Not Engaged Yet

"Enjoying your relationship as it is now"

CrazyCatLady3CrazyCatLady3 member
First Anniversary 5 Love Its First Comment First Answer
edited June 2013 in Not Engaged Yet
Hey ladies,

A frequent piece of advice on here for posters who are impatient about getting engaged is to enjoy their relationships as they currently are, because they don't get that time back.  Ignoring not having to deal with wedding planning stress, and typical living together chores such as splitting expenses/cleaning etc (since many couples already live together before marriage), what do you think are some positive aspects of the serious relationship stage before the engaged stage?

Edited for clarity.

Re: "Enjoying your relationship as it is now"

  • I'm not engaged or married so I can't really compare before or after but I think the core of that advice means not diminishing all the good times that are happening now just because you aren't engaged. There are still plenty of romantic dates to look forward to, family events, just fun time spent with your SO and sometimes because women are so focused on getting engaged they start to forget to enjoy all of the good things that are happening now.

    So I don't think it's really about comparing before and after but realizing that living in the moment provides you with a life that is much more filled with happiness than constantly looking to the future and wishing you could be there already.


  • I personally don't think I would be able to get engaged without being in a serious relationship first.

    BUT...awesome things we did before we were engaged? vacation to gettysburg, vacation to boston/cooperstown/lake george, got stuck in a blizzard while moving my stuff from school to OUR new apartment, bought a new couch haha, started our garden, completed tons of woodworking projects together, got to know each other's friends, went to millions of other weddings, worked on making our relationships with our family and each other's families great, etc.

    After we've been engaged?  We booked a venue/dress/DJ/some other stuff and I was in the hospital 3 times in one month.  BUT we're on the upswing, lol, our engagement pictures are next weekend and I'm pretty excited about them :)

    But yea, the general advice we normally give?  It just means you should enjoy the time you have now.  Whether you're dating, living together, engaged, married, or divorced frankly.  It's no life to just keep waiting for tomorrow to come - it's best to enjoy what we have today.  Like on the days I was in the hospital?  I didn't die.  And I have awesome insurance so I knew I wasn't going broke.  But mainly, I didn't die.  That's definitely a positive :)
    I guess, to tell you the truth, I've never had much of a desire to grow facial hair. I think I've managed to play quarterback just fine without a mustache. - Peyton
  • I couldn't be engaged without being serious with someone first.  In the three years we were together before being engaged we did vacations, he stood by me while doing lots of exams for a certification for work, he supported me when I was busy with plays,we've been there for each other in good times and in bad times.  Has been there for me when my grandma passed away. We moved in together and learned how to meet in the middle on a lot of things.

    We got engaged and closed on our house within a month of each other. Now there is the craziness of home renovatons and weddng planning.  There are so many big and small things to look forward to, 

    That aspect of having things to look forward to big and small hasn't changed since we got engaged.  We still are there for each other and try to mix up life with planning ahead ( wedding stuff) and enjoy what we have now ( a new home).

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  • I don't understand the question. 

    Is it not normal to be in a serious relationship before agreeing to spend the rest of your life with someone? I mean, it's kind of a big deal to not be serious about. 



  • Swazzle said:
    I don't understand the question. 

    Is it not normal to be in a serious relationship before agreeing to spend the rest of your life with someone? I mean, it's kind of a big deal to not be serious about. 
    I read it as what should be enjoyed about being in a serious relationship before getting engaged not should you be in a serious relationship before getting engaged.


  • @swazzle, maybe crazycatlady means living together before being engaged? 

    I think living together and having a solid, committed relationship are necessary prior to engagement. As far as "enjoying your relationship as it is now", I think that refers to always expecting a proposal. Like going to the movies or out for a few drinks, just enjoy it like you would normally- don't expect anything besides having fun!

  • Hey ladies,

    A frequent piece of advice on here for posters who are impatient about getting engaged is to enjoy their relationships as they currently are, because they don't get that time back.  Ignoring not having to deal with wedding planning stress, and typical living together chores such as splitting expenses/cleaning etc (since many couples already live together before marriage), what do you think are some positive aspects of being in a serious relationship before getting engaged?
    The bolded doesn't seem that way to me, @bethsmiles. Hopefully OP explains better what she's talking about. 



  • Ok, sorry the question was phrased terribly.  Of course you should be in a serious relationship before getting engaged.  I just meant, what are the positive aspects of that phase that as opposed to the engaged/married phase?
  • Yes, I meant it how Beth Smiles read it.
  • bethsmilesbethsmiles member
    First Anniversary First Comment First Answer 5 Love Its
    edited June 2013
    @Swazzle - hmm...yeah I see what you are saying. Now I'm confused by OP's post.

    @CrazyCatLady3 - come back and explain what your question is! Also, I agree with PPs that I would never get engaged to someone I wasn't already in a serious relationship with.

    ETA: Ignore me because I took too long to type this out :)


  • Ok that makes a bit more sense. 

    While I believe you'll always be learning new things about your SO, I think the period of time before getting engaged is crucial to that. I feel like this is a good time to figure out things you like about him/her and to make sure you can live with the things you don't like. 



  • Life. Life is what should be enjoyed in whatever state you are currently in (single, bf/gf, fi/fi, dh/so)

    And I'm not trying to be sarcastic. I sat here and thought for a coupl eminutes and really couldn't think of anything 'different' that you should enjoy prior to being engaged. It's morbid, but when I was waiting (and waiting and waiting), I would think about (god-forbid) something happening to my now DH. It was really easy to not waste another second wishing for a proposal when I thought about just being blessed to spend my days with him, ring or no ring.

    Oh, wait, I thought of one thing. If you're thinking you might change your last name after you get married, then enjoy the hell out of your maiden name. I don't really miss mine, but I do sometimes wonder who 'Tiger HisLastName' is, because it takes a LONG time to get used to!
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  • cu97tiger said:
    Life. Life is what should be enjoyed in whatever state you are currently in (single, bf/gf, fi/fi, dh/so)

    And I'm not trying to be sarcastic. I sat here and thought for a coupl eminutes and really couldn't think of anything 'different' that you should enjoy prior to being engaged. It's morbid, but when I was waiting (and waiting and waiting), I would think about (god-forbid) something happening to my now DH. It was really easy to not waste another second wishing for a proposal when I thought about just being blessed to spend my days with him, ring or no ring.

    Oh, wait, I thought of one thing. If you're thinking you might change your last name after you get married, then enjoy the hell out of your maiden name. I don't really miss mine, but I do sometimes wonder who 'Tiger HisLastName' is, because it takes a LONG time to get used to!
    What a great point. I think this is something that we should all really think about. It reminds me of how parents felt after Sandy Hook. We should all cherish what we have with our SOs regardless of the stage. Anything could happen at any moment.
  • CLoGreenEyesCLoGreenEyes member
    First Anniversary 5 Love Its First Comment Name Dropper
    edited June 2013
    Tiger's post is exactly right. Just appreciate every second of everything. For me, the struggle was (I guess "is," at times) remembering to nurture every part of my life, not just my relationship. There have been times in the past where my relationship was IT, THE thing I was focused on. While I love my BF and can't imagine a better person to be with, there are other pieces of my life that I found it way too easy to ignore at times. Thankfully I have learned to pursue my own interests and become more myself, and that has only bettered our relationship.

    It makes me sad to see people put off stuff like going to school, pursuing a dream career or hobby, moving somewhere they really want to go, etc. because a proposal *might* change their minds based on what's more convenient. Yes, we all have to compromise and change some things up to be with someone, but no one should have to truly sacrifice any part of who they are to make a relationship work. So I think it's worth it to be bold and courageous and take care of those pieces of you. If it is going to work with someone, they will be able to stick with you as you become your best self and it won't threaten the relationship or its future.
  • There's a certain freedom that comes with having a partner to whom you've made no explicit long-term promises yet. It's the best of both worlds, in a way. I'm a person who likes my space, so when I feel less bound I actually feel closer to my partner in some ways. It's a mindset I hope I can carry with my into the more committed stages of the relationship.
    "I wish yo azz all tha dopest up in yo' marriages"
  • @cu97tiger is 100% correct. 

    Its life that happens, and its life that you should enjoy. FI and I have been engaged for a year and with the exception of new jewelry and people asking if we've set a date yet (we haven't...) not much has changed. We're still the same people, with the same faults and flaws, we were before we got engaged. He didn't change and become Mr. Romance, and I still hate cleaning and picking up after myself. We're still a great team, we work together to help each other reach our goals, both personal, professional and relationship wise. 

    So when we tell people to enjoy your relationship "as it is right now" its because THAT is your relationship, the good the bad and the ugly. Getting engaged or married wont fix fundamental flaws, and it won't make you feel 'more secure' if you don't feel secure already. So you (the universal you, not specifically the OP) need to be able to sit back, relax and just enjoy your BF and the life you are sharing. Because he'll be the same person when he's you're FI and your H, and you'll be the same as a FI or W. 



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  • For what its worth - I love this, because there is so much credential to this insight or none of us would be anticipating this huge occasion in our lives. Great advice to all - thank you! 
  • For what its worth - I love this, because there is so much credential to this insight or none of us would be anticipating this huge occasion in our lives. Great advice to all - thank you! 
    How can you read this post with all it's fantastic adivce and claim to appreciate it and take it all to heart but then say what you posted in your own thread?


  • @markandshanni - Perhaps you should reread this whole thread and take notes this time around. 



  • @markandshanni- I really think you missed the point. Many of the woman who posted on this thread are no longer 'anticipating this huge occasion' in their lives, they're already engaged or married. That moment for them has come and gone. And their lives with their SO's have rolled on, day after day, stitching together the little moments that make the fabric of life together. Sure, getting engaged is a nice moment, and a wedding is a fun day to share with family and friends, but thats 2 days out of a WHOLE life together. 



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