Guests asking to bring the rest of the family...

hendersonar

My fiance and I decided that we did not want to have children at the wedding.  Our reception is at a very fancy, non child friendly restaurant.  We have already told multiple people that we weren't having children at the reception.  My mom insisted that I invite her cousins to the wedding- I have not seen any of them since I was little.  At my shower, one of the cousins asked my mom if she could bring her 2 adult daughters and ALL OF THEIR CHILDREN- that's 7 extra people!!!  My mom said yes without asking me.  No matter what I say, she won't back down and tell the cousin that we really can't have any extra people.  Not only is the no kids thing an issue, this is an expensive venue with no discount for the kids food.  My fiance's mother just found out and said "This will destroy relationships between me and my extended family"- we didn't even invite my fiance's teenage cousins.  My mom has put me in a really awkward position.  I am not close with this cousin and if I call and tell her that we really can't accommodate the extra people it will cause a huge fight between my mom's family.  On the other hand, if I let them come, there will be issues with my fiances family.  Any ideas on what to do?  My mom and I already got into a huge argument about it and she thinks I'm being rude!

JoanE2012

hendersonar said:

My fiance and I decided that we did not want to have children at the wedding.  Our reception is at a very fancy, non child friendly restaurant.  We have already told multiple people that we weren't having children at the reception.  My mom insisted that I invite her cousins to the wedding- I have not seen any of them since I was little.  At my shower, one of the cousins asked my mom if she could bring her 2 adult daughters and ALL OF THEIR CHILDREN- that's 7 extra people!!!  My mom said yes without asking me.  No matter what I say, she won't back down and tell the cousin that we really can't have any extra people.  Not only is the no kids thing an issue, this is an expensive venue with no discount for the kids food.  My fiance's mother just found out and said "This will destroy relationships between me and my extended family"- we didn't even invite my fiance's teenage cousins.  My mom has put me in a really awkward position.  I am not close with this cousin and if I call and tell her that we really can't accommodate the extra people it will cause a huge fight between my mom's family.  On the other hand, if I let them come, there will be issues with my fiances family.  Any ideas on what to do?  My mom and I already got into a huge argument about it and she thinks I'm being rude!

Who is paying?

HisGirlFriday13

Ditto -- who's paying?

If it's you/your FI, then you tell your mom, "Mom, I'm sorry you went and said that without consulting me, because I'm going to have to call them and say no, which I know will make you look bad, but that's not my fault."

If your mother is paying, then you're SOL -- whoever pays gets a say.

hendersonar

My mom is paying for about 1/3 of the wedding- we are covering the rest.  I agree- if she was paying for the whole thing then she can invite who she wants. 

hendersonar

And its not even really all about the money, although that is an issue- its that we've already had to tell people specifically that we are not having children at the reception.  Up until this happened we were really strict and sticking to our plan and had to tell multiple people that they needed to make child care arrangements.

MobKaz

Your cousin is the cause of this fiasco by making such a rude request.

I agree that you should call her and explain that your mom was caught off guard and agreed to something that was not her decision to make.  Further explain that the guest list is closed and no additional accommodations can be made.

Expect some anger from your mom, but hold firm.  Right now the damage can be contained.  If you allow the additional guests, the collateral damage will be much greater.

If they haven't been sent out yet, hold on tight to those invitations.  If they have, put any spares under lock and key.

hendersonar

Thanks for the responses- I really just wanted to make sure I wasn't crazy for thinking this way.  And yes, I totally agree- I cannot believe this cousin for even asking! 

I'm going to let my mom sleep on it and I'll see what she says tomorrow when I talk to her- maybe she'll realize she's being crazy!

vineheart137

lemclane said:

Ditto -- who's paying?

If it's you/your FI, then you tell your mom, "Mom, I'm sorry you went and said that without consulting me, because I'm going to have to call them and say no, which I know will make you look bad, but that's not my fault."

If your mother is paying, then you're SOL -- whoever pays gets a say.

Ditto the bold. Both your mom and the cousin are the ones out of line here - Your mom for inviting SEVEN extra people without consulting with you, and your cousin for asking if it was okay to bring seven extra guests. That's not your fault.

southernbelle0915

Explain to your mom that it was her error and she should correct it or you will call your cousin and do it for her. In the event you have to call your cousin, apologize for the confusion but explain exactly what you did here "we aren't having any children from either side of the family, we can't invite some and not all, we hope you and your husband are still able to join us."

QueerFemme

If your mom won't call cousin and explain that she was mistaken, and that she is welcome to come, but the kids gotta stay home, then make the call yourself. 

misssunshine17

Your mom is way out of line, as is the cousin for evening asking about all the extra people. You mom made the mistake and now she'll have to deal with any backlash. 

kmmssg

If she won't deal with this immediately after "sleeping on it", you need to get on the phone and fix this.  I absolutely see why your FMIL reacted the way she did and that isn't your fault - it is your mother's.  Make sure FMIL knows you are going to take care of this and then do so immediately if your mother hasn't.  Make sure you KNOW your mom took care of this.  If you don't hear the phone call, make it yourself.

Jen4948

kmmssg said:

If she won't deal with this immediately after "sleeping on it", you need to get on the phone and fix this.  I absolutely see why your FMIL reacted the way she did and that isn't your fault - it is your mother's.  Make sure FMIL knows you are going to take care of this and then do so immediately if your mother hasn't.  Make sure you KNOW your mom took care of this.  If you don't hear the phone call, make it yourself.

This.  Whatever you do, you have to fix it with the cousin and make sure she understands not to bring her children because they were not invited and can't be accommodated, make sure your FMIL knows you dealt with this, and make sure your mother understands not to invite any more children.  Period.  I wouldn't trust your mother to make the calls at this point-make them yourself.

I'm sorry you have to go through this crap.  Best wishes!