Seriously just considering eloping....

akmiller2010

FI and I are about 5 months out from our wedding. We consider our selves somewhat religious but aren't regular church goers, so we decided to get married at his mother's church. Saturday we met with the pastor for our first marriage counseling session. Let's just say it almost sent us running to the courthouse. Basically blackmailing us into attending church regularly, and told us that unless we do everything he says during our counseling he won't marry us and we can't use the church. Very Judgmental. There were a few other comments that really rubbed us the wrong way as well, but that was most of it. So it left us considering our options.

Option 1: Elope and have a "reception" at a later time. Not sure what the etiquette on this situation is.  

or

Option 2: My venue (a college campus) has a chapel on site that holds about 100 people our gest list is about 170 so obviously not everyone will fit. So I had considered an very small family wedding with reception after. Again not sure what the etiquette rules are on a situation like this.

Any advice? Also I'm a little worried his mom will be upset with us for not being married at the church, but honestly we can't imagine getting married there anymore.

Maggie0829

If you do not like the pastors "rules" then don't get married in that church.  Find another location but that location better be able to hold all of your guests not just some.  But you could always do a very small intimate wedding with immediate family only and typically no large wedding party and then have a larger reception the same day.

Just know that some of your guests may be upset that they missed out on the ceremony since that is pretty much the reason for celebrating, but having a small ceremony is not against etiquette.

Honestly I would try to find another church in your area that you like and fits well in your beliefs.

AddieCake

Just don't get married in that church. Or you could take the church out of it entirely and get married somewhere else. 

OliveOilsMom

If you do not feel you can conform to the wishes of the pastor and his church, I would move your wedding ceremony to another location.  Is there another location near your venue that could house your entire ceremony?  You can still have a religious ceremony without it being inside of a church/chapel.  It all depends on the officiant.

If you want to do the family only ceremony, it must be immediate family only - no aunts/uncles, cousins. 

Don't worry about FMIL's feelings regarding the church.  The ceremony is the part that is truly about the two of you and you should have a ceremony that reflects both of you, not what FMIL thinks too.  Your FI should be the one to tell his mom you aren't marrying in that church any more.  He can keep it brief, without going into details.  "Mom, I just wanted to let you know that it's not going to work out where we can get married at your Church with Pastor Bob.  We are going to have our ceremony at x now."

TheBaysideBride

DO not let this pastor dictate your wedding! Forget that church. my FI is Jewish, I'm christian, and we're getting married outside under a huppah, by an old friend who's a presbyterian minister, and another friend who is a rabbinical student (because NO rabbi, even at our reform synangogue, would do it).

Have the wedding you want, there are many, many ministers who will work with you to officiate and celebrate your union.

SapphireCounselor

If your gut reaction after meeting the pastor is, "I don't want to get married at this judgy place," I think you ought to take that feeling seriously. Yes, it is their church, so they can set the rules as they see fit, but that doesn't mean you have to accept them. It does mean, however, that you might need to be prepared to find another venue where you feel more comfortable and have more freedom in the planning process. My answer would be far less emphatic if you had more time, but you are only 5 months out. At this point you actually have enough time to change venues if you want, (not that it wouldn't be somewhat of a headache), but would probably need to get on it soon if you really did want to make a change. Whatever you end up deciding, just make sure your FI and you are on the same page. And make sure that if you do elope it is truly what you both want, and not just because the church option didn't work out.

As for your future MIL, I would simply be honest with her about why you guys aren't thrilled to get married at the church anymore. Be as tactful as you can, but there's really no other way to handle it than to just explain what happened. She may be more understanding than you think.

MrsLillyG

I would move your ceremony to another spot.

STARMOON44

Option 3: find another ceremony location. Does your venue have any space aside from the chapel that will fit everyone? What about other churches/chapels in your area?

OjitosVerdes

I empathize with you - I also consider myself "spiritual", but am not religious and would rather stab my eyes out with hot pokers than be married in my mother's church knowing what the dogma of that church is. 

That said, I don't think this has to be an elope or cut people out of the ceremony thing. I agree with the OPs that you should find an officiant that you like and have the ceremony in your reception venue.  You could still use the chapel before the ceremony starts for pictures if you like that aesthetic. 

As far as your MIL is concerned, ours wanted us to have a full Catholic mass b/c my FILs are Catholic. FI isn't practicing and I'm not Catholic, so it didn't make any sense for us. I understand their wanting that, since your marriage apparently isn't valid in the eyes of the Catholic church without a certain type of ceremony, but FI kindly explained to them that it was important for us to have a ceremony that is meaningful and personal to us, and that would be difficult in a place of worship that we never attend. I don't think you need to get into how the pastor was judgmental as that might make her defensive, but a simple "we've decided to do things differently" should suffice. 

harper0813

Are you dead set on marrying in a church? Having the ceremony at your reception venue or maybe in a park would be lovely. I agree that the pastor doesn't sound like a good fit (I'd be annoyed with him, too). As for FMIL, when she asks why you're not marrying at her church, just say (or preferably have FI say) that it wasn't a good fit.

misssunshine17

I also consider myself spiritual and believe in God, but FI is Catholic and we didn't know what to do, so we decided on a UU church in our area. The minister there is doing a basic ceremony for us. Is this something you could look into? 

Good luck!

Jen4948

I would not marry at that church, and I think your FI should let his mother know why: "Mom, akmiller2010 and I found, after visiting the church, that it won't work for us.  We're going to marry someplace where we and our guests can feel comfortable."  Then find an affordable place and officiant where everyone, you, your FI, and everyone else in attendance will be able to feel good about attending.

calliopeia2013

akmiller2010 said:

FI and I are about 5 months out from our wedding. We consider our selves somewhat religious but aren't regular church goers, so we decided to get married at his mother's church. Saturday we met with the pastor for our first marriage counseling session. Let's just say it almost sent us running to the courthouse. Basically blackmailing us into attending church regularly, and told us that unless we do everything he says during our counseling he won't marry us and we can't use the church. Very Judgmental. There were a few other comments that really rubbed us the wrong way as well, but that was most of it. So it left us considering our options.

Option 1: Elope and have a "reception" at a later time. Not sure what the etiquette on this situation is.  

or

Option 2: My venue (a college campus) has a chapel on site that holds about 100 people our gest list is about 170 so obviously not everyone will fit. So I had considered an very small family wedding with reception after. Again not sure what the etiquette rules are on a situation like this.

Any advice? Also I'm a little worried his mom will be upset with us for not being married at the church, but honestly we can't imagine getting married there anymore.

You have so many more options than that, as PPs have noted!  There's nothing inherantly wrong with either of your options, etiquette-wise (as long as you just have a post-elopement party, not a fake wedding after eloping, you're golden.  And it's cool to have a small family ceremony and then a bigger reception.)  But, there are so many other things you can do!  You can have a civil officiant (like a judge or Justice of the Peace), or a non-denominational religious officiant (or a UU minister), or you could have a friend get ordained online if that's legal in your state- it's allowed in some but not others.  And you could have your ceremony at your reception site (which is what almost every wedding I've been to in the past few years, including my own, has done), or in a park or garden somewhere, or in a wedding chapel.  5 months is plenty of time to find a new ceremony venue and officiant.  There's nothing wrong with eloping or having a small ceremony, but there are so many other choices if eloping isn't really what you want to do.

southernbelle0915

Move the ceremony. You can hire an officiant who can customize your ceremony to make it as comfortable for the two of you as you want. If you hire an independent officiant, you can have the ceremony wherever you want (e.g. at your reception venue, etc.).

Kate61487

akmiller2010 said:

Option 1: Elope and have a "reception" at a later time. Not sure what the etiquette on this situation is.  etiquette on this situation:  A reception immediately follows a ceremony.  You could get married at the courthouse or by a JOP just the two of you (or with immediate family <10% of your guest list) and have the exact same reception you've been planning that same day.  No etiquette issue there. 

If you go off and elope and want to come back and have a party a week later or a month later that's not a reception it's a "hey look at us we got married" party.  It's a little AWish, IMO, but not against etiquette.  You should not wear a wedding dress.  You should not have a bridal party.  You can have cake and dancing and have wedding photos available for people to look at, but don't do anything that screams "I'm pretending to be a bride"

or

Option 2: My venue (a college campus) has a chapel on site that holds about 100 people our gest list is about 170 so obviously not everyone will fit. So I had considered an very small family wedding with reception after. Again not sure what the etiquette rules are on a situation like this. With your total guest list a "private ceremony" should include less than 20 people.  Then you can invite all 170 to the reception that same day.  If you haven't set STDs or otherwise verbally invited all 170 people you could try to cut your list to 100.

Option 3: Find somewhere else to have your ceremony / have your ceremony in the reception venue.  Getting married while your guests sit at their dinner tables is not ideal, but totally do-able. 

SewInLoveWithDMB

jss0302 said:

Can you do the ceremony at your reception venue? I know several people who have done this, and everything worked out great.

This is what I was thinking - I thought it was rude to only invite a small percentage of people to the ceremony and then more to the reception. The ceremony is what really matters, not the party that follows.

erinlin25

definitely look into other churches; but not sure on your area, but we were able to hire a reverend who did ceremonies outside the church.  We did have to sign a waiver acknowledging that our marriage was not recognized by the Catholic church, but we could always get our marriage blessed at a  church if we wanted to at a later date.  While I was raised Catholic, I do not attend church regularly and have taken some of the beliefs but do not characterize myself as a catholic.  My husband was raised Seventh Day Adventist-- but same goes for him.  We have our beliefs, which were aligned so it worked for us.  It was important to my parents to have a reverend, so we found one that worked for us--and it was perfect.

It's not uncommon for a church to want you to belong to their church and take their beliefs seriously in order to get married there-- a church is more than a pretty background to some pictures--it has meaning as well.  So if you are not a member, I find it odd to be married there anyway.  Don't let them dictate your marriage, but also do not use them.  Find a place that will work for you and your FI, all while not changing who you are--they exist, you just need to find it.