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It's been awhile. Advice needed on brother's wedding.

Hi All! I contemplated the correct board to post this on. If I should XP it elsewhere, please let me know. I have been married for a couple years already so all of this etiquette stuff has escaped me. Here is a short version.

My little brother is getting married in 2 months. I agreed to be a bridesmaid and for my son to stand up in the wedding also. Since agreeing to do so, this wedding has gotten out of control. I mean really out of control, to the point where my brother actually quit working for the summer so he could work on this wedding. His FI is in school, so the only income they have coming in is from her student assistance. They have money saved up for their rent for the next few months, but nothing beyond that. My brother has been going to my parents and constantly asking for money for spending. My brother has absolutely no problem spending other people's money and his FI just never says a word. All of this is beside the point I guess.

My point is this, this wedding has gotten so out of control to the point that I can not afford it anymore. Is it massively douchey of me to back out of the wedding at this point and to just attend as a guest?

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*TTC since 10/09. Last Depo 7/09
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*HSG and all bloodwork 11/11 all clear
*50 mg Clomid/trigger/IUI #1 2/18/12, 1 scrambled egg @ 28mm, DH 111 mil. post wash! = BFFN :(
*The wait is finally over! My husband is home! Deployments suck!
*7-8/12 - surprise BFP! Beta came in at 2, confirmed CP.
*8-9/12 - 50 mg Clomid/trigger/TI/prog., 1 follie @ 22mm = BFN
*9/12 - Femara/estradoil/TI = cycle cancelled, poor response
*10/12 - Femara/Follistim/Trigger/IUI #2 = Triggered, but cancelled IUI and changed to TI due to poor response = BFN
*12/12 - cancelled and on BCP due to 2 large cysts found
*1/13 - Follistim/Ovidrel/Progesterone/IUI #2 = BFP!!! EDD 10/16/13
Beta #1 - 18, progesterone 37.5, Beta #2 - 29, Beta #3 - 27
FU IF!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
*2/13 Switched REs and IUI #3 is pending for March.
Lilypie Angel and Memorial tickers
My Blog: When things go wrong
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Re: It's been awhile. Advice needed on brother's wedding.

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    katyj25 said:

    Hi All! I contemplated the correct board to post this on. If I should XP it elsewhere, please let me know. I have been married for a couple years already so all of this etiquette stuff has escaped me. Here is a short version.

    My little brother is getting married in 2 months. I agreed to be a bridesmaid and for my son to stand up in the wedding also. Since agreeing to do so, this wedding has gotten out of control. I mean really out of control, to the point where my brother actually quit working for the summer so he could work on this wedding. His FI is in school, so the only income they have coming in is from her student assistance. They have money saved up for their rent for the next few months, but nothing beyond that. My brother has been going to my parents and constantly asking for money for spending. My brother has absolutely no problem spending other people's money and his FI just never says a word. All of this is beside the point I guess.

    My point is this, this wedding has gotten so out of control to the point that I can not afford it anymore. Is it massively douchey of me to back out of the wedding at this point and to just attend as a guest?

    What do you mean by "out of control"?  Since you said you can't afford it anymore, do they keep adding extra things and insisting you pay for it?  Your only requirements are attire for you and your son, and to show up.  They need to pay for anything else beyond that (travel expenses aside).  What else have they added?
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    When you agree to be in a wedding your obligations are to purchase the attire (hopefully they asked your budget first - if not you have every right to tell them you can't afford it) and show up at the venue on time.

    Attire does not include accessories (shoes jewelry etc). You do not have to get your hair/make up/nails done. You do not have to stay in a hotel. You do not have to plan any parties. You get the idea.

    If you are asked to do/purchase anything outside of a dress in your budget, you are completely within etiquette to say, "I'm sorry I can't afford XYZ." Repeat as necessary.
    *********************************************************************************

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    AddieCakeAddieCake member
    First Anniversary First Answer First Comment 5 Love Its
    edited June 2013
    Yeah, what are the new, out-of-control expenses?

    ETA: And what kind of wedding is this that one would need to make it his or her full time job in order to plan it?


    What did you think would happen if you walked up to a group of internet strangers and told them to get shoehorned by their lady doc?~StageManager14
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    AddieL73 said:
    Yeah, what are the new, out-of-control expenses?
     
    ETA: And what kind of wedding is this that one would need to make it his or her full time job in order to plan it?
    ditto this.
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    Sorry, I should have explained the expenses.

    A budget was never asked, only assumed.

    When I originally agreed, I did not know my son would be on vacation with his dad, so flying him home was not an expense I had figured on. That one I can live with though.

    The dresses that were chosen by the bride are what I would consider on the higher end of things. I also needed to order my dress huge, because I will be 6 months pregnant and the bride picked short dresses and I need all the fabric I can get for alterations. The dress cost me more, due to the size. Again, not a huge deal.

    Where I start having the big issues are with my brother demanding that the bridesmaids have their hair done a certain way. This wedding is going to be an old Hollywood theme and my brother wants all of the girls to have their hair done to match those times.

    He is also going overboard when it comes to the tuxes. He refuses to settle on anything that can be rented locally. The tuxes he wants must be ordered online and purchased to keep, not to rent. They only include the pants and coat, so there is an extra cost for all of the additional add ons, alterations and shipping. Plus with a 10 year old, it is hard to really know what sizes to order. Having him measured is not always a sure fire thing. If I order one size and he needs another, I have an additional cost to ship it back and order a new one.

    Then let me get into this whole bridal shower/ bachelorette party thing. There are 5 bridesmaids total. I am one and my 17 year old niece is another. My niece is still in school, so does not have a job and has no way to help out with paying for these parties. These parties have also gotten out of control. I literally got an email from one bridesmaid this morning telling me they were going to go out and buy all of these things and just give me a total as to what I owe them. Um what?! I have already replied asking them to set a budget, but I kid you not, everytime I voice an opinion about anything, it gets back to my brother and he biiitches me out. MH and I were on vacation at our cabin this past weekend and my brother honestly text me every.single.day with a different wedding subject and to what he needed me to do and when or to biiitch me out for disagreeing with the other bridesmaids on something.

    Is there a such show as Groomzillas? There seriously needs to be. MH has been joking and calling my brother David Tutera.

     

    imagePhotobucket image
    [IMG]http://i850.photobucket.com/albums/ab70/katyj25/Uni8.jpg[/IMG]
    *TTC since 10/09. Last Depo 7/09
    *Me-31 DH-32
    *HSG and all bloodwork 11/11 all clear
    *50 mg Clomid/trigger/IUI #1 2/18/12, 1 scrambled egg @ 28mm, DH 111 mil. post wash! = BFFN :(
    *The wait is finally over! My husband is home! Deployments suck!
    *7-8/12 - surprise BFP! Beta came in at 2, confirmed CP.
    *8-9/12 - 50 mg Clomid/trigger/TI/prog., 1 follie @ 22mm = BFN
    *9/12 - Femara/estradoil/TI = cycle cancelled, poor response
    *10/12 - Femara/Follistim/Trigger/IUI #2 = Triggered, but cancelled IUI and changed to TI due to poor response = BFN
    *12/12 - cancelled and on BCP due to 2 large cysts found
    *1/13 - Follistim/Ovidrel/Progesterone/IUI #2 = BFP!!! EDD 10/16/13
    Beta #1 - 18, progesterone 37.5, Beta #2 - 29, Beta #3 - 27
    FU IF!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
    *2/13 Switched REs and IUI #3 is pending for March.
    Lilypie Angel and Memorial tickers
    My Blog: When things go wrong
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    Yeah I would drop out. And seriously reconsider my relationship with my brother. He does sound like a groomzilla. But I still don't understand why he had to quit his job to plan a wedding.
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    Let me also add one of the other expenses. This one I have been putting my foot down on.

    With this wedding being an old Hollywood theme, my brother got this brilliant idea to film a movie that will be shown before the ceremony. He is requiring the entire bridal party to be in this movie and to purchase an outfit that would fit the theme and era.

    He demanded that the bridal party make themselves available on Father's Day. Yes, a holiday. He was so pissed at me when I told him I would be spending that day with my husband at the ballpark. He plans to still film me for this movie, but I am not trying to find an outfit for this thing. I doubt I could even find anything maternity that fits that era.

    imagePhotobucket image
    [IMG]http://i850.photobucket.com/albums/ab70/katyj25/Uni8.jpg[/IMG]
    *TTC since 10/09. Last Depo 7/09
    *Me-31 DH-32
    *HSG and all bloodwork 11/11 all clear
    *50 mg Clomid/trigger/IUI #1 2/18/12, 1 scrambled egg @ 28mm, DH 111 mil. post wash! = BFFN :(
    *The wait is finally over! My husband is home! Deployments suck!
    *7-8/12 - surprise BFP! Beta came in at 2, confirmed CP.
    *8-9/12 - 50 mg Clomid/trigger/TI/prog., 1 follie @ 22mm = BFN
    *9/12 - Femara/estradoil/TI = cycle cancelled, poor response
    *10/12 - Femara/Follistim/Trigger/IUI #2 = Triggered, but cancelled IUI and changed to TI due to poor response = BFN
    *12/12 - cancelled and on BCP due to 2 large cysts found
    *1/13 - Follistim/Ovidrel/Progesterone/IUI #2 = BFP!!! EDD 10/16/13
    Beta #1 - 18, progesterone 37.5, Beta #2 - 29, Beta #3 - 27
    FU IF!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
    *2/13 Switched REs and IUI #3 is pending for March.
    Lilypie Angel and Memorial tickers
    My Blog: When things go wrong
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    Yeah, I'd bow out of this shitshow. 

    Purchasing a tux for a 10 year old is redonk. He will fit into it for about a month before he grows out of it. 

    If you decide to remain in the WP, I would just flat out tell your brother and the other BMs that you cannot afford to pay anymore than what you have spent on the the dress. For your son, tell your brother you have $X to spend on your son's tux, if the attire he chooses is more than that, son isn't in the wedding. 

    And just say nay to mandatory hairstyles. "Brother, I am doing my own hair for the wedding. End of story." I normally pay to get my hair done if I'm in the WP, but if a bride tried to tell me the style I had to wear-this mop is getting a self flat iron and I'm calling it a day. 
    image
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    misshart00misshart00 member
    First Anniversary First Answer First Comment 5 Love Its
    edited June 2013
    Your bother has gone off the deep end. He needs a serious wake up call.
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    Yep, I'd be over this. If they want all those extras and special things, they should be paying for them. 


    What did you think would happen if you walked up to a group of internet strangers and told them to get shoehorned by their lady doc?~StageManager14
    image
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    I'd drop out.  "Sorry (brother) but when I accepted I thought the costs for this would be a dress, tux rental, and perhaps co-hosting a shower for your FI.  I can't swing purchasing my son a tux, a professional hairdo, movie outfit and film time, (fill in other madness as necessary), and think it would be best for us to attend as guests".

    And as others have said, you're not obligated to do anything but show up in the dress/tux, and even then the outfits should have been budgeted appropriately with your input.  I'm a BM in a fall wedding and one of the other BMs isn't co-hosting or attending (although we made it very clear to her she is still welcome to attend and we don't think it's a big deal that she isn't contributing) the b-party because she doesn't want to.  It's NBD, she isn't obligated.
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    edited June 2013
    katyj25 said:

    Sorry, I should have explained the expenses.

    A budget was never asked, only assumed.

    Not ok.

    When I originally agreed, I did not know my son would be on vacation with his dad, so flying him home was not an expense I had figured on. That one I can live with though.

    The dresses that were chosen by the bride are what I would consider on the higher end of things. I also needed to order my dress huge, because I will be 6 months pregnant and the bride picked short dresses and I need all the fabric I can get for alterations. The dress cost me more, due to the size. Again, not a huge deal.

    Where I start having the big issues are with my brother demanding that the bridesmaids have their hair done a certain way. This wedding is going to be an old Hollywood theme and my brother wants all of the girls to have their hair done to match those times.

    This is not ok unless they want to pay.

    He is also going overboard when it comes to the tuxes. He refuses to settle on anything that can be rented locally. The tuxes he wants must be ordered online and purchased to keep, not to rent. They only include the pants and coat, so there is an extra cost for all of the additional add ons, alterations and shipping. Plus with a 10 year old, it is hard to really know what sizes to order. Having him measured is not always a sure fire thing. If I order one size and he needs another, I have an additional cost to ship it back and order a new one.

    Ok if it fits in your budget. Not ok if it doesn't unless they want to pay.

    Then let me get into this whole bridal shower/ bachelorette party thing. There are 5 bridesmaids total. I am one and my 17 year old niece is another. My niece is still in school, so does not have a job and has no way to help out with paying for these parties. These parties have also gotten out of control. I literally got an email from one bridesmaid this morning telling me they were going to go out and buy all of these things and just give me a total as to what I owe them. Um what?! I have already replied asking them to set a budget, but I kid you not, everytime I voice an opinion about anything, it gets back to my brother and he biiitches me out. MH and I were on vacation at our cabin this past weekend and my brother honestly text me every.single.day with a different wedding subject and to what he needed me to do and when or to biiitch me out for disagreeing with the other bridesmaids on something.

    Really not ok. If this BM wants to host, fine. She's on her own. If you offer to co-host, you get a say and you get to set a budget. Your brother demanding that you need to do things is unacceptable. If you offer, fine. If you don't, he's on his own.

    Is there a such show as Groomzillas? There seriously needs to be. MH has been joking and calling my brother David Tutera.

    Yes and it sounds like you are related to one.


    katyj25 said:

    Let me also add one of the other expenses. This one I have been putting my foot down on.

    With this wedding being an old Hollywood theme, my brother got this brilliant idea to film a movie that will be shown before the ceremony. He is requiring the entire bridal party to be in this movie and to purchase an outfit that would fit the theme and era.

    This is the stupidest idea I have ever heard. I would be so annoyed as a guest if I had to sit through some home-made movie. I would absolutely not participate in this garbage. No way.

    He demanded that the bridal party make themselves available on Father's Day. Yes, a holiday. He was so pissed at me when I told him I would be spending that day with my husband at the ballpark. He plans to still film me for this movie, but I am not trying to find an outfit for this thing. I doubt I could even find anything maternity that fits that era.

    No. No, no, no. Just no.

    Your brother is absolutely out of line and ridiculous. With this new information I would absolutely drop out and I would tell him why. If he goes groomzilla (likely), oh well. One of two things is going to happen: 1) he will later realize how incredibly ridiculous he was and feel bad/apologize, or 2) he will hold a grudge. You can at least use whether or not he holds a grudge as an indicator if he is still ridiculous, self-centered, and immature.
    *********************************************************************************

    image
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    At this point, I would step down too.  I'm not trying to say anything harsh about your brother, but he doesn't really seem like he'd be receptive to a heart-to-heart about your concerns.  He needs a wake up call, big time, and he might get one if you drop out.

    What does his FI say about all of this? 

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    Thank for everyone for the replies. I replied to the bridesmaids and gave them X amount of dollars that I would be willing to contribute. If they go above and beyond that, they are on their own.

    I will talk to my brother about all of this seperately after I weigh things out.

    PS I hate the new layout of this site. Man, it's been awhile. :)

    imagePhotobucket image
    [IMG]http://i850.photobucket.com/albums/ab70/katyj25/Uni8.jpg[/IMG]
    *TTC since 10/09. Last Depo 7/09
    *Me-31 DH-32
    *HSG and all bloodwork 11/11 all clear
    *50 mg Clomid/trigger/IUI #1 2/18/12, 1 scrambled egg @ 28mm, DH 111 mil. post wash! = BFFN :(
    *The wait is finally over! My husband is home! Deployments suck!
    *7-8/12 - surprise BFP! Beta came in at 2, confirmed CP.
    *8-9/12 - 50 mg Clomid/trigger/TI/prog., 1 follie @ 22mm = BFN
    *9/12 - Femara/estradoil/TI = cycle cancelled, poor response
    *10/12 - Femara/Follistim/Trigger/IUI #2 = Triggered, but cancelled IUI and changed to TI due to poor response = BFN
    *12/12 - cancelled and on BCP due to 2 large cysts found
    *1/13 - Follistim/Ovidrel/Progesterone/IUI #2 = BFP!!! EDD 10/16/13
    Beta #1 - 18, progesterone 37.5, Beta #2 - 29, Beta #3 - 27
    FU IF!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
    *2/13 Switched REs and IUI #3 is pending for March.
    Lilypie Angel and Memorial tickers
    My Blog: When things go wrong
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    I'd step down too.  This really is out of control-especially without a budget.
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    Can you please update us on this trainwreck after you talk to your brother and after the wedding itself?  I'm sorry that you have to deal with this--if my brother pulled this, I would flip out on him.
    Wedding Countdown Ticker
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    I just want to say I agree with the other girls whole heartedly except - is your son going to be super disappointed if he's no longer in the wedding?

    At 10 he's probably old enough to understand that his uncle is being ridiculous and wants stuff that's way too pricey, but if he's excited about it all the logic in the world won't change the fact that he may be upset.  If he really wants to stand up I'd probably try to shift any/all budget to be able to afford the tux (or really try to convince your brother that he'll look adorable in a non-matching suit).

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    I agree with the others, drop out and just attend as a guest. Bring some popcorn to watch the horror unfold! Oh, and come back and tell us how it went please!
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    Your bother has gone off the deep end. He needs a serious wake up call.
    This x1000. I'm so glad you are putting your foot down. His expectations are seriously ridiculous and I wouldn't stand for a family member trying to bully me into spending so much money on their wedding either.
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    I would really step down. Why people think weddings are the be all - end all is so beyond me. It's one day, one party and not worth going broke or crazy over. Please step down and save the money for yourself. SMH.
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    Or, very, VERY firmly say "this is what I can do, this is what I can't do." 10 year old will be in a rented tux. I can contribute $50 to bachelorette party. Etc.

    I'm sorry but quitting a job to plan a wedding? crazy. he has lost his mind.

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    JordanF13 said:
    I agree with the others, drop out and just attend as a guest. Bring some popcorn to watch the horror unfold! Oh, and come back and tell us how it went please!


    I find this absolutely hilarious, because he wants to serve popcorn DURING their ceremony. I wish I was kidding about this shiiit.

    I have not heard back from the bridesmaids after I gave them my dollar contribution, but I will let you all know how it ends up going down.

    imagePhotobucket image
    [IMG]http://i850.photobucket.com/albums/ab70/katyj25/Uni8.jpg[/IMG]
    *TTC since 10/09. Last Depo 7/09
    *Me-31 DH-32
    *HSG and all bloodwork 11/11 all clear
    *50 mg Clomid/trigger/IUI #1 2/18/12, 1 scrambled egg @ 28mm, DH 111 mil. post wash! = BFFN :(
    *The wait is finally over! My husband is home! Deployments suck!
    *7-8/12 - surprise BFP! Beta came in at 2, confirmed CP.
    *8-9/12 - 50 mg Clomid/trigger/TI/prog., 1 follie @ 22mm = BFN
    *9/12 - Femara/estradoil/TI = cycle cancelled, poor response
    *10/12 - Femara/Follistim/Trigger/IUI #2 = Triggered, but cancelled IUI and changed to TI due to poor response = BFN
    *12/12 - cancelled and on BCP due to 2 large cysts found
    *1/13 - Follistim/Ovidrel/Progesterone/IUI #2 = BFP!!! EDD 10/16/13
    Beta #1 - 18, progesterone 37.5, Beta #2 - 29, Beta #3 - 27
    FU IF!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
    *2/13 Switched REs and IUI #3 is pending for March.
    Lilypie Angel and Memorial tickers
    My Blog: When things go wrong
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    This actually sounds like a My Fair Wedding I saw once. Yuck. Good luck! I hope your brother snaps out of it before destroying his finances and relationships.
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    My Big Fat Hollywood Wedding.  Ugh.  In his dreams.
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    katyj25 said:

    Let me also add one of the other expenses. This one I have been putting my foot down on.

    With this wedding being an old Hollywood theme, my brother got this brilliant idea to film a movie that will be shown before the ceremony. He is requiring the entire bridal party to be in this movie and to purchase an outfit that would fit the theme and era.

    He demanded that the bridal party make themselves available on Father's Day. Yes, a holiday. He was so pissed at me when I told him I would be spending that day with my husband at the ballpark. He plans to still film me for this movie, but I am not trying to find an outfit for this thing. I doubt I could even find anything maternity that fits that era.

    Yikes. Seriously? For one thing, that is WAY TOO MUCH to ask of the bridal party. For another thing, no one attending the wedding will want to watch that train-wreck. All of this is beyond unreasonable. I'm sorry you're dealing with this.
    Wedding Countdown Ticker

    image
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    Does anyone remember that Sleepless in Seattle line, "You don't want to be in love.  You want to be in love...in a movie."?

    That's what I think about these weddings I hear about that are just extraordinarily contrived:  "You don't want to be married.  You want to be married in a movie."

    SaveSave
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    Wow - I understand sacrifice for family, but holy moly!!  I let my BM pick their own dresses, I told them who was doing my hair and asked if they wanted in, they said yes so we discussed options and ultimately the stylist came up with something awesome that would fit both girls hair & style, for shoes they mentioned having matching shoes and were back and forth on some pairs so I did some research and found 10+ pairs that were very cheap and cute as hell that could be worn again and again and they ended up going with one of those, I showed them 5 different sets of jewelry and the set they liked I purchased for both since it was the only thing that was kinda more like hey pick one of these, and for nails I told them I had an appointment for the day before and asked if anyone else wanted to come... I would never contemplate saying you have to buy all this stuff, spend all this time doing stuff, and don't you dare complain.  Your brother sounds like he's being a real ass
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    http://media.tumblr.com/2313a5de74c35c164bae51172246b419/tumblr_inline_mlbikjmcwb1qz4rgp.gif

    Run honey, RUN!!!!!!!!

    "Love is the one thing we're capable of perceiving that transcends time and space."


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    Since your brother wants everything to be authentic, tell him you need to withdraw from the wedding. Back in the day, the attendants were single and you're married.  Also, a lady that is 6 months pregnant would not make a display of herself by appearing in public and standing in front of everyone at the wedding.  She would be attired in a demure dark colored dress so as not to accentuate "her condition" (which may make other guests uncomfortable) and would be too delicate to stand for any length of time. ;).  (Boy am I glad times have changed.)  You can decline appearing in his movie and being in the wedding because it wouldn't be proper according to the standards of the day.

    Good luck with Groomzilla.
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