Rude things grown men say

Ajuliana

I feel like at least once a week, an older man will make some comment about how not to worry, I'm pretty and I'll be able to find a wealthy man to take care of me.  Um, do you not see my ring?  Do I look underfed?  Do I look like a gold digger or are you just recommending the lifestyle to me?  

Today, I was being very smiley and upbeat (I'm in customer service/sales), and a man asked if I was so happy because "the company owner's son is looking for a wife."  I just jaw dropped at him.  He then said I'd be able to meet a nice man to take care of me, and I just told him I had already found one and showed him my engagement ring.  

I don't even wear makeup at work, and the next person to say that to me might get an earful.  

LAM524

Im sorry, you lost me. What does makeup have to do with anything?

Ajuliana

Never mind.  That's what you're going to pick up on?  Roughly, that I don't get all dolled up and look like I'm looking for a sugar daddy.  

Blue_Bird

Where in the world do you work that this is a common occurrence?

QueerFemme

Alaynajuliana said:

I feel like at least once a week, an older man will make some comment about how not to worry, I'm pretty and I'll be able to find a wealthy man to take care of me.  Um, do you not see my ring?  Do I look underfed?  Do I look like a gold digger or are you just recommending the lifestyle to me?  

Today, I was being very smiley and upbeat (I'm in customer service/sales), and a man asked if I was so happy because "the company owner's son is looking for a wife."  I just jaw dropped at him.  He then said I'd be able to meet a nice man to take care of me, and I just told him I had already found one and showed him my engagement ring.  

I don't even wear makeup at work, and the next person to say that to me might get an earful.  

Those men sound like huge assholes.  And this post screams "oh my god, the horror of being so gorgeous. I don't even have to wear makeup, and everyone wants me"

Ajuliana

Well you're missing the point then.  Sorry you guys are picking up on something that isn't there.  I don't have great skin and am not some crazy good looking girl.  I am just surrounded by pervs, am the only girl in my office, and if you haven't noticed, some men will hit on anything that moves.  

Ajuliana

Okay, I guess I have no right to be upset that I constantly get devalued and demeaned at work because I am either A)a woe is me hottie or B)a sick woman who thinks pretty girls deserve to be devalued and demeaned at work.  

And I work at Enterprise.  Also, @stagemanager14, the response about getting it wrong was posted before I read any of your 3 replies.  

easilyunamused

I wouldn't worry about it. I had a guy at the gas station tell me I needed a man so I didn't have to pump my own gas.

You roll your eyes and keep it moving. Guys say ridiculous things.

Ajuliana

@bmarie1316...classic.  I always wonder what it would be like to live in Oregon and not have to ever pump gas, because I oddly hate doing it.  Was he trying to pick up on you or just be awkward with a stranger?

deannagirly

I live in Oregon. It's awkward going to other states where you do have to pump gas, I tend to just wait in my car for 10 minutes before I remember that I have to do it myself. It's always funny seeing people from other states try to pump their own gas though with the big sign that says don't pump your own gas, then they get yelled at by gas attendants.

libby2483

When I used to work as a cashier at a home improvement store, I used to get hit on often by lots of the "regulars" (construction workers and contractors) who came through my line.  Some guys would make wildly inappropriate comments that just left me rolling my eyes.  It can be very off-putting and demeaning, so I definitely understand your frustration.

kerbohl

I wouldn't respond by pointing to the engagement ring.  I would laugh at them and say "ha!  I'm so wealthy and awesome that I've got men begging me to be their sugar mommy.  How the times have changed!" 
Actually, I did have someone jokingly want to marry me because I was a work-a-holic who saved everything and therefore he thought I would have no trouble buying  him an Escalade in the future.  The times of women needing a man to "take care of them" are so over. 

Jen4948

OP, have you reported any of this to HR at your company?  You might have a sexual harassment suit in the making here.

SapphireCounselor

kerbohl said:

I wouldn't respond by pointing to the engagement ring.  I would laugh at them and say "ha!  I'm so wealthy and awesome that I've got men begging me to be their sugar mommy.  How the times have changed!" 
Actually, I did have someone jokingly want to marry me because I was a work-a-holic who saved everything and therefore he thought I would have no trouble buying  him an Escalade in the future.  The times of women needing a man to "take care of them" are so over. 

This would be my reaction as well. Love it!

AddieCake

I had no idea that every time I put on makeup (every day that I leave the house) I was getting dolled up to look for a Sugar Daddy. 

ETA: I guess I just don't really see the big deal. The only thing in that customer's comment that would bug me would be implying that a man needs to take care of me. Beyond that, I love getting complimented by people on my appearance. 

shaylagirl

...the risks of working in the public sector?

I've heard all that and worse working for an armored truck company to working at a bank to working retail.

NBD.  At the armored company, I'd make a smart ass comment back and move on with my life.  At the bank, I'd just smile and 'bean dip' and all the retail places, if it was customers, I'd just pull the Southern "Bless your heart *insert 'bean dip' comment here*."

You're going to come in to contact with ALL sorts.  The thing to do is just learn to roll with it and not let it under your skin, which you seem to perhaps not be comfortable with. 

harper0813

People saying you're pretty? Horrors!

Take the compliment. Move on.

jarednmegan

Alaynajuliana said:

I feel like at least once a week, an older man will make some comment about how not to worry, I'm pretty and I'll be able to find a wealthy man to take care of me.  Um, do you not see my ring?  Do I look underfed?  Do I look like a gold digger or are you just recommending the lifestyle to me?  

Today, I was being very smiley and upbeat (I'm in customer service/sales), and a man asked if I was so happy because "the company owner's son is looking for a wife."  I just jaw dropped at him.  He then said I'd be able to meet a nice man to take care of me, and I just told him I had already found one and showed him my engagement ring.  

I don't even wear makeup at work, and the next person to say that to me might get an earful.  

How old are we talking here? Having worked in the service industry, I've dealt with more than my share of "dirty old men."

I think if you shrug off remarks like that, you might hear less of them. I think some guys really bank off of making women feel uncomfortable. If you respond defensively, it may only encourage him.

Some guys just have no boundaries whatsoever. A man in my church is like that...he leers and makes creepy comments. At a wedding, my mom witnessed him dropping flower petals down the back of the bride's dress (and that is just one reason we're not posting an invitation for the entire church, because he would definitely show up and who knows what he'd do).

 Numerous women in my church have gotten weird vibes from him. The more you acknowledge him, the worse he gets -- to the point where I am outright rude to him. Not only do I avoid eye contact but I act like I don't even see him. If he tries to talk to me, I pretend I don't hear him. I know church is the last place you should be rude, but it's a necessity with this guy. Church leaders are aware of his behavior but it's a little hard to do anything about it unless he's caught doing or saying something inappropriate.

I know you can't be rude to a customer, unless you want to lose your job. If one of them makes you feel uncomfortable, though, just be as polite as possible and let your supervisor at work know about the harassment.

southernbelle0915

I cringe when grown men refer to grown women as "adorable" or "girls". Just seems patronizing.

pesematology

Alaynajuliana said:

Well you're missing the point then.  Sorry you guys are picking up on something that isn't there.  I don't have great skin and am not some crazy good looking girl.  I am just surrounded by pervs, am the only girl in my office, and if you haven't noticed, some men will hit on anything that moves.  

What industry do you work in? It sounds really infuriating and sexist. You should keep a copy of Bitch Magazine on hand and pretend to be suddenly really engrossed in it whenever this happens. Or you could report it since that kind of harrassment is illegal in a lot of situations (but not nearly enough).

But don't feel pressured to "shrug it off" or "take it as a compliment" because it sounds like you are being treated like crap on a daily basis and that is not the kind of thing you should be trying to get used to.

jarednmegan

Harry87 said:

zobird said:

People saying you're pretty? Horrors! Take the compliment. Move on.

I'm usually right with you, but this is shit advice. It's right there with "Smile! Cat-calling means you're pretty!"
We had an older man that would come in, and he thought he was charming but what came out of his mouth was so Mad Men sexist I wondered if I was being pranked. One day he bought enough that my manager offered to help him carry his things out to the car, and he asked if I would be okay all by myself for a little while.
Jaw. Floor.

The next time he came in, I was pretty snappy until my boss excused me to go make another pot of coffee.

Your manager is AWESOME. Good for him.

A guy who used to work at my place of employment -- many years ago, to boot -- comes in from time to time and harasses everyone in here. He thinks he's hilarious and we all just tolerate him and wait for him to leave.

He is definitely what I'd consider a dirty old man. He also lived next door to my grandparents when my aunt was in high school, and she said he'd try to spy on her. Gross.

Last time he was here, he was telling dirty jokes in another department and then decided to come over and pick on the new girl, who's very quiet, dresses conservatively, etc. She's about my age but she's a little sheltered, so I cringed when I saw him stop at her desk. He kept trying to talk to her and she was being polite, but another female co-worker and I were shooting him death rays with our eyes and being somewhat bitchy to him. We came pretty close to telling him where to go, but he left before it got to that point.

My boss said he came pretty close to telling the guy to leave, and I wish he had. I would love to witness that. I'm kind of hoping it will happen the next time the guy comes in here.

rel1988

I work in sales for a heavily male dominated industry. I travel out to construction, work sites, plants, etc so I have heard plenty of comments from "dirty old men". You need to grow thicker skin and Linger is right there isn't much you can really do regarding customers.

IMO your original post came off a little braggy and sounded like you were fishing for compliments though.

NYCMercedes

rel1988 said:

I work in sales for a heavily male dominated industry. I travel out to construction, work sites, plants, etc so I have heard plenty of comments from "dirty old men". You need to grow thicker skin and Linger is right there isn't much you can really do regarding customers.

IMO your original post came off a little braggy and sounded like you were fishing for compliments though.

Where's Linger?

jarednmegan

pesematology said:

Alaynajuliana said:

Well you're missing the point then.  Sorry you guys are picking up on something that isn't there.  I don't have great skin and am not some crazy good looking girl.  I am just surrounded by pervs, am the only girl in my office, and if you haven't noticed, some men will hit on anything that moves.  

What industry do you work in? It sounds really infuriating and sexist. You should keep a copy of Bitch Magazine on hand and pretend to be suddenly really engrossed in it whenever this happens. Or you could report it since that kind of harrassment is illegal in a lot of situations (but not nearly enough).

But don't feel pressured to "shrug it off" or "take it as a compliment" because it sounds like you are being treated like crap on a daily basis and that is not the kind of thing you should be trying to get used to.

Yeah, my suggestion about "shrugging it off" was probably ill-advised. Bottom line is, you should let the guy know, politely but firmly, that his remarks are not flattering or appropriate. But keep your cool, because some guys love nothing better than to see a woman fly off the handle. And hopefully your manager is taking/will take your concerns seriously and back you up.

aphrodite0869

Basically men are men.  No matter where you work or how you look someone is going to try to hit on you and may make weird commits to you.  Everyone finds different things attractive so it's just something you will have to get used to.  Laugh it off or ignore it.  Its going to happen whether you like it or not so you might as well let it roll off your back and move on with your day. 

rel1988

rel1988 said:

I work in sales for a heavily male dominated industry. I travel out to construction, work sites, plants, etc so I have heard plenty of comments from "dirty old men". You need to grow thicker skin and Linger is right there isn't much you can really do regarding customers.

IMO your original post came off a little braggy and sounded like you were fishing for compliments though.

Where's Linger?

OOPS sorry brain fart.  I meant Stage.

harper0813

aphrodite0869 said:

Basically men are men.  No matter where you work or how you look someone is going to try to hit on you and may make weird commits to you.  Everyone finds different things attractive so it's just something you will have to get used to.  Laugh it off or ignore it.  Its going to happen whether you like it or not so you might as well let it roll off your back and move on with your day. 

This is how I feel. My opinion may not be the popular opinion, but I don't like wasting effort or words on people that don't deserve it. If this person is sexually harassing me or threatening me, that is one thing. I've had a boss tell me before that a large tip I received was a result of my breasts. I did not take that lightly and I reported him. I would do the same if he touched me inappropriately or told me I had a nice ass.

But if a guy, old or not, calls you pretty, whistles at you, or goes on about you marrying someone (for money or other reasons, doesn't matter), it takes away the worth and honesty of the term "sexual harassment" to call it such. In MY opinion. It's creepy and unnecessary of them, but telling them off will not stop them from behaving simiarly to another woman, nor will it stop other men from treating you that way. It will be a big waste of your energy.

I'm not saying you play along with it or even acknowledge the comments. You don't need to swish your hair or walk away with a spring in your step. But to be called attractive isn't the worst thing in the world. Many many women have gotten, do get and will get these comments and they won't stop because some people don't have filters. So you can be pissed off about it or you can just walk away and roll your eyes. I personally see the latter as the calmer and more mature reaction.

Like I said, my opinion may not be the popular one, but it's the right way for me to handle these situations, having been a bartender and waitress and working at a company with 90% men where I have been called "young", "pretty", "sassy", etc. and rather than make a huge stink about adjectives and go crying wolf to our HR manager, I use the power of supposedly being those things because it makes me likeable and pleasant/fun to work with.

Anyway, stepping off my soapbox.

AddieCake

It's very easy to edit the quotes. Just backspace through what you don't want. I do it all the time. 

AddieCake

Oh, ok. I seldom Knot from mobile, so I'm not familiar with all the problems the mobile users are having. 

QueerFemme

coopergirl15 said:

@coopersgirl15, no one was marginalizing her problem, we were simply pointing out issues with her word choices and responses. As far as the "good for you" crap, I worked at an adult movie and novelty store for 10 years, so the assumption that me criticizing her bitchy response to LAM is because I've "never been on the receiving end of that sort of treatment" is laughable at best. Of course she has a right to be irritated.

I wasn't speaking so much to you as to LAM and Cmgilpin. The OP's word choices aside, I was able to deduce her point with no difficulty. To either ignore the question due to phrasing or say the post "screams 'oh my god, the horror or being so gorgrous''" was unfortunate (though thanks, Cmgilpin, for actually addressing the OP's concern in your first sentence). I can see where the OP got her defensive attitude from. Not all people are like you, Stage, with years of being on this forum under their belts and a thick skin. Is it something the OP needs to work on? Yes. Is the issue of dealing with innapropriate assholes something I worry about myself? No, because I've deveopled the skill of being able to handle the assholes I sometimes interact with and let it roll off my back. But I was once where she was. It's a bad place to be.

If OP had posted her first paragraph, and not the "omg, and I didn't even WEAR makeup!!"  I would have limited my response to my first sentence.  But, she didn't. 

The guys are assholes. No doubt about that.  And, she should respond to them and tell them they are being offensive, or she should choose to let it roll off her back. 

But, instead, she chooses to respond with the fact that "she already found one" and shows them her engagement ring and can't BELIEVE they are talking to her this way, because she didn't wear makeup.

First of all, even if she HADN'T "already found one", those comments are inappropriate.  Instead of responding with something like "wow, that's really offensive", she seems to justify the guy's asshole statement by showing him her ring and telling him she already found one and then talks about her makeup?  Yeah, um. no.

QueerFemme

StageManager14 said:

cmgilpin said:

If OP had posted her first paragraph, and not the "omg, and I didn't even WEAR makeup!!"  I would have limited my response to my first sentence.  But, she didn't. 

The guys are assholes. No doubt about that.  And, she should respond to them and tell them they are being offensive, or she should choose to let it roll off her back. 

But, instead, she chooses to respond with the fact that "she already found one" and shows them her engagement ring and can't BELIEVE they are talking to her this way, because she didn't wear makeup.

First of all, even if she HADN'T "already found one", those comments are inappropriate.  Instead of responding with something like "wow, that's really offensive", she seems to justify the guy's asshole statement by showing him her ring and telling him she already found one and then talks about her makeup?  Yeah, um. no.

If I wasn't already gay married, and you weren't already straight married, and, if I liked girly girls, and if you liked chubby girly girls instead of men, I'd consider it!