Acceptable Gap?

tammym1001

Disclaimer: I know gaps are not acceptable and I don't think I'm a special snowflake, I just think we have a different situation than most brides.

We are getting married at our church and we are only having 25 guests. Our reception is at a country club about 10 minutes from the church. The country club package has a cocktail hour included. Of the 25 guests, 20 of them are WP and immediate family who need to stay for pictures. 2 of the 5 left are SO's of the WP and will probably stay with them for the pictures. That leaves 3 people who probably won't stay for the pictures.

Is it ok to have an hour gap between the ceremony and the cocktail hour so we can take pictures? When we get to the country club my FI and I will get pictures taken there and everyone else will be able to partake in the cocktail hour. It seems silly to have a cocktail hour for the 3 people that won't be staying for pictures. Also, if it makes a difference, those 3 people live inbetween the church and country club so they will literally drive right past their house to go to the reception so they would be able to stop at home.

I don't want to be rude to anyone, but I also don't want 3 people sitting around at the reception by themselves before everybody else gets there.

misssunshine17

Why not just ask them to stay for pictures? If you're close enough to have them in a wedding of only 25, I would thin you would want them for pictures? 

I would make sure you have a place indoors and cold drinks for all of the guests, too. 

hordol

Honestly it seems weird that of all your wedding guests, only 3 don't get to be in pictures. Can you include them anyway? Idk who they are or if they would want to be in pics, but if there are only 25 guests then these people are probably close enough to you to be in pictures, right?

tammym1001

It's actually one of our employees and his wife and daughter. We invited them because we own a small family business and everyone else that works with us is coming because they're family. They will know everyone there, but I don't think they would want to be in wedding pictures with their bosses.

southernbelle0915

StageManager14 said:

I would host light refreshments at the church while you're taking photos and invite everyone to stay. It will give everyone something to do while they stand around waiting for their photo to be taken. I also would just take photos with the other 3 people.

This. If they want to stay and watch you all take pictures (let them be in a few.. so what if you don't use/need them) they can. If they don't, at least you offered. 

misssunshine17

I think as long as you host some light refreshments, then it's fine, since if they go anywhere else is would be awkward for them. 

[Deleted User]

Could there also be what Stage suggested at the countryclub? Personally, I'd feel pretty awkward being one of three people enjoying light refreshments at the country club for an hour, but there's no many options here. I'd personally take out the gap.  The wedding is nice and small, I think you'll be able to find the time to take pictures with everyone. I don't know that you need a separate hour.

tammym1001

Having light refreshments at the church is a good idea. I'll have to ask if that's ok with them, but I hadn't even thought of that.

tammym1001

StageManager14 said:

I took a photo with my boss and his daughter at our wedding.  In fact, I have photos with most of my guests at the wedding.  I guess I just don't see where it's a huge deal.  But either way, I think having refreshments available and keeping the photos as short as possible is your best bet.  Take all the photos without the bride and groom together beforehand, and you should have the rest done in 20 minutes once the ceremony ends.

It's not that I don't want any pictures of them at all because I do, I just don't think they'll want to sit there and watch us take all our family and wedding party pictures.

So if the wedding starts at 2:30, done by 3:30 and we take 20 minutes of pictures then the cocktail hour could start at 4:00. So would I list it on the invitation as reception starting at 4:00 or just immediately following the ceremony? It only takes 10 minutes to get there and I don't want them to leave right away and then have to wait at the country club by themselves.

tammym1001

Liatris2010 said:

Do pictures at the country club during cocktail hour.

We did all of our family pictures during cocktail hour. My sister and H's brother just grabbed people from the cocktail space as they were needed for pictures, and then returned them after their minute of picture taking. As someone who has stood around for an hour to be in literally one family photo, I can tell you it is boring and made my feet hurt. I'd much rather put down my drink for a minute, smile for a picture, and then get back to it.

It is important for my FI to have family pictures taken at the church.

krizzo17

I'd do light refreshments for everyone at the church. If they feel awkward, they can duck out and say they'll meet everyone at the reception. Remember, it's not like you'll need all of those people for an hours worth of pictures, anyway - some of them may be sitting around for 20 minutes at a time, so it won't be just those three people sitting there watching everyone else. And since you invited your entire office, they'll know other people, too.

AJuliaNJ

tammym1001 said:

StageManager14 said:

I took a photo with my boss and his daughter at our wedding.  In fact, I have photos with most of my guests at the wedding.  I guess I just don't see where it's a huge deal.  But either way, I think having refreshments available and keeping the photos as short as possible is your best bet.  Take all the photos without the bride and groom together beforehand, and you should have the rest done in 20 minutes once the ceremony ends.

It's not that I don't want any pictures of them at all because I do, I just don't think they'll want to sit there and watch us take all our family and wedding party pictures.

So if the wedding starts at 2:30, done by 3:30 and we take 20 minutes of pictures then the cocktail hour could start at 4:00. So would I list it on the invitation as reception starting at 4:00 or just immediately following the ceremony? It only takes 10 minutes to get there and I don't want them to leave right away and then have to wait at the country club by themselves.

I wouldn't even consider that a gap. I'd say immediately following the ceremony. If I saw 4pm on the invitation, I might think that there was a bigger gap than there was.

Are the photos at the church? I'd just let them stick around. I don't know how you'd get the message to just these 3 people that everyone is staying, but they are supposed to go.

southernredandwhite85

I have a hard time believing it will take an hour to take photos with 25 people. If someone expected that I go home for an hour between the ceremony & reception, I'd probably go home and skip the reception. I'd rather go to the cocktail hour than stand around watching the bride & groom take photos. Treat your timeline like anyone else would - ceremony, cocktail hour immediately following, dinner/reception.

tammym1001

aefowler said:

I have a hard time believing it will take an hour to take photos with 25 people. If someone expected that I go home for an hour between the ceremony & reception, I'd probably go home and skip the reception. I'd rather go to the cocktail hour than stand around watching the bride & groom take photos. Treat your timeline like anyone else would - ceremony, cocktail hour immediately following, dinner/reception.

I don't know how long pictures will take so I was estimating an hour. The point of it was that there will only be 3 people not staying for pictures so I wasn't going to have a cocktail hour for only three people. It would be weird.

southernredandwhite85

If it were me, it'd be more weird for me to stand around watching you & everyone else taking photos for an hour than going to the reception site to have cocktails while looking at your decorations/flowers, bridal portrait, etc. and waiting for the wave of people to arrive.

Kate61487

I like the snacks at the church idea.  that way they can chat with the other guests they know while the photos are being done and can bow out and meet you at the reception if they'd rather. And it doesn't put them in the awkward position of being all alone at cocktail hour.

I've sat and waited through all the family photos at one of H's family weddings and totally didn't mind.  Probably helped that I was on baby duty with our littlest niece (who was only a week old at the time) so there was 'entertainment'.

misssunshine17

Is your ceremony actually going to take an hour? Unless it's a full Catholic ceremony, I've never been to one that has been that long. I would try to take any overestimating out. 

kipnus

We took our photos right after the ceremony. We started with extended family, then they went off to the cocktail hour. Next, was family, and then they left. All of these took about 20 minutes, tops. Then we did the BP pics. Lastly, H and I had pics with just the two of us. Nobody was standing around waiting to be in one picture at the end.

LavenderHoneyBee

First - having a gap is not a breach of etiquette. This is a regional thing that in some areas in completely normal. I'm Catholic and have never been to a wedding without a gap. It's just the nature of the beast when you have church ceremonies. 

But I digress. Your guests are adults and can figure out the time for themselves. Don't drive yourself crazy trying to plan something for three people. It's sweet you want to accommodate them, but I'm sure they will figure out something on their one. They can stay for a few pictures, and then maybe go to the venue early and get a drink at the bar, or kill time in some other fashion. 

crunchymamaof2

StageManager14 said:

First - having a gap is not a breach of etiquette. This is a regional thing that in some areas in completely normal. I'm Catholic and have never been to a wedding without a gap. It's just the nature of the beast when you have church ceremonies. 

But I digress. Your guests are adults and can figure out the time for themselves. Don't drive yourself crazy trying to plan something for three people. It's sweet you want to accommodate them, but I'm sure they will figure out something on their one. They can stay for a few pictures, and then maybe go to the venue early and get a drink at the bar, or kill time in some other fashion. 

Actually, yes it is against etiquette. And a church wedding is no excuse. Plenty of people manage church weddings without a gap.

This. You just have an earlier reception. There is no rule that says your reception must start after 5pm. I'm not having a church ceremony and my ceremony is at 1:30pm with the reception immediately following. Couples need to decide what is more important, having the church wedding or a later reception.

ashleyep

StageManager14 said:

First - having a gap is not a breach of etiquette. This is a regional thing that in some areas in completely normal. I'm Catholic and have never been to a wedding without a gap. It's just the nature of the beast when you have church ceremonies. 

But I digress. Your guests are adults and can figure out the time for themselves. Don't drive yourself crazy trying to plan something for three people. It's sweet you want to accommodate them, but I'm sure they will figure out something on their one. They can stay for a few pictures, and then maybe go to the venue early and get a drink at the bar, or kill time in some other fashion. 

Actually, yes it is against etiquette. And a church wedding is no excuse. Plenty of people manage church weddings without a gap.

Can I ask a question? And I don't mean this to be inflammatory or anything, but since when or where has it been decided that the gap, especially for a religious wedding, is so against etiquette? I have the Emily Post book on weddings and the only thing it mentions about the gap is that Catholic Weddings tend to have one, but not that they're unacceptable.

I see this repeated everywhere on here, but I can't seem to find anything about it in any of the etiquette books I've read. The only thing I can find online at the moment is from Marth Stewart Weddings and says "Though, in traditional etiquette, a pause between the ceremony and the reception is acceptable, there is perhaps nothing more reviled by guests. "

I would argue that you're not actually breaking any etiquette rules by having a gap, but that you will inconvenience guests.

http://www.marthastewartweddings.com/225919/reception-101-party-protocol

ashleyep

scribe95 said:

Isn't not inconveniencing/annoying guests sort of the point of etiquette?

Of course, but traditional etiquette also has very specific rules and exceptions.

To be clear, I'm not having a gap. I was just curious about this particular etiquette rule.

tammym1001

misssunshine17 said:

Is your ceremony actually going to take an hour? Unless it's a full Catholic ceremony, I've never been to one that has been that long. I would try to take any overestimating out. 

It is a Catholic ceremony so it will take an hour or so. I was only estimating the picture time and I based that on other weddings I've been in.

LavenderHoneyBee

scribe95 said:

Isn't not inconveniencing/annoying guests sort of the point of etiquette?

That is a valid point. However, you can't avoid ALL inconvenience/annoyance for every single guest. It just isn't possible to make everyone happy. One can try to avoid these inconveniences/annoyances but some are unavoidable. All you can do is hope to make the event as comfortable as possible, providing suggestions for ways for guests to fill the gap is one way to do this.

Bottom line - having a gap is not against etiquette. It might not be ideal. But it is not "rude". There are polite ways and rude ways to handle the gap. But the gap in and of it self is not an etiquette rule breaker.

ashleyep

Miss Manners Guide for the Turn of the Millenium, page 632, first question under Minor Customs.  

Thank you! I was genuinely curious.

tammym1001

Harry87 said:

LavenderHoneyBee said:

scribe95 said:

Isn't not inconveniencing/annoying guests sort of the point of etiquette?

That is a valid point. However, you can't avoid ALL inconvenience/annoyance for every single guest. It just isn't possible to make everyone happy. One can try to avoid these inconveniences/annoyances but some are unavoidable. All you can do is hope to make the event as comfortable as possible, providing suggestions for ways for guests to fill the gap is one way to do this.

Bottom line - having a gap is not against etiquette. It might not be ideal. But it is not "rude". There are polite ways and rude ways to handle the gap. But the gap in and of it self is not an etiquette rule breaker.

We're not talking about one or two guests, we're talking about all of them.

Bottom line, you should probably stop saying things that aren't true and that the majority agrees is rude.

I was actually only talking about 3 guests who might be inconvenienced for an hour or so and how I could fix that.

I agree that large gaps that affect all your guests are inconvenient and rude.

I think I'm going to talk to the church to see what we can do about having some refreshments at the church.

LavenderHoneyBee

Harry87 said:

LavenderHoneyBee said:

scribe95 said:

Isn't not inconveniencing/annoying guests sort of the point of etiquette?

That is a valid point. However, you can't avoid ALL inconvenience/annoyance for every single guest. It just isn't possible to make everyone happy. One can try to avoid these inconveniences/annoyances but some are unavoidable. All you can do is hope to make the event as comfortable as possible, providing suggestions for ways for guests to fill the gap is one way to do this.

Bottom line - having a gap is not against etiquette. It might not be ideal. But it is not "rude". There are polite ways and rude ways to handle the gap. But the gap in and of it self is not an etiquette rule breaker.

We're not talking about one or two guests, we're talking about all of them.

Bottom line, you should probably stop saying things that aren't true and that the majority agrees is rude.

LOL. This is something that drives me up the wall with "etiquette" boards. This issue is not an etiquette issue. It's something that comes down to cultural norms. In your circle, and many of the PPs, it might be deemed outrageous to have a gap. I understand that. However, in many many other circles - it's completely normal. Like I said, I've never been to one without a gap. Never did I think "how rude!". Most couples make accommodations of some sort. Or they don't.

And yes, Miss Manners has her thoughts on the subject. Many other "pros" disagree with her. That's fine. To each their own. But you can't point to one "expert" and say THIS IS THE END ALL BE ALL because it's convenient to your point.

[Deleted User]

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LavenderHoneyBee

Liatris2010 said:

Daizy914 said:

I have never been to a wedding that didn't have a gap. I always thought this was normal.

I don't think the gap is a big deal because not everyone goes to the ceremony. But that is just my opinion.

I have just learned that a gap is rude, but sometimes you can't help it. Maybe there was a ceremony prior to yours, or maybe you couldn't have the reception at the time right after the ceremony because there was an event going on prior to yours. I mean things happen.

At every single venue in town?
Unless you are in a super-small town and there are literally no other options, what you're describing isn't an excuse, it is poor planning.

You set up times with ceremony and reception venues long before your invites go out. If a venue can't accommodate you without there being a gap, pick a different venue. It isn't complicated.

Yes, at every single venue in town. That is why I pointed out that this can be a regional/cultural thing. My church will only marry us at 12 PM. Brutal - I know. There is not one venue within a 30 mile radius where we could have a reception prior to 6 PM. I'm not being dramatic. It just isn't how things are done here. For some venues it's because they host a 12 - 5 PM wedding, and then a 6 - 11PM. For others it's because they function as a restaurant during the day and close down for the weddings later. Regardless, I will provide options for my guests so they have options (which will include some type of hosted brunch/lunch). We will also be in a coastal beach town, so most guest are making a weekend out of it and will spend the time checking into hotel rooms, walking along the beach, etc. For those guests not making a trip out of it, they will be able to relax in the "hospitality suite" we will provide.

Like I said, a "gap" isn't ideal, but it isn't a breach of etiquette. How the B+G handle the gap is where etiquette comes into play.

Viczaesar

LavenderHoneyBee said:

Liatris2010 said:

Daizy914 said:

I have never been to a wedding that didn't have a gap. I always thought this was normal.

I don't think the gap is a big deal because not everyone goes to the ceremony. But that is just my opinion.

I have just learned that a gap is rude, but sometimes you can't help it. Maybe there was a ceremony prior to yours, or maybe you couldn't have the reception at the time right after the ceremony because there was an event going on prior to yours. I mean things happen.

At every single venue in town?
Unless you are in a super-small town and there are literally no other options, what you're describing isn't an excuse, it is poor planning.

You set up times with ceremony and reception venues long before your invites go out. If a venue can't accommodate you without there being a gap, pick a different venue. It isn't complicated.

Yes, at every single venue in town. That is why I pointed out that this can be a regional/cultural thing. My church will only marry us at 12 PM. Brutal - I know. There is not one venue within a 30 mile radius where we could have a reception prior to 6 PM. I'm not being dramatic. It just isn't how things are done here. For some venues it's because they host a 12 - 5 PM wedding, and then a 6 - 11PM. For others it's because they function as a restaurant during the day and close down for the weddings later. Regardless, I will provide options for my guests so they have options (which will include some type of hosted brunch/lunch). We will also be in a coastal beach town, so most guest are making a weekend out of it and will spend the time checking into hotel rooms, walking along the beach, etc. For those guests not making a trip out of it, they will be able to relax in the "hospitality suite" we will provide.

Like I said, a "gap" isn't ideal, but it isn't a breach of etiquette. How the B+G handle the gap is where etiquette comes into play.

So you take the 12-5 pm slot.  Problem solved.

plumander

Viczaesar said:

LavenderHoneyBee said:

Liatris2010 said:

Daizy914 said:

I have never been to a wedding that didn't have a gap. I always thought this was normal.

I don't think the gap is a big deal because not everyone goes to the ceremony. But that is just my opinion.

I have just learned that a gap is rude, but sometimes you can't help it. Maybe there was a ceremony prior to yours, or maybe you couldn't have the reception at the time right after the ceremony because there was an event going on prior to yours. I mean things happen.

At every single venue in town?
Unless you are in a super-small town and there are literally no other options, what you're describing isn't an excuse, it is poor planning.

You set up times with ceremony and reception venues long before your invites go out. If a venue can't accommodate you without there being a gap, pick a different venue. It isn't complicated.

Yes, at every single venue in town. That is why I pointed out that this can be a regional/cultural thing. My church will only marry us at 12 PM. Brutal - I know. There is not one venue within a 30 mile radius where we could have a reception prior to 6 PM. I'm not being dramatic. It just isn't how things are done here. For some venues it's because they host a 12 - 5 PM wedding, and then a 6 - 11PM. For others it's because they function as a restaurant during the day and close down for the weddings later. Regardless, I will provide options for my guests so they have options (which will include some type of hosted brunch/lunch). We will also be in a coastal beach town, so most guest are making a weekend out of it and will spend the time checking into hotel rooms, walking along the beach, etc. For those guests not making a trip out of it, they will be able to relax in the "hospitality suite" we will provide.

Like I said, a "gap" isn't ideal, but it isn't a breach of etiquette. How the B+G handle the gap is where etiquette comes into play.

So you take the 12-5 pm slot.  Problem solved.

I really don't think you can have a 0 minute ceremony.