UK/US differences

cmclaire

Hello all,

Firstly, may I just say how much I'm enjoying reading and commenting on this forum?  I'm an etiquette nut (goes with the whole military brat, prep school teacher, ex boarding school, trad family, Junior League thing I guess!) so it's lovely to meet so many other people who are keen on getting things 'just so'.  It's also been grand when looking for back-up on certain things (like when FI and my mother suggested a honeymoon fund online. First firm no of the planning from me).

That being said, I've been doing my research (other websites and in/on Debrett's - the UK's equivalent of Emily Post, I'd say) and I have a couple of queries.

First of all is RSVP dates.  Debrett's suggests your RSVP date being two months before the date (as does Fortnum's, with John Lewis and Harrods preferring 6 weeks out). Many of the threads here suggest sending your invites out at eight weeks, so I'm curious - what's the done thing where you all come from?  As we're in a wedding pile up next year (eight weddings of close friends in one year, ha!), I'm thinking knowledge will be power on this.

Secondly, registries and communicating the details of these to guests.  We really aren't that fussed about gifts but as longtime wedding attendees know that many of our guests will wish to buy us something.  Cool, I'm always up for a visit to the shops.  Here in the UK we do not have showers (I may have a small one hosted by my Junior League sisters as thats a small tradition we have - they are American and they rock that out!), so any giftiness focuses on the wedding day.  I know here on TK sending info out on/in invitations is seen as bad form, but here in the UK, that seems to be the fashion.  I loathe too much information, but as a guest am always grateful for a quick line on the 'extra information' sheet enclosed with the invitation (with hotels, timings, directions, etc.) telling me where the couple are registered.  What are your thoughts?  Even Debrett's gives it a pass, but I'm curious to hear your advice.

emeejeeayen

I'm American, but I'm actually in the UK right now.

Don't really have much to add other than it seems from what you've said that American traditions are very different!  

crunchymamaof2

RSVP date varies depending on when you need to give your final headcount to the caterer. Sometime between 2 and 4 weeks out I'd say.

As for the registry info; around here it should only be put in shower invites. Otherwise spread through word of mouth.

Thanks for posting; its neat to see the differences!

Simply Fated

Until I came to TK I have never heard a caterer needing a head count a month in advance. Any RSVP date more than two weeks sounds like way to soon for me. Maybe it's more of a regional thing than a country thing?


Having gift info on your invitations sounds like a tradition thing, not an etiquette thing. There are people in the US not "fussed" about it, but that doesn't make it right from an etiquette standpoint.


ETA: Not to be intrusive, but what part of England are you from?

laradoll

I'm in the UK

Honestly I have never been "ohh they but there RSVP date then they should have put.." I dont think anyone will care as long as it is somewhere around 2months to a month seems fine it all depends when you need it, when your wedding is etc

If you are having a shower just invite your US friends - the brit ones would (mostly) find them rude, and not the done thing and just no

Debretts says not to put the wedding list info on the invite. I'm inclined to agree it should just filter though via parents or people asking if you have one. But more and more I have seen them on invites. I dont really like it but can see why it is done and it is happening more and more (on the extra info part) so really I think it depends who you are inviting. I dont like it but would accept it because of how easier it makes things and it is getting more and more accepted. but etiquette still says you dont - you let it filter though and tell only if asked. (i'm a tad old fashioned on that)

Also as websites aren't the norm (yuck!) you have to have the extra info about hotels and things I think.

(also when you read more here you will see just how different US weddings are - the timings, they dont do an evening do, no guests just for evening, no 2 lots of food, they have this thing about cash bars - ignore so so different from us in the UK (open is the norm in the US and they can be rude about cash even tough they are the expected norm in the UK) they have this you must invite partners - so glad I'm in the UK and that isn't a 'rule. - it is all more different than you think)

cmclaire

laradoll said:

If you are having a shower just invite your US friends - the brit ones would (mostly) find them rude, and not the done thing and just no

 

Hi there, fellow UK lady!

Feel I should clarify - I will not be throwing myself a shower (ewwwwww!) - the volunteer organisation I am a member of is American (The Junior League) and we always do League sister showers for babies and weddings.  It will only be League based - as a Brit wedding showers are a strange and foreign land to me, but my sisters have said they'd like to throw one and I think it will be fun. 

My BMs will be arranging my more traditional 'hen' night (again, they've asked if they may and I'm always up for an excuse for karaoke) which will involve more people and from a range of areas of my life.  Hope that explains a little better.

cmclaire

 Thank you for posting! It is fascinating to see the differences between the US and the UK! 

Thank you - I'm finding it fascinating learning all about the different attitudes and expectations

Oh, amd @simplyfated, I'm from all over the UK (military family), but my roots are Scottish and I live in London.

Oops - am replying inside the quote!

laradoll

cmclaire said:

Hi there, fellow UK lady!

Feel I should clarify - I will not be throwing myself a shower (ewwwwww!) - the volunteer organisation I am a member of is American (The Junior League) and we always do League sister showers for babies and weddings.  It will only be League based - as a Brit wedding showers are a strange and foreign land to me, but my sisters have said they'd like to throw one and I think it will be fun. 

Oh good - much better

tiny speck

I'm from Canada but have lived in the UK 5 years and got married in the UK in April. H is from the US. It was really interesting planning our wedding and seeing how different customs and traditions are to what we were expecting. Venues were shocked to hear we didn't want a separate evening reception--we had to keep saying "just the wedding breakfast" (= meal after ceremony), which is so weird since to me that's the reception!

I still think it's not necessarily a thing to put gift info on invitations, though I was invited to one UK wedding where the invitation said "no boxed gifts" and it was only once I was at the wedding that I realised that really meant "please bring cash," since all the other guests kept making a show of bringing their cards up to the bride and groom.

Anyways, definitely there are some very different traditions in the UK compared to North America, but I wouldn't say that registry info and early rsvp dates are necessarily among them (for rsvps, the invitation for the wedding I mentioned above didn't even have a rsvp date on it, just the bride's family's phone number).