Dad & Step Dad - Who should walk me down the aisle?

CrunkPunch

Our wedding is still a while away, but I have a feeling that this is going to be the biggest decision I'll have to make.  I'm worried because I don't want to hurt anyones feelings.

My step dad has been in my life since I was about 10.  He's like a father to me.  I'd really like to include him in our big day.  I've been bouncing around ideas on him walking me partway down the aisle, or jointly with my dad.  Yesterday my MIL tells me is a BAD idea and that my dad will be devastated if I do that.  So now I'm not sure what to do?

My dad is such a nice, sweet humble man that if I ask him how he feels he will say he's fine with it even if he's not.  I don't want to take away his moment, but I want my step dad to be included some way.  Any ideas?  What are you guys doing?

HisGirlFriday13

Wait, why are you asking your MIL for advice on your father/step-father issues? Ask your mom.

My parents are still married, so I don't have any personal experience here, but what I've seen other brides say they're doing is either have one dad walk half-way and the other dad take over, or have both dads walk together, one on each arm.

Ask your mom what she thinks, or ask your step-dad. If you think it would be really important to your dad to be the only one walking you down the aisle, maybe your step-dad could do a reading.

courtneythesquid

This is a really tough one.  There are probably going to be hurt feelings no matter what you decide.  It is also tough to advise you, because we don't know how big a part of your life your stepdad was, whether your dad was also there for you growing up, etc.

At the end of the day, you are going to have to do what feels right to you.  The most important thing is to sit down and have a conversation with your dad and your stepdad after the decision is made.  Explain to them why you chose the way you chose, and also how important they are to you.  Specifically let them know that it was a really tough decision, and you hope it has not hurt their feelings becase that is the last thing you intended to do.  And tell them that it would be a huge weight off of your shoulders if they could try to understand your perspective and support you in the decision.

yellowdaisies84

I know this is a big decision for you, but don't stress yourself out too much. Remember first of all that you can't please everyone so you need to follow your heart and do what feels right to you. 

I definitely think that you should include your step-dad in your wedding. Having him walk you down part of the aisle or together with your dad is a great idea, and it is common in these situations. It can be hard for your dad to 'share' you with your step-dad, and I understand that. However, I'm sure he's quite aware that you have a close relationship with your step-dad and that he has been in your life for a very long time. What your MIL said should have no bearing on your final decision but it is a good reminder to be sensitive towards any difficulty your dad might have with this. 

I think that you should talk to your dad- not to ask him if it's with him okay if you include your step-dad, but to tell him that you want to include your step-dad either having them both walk you down or half and half but that you know that might be difficult for your dad and you just want him to tell you honestly if that would be difficult for him because you want to be sensitive towards his feelings and you want to reassure your dad how important he is in your life, how much you appreciate him, and that you value how close he is to you. 

If he says it's no problem, as you suspect he will but you worry he's just saying that to keep the peace- don't worry too much about that. If he does tell you it's no problem either a) it is really no problem and he's not upset or 2) he does find it difficult to share that duty with your step-dad but the most important thing to him is that you're happy and you get what you really want for your wedding and he doesn't want you to worry about his feelings. Either way, what a gift that he is that caring towards you and you can simply thank him, be warm and sensitive towards him, and then move forward with your plans and ask your step-dad to participate in the ceremony. Then you can not worry about this anymore. If anyone other than your dad shares with you any doubts about this being a good choice, you can just say that you already talked it through with your dad and it was a mutual decision. If they press you and question if he was sincere during that conversation you can simply say, 'I know it might be difficult for my Dad in some ways, but he has agreed to this and he supports me in making this choice. The important thing is that I'm very lucky to have two men who love me to give me away and I'm so thrilled to have both of them by my side.' 

I would say, if you still get grief from others to say something like, "It's so hard to make choices that will keep everyone happy. I just know how important it was to me to have them both included. I talked this through with my Dad. I appreciate your concern for his feelings, I really do, but the decision has been made and I feel good about it." then don't talk about it anymore. You can just smile, laugh and say, "I'm sorry but can we PLEASE change the subject? I don't want to get stressed out about this."

CrunkPunch

Thanks everyone for your comments and advice.  I will take them into consideration.

I didn't specifically ask my MIL for advice, we were just casually talking wedding, it came up and she told me her opinion.  She's got lots of opinions so I brushed it off at first, but when I asked my FH and he agreed I started to worry about it.  

I am close with both my father and step-father so I want to make sure they both are included.  My step-dad wouldn't be upset if I don't ask him -- but I do really want him to be part of the day also.

clg1213

I'm planning my 2nd wedding and mulling this over...

 

At the first, my dad walked me solo but step-dad did a reading.  Even though I know he doesn't like audiences too much, it seemed like a way to include him.  He has three bio kids, including a daughter, so I think he "got" that it was important to my bio dad to do the walk.  Also, I had two "parent" dances: one with me & dad and X & is mom, the other with me & step-dad and X and my mom (I didn't want to need three and don't like too much stoplight, hence having X dance with a parent at the same time....my mom had to be told that she didn't stand up front with the bridal party for the whole ceremony so liked the extra role).

 

This time, I'm debating doing the "split" walk.  In some ways, it is easier b/c dad "got his moment".  I also think he's come to really get that step-dad was really a more present parent for many years.  I do want to talk with my site coordinator and see if there's a logistically easy way to handle it.  In part, to be honest, the change is b/c my mom & step-dad are helping with funds and my dad isn't (I did NOT expect either side to help an did not ask, but that's the reality and I do think it has some importance, even if I might get slammed for it). 

 

Ultimately it sounds like you are blessed with two great dads who will understand your choice. 

MairePoppy

Since you're close to both your dads, it would be sweet to have both of them walk you down the aisle. I'm sure your father realizes the important role that your step-father plays in your life and he may even be thankful that he has helped with your upbringing. Let him know that your love for your SF doesn't diminish your love for him, in any way. 

FutureMr&MrsG

I'm also struggling with what to do. My step dad has raised me since I was 5 and I'm not very close with my biological father but he is a part of my life. I want my step dad to be the one to walk me down the isle and do the father/daughter dance. I do not want to take any of that away from my step dad by having both of them do it. I'm considering asking my father if he would like to perform the ceremony.

This is probably not helpful, but I think you should do what feels right to you and makes you happy.

RailWayWife

One on each arm. 

Jen4948

CrunkPunch said:

Thanks everyone for your comments and advice.  I will take them into consideration.

I didn't specifically ask my MIL for advice, we were just casually talking wedding, it came up and she told me her opinion.  She's got lots of opinions so I brushed it off at first, but when I asked my FH and he agreed I started to worry about it.  

I am close with both my father and step-father so I want to make sure they both are included.  My step-dad wouldn't be upset if I don't ask him -- but I do really want him to be part of the day also.

As far as your FH and FMIL go regarding this decision, to quote Mrs. Hughes in Downton Abbey, "their opinions have no place in this."

While it's possible that one of your fathers would get upset by whatever you decide, that should be between him and you.  It's clearly a tough decision for you, but go with what will work best for you.  Hopefully both your fathers will appreciate that both play an important role in your life and it's important to you that both be involved in whatever way you need.

PickleJuiceSlurper

You can have them both walk you down.  I had the same situation (somewhat), my parents divorced and i didn't speak to my Dad for most of my growing up time until high school and we talk every month or so and i visit him on occasion. My step dad was there and raised me with my mom since i was about 11-12.  At my wedding I had my step-dad AND my Dad walk me down.  I did this because I thought they both deserved the respect of being my actual Dad, and the person who helped my mom raise me.  I also didn't want hurt feelings, and i didn't want to regret it years down the road.  When asked who gave me to my husband they both said, "We do." Everything worked out perfectly and I would do it all over again the exact same way

doeydo

You can have them both walk you down the aisle, other brides have had similar situations and done so.  Just try to explain to your dad that it doesn't take anything away from your relationship with him, but that your Step-dad has been in your life so long it is like he is a second dad.

lchelsea89

I like the idea of the split walk. Have your stepdad walk you halfway and your dad walk the other half with you. Or you could have both of them walk you together. If you feel as though they are equally important to you, let them share the moment. It's not like you're implying you love one more than the other.

lchelsea89

Sgreen19

I say have them both walk you down if your step father has been in your life that long you father will understand as both men played a part in raising you they would both be proud and honored to walk you down the aisle and shouldn't hurt their feelings as the both would know its what you want 

Lizz720

FutureMr&MrsG said:

I'm also struggling with what to do. My step dad has raised me since I was 5 and I'm not very close with my biological father but he is a part of my life. I want my step dad to be the one to walk me down the isle and do the father/daughter dance. I do not want to take any of that away from my step dad by having both of them do it. I'm considering asking my father if he would like to perform the ceremony.

This is probably not helpful, but I think you should do what feels right to you and makes you happy.

Lizz720

You may have already resolved this, but I just wanted to throw in my opinion since I've had experience with this too. My mom and stepdad (who has always just been "dad" to me) met when I was 3, married when I was 5, and although my biodad was somewhat involved in my life, stepdad has been my father figure for as long as I've known him. There was no question for me that he'd be the one to walk me down the aisle, but I stressed for ages over how to tell biodad. Long story short, my mom ended up mentioning it to him (they still talk occasionally) and he totally understood. People can surprise you. But in this case you really have to do what you feel is right. If you want him to perform the ceremony, that sounds great, but don't feel obligated. Good luck!

FutureMr&MrsG

@Lizz720Thank you for the feedback. Luckily I have plenty of time to think about it! The only thing I'm 100% sure of is that I want my step dad ( who I also always considered dad) to be the one walking me down that isle and doing the father daughter dance!
My bio father may not even be able to make the trip from Fl to NH, the last time he was invited to a big event in my life (highschool graduation) he didn't make it because he needed the money for a motorcycle. He said that he didn't want to miss "this once in a lifetime opportunity to get that motorcycle" So, I may be worrying for nothing!