Bridesmaid backed out, should I still invite her?

RachCoe27

One of my bridesmaids backed out, 4 months before the wedding.  She didn't tell me, I found out about it when the dress shop told me she canceled her dress order.  When I confronted her she said she just couldn't afford the dress plus the bach party plus the showers.  BUT she still asked to be invited to the bach party and the showers....  I've already decided not to invite her to those.  But I'm starting to think about the wedding now.  She really hurt my feelings and was insincere about the whole thing.  If she had told me it'd be different, but she was going to just wait for me to find out on my own.  I need some opinions!!!  Thanks!

QueerFemme

RachCoe27 said:

One of my bridesmaids backed out, 4 months before the wedding.  She didn't tell me, I found out about it when the dress shop told me she canceled her dress order.  When I confronted her she said she just couldn't afford the dress plus the bach party plus the showers.  BUT she still asked to be invited to the bach party and the showers....  I've already decided not to invite her to those.  But I'm starting to think about the wedding now.  She really hurt my feelings and was insincere about the whole thing.  If she had told me it'd be different, but she was going to just wait for me to find out on my own.  I need some opinions!!!  Thanks!

I think your friend was wrong not to tell you directly. Maybe she was embarrased and didn't handle it well.  But for you not to invite her to the showers, bachelorette party and wedding is going to be seen as childish, vindictive and did I mention, childish? 

misshart00

Invite her. And FWIW, she doesn't have to contribute the the shower or bachelorette party.

CallaLily25

She definitely handled it the wrong way, and I can understand why you're hurt and angry. I would be the bigger person though and still invite her to the wedding.

loca4pook

I would have been hurt, too. BUT still invite her to stuff for sure.

 

Did you expect her to pay for that stuff? If so, you are definitely in the wrong.

If you want her still in the wedding, perhaps to pay for the dress

smalfrie19

If you are inviting her to pre wedding events, etiquitte dictates she is invited to the wedding..anything else would look bad on your end.

RachCoe27

She didn't have to pay for anything at the time if she couldn't afford.  My mother paid for half the dress, and if they couldn't pay for the rest she'd pay for that and they'd pay her back when they could.  All of the bridesmaids.  When she says she can't afford the trip for the bach party when she is backing out of the wedding, but then says she still wants to go and to invite her after I've accepted her apology..  That's just fishy to me???  I never expected her to pay for anything she didn't want to or couldn't afford.  I'm not the one throwing myself showers so I'm not in on those conversations.

painterlt

The way your friend handled this situation poorly. Im in a wedding this fall and cannot afford to travel out of town for the bach. party, and I told the bride this....to her face. Personally, I would invite her to the wedding and shower but not the bachelorette party.... if she is not willing to pitch in then she shouldn't reap the generosity of your other maids. But the decision is all your!

aurianna

Agree with PPs. She could have handled it better.
But do you really want to cut your friend out of your life because essentially she couldn't afford an expensive dress and some parties?
Yes communication was definitely off on her end, but maybe she was embarrassed or maybe she thought if she mentioned it that you might offer to pay and she didn't want to take from you. Maybe she got some bad advice from people saying that if she couldn't afford to throw you both a shower and a bach party that she wasn't fulfilling her "duties" so she dropped out so that you wouldn't need to kick her out (not that you would have; she just might not have realized the dress is the only thing a BM is required to spend money on).

Whatever the reason is though, she apologized. You accepted. If you liked this gal well enough to ask her to be your BM in the first place, don't you want her at your shower and wedding?

I don't know this gal at all, but I have to think that she didn't drop out of the wedding because she didn't want to be your friend anymore, since she seems to still want to attend as a guest.

professorscience

I can't imagine cutting one of my best friends (which is what I assume your BMs are) from my wedding guest list because she couldn't make/"afford" my parties.

I get that your feelings are hurt, but honestly, you need to put on your big girl panties and get over it.  She is your friend.

HisGirlFriday13

I think the question is, Why did she back out citing money concerns but then still want to be involved in the activities? If she still wants to come to the shower as a guest, that's still going to cost her the money of buying a gift.

What were the proposed costs of your bachelorette party an showers? Did whomever is planning them ask each BM, PRIVATELY, What she could afford for these events? We get a lot of complaints on these boards about one BM planning a shower and then essentially billing the other BMs, which is tacky, rude, and not at all appropriate.

I think you need to ask your friend why the costs were so high. If one of your BMs is pricing the other BMs into the poorhouse with her planning, you need to step in.

But you definitely shouldn't dis-invite her from the wedding. She was close enough for you to ask her to be a BM in the first place; that says something.

aurianna

Buying a bridesmaid dress + alterations + throwing a bridal shower + potentially buying a gift for bridal shower + throwing bach party + attending a bach party = perhaps way more than she could afford

Perhaps she thought to do this instead:
Buying a bridesmaid dress + alterations + throwing a bridal shower + potentially buying a gift for bridal shower + throwing bach party + attending a bach party = affordable

Maybe she thought if she passed on buying the dress she could instead spend that time with you at your shower and bach party and maybe in her mind she thought it would mean more to get to spend those events with you vs her having a place of honor at your wedding?

I have no idea. I have to wonder if there's more to the story?
But seriously. She apologized. You accepted. But now you're not going to invite a the woman that you cared enough ask as a bridesmaid to your shower, bach-party and possibly wedding?

Do you really want to potentially end a friendship over something that might have just been a misunderstanding about money? Or is there more going on?

pesematology

All I can picture is this:



Invite her to the wedding.

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southernbelle0915

Another vote for inviting her to the wedding and shower. It's easy and you might not want to, but in the long run you'll be glad you did. 

She was definitely wrong to not communicate openly, honestly and directly with you. No one's disputing that. But by not inviting her, you are burning bridges. It's hard to get past the hurt, but try not to take the "eye for an eye" approach.

lyndausvi

I get being hurt and I'm not going to defend her not being upfront with you but is this really a deal breaker?   

I'm still friends with people who have done far worse than backing out of a wedding.

TheBaysideBride

Ok, this is going to come out more harshly than I mean it, but if you're the kind of friend who would disinvite someone to their wedding for anything other than sleeping with the groom (and i guess then there would be no wedding), maybe that's why she was afraid to tell you....

Tell her you understand her financial concerns, you apprecaite her making an effort to come to the other events and leave it at that.

CheleLyn

One of mine backed out after we rescheduled our wedding...my ticker is the original date. Her reasoning was that we just aren't as close as she thought we should be for her to be in the wedding. While I was disappointed, I told her I understand and said she was still in invited to the wedding when it does happen next summer. I also offered to reimburse her for her dress for the original ceremony (we since changed the color scheme), but she said, "hell no! I like it!" LOL

MrsMack10612

One of my girls backed out a month prior to the wedding.  I was very disappointed, but understood.  Invitations had already gone out (for the wedding and the RD).

She was unable to attend at all, but if for some reason she had shown up, we would have made a seat for her.

One of my other BMs called her up on the cell phone so she could hear the speeches.

Jen4948

I'm wondering too about whether you asked her about her budget in advance, but I'm also wondering why she wants to still attend the activities.

I agree with everyone that she handled her backing out very poorly, but if you don't invite her, you'll be stooping to her level.  Don't do that.  As painful as it may be to be the bigger person, in the long run, at least you can go to sleep knowing you did the right thing.

cmalork

One of my bridesmaids called me this week and told me she couldn't afford to be in the wedding (she has a new baby with her husband and they have been struggling). I am having the girls pay for their own dresses but I don't want any of them to go over $100 for it (I am going for a mismatched theme but in the same color family so it's very possible). I am having the girls wear nude heels (which she has and I am buying their jewelry) so I told her I would pay for her dress. I know it could not have been easy for her, but I'm glad she said something. I want her up there with me. I would offer to help her pay for the dress or to pay for it all together. I guess it just depends on how close you are to her and how badly you want her up there with you on your day.

Blue_Bird

You don't know that she wasn't going to tell you. She was probably trying to figure out the best way to tell you without hurting your friendship. Since you clearly overreact to things (punishing her by uninviting her is a cruel and childish overreaction), I can see why she would hesitate.

muenginerd

Please remember money/finances are a tough thing sometimes.  Like someone else mentioned, could she maybe not tell you because she was embarrassed at not having the expenses?

Bridesmaids can become an expensive position, and if she hadn't done it before she may not know what she was getting into.

If she was a good enough friend for you to want to be in your wedding party, then why would you disinvite her to other parties/showers that she want to be a part of?  She still wants to be there to support you? 

You know her situation better than we do, put yourself in her spot.  Was she truly being insincere about the situation?  Or was there something else going on that she just can't tell you?If she was just being insincere and didn't tell you out of her on inconvience, then yes you are right to feel hurt.  But be careful, actions like this can do harm to a good friendship...