I want revenge - please stop me

kerbohl

This is more of a vent, but also a "save me from myself".

Right now my FI is at a wedding by himself.  I'm long-distance, so I know I couldn't have made it regardless, but I was not invited to this wedding.  Not only that, my FI, who is 28 and has lived on his own for years, was invited on his mother's invite.  So was his sister, but not her long-term bf, who was later invited to the dancing but "not the dinner or ceremony".  The sister also does not live with her mother. 

This has made me angry for myself but also for FI's sister's bf, since he has become a friend of mine.  I've gotten really sensitive about people not acknowledging SOs, because my own brother did not acknowledge my FI's role in my life until we were engaged, and went out of his way in order to exclude my FI before we were engaged in important events in his life.  So I am quite miffed at this girl for her disregard for acknowledging that I am a big part of my FI's life now and we should be viewed as a unit, as should FI's sister and her bf. 

This bride is invited to our wedding (as in on the guest list, but we haven't sent anything out yet).  Today I am so tempted to invite her and not her new husband.  I won't but . . . so tempting . . . REVENGE!!  I am also tempted to not invite her at all, but I mentioned that to FI and he really wants her there because he grew up with her and her family.  So . . . somebody slap me and tell me to get over myself and not do improper etiquette to get revenge on this girl's disregard for my relationship with FI.  I'm just angry today.   

STARMOON44

Get over yourself. No one held a gun to your FI's head and made him go without you. He could have declined.

aurianna

You definitely have the right to be upset.
But you know you can't invite her and not her husband because you'd be making her husband feel the same way you do and we've established that's not a good way to make someone feel. But I know you know this. (plus, while some people incorrectly think it's ok to exclude bf/gfs, almost no one thinks it's ok to exclude husbands, so you will look bad to his family and you don't want that).

But I agree with PP in that... your FI should really not have gone to this wedding, no questions asked. He should have asked if his FI was invited too, and if he was told no, he really should have considered declining pending a conversation with you.
I think you should probably talk to your FI about how hurt this made you. If he dismisses it, you have bigger problems.

zitiqueen

kerbohl said:

This is more of a vent, but also a "save me from myself".

Right now my FI is at a wedding by himself.  I'm long-distance, so I know I couldn't have made it regardless, but I was not invited to this wedding.  Not only that, my FI, who is 28 and has lived on his own for years, was invited on his mother's invite.  So was his sister, but not her long-term bf, who was later invited to the dancing but "not the dinner or ceremony".  The sister also does not live with her mother. 

This has made me angry for myself but also for FI's sister's bf, since he has become a friend of mine.  I've gotten really sensitive about people not acknowledging SOs, because my own brother did not acknowledge my FI's role in my life until we were engaged, and went out of his way in order to exclude my FI before we were engaged in important events in his life.  So I am quite miffed at this girl for her disregard for acknowledging that I am a big part of my FI's life now and we should be viewed as a unit, as should FI's sister and her bf. 

This bride is invited to our wedding (as in on the guest list, but we haven't sent anything out yet).  Today I am so tempted to invite her and not her new husband.  I won't but . . . so tempting . . . REVENGE!!  I am also tempted to not invite her at all, but I mentioned that to FI and he really wants her there because he grew up with her and her family.  So . . . somebody slap me and tell me to get over myself and not do improper etiquette to get revenge on this girl's disregard for my relationship with FI.  I'm just angry today.   

Why didn't your FI decline the half-assed invitation in the first place?

AddieCake

I'd be mad, too. Since you couldn't go anyway, it's no big deal that he went by himself, but I hope he called to ask if you were at least invited. I hope he didn't just shrug it off like it didn't matter.

kerbohl

Unfortunately, my FI is a little clueless about SO etiquette, so he didn't realize that I was upset about it until he had already said that he was going (being long-distance, some things like "hey, I got a wedding invite" sort of get forgotten).  And his sister did mention something to the bride, which is how her bf was "allowed" to go to the dancing portion.  I guess she must have seen that as a good enough compromise to still go, but am I wrong in thinking that is even more insulting?  He isn't good enough except for dancing only when someone sticks up for him?  If I were him I wouldn't have gone at all - he was in town WITH his gf who was invited, and he wasn't given the courtesy of an invite.  At least I'm 3000 miles away - I would have preferred at least a mention on the invite, but the fact that the bride couldn't even do that is a bit infuriating. 

I will not exclude her husband if she is invited, but I really don't want to invite her at all after this. I think that makes me really petty, so after my anger is through, I'll just suck it up and invite her. 

NYCBruin

I would definitely be upset.  But like other posters I'm confused why your FI and his sister attended despite the S.O. snubs.

That said, don't lower yourself to her level and invite her without her husband.  Two wrongs don't make a right.  

However, if you don't want her there, you certainly don't have to invite her.  I wouldn't want someone at our wedding who didn't find our relationship good enough to include both of us on an invitation to their wedding.  

RebeccaB88

I'm with the others, I would have a way, WAY bigger problem with my FI for attending this wedding without me than for some twit's terrible lack of manners.  He should have backed out after you pointed out to him that it was unfair and hurtful to you to attend without you.

32daisies

I had almost the same thing happen to me last year! Seriously: FI and I are long-distance, and by the time I heard about his cousin's wedding that I wasn't invited to (but 350 other people were, it turned out), he'd already accepted. Bad on his part, and I was mad at him about that. And I was pretty mad at the cousin, too. Still am... so I understand how you feel... but... deep breaths. Just let it go. Be the better person, invite them both, show them how awesomely much you don't care, and move on. It's tempting to throw down, but I don't think it would help either one of us, really, and just cause problems.

I super, super understand how you feel, though!

jenn5628

I think situations like these are why silly brides keep perpetuating lies like 'my friends and family are totally fine with it.  If they care about me enough, they'll come even though I didn't invite their SOs'.  NO ONE ever tells them how inappropriate it is, because, ya know, they care about you.  Attention brides: this is what happens when you make poor etiquette choices, even though nobody told you it was a bad idea!

kerbohl

@Stagemanager14 I'm not getting mad about FI's sister for going to the wedding despite the snub because, well . . . okay, this is a little harsh, but she is sort of like that, so it was expected?  She's going to be family, so I have to make nice.  And you are right, it isn't any of my business what she and her bf do and how they handle it.  I should just feel bad for the people hurt in this situation and be done with it. 

And @32daisies thanks for sharing!  It's always nice to hear when other people go through the same experiences and get through it without unnecessary drama.  I will contain myself and do likewise. 

tinambride

Be the bigger person and invite them to your wedding. It's really your FI's decision anyway since it's his friend. It's really not fair to ask him to give up a friendship that he's had for his entire life because you didn't get an invite. There's a good chance he'd resent you for that. If you couldn't have gone to the wedding anyway, let this roll off your back. I don't think she was intending to define your relationship with this.

Ajuliana

People are clueless through either ignorance or willful ignorance, and I don't choose to spend my time on them once that's made known.  Even my *itch of a cousin invited my FI (then BF) and I to her reception following elopement party, on our own invitation with both of our names.  Then again it went to my parents house, but I digress...

courtneythesquid

My concern here is that this is clearly eating you up.  Do not spend one precious minute of your life worrying about somebody else's complete lack of manners!  She is the one with the problem, so why are you the one who has to feel upset?  There is going to be enough stuff for you to stress out about planning your own wedding without stressing out over this.

I would try to give her the benefit of the doubt (difficult, I know.)  Maybe she was on a really strict budget and tried to limit her guest list in ways she clearly should not have.  Maybe she felt like it was asking too much to expect you to travel all the way across the country, so she misguidedly decided to leave you off, instead of allowing you to decline if the trip was too much.  Maybe she just has no manners at all, in which case you can feel sorry for her, because she is going to create resentment everywhere she goes for the rest of her life!

I find that there is nothing more satisfying than displaying flawless manners to somebody who has been less than kind to me.  At the end of the day, behaving correctly is the best revenge- much more likely to make the offending person feel like dirt than snarky behavior or a confrontation.

ifeelgoodifeelgreatifeelwonderful

I was just in a situation like this! It's ok to feel annoyed. When FI got the save the date we lived together but weren't engaged until maybe a week after he got the actual invite. My FI is clueless about etiquette and at first was going to go, it was an out of state wedding to top things off. He felt like they need to cut the guest list somewhere. After he asked around and realized how rude this was he at least didn't go. If they were going by no ring no bring then, still rude I think, but you would think after we got engaged they'd at least extend me and invite! He still sent them a nice gift, which annoys me but whatever it's his friend so he can do what he wants in that regard. If we are going by the "have to cut the list somewhere" mentality guess who will be the first to get cut from our wedding guest list! If my FI does insist on inviting them I will also follow pp advice to just be super nice and hope they deep down feel silly. If nothing makes you feel better just know they probably snubbed other people also and now everyone is talking about them.

HisGirlFriday13

If she's so effing important to your FI, how did she not know that you and he are engaged? It's a specious argument for him to make that she's all that important to him if as doesn't know the basic fact that y'all are engaged.

I get why you're upset, and I get that you're not threatening to invite her and not her husband. But I'd sit your FI down and ask him if he's really prepared to defend this 'she's important because we grew up together' argument.

kerbohl

@courtneythesquid You're right, I shouldn't be so upset about this.  See, this is why I post on TK - you ladies are more than willing to point out when I'm being wrong, and that's what people need in life at times!  I am interested to hear what this wedding was like from my FI.  If she did this one faux-pax, I'm curious if she was a bit unaware of other etiquette rules.