FMIL wants FI to have his dad as best man and $

SnowWhiteMontreal

So the other day my FMIL told FI "So, I'm assuming you're gonna ask your dad to be your best man?"... FI told her that he hasn't made a decision yet just to buy time and find a way to tell her that he wants his best friend to be his best man.

Is it me or she's going beyond limits by asking this? They told us they would help us financially yet we are getting married in less than 3 months and they haven't given us a single penny, so how dare she ask for something like this? I mean, they don't even respect their word yet they are expecting things?

We're having a destination wedding and they paid EVERYTHING (direct flight, nicer hotel than ours, suit...) for FI's brother who is 27 years old and they haven't even helped us like they said they would. My friend says that they probably will make up for it with the wedding gift, but the thing is when you say you're going to help to pay the expenses, it's before the wedding that you should contribute, right? And don't make special demands if you do not contribute, right?

I need your input, please, because it's only the beginning. I know she will be more and more demanding as the wedding approaches... FI cannot really tell her "Well, you said you would help me financially and yet I'm still waiting so suck it up" because maybe my friend is right and we'll get a nice wedding gift but on the other hand, FI should feel 100% to choose the best man HE wants.

bethsmiles

That doesn't really seem demanding to me, presumptuous? Yes, but not completely uncalled for. Your FI just needs to be upfront with his parents and tell them he is having his best friend as his BM. It's not that hard.

It seems like you are a lot more upset that they haven't contributed to your wedding. You need to let that go. They are under no obligation to contribute financially to your wedding. It sucks that they said they were going to but being pissy about it is just going to cause drama. Don't be bitter that they helped out your FI's brother, it is absolutely NONE of your business how your FILs spend their money. And don't have expectations about their wedding gift - be grateful for whatever you receive from them.

Chipmunk415

Rules to live by on these boards (that I've gathered from lurking):

1) He who pays, gets a say. No pay, no say, period.

2) Family is under no obligation to pay for your wedding. If they offer, great, but don't count on that money until you actually have the cash/check in hand or it is actively in your bank account. Assume you are paying for everything yourself until this happens.

3) Bride and Groom get to pick their wedding party, regardless of family feelings. Tit for Tat is also not required for weddings.

4) It doesn't matter if FILs are helping FBIL get to your wedding. It feels rude, but they can do what they wish with their money.

5) Remember at the end of the day, it won't matter if it rained, or if the caterer was late, or you didn't have your walk perfect- what matters is you are marrying your FI, and wedding mishaps make for great stories to tell the kids.

6) If FMIL persists, introduce your FI to the bean dip technique.

SnowWhiteMontreal

Thanks for your answers!

I should have specified that it is not the fact that they actually don't seem to contribute that is irritating is that they have said several times that they would. My father doesn't contribute and I totally understand and it doesn't bother me because he never said he would. I just hate when someone says something and does the opposite.

And I know they have the right to do whatever they want with their money because, of course, it's theirs! It's just insulting that they make demands while they don't even respect their own word. If they hadn't said they would help us, it would have been a differente story.

I know it doesn't seem hard to say to FMIL that FI has made his decision but she's a real drama queen and we don't want her to make a fuss because of this... And it's not like she really asked FI. It sounded more like an order than anything else.

And of course, in the end what really matters is that I'm gonna marry the man of my life I'm far from being a bridezilla but FMIL's demands will keep coming as the wedding approaches and I just want to avoid the drama as much as I can.

bethsmiles

One approach would to be minimizing the wedding talk with her. If you aren't talking wedding she may be less likely to make demands.

Chipmunk415

No worries Snow, I'm in a similar boat:

Dad has offered to pay, but has so far refused to talk budget. There were also major concerns at brother's wedding last month about how Dad would act (he is a serious control freak, I get my Type A personality from him, and I can't hold a candle to it) as he wasn't "involved" in that planning.

This weekend, I'm sitting him down and saying we need to have A) a set budget, an agreed upon amount or items you will cover, or C) I WILL drag you to each and every appointment and we WILL make a decision at that time. He doesn't do appointments well, especially for girly stuff. Regardless, FI and I are planning things if we are paying for it all ourselves.

Dad did make a comment to my mom "Well I haven't approved the guest list" when there was discussion about having a good friend of his who I look at as an adopted aunt. FI's response when he heard that was that Dad would not be paying for diddly squat, just to avoid that issue. You are not the only one with crazy family, we are here to support you!

As for your FMIL, bean dip, bean dip, bean dip. The next time she brings something up, try it:

FMIL: I think FFIL should be FI's best man and I want magenta and pea soup green for colors

You: Have you tried this bean dip? It's really good!

FMIL: We absolutely must have orchids.

You: Here, have a plate of it, and there's some chips.

FMIL: I will pick your dress and your mother's dress and I will look fabulous.

You: I think this dip is organic, you absolutely must have it!

(Note, this does not work if you literally push her face into the bean dip bowl )

 

As a last resort, I have started banging the "If everyone acts demanding/overbearing/a huge pain/turns me into bridezilla from stress, I WILL ELOPE AND YOU WILL NOT BE INVITED" drum. It tends to quiet the horde.

LakeR2014

@snowwhitemontreal  Have you taken the time to think that they are contributing to your wedding by ensuring your FI's family is AT your destination wedding?  I assume you live in Montreal and are getting married in Las Vegas?  Having made a trip shorter than that distance to Vegas I know how expensive that is, and that's a lot to have people put out for a wedding.  Maybe their contribution is actually being at your wedding and ensuring your FI's brother is there too (who I assume wouldn't have been able to be had his parents not paid for him).   Maybe once they came up with a complete understanding of just who expensive that was - they realized that was the contribution they could make. 

SnowWhiteMontreal

bethsmiles said:

One approach would to be minimizing the wedding talk with her. If you aren't talking wedding she may be less likely to make demands.

We never bring the subject, she always does. The last time we brought the subject was when we gave them the invitation. Other than that, it's always her. She even calls us to talk about it!

Chipmunk415 said:

No worries Snow, I'm in a similar boat:

Dad has offered to pay, but has so far refused to talk budget. There were also major concerns at brother's wedding last month about how Dad would act (he is a serious control freak, I get my Type A personality from him, and I can't hold a candle to it) as he wasn't "involved" in that planning.

This weekend, I'm sitting him down and saying we need to have A) a set budget, an agreed upon amount or items you will cover, or C) I WILL drag you to each and every appointment and we WILL make a decision at that time. He doesn't do appointments well, especially for girly stuff. Regardless, FI and I are planning things if we are paying for it all ourselves.

Dad did make a comment to my mom "Well I haven't approved the guest list" when there was discussion about having a good friend of his who I look at as an adopted aunt. FI's response when he heard that was that Dad would not be paying for diddly squat, just to avoid that issue. You are not the only one with crazy family, we are here to support you!

As for your FMIL, bean dip, bean dip, bean dip. The next time she brings something up, try it:

FMIL: I think FFIL should be FI's best man and I want magenta and pea soup green for colors

You: Have you tried this bean dip? It's really good!

FMIL: We absolutely must have orchids.

You: Here, have a plate of it, and there's some chips.

FMIL: I will pick your dress and your mother's dress and I will look fabulous.

You: I think this dip is organic, you absolutely must have it!

(Note, this does not work if you literally push her face into the bean dip bowl )

 

As a last resort, I have started banging the "If everyone acts demanding/overbearing/a huge pain/turns me into bridezilla from stress, I WILL ELOPE AND YOU WILL NOT BE INVITED" drum. It tends to quiet the horde.

Wow... Yeah, seems like I'm not the only one with crazy family, huh? It's good that you still have the eloping threat though. I cannot use that one, they already have their flights booked as well as their hotel! But I will remember the bean dip trick

LakeR2014 said:

@snowwhitemontreal  Have you taken the time to think that they are contributing to your wedding by ensuring your FI's family is AT your destination wedding?  I assume you live in Montreal and are getting married in Las Vegas?  Having made a trip shorter than that distance to Vegas I know how expensive that is, and that's a lot to have people put out for a wedding.  Maybe their contribution is actually being at your wedding and ensuring your FI's brother is there too (who I assume wouldn't have been able to be had his parents not paid for him).   Maybe once they came up with a complete understanding of just who expensive that was - they realized that was the contribution they could make. 

True. We are getting married in Las Vegas and you may be right about the contribution being their presence. I haven't thought about this actually!

CowgirlK39

My DH considered having his dad in the WP at the very beginning of our planning. I thought that would be awkward and eventually DH felt the same way. It was only casually mentioned once to MIL but she got all excited about it and always asked what FIL would be wearing. Eventually DH just said what one PP mentioned..."he is coming as the father of the from and I am choosing the GMs for myself." She was mad but got over it. His dad would not have been okay with it anyway so it worked out. About the payment, the only thing I can say is to be sure you are clear about who is paying, even if it means just taking it on yourself. My SIL had a very awkward "I thought you were paying for it" moment at the end of her reception, when the caterer asked for payment and she and ILs all stared at each other. It got straightened out but it was def unnecessary stress during the wedding.

SnowWhiteMontreal

CowgirlK39 said:

My DH considered having his dad in the WP at the very beginning of our planning. I thought that would be awkward and eventually DH felt the same way. It was only casually mentioned once to MIL but she got all excited about it and always asked what FIL would be wearing. Eventually DH just said what one PP mentioned..."he is coming as the father of the from and I am choosing the GMs for myself." She was mad but got over it. His dad would not have been okay with it anyway so it worked out. About the payment, the only thing I can say is to be sure you are clear about who is paying, even if it means just taking it on yourself. My SIL had a very awkward "I thought you were paying for it" moment at the end of her reception, when the caterer asked for payment and she and ILs all stared at each other. It got straightened out but it was def unnecessary stress during the wedding.

Oh wow! Very ackward indeed!! We prepare everything just like as they weren't contributing and IF they ever do (!) then that will be very appreciated but I don't think we can count on that. That's why we try to lower the expenses as much as we can. I ordered my dress online and paid only $300 for it and we chose a cheap package at a average hotel. As for the Father of the Groom, I told FI he could say this to his mom and he said it was a good idea to tell her his dad already has his role in the wedding!

SnowWhiteMontreal

alisonmarie658 said:

Ditto everything PP have said. I understand completely about people saying they will contribute but them doing nothing to back it up. From the time we got engaged FFIL (and step-mom) has told FI that he's going to help with the wedding time and time again but there has been no mention of what, if anything, he would like to pay for (flowers, DJ, etc) or if there was a flat amount they were willing to contribute, just the "we're gonna help, we're gonna help." FI and I are both prepared for absolutely nothing to come of this, but it is very frustrating for people not to live up to their own promises.

Yeah, we are going through the VERY same situation. While I previously told @LakeR2014 FI told me the other day that his dad told him he would help us no matter where the wedding is being held whether it's in Vegas or Montreal. But I don't think we can count on this.

When are you getting married?

SnowWhiteMontreal

@alisonmarie658 You still have time for your family to turn around and start helping you. I really hope they will!