Mother Issues

julez741

My sister, who is my best friend, is getting married in less than a month. Our mother has previously said her "fiance" (she and our father got divorced 2 years ago) isnt coming to the wedding which was a relief for us. A week ago she says he now wants to come. This man has met us once and never came to any of the showers or other family events. Long story short, my mother says she will not go without him and thus is no longer coming to my sisters wedding. My sister and I are devastated to be thrown aside, but i really want to make this day special for my sister. Does anyone have any suggestions on how to make the day even more special or if there was something i could do so she doesnt have to think about the abandonment of our mother?

r&c14

julez741 said:

My sister, who is my best friend, is getting married in less than a month. Our mother has previously said her "fiance" (she and our father got divorced 2 years ago) isnt coming to the wedding which was a relief for us. A week ago she says he now wants to come. This man has met us once and never came to any of the showers or other family events. Long story short, my mother says she will not go without him and thus is no longer coming to my sisters wedding. My sister and I are devastated to be thrown aside, but i really want to make this day special for my sister. Does anyone have any suggestions on how to make the day even more special or if there was something i could do so she doesnt have to think about the abandonment of our mother?

Without knowing more of the story I would have to say make room for the guy at the wedding. It sucks that he changed his mind, but was invited in the first place and just declined?

aurianna

There's probably more to the story but... your sister won't let the guy your mom is going to marry come to her wedding?
Unless there's more to this, I'm with your mother.
It doesn't matter if you've only met him a few times if this is the man your mother wants to spend the rest of her life with. He will be family soon. It's very unfair to ask her to support your sister's relationship if she won't support your mother's.

The way to make this right is to make room for both your mother and her fiance.
You do not want to create a rift with your mother and future stepfather. Everyone will regret this forever. And as significant others should be invited together (especially fiances), he should be invited and allowed to come, so it's up to you guys to make it happen.

ETA:
A lot of men don't do showers. I don't even like showers and I'm a woman. His wanting to come to the wedding is obviously his making an effort to be a part of family moments.

artbyallie

Everyone's significant other should be invited, especially your mother's. Is this really worth throwing away your and your sister's relationship with her? Because you'll be the ones doing the abandoning by insulting her in this way. And what's with the quotes around fiancé? Either she's planning to marry the man or she isn't. And either way, he's at least her boyfriend and thus needs to be included.

AddieCake

There's got to be more to this story for this to even be a question.  He's your mother's fiance. He's invited and room should be made for him, even if he initially declined. 

MairePoppy

I'm with the others.Your mother's fi or S/O should be invited, without question. The guests aren't required to attend all wedding related events in order to qualify for a place at the wedding.Do you think your mother's fi might have changed his mind to please her? 

Assuming you two are adults, since one of you is getting married, your mother is not abandoning you by having a romantic life. She shouldn't have to choose between her sweetheart and her grown children. Your mom isn't wrong, your sister is. 

julez741

The question isnt whether we should allow him to come, there was a compromise that he could come and sit with my grandparenst and my mother would sit in the front row, as a she should. She originally accepted this compromise and then after telling him, changed her mind and rejected this compromise. My question is what i can do to  make sure this day is beyond special for my sister. 

MairePoppy

julez741 said:

The question isnt whether we should allow him to come, there was a compromise that he could come and sit with my grandparenst and my mother would sit in the front row, as a she should. She originally accepted this compromise and then after telling him, changed her mind and rejected this compromise. My question is what i can do to  make sure this day is beyond special for my sister. 

Still not good. Your mother and her date should sit together. It's rude to separate them. Why would your sister insist on this at risk of having her mother not attend her wedding? You can't do anything to make up for your mom not being their. Encourage your sister to do the right thing.

aurianna

julez741 said:

The question isnt whether we should allow him to come, there was a compromise that he could come and sit with my grandparenst and my mother would sit in the front row, as a she should. She originally accepted this compromise and then after telling him, changed her mind and rejected this compromise. My question is what i can do to  make sure this day is beyond special for my sister. 

The way to make the day special for your sister is to have her mother there.

Your mother is in a social unit with this man and obviously they are committed even if you put quotes around his title. She should NOT be split from him. In fact it makes the most sense that he would be her escort down the aisle. And then they can park in the front row together. (is there drama because your father might be there too? If so, put a buffer between them and let them handle it like adults for half an hour. They will behave for their daughter's wedding).

They probably backed out on the compromise because after thinking on it they realized how insulting it was.
Asking your mother's fiance to sit several rows back, away from her, is insulting. It's a slap in the face to your mother.
She didn't choose this man over your sister. Rather your sister forced her out by denying her the rightful place as the mother of the bride in the front of the church with her partner.

So this is the answer to the question you asked:

You talk to your sister. You tell her that you guys were wrong in trying to exclude your mother's partner. Implore your sister to call your mother, apologize, and say of course her fiance/boyfriend/whatever should join her at the church and you would be honored if she comes.
Hopefully when your mother realizes that you all are sorry, and that she's being treated now as she should be, she will come.

And then your mother will be at the wedding, and it will be "beyond special" for your sister.

aurianna

dp

bethsmiles

Your sister is being horrifically rude to your mother! A wedding is entirely about a couple making a commitment to be together forever yet she thinks it is appropriate to separate her mother and her FI at this event.

If your sister is so upset that your mother won't be coming then she should change her attitude right now, apologize profusely to your mother for being so rude, and tell her that of course her FI can come and of course he will sit with her at the ceremony. She should also apologize to your mother's FI for so carelessly throwing him aside.