Donation to Charity not Viewed as Wedding Gift

Danntom2013

My partner and I are getting legally married after more than 25 years together.  Since we are not starting out, we asked people, through the wedding web site, to donate to our favorite charity in lieu of a gift. The charity is for animal rescue. 

Someone who is coming to my wedding texted me to say that by us asking for a donation to a charity instead of registering, we are saying that it is OK for them not to give anything since if a couple is registered, it is mandatory for guests to give something and we don't have a registry.

I'm not going to strongarm any guests into donating, but was wondering etiquette-wise, if my friend is right. 

Simply Fated

"if I want to give you a gift, I want to give you a gift, not donate to a charity I may or may not support."
Exactly was Liatris said.


Why don't you just accept gifts and any monetary ones you get, YOU can give to the animal shelter?

Kate61487

it is ALWAYS okay for someone to not give a gift.  Gifts aren't required, whether you register or not. 

 

It's generally frowned upon to request donations to charity (especially without being asked directly) b/c it can put your guests in an awkward position that they may not support the same charity you do.

Jen4948

Liatris2010 said:

I don't understand your question. Gifts are never mandatory, regardless of the existence of a registry.

Asking for donations to charity is frowned on. I know it comes from a good place, but charitable giving is a personal choice, and most people like to choose their own charities. My donation budget is separate from my gift giving budget and if I want to give you a gift, I want to give you a gift, not donate to a charity I may or may not support.

This.  If you want to give cash gifts or any other funds you control to charity, more power to you, but for me, charitable donations are a very personal thing, and I would rather decide for myself what charities I want to support, whether or not it's in connection with a wedding, and donate without feeling "nudged" to do so. 

harper0813

I'd recommend not asking for charitable donations. I know your heart is in the right place, but it's not a good idea to try to force your beliefs upon others. Not all organizations are reputable or moral.

Remove the gift talk altogether. Just don't register, and don't ask for donations. And don't say "no gifts" on your invite or website. If someone asks you where you're registered, tell them that their friendship and support is gift enough. People will probably still bring something.

Pepper6

zobird said:

I'd recommend not asking for charitable donations. I know your heart is in the right place, but it's not a good idea to try to force your beliefs upon others. Not all organizations are reputable or moral. Remove the gift talk altogether. Just don't register, and don't ask for donations. And don't say "no gifts" on your invite or website. If someone asks you where you're registered, tell them that their friendship and support is gift enough. People will probably still bring something.

All of this, but the bolded especially.  There are several extremely popular charities that I refuse to donate too because of their business practices and financial reports.  While I wouldn't side-eye you for supporting those charities in general, I still would not make a donation to them in your name for your wedding.

If you are very dedicated to your preferred charity, I'd just donate any cash gifts you do receive on your own.

Blue_Bird

Your friend was telling you in a passive-aggressive manner that the "Donations to Our Favorite Charity" in lieu of a gift was a bad idea and kind of backs your guests into a corner.

BangBangs39

Gifts are not necessary they are merely common... if you want to state that couples can choose to donate instead than that is fine because the guest has the choice to donate, bring a boxed gift, or still bring a card with money in it if they are not comfortable donating.  By stating you wish for people to donate to a charity you support by no means forces that person to support the charity just like having a registry in no way forces a person to purchase you a gift.

I personally don't know how anyone could NOT support animal rescue, kudos to you for your support towards animals!!

monkeysip

Simply Fated said:

"if I want to give you a gift, I want to give you a gift, not donate to a charity I may or may not support." Exactly was Liatris said. Why don't you just accept gifts and any monetary ones you get, YOU can give to the animal shelter?

All of this, but especially the bolded.

And having a registry doesn't mean gifts are required then either... gifts are never required.

I know it sounds weird to say that someone wouldn't support an animal rescue group ("who the heck doesn't support animals??")  But some people have objections to *certain* animal groups because of mismanaging funds or euthanizing animals too often.  So just because someone may not support a particular group doesn't mean they don't support rescuing animals.

QueerFemme

Danntom2013 said:

My partner and I are getting legally married after more than 25 years together.  Since we are not starting out, we asked people, through the wedding web site, to donate to our favorite charity in lieu of a gift. The charity is for animal rescue. 

Someone who is coming to my wedding texted me to say that by us asking for a donation to a charity instead of registering, we are saying that it is OK for them not to give anything since if a couple is registered, it is mandatory for guests to give something and we don't have a registry.

I'm not going to strongarm any guests into donating, but was wondering etiquette-wise, if my friend is right. 

I agree with everyone else. Gifts are NEVER mandatory, whether you are registered or not.  your friend is wrong in that regard.

On the other point.  We ran into a very similar issue. We didn't feel like we needed anything, and we didn't register anywhere.  People did ask us directly, and we responded with "we really just want your company at our wedding".  We got pushed and pushed and pushed, and many of our friends actually ASKED "Can I donate to that dog rescue you work with?"    I work very closely with one particular rescue and all of our friends and family know this, and some of our friends did donate to them in our name.  I appreciated it.

there isn't really a non-tacky way to ask people to donate though.  And, you should feel free to give any monetary gifts to the rescue, if that's what you want to do. Once people give you a gift, it's yours to do whatever you'd like with it.

 

readingrrl

We likewise aren't registering. We are emphasizing that guests attendance at our destination wedding is a HUGE gift to us and more than enough.

However, there are two organizations that are personally very, very dear to us. For those that ask, we are saying that a donation to them would be welcomed, or a gift toward the honeymoon. 

It's a tricky set of eggshells to walk on, and admittedly it's a struggle to stay tasteful. Fortunately, ours is a small, very intimate wedding and we've had good luck conveying on wishes so far. Because, really, we are happy with just their attendance.

Congrats to you and your partner!

Viczaesar

monkeysip said:

Simply Fated said:

"if I want to give you a gift, I want to give you a gift, not donate to a charity I may or may not support." Exactly was Liatris said. Why don't you just accept gifts and any monetary ones you get, YOU can give to the animal shelter?

All of this, but especially the bolded.

And having a registry doesn't mean gifts are required then either... gifts are never required.

I know it sounds weird to say that someone wouldn't support an animal rescue group ("who the heck doesn't support animals??")  But some people have objections to *certain* animal groups because of mismanaging funds or euthanizing animals too often.  So just because someone may not support a particular group doesn't mean they don't support rescuing animals.

And some people only support people charities, not animal charities.

monkeysip

@ Vicz

And I think that's a perfectly valid choice too.  But I'm sure people who only donate to people charities aren't anti-animal either.  People just make it seem that if you say no to a SPCA donation (for example) you must be some kind of cruel animal hater.

Viczaesar

monkeysip said:

@ Vicz

And I think that's a perfectly valid choice too.  But I'm sure people who only donate to people charities aren't anti-animal either.  People just make it seem that if you say no to a SPCA donation (for example) you must be some kind of cruel animal hater.

I'm one of those people who only donates to people charities, which is why I added that possibility. 

QueerFemme

Viczaesar said:

monkeysip said:

@ Vicz

And I think that's a perfectly valid choice too.  But I'm sure people who only donate to people charities aren't anti-animal either.  People just make it seem that if you say no to a SPCA donation (for example) you must be some kind of cruel animal hater.

I'm one of those people who only donates to people charities, which is why I added that possibility. 

and I am one of the few who donates the majority of my financial donations to animal charities.  This is why charities can be such a hot topic. Not everyone agrees with the same organizations or causes.

BarbLovesDave

Danntom2013 said:

My partner and I are getting legally married after more than 25 years together.  Since we are not starting out, we asked people, through the wedding web site, to donate to our favorite charity in lieu of a gift. The charity is for animal rescue. 

Someone who is coming to my wedding texted me to say that by us asking for a donation to a charity instead of registering, we are saying that it is OK for them not to give anything since if a couple is registered, it is mandatory for guests to give something and we don't have a registry.

I'm not going to strongarm any guests into donating, but was wondering etiquette-wise, if my friend is right. 

Both are wrong.

The friend is wrong for suggesting that a gift is ever mandatory, whether or not the couple has registered. The friend is also wrong for offering a critique of the couple's expressed wishes. Better she just keep her mouth shut, and offer her opinion only if specifically asked.

The engaged couple are wrong by suggesting to their guests that no possible present that anyone could choose for them would make them happy. Furthermore, if the money is just burning a hole in the pocket of the wedding guest, then send it to XYZ charity, because "We don't need nor want it.".

The couple would be better advised to just not register and not mention gifts at all. If anyone asks about a registry, then tell the truth. "We do not have a registry."

If someone says "Then how will I know what to give you?", then reply "Your attending the wedding is a wonderful gift."

In such a situation, the couple is likely to receive a lot of cash gifts. Great. Write TYs that say "We are putting your generous gift towards the future."

Then, if you are so inclined, once the money is in your bank account, in your name, donate it to whatever charity you believe will help make the future world a better place. You need not tell anyone you've done this. It's your business not theirs.


Besides, there are plenty of great gifts for a "mature" couple who has a houseful of things already. Gourmet food. Plants. Tickets to the ballpark, ballet or monster truck rally.

crunchymamaof2

readingrrl said:

We likewise aren't registering. We are emphasizing that guests attendance at our destination wedding is a HUGE gift to us and more than enough.

However, there are two organizations that are personally very, very dear to us. For those that ask, we are saying that a donation to them would be welcomed, or a gift toward the honeymoon. 

It's a tricky set of eggshells to walk on, and admittedly it's a struggle to stay tasteful. Fortunately, ours is a small, very intimate wedding and we've had good luck conveying on wishes so far. Because, really, we are happy with just their attendance.

Congrats to you and your partner!

@readingrrl You should never ask for cash. If they ask you again a better way to say it is "We are not registered and are saving up for XYZ instead." Saying "oh you can get us something towards our honeymoon" is plainly asking for cash.

SomethingBeautiful08

Like the others I would suggest removing the suggestion to donate to charity from your wedding website and replace it with simply, "We are not registered"  If and when guests ask you what they can get you, then you can tell them something a long the lines of "We've got plenty of home stuff but we are saving for xyz and to donate to this animal shelter."

32daisies

FierceFemme said:

Viczaesar said:

monkeysip said:

@ Vicz

And I think that's a perfectly valid choice too.  But I'm sure people who only donate to people charities aren't anti-animal either.  People just make it seem that if you say no to a SPCA donation (for example) you must be some kind of cruel animal hater.

I'm one of those people who only donates to people charities, which is why I added that possibility. 

and I am one of the few who donates the majority of my financial donations to animal charities.  This is why charities can be such a hot topic. Not everyone agrees with the same organizations or causes.

Exactly. It's all so personal -- I donate mostly to animal charities, but frankly only to a specific animal charity, and find the policies of another (local) popular animal charity to be abhorrent. I don't expect anyone else to navigate the confusing waters of my personal charity preferences, of course, which is why it's better just to not get into that altogether.