Private ceremony and then symbolic ceremony with family/friends

Bel831

Hey Knotties,

I did some searching on the Boards and nothing was coming up within my search parameters on my issue. So here is the deal: my fiance and I have been pretty much planning our wedding since last summer. We picked the date and venue before we were even engaged, so there was no problem beginning the planning. Well we're getting down to the wire and have several things to take care of before the big day, so we sat down last night to work on a list of the remaining items. We got to the marriage license. This is when he tells me, "I want the license from West Virginia." (His home state, where we live currently.) However, we are having the wedding and reception at one venue in Virginia. I informed him you are supposed to get a marriage license in the county where you are getting married, in the state of Virginia. He said "Can't we get one here in WV because we live here?" And I proceeded to tell him that is not how it works. I even had to do some extensive internet searches to pull up the laws on marriage licenses for each state to prove it to him. Now he is telling me he wants to have a private ceremony with the officiant in WV the day before, and have a ceremony with the family and friends on our original date the next day.

I know a lot of you off the bat have negative things to say on this, but my question is more along the lines of: Has anyone done this? Even if not for the 'state' purposes, but just to have a private ceremony for themselves and then one with family on the same weekend or day? I was thinking since we are having an evening wedding, we could technically have our private and brief ceremony in the morning in WV. This way, its the same date as on the invitations so that wouldn't be a farse, just a matter of having a more elaborate symbolic ceremony in front of family and friends afterwards, and we wouldn't sign a certificate for that one.

I honestly don't care what state we have a piece of paper from, just trying to make my guy happy if I am able to since it apparently means so much to him. Don't hate on the guy for having no clue about proceedings, he thought a pot-luck reception was acceptable when we first started talking about a wedding last year...lol!

Looking for honest input and thoughts.

32daisies

Question. Will you be telling everyone attending the event that you were legally married that morning, in another state? Or keeping that quiet?

QueerFemme

Bel831 said:

Hey Knotties,

I did some searching on the Boards and nothing was coming up within my search parameters on my issue. So here is the deal: my fiance and I have been pretty much planning our wedding since last summer. We picked the date and venue before we were even engaged, so there was no problem beginning the planning. Well we're getting down to the wire and have several things to take care of before the big day, so we sat down last night to work on a list of the remaining items. We got to the marriage license. This is when he tells me, "I want the license from West Virginia." (His home state, where we live currently.) However, we are having the wedding and reception at one venue in Virginia. I informed him you are supposed to get a marriage license in the county where you are getting married, in the state of Virginia. He said "Can't we get one here in WV because we live here?" And I proceeded to tell him that is not how it works. I even had to do some extensive internet searches to pull up the laws on marriage licenses for each state to prove it to him. Now he is telling me he wants to have a private ceremony with the officiant in WV the day before, and have a ceremony with the family and friends on our original date the next day.

I know a lot of you off the bat have negative things to say on this, but my question is more along the lines of: Has anyone done this? Even if not for the 'state' purposes, but just to have a private ceremony for themselves and then one with family on the same weekend or day? I was thinking since we are having an evening wedding, we could technically have our private and brief ceremony in the morning in WV. This way, its the same date as on the invitations so that wouldn't be a farse, just a matter of having a more elaborate symbolic ceremony in front of family and friends afterwards, and we wouldn't sign a certificate for that one.

I honestly don't care what state we have a piece of paper from, just trying to make my guy happy if I am able to since it apparently means so much to him. Don't hate on the guy for having no clue about proceedings, he thought a pot-luck reception was acceptable when we first started talking about a wedding last year...lol!

Looking for honest input and thoughts.

If it is so important for him to be married in your home state, skip the re-do the next day and just host the reception/celebration. 

32daisies

StageManager14 said:

This is the stupidest reason to have a fake second ceremony I have ever read.  

Agreed. I'm just curious how far it goes.

itzMS

Bel831 said:

Hey Knotties,

I did some searching on the Boards and nothing was coming up within my search parameters on my issue. So here is the deal: my fiance and I have been pretty much planning our wedding since last summer. We picked the date and venue before we were even engaged, so there was no problem beginning the planning. Well we're getting down to the wire and have several things to take care of before the big day, so we sat down last night to work on a list of the remaining items. We got to the marriage license. This is when he tells me, "I want the license from West Virginia." (His home state, where we live currently.) However, we are having the wedding and reception at one venue in Virginia. I informed him you are supposed to get a marriage license in the county where you are getting married, in the state of Virginia. He said "Can't we get one here in WV because we live here?" And I proceeded to tell him that is not how it works. I even had to do some extensive internet searches to pull up the laws on marriage licenses for each state to prove it to him. Now he is telling me he wants to have a private ceremony with the officiant in WV the day before, and have a ceremony with the family and friends on our original date the next day.

I know a lot of you off the bat have negative things to say on this, but my question is more along the lines of: Has anyone done this? Even if not for the 'state' purposes, but just to have a private ceremony for themselves and then one with family on the same weekend or day? I was thinking since we are having an evening wedding, we could technically have our private and brief ceremony in the morning in WV. This way, its the same date as on the invitations so that wouldn't be a farse, just a matter of having a more elaborate symbolic ceremony in front of family and friends afterwards, and we wouldn't sign a certificate for that one.

I honestly don't care what state we have a piece of paper from, just trying to make my guy happy if I am able to since it apparently means so much to him. Don't hate on the guy for having no clue about proceedings, he thought a pot-luck reception was acceptable when we first started talking about a wedding last year...lol!

Looking for honest input and thoughts.

It's fine to have a private ceremony. It's not fine to have a second ceremony and "pretend" that your first ceremony didn't happen.

What's more concerning to me is why your FI is so adamant about where his marriage license is from. Why does it matter?

Maggie0829

If it was so important to him to get married in WV then why didn't you just plan the wedding in WV instead of VA?

And what Stage said.

harper0813

Why is he so determined to get a WV marriage license? What does WV have that the rest of us don't?

Bel831

@32daisies-I have no problem informing our wedding guests of the legal ceremony that morning. We talked about if we did this, we'd have our parents be a part of it, since they are the ones that would be most 'affected'. And then make announcement at the beginning of the evening ceremony.

@stagemanager14-don't hold back    My fiance is more concerned about the paper since we will be moving to VA and he won't have anything tying him to WV. Its important to him. I don't think his sentimentality is stupid.

Bel831

He doesn't have experience with wedding details, or the marriage license process. (thank goodness for obvious other reasons) I think had he asked these questions last year, we probably would have gotten married in WV at his request. He didn't know, and I never thought anything of it to bring it up. Again, doesn't matter to me which state.

BangBangs39

@Bel831 the way I see it, if your OK with it, and it means a lot to your groom... then go for it.  I have never seen that before, but I completely understand when something is sentimental, and if it is that important to him then you should let him have it. I don't see anything wrong with two ceremonies.  I would suggest making them slightly different though. Ex. if your using traditional vows in one ceremony, write your own for the other. 

Good luck!!

bunni727

How about taking some engagement pictures in WVa before you move, or doing a "day-after" session, so he has some actual sentimental memorabilia that can be put up in the house?

Bel831

What we discussed is having the very minimum, basic, required by law, legal ceremony. ie: 5 minutes just to have it legally performed in WV with the officiant and witnesses so when it is processed he has his documentation.

Then for our symbolic ceremony with everyone in the evening, we are having friends do poem readings, as well as some other spiritual related things we want to do with everyone present, say our vows which we are writing ourselves, etc.

jlm9113

If your FI's reasoning is truly that he thinks the marriage license "ties" him to the state... he's being absurd.  If there was a legitimate reason, like, for example (and this is a fake example) marrying in WV means you can share health benefits but marrying in VA means you can't, then I would understand the insistence on getting the license from and marrying in WV.

But that STILL doesn't mean you have a reason to have two ceremonies.  You'd have your ceremony in WV and then your reception in VA. 

MrsMack10612

Have your invitations gone out yet?  If not, drop the second ceremony and just invite the guests to the party.

Bel831

Liatris2010 said:

Bel831 said:

@32daisies-I have no problem informing our wedding guests of the legal ceremony that morning. We talked about if we did this, we'd have our parents be a part of it, since they are the ones that would be most 'affected'. And then make announcement at the beginning of the evening ceremony.

But then skip the re-enactment ceremony. No one wants to see a fake wedding. You can have a party and celebrate with everyone without putting on a bride costume and pretending to get married.

@stagemanager14-don't hold back    My fiance is more concerned about the paper since we will be moving to VA and he won't have anything tying him to WV. Its important to him. I don't think his sentimentality is stupid.

Why would a wedding certificate be sentimental? It goes on file with the county clerk. Your FI would have literally nothing from WV, no photos, memories, nothing? The only thing he could have from WV would be a marriage lic? I don't buy it.

He's like that, he still has an old adidas jacket he got in Italy 14 years ago, that is thread bare and has holes, but refuses to throw it out because its from a memorable trip. (even though he has photos from the visit.) You can have a paper copy of the certificate to keep for yourself and that's what he wants. He didn't go to college there or I'm sure a degree from WVU would have sufficed as his connection to the state...lol

STARMOON44

As a guest, if you don't care enough to have me there when you actually get married, I don't want to sit through an hour of let's-play-pretend-wedding. That's a really silly reason. Are you going to tell Grandma "oh, no, you won't be able to see the moment we become husband and wife, cause hubbie loves west Virginia."? Really?

Take engagement photos in WVA. Buy a favor from there. Use the state flower for decor. But it's a terrible reason for a fake ceremony.

bananapants628

I have to agree with Stage and Liatris. A piece of paper with WVA on it should not be the only thing "tying" him to the state. Just seems a bit odd...

I like Bunni's idea of doing E pics in WVA before you guys move. I think those will be more sentimental than a paper that gets filed away in a drawer somewhere.

AddieCake

Is he FROM WV originally?  Doesn't he have memories to tie him there? A birth certificate? A high school or college diploma?

Bel831

We actually did have engagement photo session done in WV. If we had the time and unlimited funds, we would move the whole thing to WV so everyone could be there- unfortunately I can't get my money back for what we already have booked.

misshart00

Bel831 said:

Liatris2010 said:

Bel831 said:

@32daisies-I have no problem informing our wedding guests of the legal ceremony that morning. We talked about if we did this, we'd have our parents be a part of it, since they are the ones that would be most 'affected'. And then make announcement at the beginning of the evening ceremony.

But then skip the re-enactment ceremony. No one wants to see a fake wedding. You can have a party and celebrate with everyone without putting on a bride costume and pretending to get married.

@stagemanager14-don't hold back    My fiance is more concerned about the paper since we will be moving to VA and he won't have anything tying him to WV. Its important to him. I don't think his sentimentality is stupid.

Why would a wedding certificate be sentimental? It goes on file with the county clerk. Your FI would have literally nothing from WV, no photos, memories, nothing? The only thing he could have from WV would be a marriage lic? I don't buy it.

He's like that, he still has an old adidas jacket he got in Italy 14 years ago, that is thread bare and has holes, but refuses to throw it out because its from a memorable trip. (even though he has photos from the visit.) You can have a paper copy of the certificate to keep for yourself and that's what he wants. He didn't go to college there or I'm sure a degree from WVU would have sufficed as his connection to the state...lol

I know you get a paper copy, but you're not planning on hanging it in your house, are you?  I think I have 12 official copies of our license.  I agree with PP about taking some engagement photos or day after photos there.  A marriage licence doesn't tie you to the state.

daveANDkristen

How far apart are the cities where the wedding and reception are being held?  Could you just move your real ceremony to WV and then drive across the border to the venue that you chose for the reception (and original ceremony)?  You said you could do them in the same day but does that mean they are border towns half an hour apart or a few hours apart that you and FI could squeeze into the same day in a pinch?

misshart00

StageManager14 said:

STARMOON44 said:

As a guest, if you don't care enough to have me there when you actually get married, I don't want to sit through an hour of let's-play-pretend-wedding. That's a really silly reason. Are you going to tell Grandma "oh, no, you won't be able to see the moment we become husband and wife, cause hubbie loves west Virginia."? Really?

Take engagement photos in WVA. Buy a favor from there. Use the state flower for decor. But it's a terrible reason for a fake ceremony.

This.  It doesn't matter how "bare bones" the wedding ceremony is or how many readings are done at the fake second show.  One is the ceremony that unites you in marriage, the other is play acting.  If having WVA on the marriage certificate is more important than having your loved ones there to see you get married, then own that shit and don't make them sit through a fake do-over.

And this. Does the state name on your marriage license really mean more to you than who you're marrying and having yor friends and family there to witness it? Look at your priorities.

itzMS

@Bel831, Let's be real here...you're moving to Virginia....not across the country or overseas. Isn't it max 3 hours to drive to WVA from VA? I mean, they're bordering states.

Take your FI to visit his beloved WVA on the weekends.

Don't have a fake ceremony.

Bel831

He was born in VA, and after he left the hospital was raised in WV. So even his birth certificate is VA.

It sounds like it just is so much of a disturbance to everyone on here. I guess I'll check in with both of our families and see what they think.

I wish our venue was closer to the WV border, then we could have the ceremony with everyone in WV>then head over to the VA venue for reception. But its over 2 hour drive, not convenient enough to cart everyone back and forth.

Bel831

daveANDkristen said:

How far apart are the cities where the wedding and reception are being held?  Could you just move your real ceremony to WV and then drive across the border to the venue that you chose for the reception (and original ceremony)?  You said you could do them in the same day but does that mean they are border towns half an hour apart or a few hours apart that you and FI could squeeze into the same day in a pinch?

About 2 hours...unfortunately none of our families live near the venue or near us. So its already a quite a drive to one place. I'd hate to ask people to spend 5+hours of the day driving to WV then venue in VA then back to wherever their homes are. Its too short of a day to fit everything in, our ceremony is at sunset. Too exhausting.

OjitosVerdes

Ditto everyone. There isn't any chance he's already legally married in VA, is there? Because that is honestly the only thing I can think of that would make him so adamant about not getting married there. 

AddieCake

Have him take his pic by the WV state line sign and move on with life. 

bunni727

Oh, I have an idea. Your FI likes tangible things, rather than photos, right?

How about this: do a "sand ceremony" at the wedding, but with dirt. His jar can be from WV, and yours can be from wherever you are from. He can't "keep" the wedding, but he could keep a jar of dirt.


ETA: hell, they could both be from WV, if he'd like that.

Bel831

No, he hasn't been married. He's just a good ol' WV boy proud of his state.

I prefer not complicating our day anymore than we have to, trust me. I think at this point I just will tell him if I knew about this months ago, we could have done something better, but as it stands it is just too short of notice to change plans aside from canceling and starting over. I don't want to piss any family members off and/or deal with legalities of who/what/where. If I had my way we would have just got married at the justice of the peace and had a party, but he wanted a ceremony. Go figure.

bakerie

Bel831 said:

@32daisies-I have no problem informing our wedding guests of the legal ceremony that morning. We talked about if we did this, we'd have our parents be a part of it, since they are the ones that would be most 'affected'. And then make announcement at the beginning of the evening ceremony.

@stagemanager14-don't hold back    My fiance is more concerned about the paper since we will be moving to VA and he won't have anything tying him to WV. Its important to him. I don't think his sentimentality is stupid.

Wait, so people wouldn't know you were already married until right before the second ceremony? That makes this idea even worse. At least give people a chance to skip the fake one.

@bunni727, I loved your post because I think that's a fantastic idea to appease her FI.

vineheart137

Okay, I kind of understand his sentimentality. Before I got married I lived in Gainesville, FL for school, but was born and raised in Miami. Hubby was raised in Orlando. When hubby and I went to get our marriage license I wrote my Gainesville address on it because that's the address on my driver's license. Hubby wrote his Orlando address. While we were waiting for the clerk to finish whatever she was doing on the computer, I thought to myself "I kind of wish I had put Miami on the license" because for all intents and purposes I consider Miami my home, not Gainesville. Hubby got his hometown on the license but I didn't and I was mildly sad about that for some reason, LOL. Then I forgot about it five minutes later haha. (If anyone's curious, we now live in Orlando.)

So while I am kind of sympathetic to your FI's sentimentality, I don't think he realizes that the address on the license isn't going to make a lick of difference in the long run. Unless you guys plan on framing your license and hanging it in the living room, it's just going to sit in a drawer or file cabinet and eventually he won't even think about it. It really isn't a good enough reason for two ceremonies. Honestly, I personally wouldn't consider it a good enough reason to not have my family and friends witness my actual marriage ceremony, but that's up to you and FI.

Either have the private one and then just a reception later, or just get the license in VA and forget about it, and have your wedding as planned. Whatever you do, DON'T have two ceremonies.