for yourselves.  I'm having the same problem with FMIL.  We agreed on inviting 250.  We have to guarantee 200 which we knew wouldn't be an issue bc we both have big families.  I asked for a list so we can order our STDs and there are 178 people on it.  Yea not happening.  Revised list came back with 153 still not happening.  My FI and I went thru the list.  If there was anyone he didn't know.  They didn't get a STD.  It's our day and we're paying.  We look at it like why should we cut childhood friends for her to have 12 coworkers, her lawyer, etc etc.

I never would have thought the guest list would be the most stressful part of this process.