Send STD/Invites to Ex's house?

LAM524

hmmm....Last night my FI's daughter was visiting and saw the sample STD on my fridge. After I explained what it was and that we were going to be ordering them soon, she asked if they were going to get one (she is 14 & brother is 22)! GULP! I hadn't even thought about it. I asked my FI what he thought and his first thought was "No" because of his ex (she does know we are getting married & both the kids are in the wedding).

What are your thoughts on sending his children STD's and formal invites? Anyone have any experience with this? BTW...I told his daughter that Im not sure if we will be sending them to the bridal party.

teacherjodee

Why don't you just give her one rather than sending it. That might be a faux pas, but this seems like a unique situation. Kids always appreciate stuff like that.

tiny speck

I don't know why you wouldn't send it either. Bridal party members should get invitations too.

itzMS

Hand-deliver one to the daughter.

The son who is 22 probably lives on his own? Send one to his address. I'd also suggest to stop referring to him as a "child" or a "kid". :-) His SO should also be invited if he's seeing someone.

southernbelle0915

I think it's fine to give them to the kids when they're visiting versus sending them to the ex's house. 

xxstardust

Sometimes it's just not worth the hassle. Can you put it in a plain envelope, so it's not so obviously an STD? I had to do  that to avoid drama with a friend, whose family would cause a ruckus. Stupid, I know, but unfortunately necessary.

SomethingBeautiful08

Personally I don't think it is a big deal either way as long as they are addressed appropriately.  We hand delivered several wedding invites in appropriate situations, i.e it was about the same time we were mailing invites, we were only in the company of wedding guests, it worked.   I think most of the time mailing is better, but it is not a hill to die on.  If FH is more comfortable not sending them to his ex'es home, just hand them to his kids the next time they are over at your house. 

FYI the 22 yr old will be his kid until the day he dies.

LAM524

Thanks everyone! I think we may hand deliver them to his kids (this way we know for sure they get them).

tiny speck said:

I don't know why you wouldn't send it either. Bridal party members should get invitations too.

I know I only said that to her because I didnt know what we would be doing.

itzMS said:

Hand-deliver one to the daughter.

The son who is 22 probably lives on his own? Send one to his address. I'd also suggest to stop referring to him as a "child" or a "kid". :-) His SO should also be invited if he's seeing someone.

His son lives at home and currently is single.  I'm very curious, why should I stop referring to his son as his "child" or "kid?"  Do we "age out" of being someones child?

hordol

I would just hand an invite to them. Put it in an envelope and seal it and write their name on it and hand it to them, or it might be fun to put it on their pillow or something so they find it by surprise when they come to stay over. I do realize they are 14 and 22, though, so they might not find that as fun as a 9 or 10 year old would, lol.

tiny speck

NYU, OP said the son lives at home (= with his mother) too.

tiny speck

"I'm very curious, why should I stop referring to his son as his "child" or "kid?"  Do we "age out" of being someones child?"

Child isn't really a synonym for son or daughter. I'm my parents' daughter, but at age 27 I'd be a bit offended if people referred to me as their kid or child. I'm a grown adult and I'd say at 22 the son is as well.

Ajuliana

...I think this conversation about whether they are sons or children is silly.  My parents, and I think every other set of parents EVER, say "I have five children." NOT "I have five sons and daughters."  (We are all over 18).

Can we drop this?  I get the concept, but I think it's just circular and not really an issue.  

tiny speck

NYUgirl100 said:

"tiny speck

11:01AM

NYU, OP said the son lives at home (= with his mother) too.

 

Tiny, Doesn't dad live somewhere?  Doesn't his 14 YO spend some time there?  

 

If the 14Y0 does not think of wherever dad lives as home too, I think there are bigger issues to deal with than where to mail the invitation. 

From how the OP worded everything originally it sounded like they both live with their mom, who is OP's FI's ex, which would mean OP's FI is their dad... and it doesn't sound like either of them live with him. Correct me if I'm wrong but that's how I read it.

rajahmd

LAM524

Alaynajuliana said:

...I think this conversation about whether they are sons or children is silly.  My parents, and I think every other set of parents EVER, say "I have five children." NOT "I have five sons and daughters."  (We are all over 18).

Can we drop this?  I get the concept, but I think it's just circular and not really an issue.  

I have 3 children and they are 29, 23 & 15! They will always be my children. I asked my 29 year old if my referencing him as my child offended him in anyway...well lets just say the look on his face made me feel stupid for asking.

Agreed! Dropped.

Liatris2010 said:

NYUgirl100 said:

My point, again, is that the 14YO does not regard dad's home as ONE of her homes, there may be bigger issues ahead than the wedding. 

This is absurd.

Agree!

@NYUgirl100...She does spend time with her father. Im going to guess  here but I would assume that she calls the house she was born in and raised in, thus far, her home. I don't think she would refer to her fathers place as hers even though she has a room there. She does have her room at dads. I think this is normal in an unfortunate situation such as divorce. Its Mom's house/dads house. She does say Im going home (to Moms) but she doesnt say "Im going to my home to visit dad!" SO... Im sure there will be bigger issues ahead other then the wedding, after all, shes 14, but not having 2 homes isnt one of them.

@tiny speck...you are correct, both of my FI children live at home with their Mom.

tiny speck

LAM2228 said:

Liatris2010 said:

NYUgirl100 said:

My point, again, is that the 14YO does not regard dad's home as ONE of her homes, there may be bigger issues ahead than the wedding. 

This is absurd.

Agree!

@NYUgirl100...She does spend time with her father. Im going to guess  here but I would assume that she calls the house she was born in and raised in, thus far, her home. I don't think she would refer to her fathers place as hers even though she has a room there. She does have her room at dads. I think this is normal in an unfortunate situation such as divorce. Its Mom's house/dads house. She does say Im going home (to Moms) but she doesnt say "Im going to my home to visit dad!" SO... Im sure there will be bigger issues ahead other then the wedding, after all, shes 14, but not having 2 homes isnt one of them.

@tiny speck...you are correct, both of my FI children live at home with their Mom.

I couldn't agree more! My parents divorced when I was a teenager and my dad moved out. If anyone had ever sent mail for me to my dad's house it would have been weird because that wasn't where I lived.

tiny speck

Good for you. That was never the case for me or my sisters but I don't think that means there was something terribly wrong with our family.

Anyway, sorry to OP for kind of taking over this thread.

efmcc67

tiny speck said:

Good for you. That was never the case for me or my sisters but I don't think that means there was something terribly wrong with our family.

Anyway, sorry to OP for kind of taking over this thread.

I agree. My parents divorced when I was in my twenties. My mother stayed in our childhood home for a while, but then bought her own place and moved on. I am welcome in both of my parents' houses, but neither one is my home.

LAM524

StageManager14 said:

If the ex knows about the wedding, the date and her kids are in it, why wouldn't you send a STD to the kids at her address. It isn't a secret and the daughter is excited about getting one.

Agreed.

Stage...She is looking very forward to getting one. Do you think this could be interpreted as "in your face" by the ex? I dont care what she thinks but I do care about how she may carry on about it which may affect FI's children. 

LAM524

StageManager14 said:

I honestly think if your FI's ex gets offended at you sending an STD/invite to their daughter, that's her problem. I don't think you're doing anything wrong if you send it.

Thanks. I dont either. FL was hesitate at first but when I questioned the difference between sending these and the fact that they are both going to be involved, a light bulb went off above his head! *palm to forward* "duh!"

I tried to put myself in the ex's shoes. My ex just married in Sept. He didnt do STD but if he sent one to our son I think, honestly, it would give me pause for a split second, until I realized it had nothing to do with me! My situation is a bit different tho! My ex married..ready...my brothers MIL! The woman my youngest son from toddlerhood called "mamaw" because his cousins do. (Actually, he continued to after they married up until about 2 months ago. Now he uses her fisrt name) Poor kid...so confusing!  So now...ready...**headache alert*...my ex is no longer my brothers BIL or my SIL's BIL but FIL and step father,  my SIL is no longer my childrens Aunt, but sister and...my childrens cousins are what??? My children's nieces and nephews?? LMAO!!!! Yes, this would be Jerry Springers top rated show!!!

tammym1001

My FI's 22 year old son still lives at home with his mother. I am going to give him his invitation when he's at our house. It seems silly to take it from our house, drop it in the mailbox, and have the mailman bring it right back to our house. His mother would be bothered by us sending it to her house like we were rubbing it in her face and FI's son would be the one who would have to deal with it. Just because she knows we're getting married doesn't mean she wants it right in her face like that.

So that's my two cents. I don't know what etiquette says you're supposed to do, but this works for us and it will make FI's son glad he won't have to have a conversation with his mom about his dads wedding.