UPDATE: Advice for my Friend

[Deleted User]

A friend of mine (Courtney) needs some advice. I really don't know what to tell her at this point. In a couple of days Courtney is turning 21. And a few days later her older brother is getting married to a bridezilla. I'm talking literally about a girl that belongs on that show. She is rude, freaks out, should probably be on medication... anyways... The bride/groom decided to have the rehearsal dinner the night of Courtney's 21st birthday.

She had approached them this morning and apologized, saying that she might leave a little early so she could go hang out with her friends who had planned her a party (this was after she caught wind that the bride was refusing any birthday celebration for Courtney from her parents and was literally crying when she heard that Courtney's mom went to order a cake. She said any extra money should go into the wedding funds).

Then, Her brother threw a fit and said that she was not allowed to leave early, she cannot drink at the rehearsal dinner, and that if she did she would be uninvited to the wedding.

Any advice I can pass onto her?

Edit: Spacing between paragraphs

[Deleted User]

I wouldn't show up at all, but that's me.  Sounds like they don't give a shit if she's there or not.  I certainly wouldn't cave - that sets a dangerous precedent.

[Deleted User]

LMc0322 said:

I wouldn't show up at all, but that's me.  Sounds like they don't give a shit if she's there or not.  I certainly wouldn't cave - that sets a dangerous precedent.

I just texted her this and she said her parents would be upset if she did not show up. There is also the little thing that the wedding is 6 hours away and that the groom paid for the rooms at a hotel and insisted that the only room available for Courtney and her husband was a room attached to Courtney's parents. It can be locked, but she still feels awkward.

manateehugger

1. 21st birthday parties aren't that big of a deal in the long run. I spent mine as a bridesmaid in my friend's wedding. I had an open bar and good food - not too shabby. Life doesn't end or begin with 21st birthdays.

2. Is there a reason her parents are silent on this issue? Why aren't the parents standing up to their ridiculous DIL and son? Her mom literally said "Guess we will ignore my daughter's B-day then?"

3. She's letting this SIL having way too much control. Tell her "I'm sorry I will miss part of the festivities, but my friends have planned something for me so I will have to slip out a little early. Tomorrow will be all about you." Call their bluff if the brother is disinviting her.

I feel like there might be more to this story.

ETA I also agree with Stage. This whole thing sounds like a nonissue that immature people are making an issue.

[Deleted User]

StageManager14 said:

Personally, I think it's a bit childish to put your birthday above a wedding you've agreed to be in, but I also think that forbidding her to drink at the RD (unless it is a dry RD and she's talking about bringing in her own) is childish too.  And wanting to leave early and "forbidding" her to leave early are both bratty as well.

So, in short, I think all 3 of these people sound immature and rude.  

She is not a BM and has no speeches, is sitting with the grandparents and that is it.

[Deleted User]

PDKH said:

1. 21st birthday parties aren't that big of a deal in the long run. I spent mine as a bridesmaid in my friend's wedding. I had an open bar and good food - not too shabby. Life doesn't end or begin with 21st birthdays. 2. Is there a reason her parents are silent on this issue? Why aren't the parents standing up to their ridiculous DIL and son? Her mom literally said "Guess we will ignore my daughter's B-day then?" 3. She's letting this SIL having way too much control. Tell her "I'm sorry I will miss part of the festivities, but my friends have planned something for me so I will have to slip out a little early. Tomorrow will be all about you." Call their bluff if the brother is disinviting her. I feel like there might be more to this story.

There might be. I honestly am just texting her and trying to help. I guess her mom asked her if she would be okay with them celebrating it after the wedding and the wedding is three days after her birthday. Her brother/groom reserved the rooms for three nights for family members. So she is staying up there for a couple days.

It is also a dry reception

[Deleted User]

Stage makes a great point that I hadn't thought of.  Question: did she know of the date of the rehearsal dinner when she made plans for the party? I'm not a big birthday person at all, I hate celebrating mine and my 21st birthday was spent with my parents, but I'm going to treat this like any other previous engagement that she may have had.

manateehugger

awebb04 said:

PDKH said:

1. 21st birthday parties aren't that big of a deal in the long run. I spent mine as a bridesmaid in my friend's wedding. I had an open bar and good food - not too shabby. Life doesn't end or begin with 21st birthdays.

2. Is there a reason her parents are silent on this issue? Why aren't the parents standing up to their ridiculous DIL and son? Her mom literally said "Guess we will ignore my daughter's B-day then?"

3. She's letting this SIL having way too much control. Tell her "I'm sorry I will miss part of the festivities, but my friends have planned something for me so I will have to slip out a little early. Tomorrow will be all about you." Call their bluff if the brother is disinviting her.

I feel like there might be more to this story.

There might be. I honestly am just texting her and trying to help. I guess her mom asked her if she would be okay with them celebrating it after the wedding and the wedding is three days after her birthday. Her brother/groom reserved the rooms for three nights for family members. So she is staying up there for a couple days.



I get that she is bummed. And yes, I think her brother is being a jerk in this scenario.

But seriously, birthdays come every year. Weddings are usually once in a lifetime events. If I were her, I would mope quietly to my friends and then move on. No one cares about 21st birthdays except kids who want to be able to legally drink. Big girl panties. Be more mature than her SIL and brother.

[Deleted User]

Wait, did I miss something? What does it being a dry reception have to do with anything? Does that mean the RD is dry? Well then yeah, I'd be pissed if she smuggled booze in and tried to drink it just because it was her birthday.  Drinking is just not that big of a deal. She can do it another night.

[Deleted User]

LMc0322 said:

Stage makes a great point that I hadn't thought of.  Question: did she know of the date of the rehearsal dinner when she made plans for the party? I'm not a big birthday person at all, I hate celebrating mine and my 21st birthday was spent with my parents, but I'm going to treat this like any other previous engagement that she may have had.

It was originally supposed to be the day before the wedding. But the Bride wanted to treat herself to a vacation so moved the rehearsal to Courtney's Birthday.

manateehugger

And good Lord, she can get over the dry reception. She'll have to rest of her life to drink. It's not that big of a deal.

[Deleted User]

I don't think Courtney shoudl throw a fit because they moved it to her birthday.  If she already had plans, I guess that's one thing.  But it's just a birthday - it's not the end of the world.  I personally wouldn't miss my brother's RD to go drink on my birthday.

[Deleted User]

PDKH said:

And good Lord, she can get over the dry reception. She'll have to rest of her life to drink. It's not that big of a deal.

I told her we could still go out and have a celebration when she gets back, but she is still hurt. I think a majority of it is that she hates the FSIL.

[Deleted User]

StageManager14 said:

awebb04 said:

StageManager14 said:

Personally, I think it's a bit childish to put your birthday above a wedding you've agreed to be in, but I also think that forbidding her to drink at the RD (unless it is a dry RD and she's talking about bringing in her own) is childish too.  And wanting to leave early and "forbidding" her to leave early are both bratty as well.

So, in short, I think all 3 of these people sound immature and rude.  

She is not a BM and has no speeches, is sitting with the grandparents and that is it.

So what?  She is the grooms brother.  And I'm sorry but weddings trump birthdays.  I would be seriously hurt if my brother had bailed on my RD to go get shitfaced with his buddies.  

Yes, they should. I will pass this onto her.

[Deleted User]

awebb04 said:

PDKH said:

And good Lord, she can get over the dry reception. She'll have to rest of her life to drink. It's not that big of a deal.

I told her we could still go out and have a celebration when she gets back, but she is still hurt. I think a majority of it is that she hates the FSIL.

That's what it sounds like to me.  And FSIL definitely sounds like a piece of work.  But I'd probably suck it up for my brother and then be happy I'm not married to this woman.  It seems like a big deal to turn 21 when it's happening to you, but it's really just not.

MrsMack10612

StageManager14 said:

awebb04 said:

StageManager14 said:

Personally, I think it's a bit childish to put your birthday above a wedding you've agreed to be in, but I also think that forbidding her to drink at the RD (unless it is a dry RD and she's talking about bringing in her own) is childish too.  And wanting to leave early and "forbidding" her to leave early are both bratty as well.

So, in short, I think all 3 of these people sound immature and rude.  

She is not a BM and has no speeches, is sitting with the grandparents and that is it.

So what?  She is the grooms brother.  And I'm sorry but weddings trump birthdays.  I would be seriously hurt if my brother had bailed on my RD to go get shitfaced with his buddies.  

I think everyone is being very immature about all of this.  However, if the birthday party with friends was planned before the bride changed the RD date and they spent any money on it, seems fair that Courtney could slip out a little early to attend that too.

I wish everyone believed this, I was actually told by my dad that he mostly likely wouldn't attend my R/RD because it was his youngest child's birthday.  He did end up coming but not without drama.

manateehugger

awebb04 said:

PDKH said:

And good Lord, she can get over the dry reception. She'll have to rest of her life to drink. It's not that big of a deal.

I told her we could still go out and have a celebration when she gets back, but she is still hurt. I think a majority of it is that she hates the FSIL.


Yeah and that's where the maturity needs to set in. She needs to just realize that the SIL is a bit of a brat, but to just move on. Seriously. 21st birthdays are not a big deal. I can't say that enough. Just give her tough love. You're letting her whine.

Weddings trump birthdays. Besides, the fact that the wedding was close to her birthday can be sudden news. She's had time to realize it.

[Deleted User]

LMc0322 said:

Wait, did I miss something? What does it being a dry reception have to do with anything? Does that mean the RD is dry? Well then yeah, I'd be pissed if she smuggled booze in and tried to drink it just because it was her birthday.  Drinking is just not that big of a deal. She can do it another night.

No, she is not going to try and smuggle in booze. She just doesn't think it is appropriate for her brother to dictate whether or not she can have a drink. I don't know if the RD is dry. I just pointed it out that the reception was dry since you said that the one you went to on your 21st birthday had an open bar.

[Deleted User]

awebb04 said:

LMc0322 said:

Wait, did I miss something? What does it being a dry reception have to do with anything? Does that mean the RD is dry? Well then yeah, I'd be pissed if she smuggled booze in and tried to drink it just because it was her birthday.  Drinking is just not that big of a deal. She can do it another night.

No, she is not going to try and smuggle in booze. She just doesn't think it is appropriate for her brother to dictate whether or not she can have a drink. I don't know if the RD is dry. I just pointed it out that the reception was dry since you said that the one you went to on your 21st birthday had an open bar.

Not me, but not important.  I just wanted to clarify.  If there's alcohol and she's of age, he has no right to say that to her.  If she's not (say, it's 10pm the day before her 21st), I wouldn't want a minor drinking at my event either, no matter how close she is. I was just confused as to how she'd be drinking if there wasn't any alcohol Thanks for clearing it up!

manateehugger

awebb04 said:

LMc0322 said:

Wait, did I miss something? What does it being a dry reception have to do with anything? Does that mean the RD is dry? Well then yeah, I'd be pissed if she smuggled booze in and tried to drink it just because it was her birthday.  Drinking is just not that big of a deal. She can do it another night.

No, she is not going to try and smuggle in booze. She just doesn't think it is appropriate for her brother to dictate whether or not she can have a drink. I don't know if the RD is dry. I just pointed it out that the reception was dry since you said that the one you went to on your 21st birthday had an open bar.


That was me. And I mentioned the wedding to show you that my 21st wasn't about me. And that was fine.

If it is a dry RD, I think the brother absolutely gets to tell her no alcohol.

Courtney needs to be more concerned about her brother and his wedding than her access to booze.

[Deleted User]

StageManager14 said:

Okay, honestly, she sounds whinier and more immature the more you post. No, it is not okay to BYOB to a dry RD, it is not okay to bitch and moan about a dry reception, and if she wants a different hotel room, she and her husband can pay for it.  I don't get why locking adjoining doors are that big of a deal anyway, especially for a FREE room.  

Gotta be honest, I wonder how much the bride and groom are ACTUALLY saying/demanding/crying etc and how much is drama llama sister exaggerating stuff when she tells you.

This.  At first I was sympathetic because it seemed she had pre-planned going to another event before the RD was moved.  However, in thinking about it, and reading your additional information, I think Courtney needs to suck it up, accept her FREE ROOM, and not worry about her partying for 1 day.  You'll take her out when she gets back and all will be well.  You said she's married? I wonder if her brother came to her rehearsal dinner.

[Deleted User]

I do feel bad for her though... Because this has been drama after drama after drama with her family this year, and with her inlaws, so I get it that she wanted to celebrate her 21st birthday and finally relax. Yes, she can be very immature and yes, she probably escalated most of the drama this year because she is very high strung and easily offended.

I pointed out to her that she is probably stressed out because
1. not not trying to get pregnant (no protection, it happens it happens thing. Not necessarily trying, but leaving it be and taking her temperature daily).
2. she just moved into a new condo
3. she is in the middle of a huge fight with her husbands family

She agreed that she was stressed and she will be as pleasant as possible at the RD.

manateehugger

Yeah, I was thinking that she had a party planned for her it was kind of crummy that she'd miss it.

But it sounds like she is out of town away from her friends. In which case it would be total BS for her to leave so she can go buy some booze somewhere.

[Deleted User]

Yeah, this post order thing is getting super confusing.

She's stressed over the fact that she went off of birth control but they're not actively trying to get pregnant? I'm going to need that explained to me.  Also, Courtney now has a fight with her and her H's sides of the family? Maybe it's Courtney.

cwaggoner07

My brother's RD was on my birthday. I completely 100% did not care. I actually thought it was really cool to be around so much family on my birthday.

Seriously, You have the rest of your life to drink. 

[Deleted User]

StageManager14 said:

Okay, honestly, she sounds whinier and more immature the more you post. No, it is not okay to BYOB to a dry RD, it is not okay to bitch and moan about a dry reception, and if she wants a different hotel room, she and her husband can pay for it.  I don't get why locking adjoining doors are that big of a deal anyway, especially for a FREE room.  

Gotta be honest, I wonder how much the bride and groom are ACTUALLY saying/demanding/crying etc and how much is drama llama sister exaggerating stuff when she tells you.

I would say the same thing, except for the fact that I met the bride several times during a meltdown... just, no words... The bride/groom have a dog from the same litter that Courtney has one from. The bride (32 years old mind you) was at Courtney's dads house and Courtney and I swung by to pick some stuff up from her dad. Courtney brought the dog in, has done it before. The bride came up the stairs and started screaming, grabbed her own dog I(from the same litter as Courtney's) talking about how allergic she is to dogs. She started freaking out, fell to her knees, clasping at her throat saying she couldn't breath. I grabbed Courtney's dog and put her out in the car and the bride was fine when I came in.

So yes... I actually do believe her. That was beyond... anything I have ever seen before and that was only one of the times I've seen this bride melt down on the few occasions I've met her.

[Deleted User]

LMc0322 said:

awebb04 said:

LMc0322 said:

Wait, did I miss something? What does it being a dry reception have to do with anything? Does that mean the RD is dry? Well then yeah, I'd be pissed if she smuggled booze in and tried to drink it just because it was her birthday.  Drinking is just not that big of a deal. She can do it another night.

No, she is not going to try and smuggle in booze. She just doesn't think it is appropriate for her brother to dictate whether or not she can have a drink. I don't know if the RD is dry. I just pointed it out that the reception was dry since you said that the one you went to on your 21st birthday had an open bar.

Not me, but not important.  I just wanted to clarify.  If there's alcohol and she's of age, he has no right to say that to her.  If she's not (say, it's 10pm the day before her 21st), I wouldn't want a minor drinking at my event either, no matter how close she is. I was just confused as to how she'd be drinking if there wasn't any alcohol Thanks for clearing it up!

Ooops, sorry!!!

manateehugger

awebb04 said:

StageManager14 said:

Okay, honestly, she sounds whinier and more immature the more you post. No, it is not okay to BYOB to a dry RD, it is not okay to bitch and moan about a dry reception, and if she wants a different hotel room, she and her husband can pay for it.  I don't get why locking adjoining doors are that big of a deal anyway, especially for a FREE room.  

Gotta be honest, I wonder how much the bride and groom are ACTUALLY saying/demanding/crying etc and how much is drama llama sister exaggerating stuff when she tells you.

I would say the same thing, except for the fact that I met the bride several times during a meltdown... just, no words... The bride/groom have a dog from the same litter that Courtney has one from. The bride (32 years old mind you) was at Courtney's dads house and Courtney and I swung by to pick some stuff up from her dad. Courtney brought the dog in, has done it before. The bride came up the stairs and started screaming, grabbed her own dog I(from the same litter as Courtney's) talking about how allergic she is to dogs. She started freaking out, fell to her knees, clasping at her throat saying she couldn't breath. I grabbed Courtney's dog and put her out in the car and the bride was fine when I came in.

So yes... I actually do believe her. That was beyond... anything I have ever seen before and that was only one of the times I've seen this bride melt down on the few occasions I've met her.


Ok fine, the bride is a little nutty. This isn't really relevant to the fact that Courtney wants to ditch her brother's RD so she can go drink.

[Deleted User]

StageManager14 said:

LingerLonger1 said:

StageManager14 said:

First off, if the reception is dry, I would assume the RD is dry.  That makes far more sense than singling out ONE legal adult to tell them they can't drink.  If the bride and groom are providing alcohol and are just saying SHE can't drink, then yes they are being assbags.  

Second, is the post order screwing up for anyone else?

It seems to be.

At least it's not just me.  I keep reading responses to posts I haven't read yet, going WTF?

Yes, same here

[Deleted User]

awebb04 said:

LMc0322 said:

awebb04 said:

LMc0322 said:

Wait, did I miss something? What does it being a dry reception have to do with anything? Does that mean the RD is dry? Well then yeah, I'd be pissed if she smuggled booze in and tried to drink it just because it was her birthday.  Drinking is just not that big of a deal. She can do it another night.

No, she is not going to try and smuggle in booze. She just doesn't think it is appropriate for her brother to dictate whether or not she can have a drink. I don't know if the RD is dry. I just pointed it out that the reception was dry since you said that the one you went to on your 21st birthday had an open bar.

Not me, but not important.  I just wanted to clarify.  If there's alcohol and she's of age, he has no right to say that to her.  If she's not (say, it's 10pm the day before her 21st), I wouldn't want a minor drinking at my event either, no matter how close she is. I was just confused as to how she'd be drinking if there wasn't any alcohol Thanks for clearing it up!

Ooops, sorry!!!

Ha no reason to apologize.  I was just making sure I hadn't been to an awesome party my 21st where I had such a good time that I forgot about it

[Deleted User]

LMc0322 said:

Yeah, this post order thing is getting super confusing.

She's stressed over the fact that she went off of birth control but they're not actively trying to get pregnant? I'm going to need that explained to me.  Also, Courtney now has a fight with her and her H's sides of the family? Maybe it's Courtney.

Yes, she does have the tendency to get butt-hurt over the tiniest things and cause fights to escalated. But at the same time her family issues are legit and all sides are a bit crazy.

As far as the pregnancy thing, I was too at first. But she is taking her temperature to determine when she is ovulating. No sex during the time she is ovulating. Not exactly a fool proof way to do it, but she is also in the mindset that if it happens it happens. It will just be an "accident". I do not necessarily agree, but hey... whatever floats her boat! I love her, but she does get a bit overwhelming at times.