Help! Big rift between MOB and MOG expectations

Simply Fated

Inkdancer said:

alisonmarie658 said:

Do your parents and his parents realize that they are at odds with one another?

Yes, they know. And both sides are being rather stubborn about what they want.

Simply Fated said:

Is there concern that if you serve alcohol they'll take back the $30 k deal?

No worry about that. I am worried that they will decline to attend the wedding or reception, which would break my heart.


Is there a chance they're just saying they won't come in an attempt to manipulate you?

Dreamergirl8812

erinlin25 said:

Your parents are being very childish.  Its fine if they do not drink, but to pout and say we are leaving if there is alcohol is ridiculous.  I would just call their bluff and say sorry you feel that way, you will be missed.  They are the ones that will look bad, not you.

Majority of my husbands family does not drink, but some do-- Husband and I do, so does my family.  My parents paid for the wedding and there was a bar--a full open bar.  It was not the center of attention and I could not even tell you who drank and who did not.  There also was a great variety of non-alcoholic drinks available so its not like the bar was pushed down their throats.  The venue staff was aware of the amount of non-drinkers so was sure to offer cider and other non alcoholic drinks and kept the non drinking guests just as comfortable as the ones drinking alcohol.  Husbands family had a blast and no one cared that others were drinking--nor did they probably who was drinking what. 

I know its a hard subject, and I know we got off easier in the situation--when my husbands brother got married 5 years ago, their mom through a small fit about there being a bar-- but BIL and his wife said mom, we understand you do not like to drink, but we do and so do the majority of our guests so there will be a bar.  She got over it, their wedding was beautiful and no one was offended because others were drinking-- 

You need to stand up to your parents, and if they hold the house money over your head, then it is what it is.  You can either choose to have the wedding you want or you can choose to let your parents control you forever.

ps... my MIL paid for the bar at our rehearsal dinner.  My FI and I discussed hosting it ourselves when she offered to host the rehearsal dinner-- we were shocked when his mom said do not worry about it, I will cover it.   Sometimes they just come around, especially when they see there is nothing to be offended about

That's exactly what I was thinking. What are you going to do when your parents decide how many kids you're going to have and what their names are going to be? What if your mom refuses to "let" you have an epidural? The scenarios are boggling my mind.

Simply Fated

I also agree that if they're pulling this "We won't come if..." crap now and it works in their favor, they'll continue to use this maneuver in the future.

Who knows, what if they start pulling this crap with the home you're buying from them?

Kristin789

NYUBruin said:  Most couples today pay for and host their own weddings/rehearsal dinners.  No one is responsible for paying/hosting other than the couple.

Well, I guess that's the way it's done in New York.  Maybe all of New England.  Maybe all on the West Coast too, I don't know.

But I do know about The South where I live, and this is not common here.  Some couples do as you've suggested, but those would be over-35 couples with children from previous marriages, which is not the case for most Knotties and probably not the case for the OP. 

I did a Google search and the only Ink Dancer that popped up is from Minnesota.  Before I moved here, I lived in the upper Midwest, and the traditions there were a lot like here in the South. 

So while you live in an area that isn't interested in families hosting weddings and RD's to give the young adult kids a good start, that's just not how it's done everywhere...

NOLAbridealmost

Kristin789 said:

NYUBruin said:  Most couples today pay for and host their own weddings/rehearsal dinners.  No one is responsible for paying/hosting other than the couple.

Well, I guess that's the way it's done in New York.  Maybe all of New England.  Maybe all on the West Coast too, I don't know.

But I do know about The South where I live, and this is not common here.  Some couples do as you've suggested, but those would be over-35 couples with children from previous marriages, which is not the case for most Knotties and probably not the case for the OP. 

I did a Google search and the only Ink Dancer that popped up is from Minnesota.  Before I moved here, I lived in the upper Midwest, and the traditions there were a lot like here in the South. 

So while you live in an area that isn't interested in families hosting weddings and RD's to give the young adult kids a good start, that's just not how it's done everywhere...

Be all that as it may, it's quite clear from the OP that in HER situation, her parents aren't hosting. Giving advice based on the fact that her parents are the hosts is useless to her regardless of how things are done in your circle. And admonishing her and saying "see, this is what happens when the parents of the bride are too cheap to follow tradition and host" is just rude. And while I am paraphrasing that last bit, that's precisely what the gist of your post was.

BangBangs39

Kristin789 said:

NYUBruin said:  Most couples today pay for and host their own weddings/rehearsal dinners.  No one is responsible for paying/hosting other than the couple.

Well, I guess that's the way it's done in New York.  Maybe all of New England.  Maybe all on the West Coast too, I don't know.

But I do know about The South where I live, and this is not common here.  Some couples do as you've suggested, but those would be over-35 couples with children from previous marriages, which is not the case for most Knotties and probably not the case for the OP. 

I did a Google search and the only Ink Dancer that popped up is from Minnesota.  Before I moved here, I lived in the upper Midwest, and the traditions there were a lot like here in the South. 

So while you live in an area that isn't interested in families hosting weddings and RD's to give the young adult kids a good start, that's just not how it's done everywhere...

I've found in recent years that it is more common everywhere for the B&G to host their own wedding, not just in specific areas and not because anyone is "too cheap" to do it.  My FI and I are hosting our own wedding... why?  Because we already own a house together, have lived together for 5 years and have been in a committed relationship for over 6... neither of us feel that we need our parents to pay for it... what I see is that the "young adult kids" are already giving themselves good starts prior to rushing into a wedding.  In addition, CLEARY the OP is hosting her own wedding... so your "advice" really is not relevant to the conversation.

wittykitty14

OP, it sounds like your parents are trying to manipulate you into doing what they want.  Chances are, they're bluffing.  But still, it's a very hard situation to be in.

Since your FILs are paying for the reception, they get the say.  If you and FI were strongly for having a dry wedding, then I'd be giving different advice right now.  But since you're ok with alcohol, and they're paying, then this is what you need to do.  Either that or decline the money.

I don't have much advice on how to talk it over with your parents.  Perhaps something like "Since FILs are paying for the reception, FI and I need to honor their request to have an open bar, which we are ok with.  I'm sorry you disagree, and I hope this doesn't affect your decision to share in the celebration my marriage".

 

PrettyGirlLost

NYUgirl100 said:

I do not think in NY most couples pay for their own weddings, and again, these are young HC, groom is still in college apparently. 

If it were me, the home would be more important than the wedding, but that is just me. 

The home and the wedding are mutually exclcusive. And the OP did not say her parents were threatening to reneg on their offer regarding the house, I think you brought that up. OP said her parents threatened to leave the reception early if alcohol was served.

Her parents sound like they are manipulative and have control issues, and OP and her FI should probably start setting firm boundaries with them now. Their behavior will only get worse, especially if OP has kids. I also agree that if this was my family, I would rethink buying a house from OPs parents. It could become another means for them to try and assert control and emotional blackmail on her and her family.

NYCBruin

Kristin789 said:

NYUBruin said:  Most couples today pay for and host their own weddings/rehearsal dinners.  No one is responsible for paying/hosting other than the couple.

Well, I guess that's the way it's done in New York.  Maybe all of New England.  Maybe all on the West Coast too, I don't know.

But I do know about The South where I live, and this is not common here.  Some couples do as you've suggested, but those would be over-35 couples with children from previous marriages, which is not the case for most Knotties and probably not the case for the OP. 

I did a Google search and the only Ink Dancer that popped up is from Minnesota.  Before I moved here, I lived in the upper Midwest, and the traditions there were a lot like here in the South. 

So while you live in an area that isn't interested in families hosting weddings and RD's to give the young adult kids a good start, that's just not how it's done everywhere...

Ummm for the record I have lived in NYC, CA and grew up in the midwest.  A very large majority of the weddings I have attended (ALL over the country), the couple paid for either the entire wedding or a large portion of it.  I just counted and I have family that lives in 14 different states.  None of their parents fully paid or hosted their weddings, nor would it be expected.  To say that things are "regional" is just silly.

Also, as others have mentioned, the OP never indicated that her parents were hosting.  Actually her posts suggested quite the opposite.  

Do some families still wish to host their children's weddings?  Absolutely.  That doesn't mean that everyone does it that way or that it's wildly offensive for the grooms parents to chip in for their son's wedding if they want to.

southernbelle0915

NYUgirl100 said:

So, if grooms parents want alcohol and brides parents do not, then brides parents are manipulative?  I think it spitting in bride's parents eyes, if they do not TRY to compromise. 

To say that the wedding and the home are mutually exclusive is, imho, in the eye of the beholder.  Maybe Bride and Groom should say we do not want help from either set of parents.

No. The bride's parents are manipulative because they are threatening that they won't attend the reception if they don't get their way.

crunchymamaof2

NYUgirl100 said:

And what are grooms parents are saying if they do not get their way?  Or is assumption that if they pay for wedding, they get their way?  Why arent bride's parents free to leave reception?

If they pay, they get their say. And the bride's parents are more than free to leave. Of course the bride doesn't want that which is why she's trying to find a solution. Unfortunately, I don't think there is one in this case. Frankly, I'd call their bluff.

plumander

OT: Harry87 your sig is awesome.

southernbelle0915

NYUgirl100 said:

One set of parents is forcing everyone to watch liquor consumption. 

Ok now you're just being argumentative because you can't be serious with this.

If OP's parents didn't approve of dancing would you vilify groom's parents if they wanted part of their 10K to go to a dance floor and OP's parents were threatening not to attend because they don't believe in dancing?

[Deleted User]

This has just gotten to the point of being absurd.

PrettyGirlLost

NYUgirl100 said:

3. The major difference here is that one side is seeking to control the behaviors of others, which is just plain wrong.  -

 

It seems like BOTH sets of parents want to control wedding. 

No, the Groom's parents are financially contributing to the reception and would like to serve alcohol.  The Bride and Groom are fine with this.  These three groups should have a say in the reception.

Bride's parents are not contributing to the reception and are supposedly threatening to leave the reception early if alcohol is served, under the premise of religious objections. 

I'm calling horse shit.

The Bride's parents are attempting to control the behavior of everyone else around them, not just control the wedding, and they are attempting to be manipulative under the pretense of religious objections.

A person's religious belief's are between that person and their God, and the purpose of religion is not to enforce your own beliefs on others, nor to attempt to control or restrict other people's behavior around you.

If it is against the Bride's parents' religious beliefs to imbibe alcohol, then they are free to NOT DRINK or not show up at the reception.  That is their choice as adults. 

But to try and guilt trip their daughter into bending to their will, and forcing everyone else to bend to their will is flat out controlling and manipulative behavior, and it is not a healthy or functional relationship dynamic.  Again, I can bet that this is not the first time the Bride's parents have acted in this manner, and I bet it will not be the last either.

PrettyGirlLost

NYUgirl100 said:

And what are grooms parents are saying if they do not get their way?  Or is assumption that if they pay for wedding, they get their way?  Why arent bride's parents free to leave reception?

They are most certainly free to leave the reception.  If my parents were acting like this I'd personally escort them out.

southernbelle0915

NYUgirl100 said:

Because OP herself is uncomfortable with the conflict, and that her parents are giving more substantial wedding gift.

Exactly. A WEDDING GIFT. Does Aunt Milly also get a say in what is served at the reception because she's giving a gift? Does she get MORE of a say because she gave more money than Aunt Betty? No. Wedding gifts do not dictate a say in anything. 

If OP's parents were contributing $30K TO THE WEDDING they would have a say. But they're not. So they don't. End of discussion.

PrettyGirlLost

Liatris2010 said:

NYUgirl100 said:

"At the end of the day, young twenty-somethings still go home to their low-rent apartments and their cruddy for-now jobs to pay off their debts while they desperately hunt for that rare job that has benefits and doesn't require five years experience. "

Actually, this couple will apparently go home to the house the bride's parents is selling them at 30K below FMV.

... an advantage which gives the bride's parents say in every decision the couple or the in-laws make?

@Liatris- That's what I would be concerned about too.  I personally would not buy a house from them, for that very reason.

southernbelle0915

PrettyGirlLost said:

Liatris2010 said:

NYUgirl100 said:

"At the end of the day, young twenty-somethings still go home to their low-rent apartments and their cruddy for-now jobs to pay off their debts while they desperately hunt for that rare job that has benefits and doesn't require five years experience. "

Actually, this couple will apparently go home to the house the bride's parents is selling them at 30K below FMV.

... an advantage which gives the bride's parents say in every decision the couple or the in-laws make?

@Liatris- That's what I would be concerned about too.  I personally would not buy a house from them, for that very reason.

Me either! I'd be afraid they'd threaten estrangement if they found out I had friends over for beers and a BBQ.

PrettyGirlLost

Harry87 said:

He was 17 and he came to a reasonable and polite conclusion all on his own, despite meat being against his morals. I don't understand why the bride's parents can't do the same and NYUgirl100, I can't understand how you haven't figured this out either.

They cannot because they choose not to.

I don't believe this has a fig to do with religious objections.  I believe that is the guise used to veil a manipulative behavior pattern.

winelover123

I apologize - I didn't check back on this thread. @NYUgirl100 - the MOG is giving the couple money FOR THEIR WEDDING. The MOB is essentially giving them money FOR A HOUSE. Did the caps help to make it clearer for you that they are not giving money for the same thing? If the MOB was giving her daughter $30k for her wedding, of course she would have a say in the food and beverages of choice. As it is, she's giving them a gift - not a contribution for the wedding.

Peledreamsofrain

Post removed due to GBCK

winelover123

I've known people who have received fancy cars for their birthdays. I'm not a big car person, but I'd wager that they cost between $20,000 - 30,000. Just sayin'.

Also, what Liatris said.

NYCBruin

What about

NYUgirl100 said:

I hardly think a 30G gift is in the same category as most Birthday gifts. 

So since my parents generously paid my college tuition (a substantial gift) they should get to make decisions about my life?

What about a family friend who likes to give couples first class tickets for their honeymoon as a wedding gift (can cost upwards of thousands of dollars), does he get to make demands about the wedding?

Bottom line: if you aren't contributing TO THE WEDDING you don't get to dictate things at the wedding.

Peledreamsofrain

NYUgirl100 said:

I hardly think a 30G gift is in the same category as most Birthday gifts. 

*points out that my post explicitly does not just talk about birthdays

*points at the point that you missed waaaaaaaaaaaay over yonder to where you are

NYCBruin

Liatris2010 said:

NYCBruin said:

What about

NYUgirl100 said:

I hardly think a 30G gift is in the same category as most Birthday gifts. 

So since my parents generously paid my college tuition (a substantial gift) they should get to make decisions about my life?

What about a family friend who likes to give couples first class tickets for their honeymoon as a wedding gift (can cost upwards of thousands of dollars), does he get to make demands about the wedding?

Bottom line: if you aren't contributing TO THE WEDDING you don't get to dictate things at the wedding.

Forget that. If the ILs ARE contributing to the wedding, you don't get to tell them what they cannot buy with their money.


Excellent point. I got so distracted by NYU's insistence that the house gift is somehow a wedding contribution that I completely forgot to mention this.

[Deleted User]

 

NYUgirl100 said:

Stage, I suggested a compromise (someone else did too), like maybe an afternoon wedding with less alchohol. 

But this ISN'T a compromise.  One set of parents said they'd leave if there was ANY alcohol. This is part of the point that you're missing. They are emotionally blackmailing her by telling her that they'll leave their own daughter's wedding if anyone has ANY alcohol. 

southernbelle0915

NYUgirl100 said: Stage, I suggested a compromise (someone else did too), like maybe an afternoon wedding with less alchohol. 

LESS alcohol isn't the question here. OP's parents don't want ANY alcohol so this doesn't work. 

Kate61487

Can I also just point out that it's not like the POB are writing a check for $30k.  They are taking a house that they may or may not have been planning on putting on the market and selling it to their kid for $30k less than they MIGHT have reasonably expected to sell it for.  Without the hassle of fixing stuff up to put it on the market, dealing with showings, paying realtor fees, etc.  It's still a totally awesome, generous gift, but they're kinda getting something out of it too.....

southernbelle0915

Kate61487 said: Can I also just point out that it's not like the POB are writing a check for $30k.  They are taking a house that they may or may not have been planning on putting on the market and selling it to their kid for $30k less than they MIGHT have reasonably expected to sell it for.  Without the hassle of fixing stuff up to put it on the market, dealing with showings, paying realtor fees, etc.  It's still a totally awesome, generous gift, but they're kinda getting something out of it too.....

Right and not only that, but it's not like OP's parents are giving her $30K to go spend on any house - it's conditional that it's their house. So they are getting a say in their gift... just like the groom's parents are getting a say in their gift.

ETA: Grrr. my comments keep bunching with the quotes