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Estranged Father Causing Problems

To get right to the point, I have not been close to my father since my parents divorced 15 years ago. At most we talk twice a year for the last few years. I decided to invite him to the wedding because I wanted to invite his side of the family. Recently man dad said that he refused to come to the wedding unless he walked me down the aisle. I am just not really comfortable with this since he really hasnt been in my life. Even thought I explained this to him, he was adamant that he deserved it. Given that I am not going to have him walk me down the aisle, he might not come anyways. But I am afraid he will change his mind as come. Given his resistance and they way the conversation went, I feel hesitant to allow him to come to the wedding. How do I tactfully uninvite him? I understand that this will probably destroy our relationship forever, but I just cant risk him making a scene at the wedding. Help!

Re: Estranged Father Causing Problems

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    "Tactfully uninvite" = impossible. There is no way to do it. And frankly if he is the type to make a scene because you're not letting him walk you down the aisle then I imagine uninviting him would just increase the probability of him showing up and making a scene.

    If you haven't already made it abundantly clear that he will not be escorting you, do so. If he throws a fit you can say "well, if that's how you feel about it I'd rather you not come at all." If you've already had the conversion just let it go, don't add more fuel to the fire.
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    You can't tactfully uninvite him. There's just no such option. And you're probably right that if you do uninvite him, you'll add fuel to the fire, and he'll come and make a scene.

    If he brings it up again, just say, "I'm sorry you feel that way, but I've made my decision and it's final. If you don't like it, then I'd rather you just not come." Call his bluff -- it might work, and it might not. But don't back down.

    The day of your wedding, just have someone -- mom, MOH, BM, friend, someone -- stand outside the door where you're getting ready and not let anyone in. If your father shows up, have an usher seat him in the pews. 
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    I'm gonna go with 'not my circus, not my monkeys.'
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    Just be firm with him.  "Dad, I'm sorry, but I've decided to have x walk me down the aisle instead (or walk myself down).  Thanks for understanding, I hope you can make it!"  Then leave it at that.  If he chooses not to come, then that's completely on him.
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    hordolhordol member
    First Answer 5 Love Its First Anniversary Name Dropper
    I wouldn't uninvite him. There's no tactful way to do it, and I know that right now you don't care if you destroy the relationship, but don't you think a few years down the road you might regret that? If he makes a scene at your wedding, HE is the only one that looks bad. I think several years down the road you might regret ruining a relationship with someone based on what they MIGHT do, not what they have done.
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    "Dad, I hope you will come, but the subject of who walks me down the aisle is closed.  I and I alone will make that decision without your input."
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    Don't be the jerk by uninviting. I understand why you're upset by his manipulative behavior, though. Let him be the jerk if he wants to be - and hopefully he will give it up soon. I'm glad you stuck to your guns - if he brings it up again, remind him the case is closed and who walks you down the aisle is your decision alone.
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    The phrase tactfully uninvite is an oxymoron. Let him come. As long as you've been clear that he's not walking you down the aisle (I can't believe he said he "deserves it"), you've done all you can do. If you want, if you're doing "seating of the...". You could do "seating of parents" instead of "seating of the mothers". He can take his seat at that time along with your mom and FI's parents. Maybe he'd feel involved, maybe snubbed but at least you'd have peace of mjnd that he's not going to try and surprise you by forcing anything on you.
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    Thanks for everyones thoughts. I think that I am going to tell him that if he is not comfortable with the idea of NOT walking me down the aisle then it is best if he not come. While he may not like this our relationship is already beyond repair, and has been for many years. I have tried many times to reconcile, but things have always gone sour. He was not invited to my sisters wedding and nobody gave it a second thought and nobody felt like it was weird that he wasnt there. I hope that if I tell him it is my decision, then we both agree it is best if he doesnt come. If he still decides to come after that point, I might be able to find out since he would have to travel and I am alerted to any of our guests who book hotel rooms at the reserved location. Then I might have to hire security to deal with it. Dont want any of my guest to have to deal with any drama. 
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    phiraphira member
    First Anniversary First Comment First Answer 5 Love Its
    I'm estranged from my father, and he will not be invited to my wedding. I'm honestly more worried about how my siblings and grandparents will react to that more than I am that he'll show up anyway, but my partner and I have talked a bit about making sure there's some level of security to deal with the situation just in case.

    I agree that you can't really politely uninvite someone. However, I don't think that, "NO UNINVITING" is a blanket rule with no exceptions. If he's making such a huge stink about this that you would rather he not come to the wedding, I think that you should feel free to uninvite him. It won't be polite, but it can be firm and appropriate.

    "Dad, I invited you to the wedding as a way to show you that I still wanted to have a relationship with you. However, the way you are treating me with regards to who's walking me down the aisle is completely inappropriate and disrespectful. Because of how you are behaving, and because I don't trust you to promise to drop the subject, I think it's best if you do not attend the wedding."
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    now with ~* INCREASED SASSINESS *~
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