Only children of a certain age at wedding? Help!

jessidinorawr

I apologize, I'm very new here!  I hope it all makes sense.

We haven't set a date yet, but I will be getting married in approximately a year and a half to two years.  My fiancee has a son, who I adore and will be about 11 at the time of our wedding, however, I've always been dead set on a kid-free wedding and reception.  Is it inappropriate to only invite children of a certain age and above as long as there is no deviance?  I'd really like for my future stepson to be a part of our wedding and understand it would be rude to state "no children", but still have him there. 

Another issue that I have is that my MOH has a daughter who will only be about 2 when I get married and she is pretty set on her daughter being part of my wedding, even though I hadn't mentioned it and even told her of my plans to have a kid-free wedding.  I just feel that most children don't care about weddings so they're bored, end up crying or running around, and as selfish as it may sound, it's about me and my fiancee getting married and I'd like to do that, relatively distraction free.  Is there any good way to word that I'd only like kids 10 and up at my wedding/reception?  How do I talk to my MOH about my concerns, even though I love her daughter?  She suggested a babysitting service to be utilized at my wedding and reception, but I feel that some parents will prefer to keep their children with them, so it doesn't eliminate my issue.  Any help would be GREATLY appreciated!

jessidinorawr

Splitting families was definitely a concern of mine, seeing as how my future sister-in-law will, at the time, have a 12 year old daughter, 10 year old stepson, and 4 year old son. (Although, she's just....lovely....and I'm not sure I'd mind if she just didn't show up, haha.)
Thanks for the advice!

misshart00

You can invite just the children of the bridal party.

OliveOilsMom

We only had my nephews and neice attending our wedding.  They were also all apart of my bridal party.  Don't let your MOH twist your arm into having her daughter be in your wedding if you do not want her there.  I think that at 2, she will be too young - but it does usually depend on the child.  My nephew was the RB in my brother's wedding - he just wandered around the chapel between his mom in the pew and his dad as BM.  But when I married a year and a half later, this same nephew was on point and did his job like a pro!

Overall, the best thing to do would be to invite in circles.  WP children only, neices and newphews only, etc.

Kate61487

jessidinorawr said:

I apologize, I'm very new here!  I hope it all makes sense.

We haven't set a date yet, but I will be getting married in approximately a year and a half to two years.  My fiancee has a son, who I adore and will be about 11 at the time of our wedding, however, I've always been dead set on a kid-free wedding and reception.  Is it inappropriate to only invite children of a certain age and above as long as there is no deviance?  I'd really like for my future stepson to be a part of our wedding and understand it would be rude to state "no children", but still have him there. 

Another issue that I have is that my MOH has a daughter who will only be about 2 when I get married and she is pretty set on her daughter being part of my wedding, even though I hadn't mentioned it and even told her of my plans to have a kid-free wedding.  I just feel that most children don't care about weddings so they're bored, end up crying or running around, and as selfish as it may sound, it's about me and my fiancee getting married and I'd like to do that, relatively distraction free.  Is there any good way to word that I'd only like kids 10 and up at my wedding/reception?  How do I talk to my MOH about my concerns, even though I love her daughter?  She suggested a babysitting service to be utilized at my wedding and reception, but I feel that some parents will prefer to keep their children with them, so it doesn't eliminate my issue.  Any help would be GREATLY appreciated!

It would be rude to state "no children" at all - at least officially.  Don't put it on your website or your invitations.  Just address invites to who IS invited and if anyone rsvp's differently call them up and say "sorry for the confusion, the invitation was just for Bill and Sue".

it is TOTALLY okay for you to have just your future step son there.  You don't need to allow all other kids over 10 just to come up with an arbitrary rule.  "only our son" is a 100% acceptable distinction.  If your BM mentions it again just be straight with her - "FI's son will be the only child at the wedding".  It is not your job to provide babysitting services.  Now if it becomes an issue where if the kid can't come the BM will drop out - that's going to have to be your decision to make.  "WP kids only" is also an acceptable rule; or you could make her a FG if she just MUST come but you don't want any other kids there.

Jen4948

Is your MOH a family member?  If not, I'd tell her that only children who are members of the couple's families are invited.

But you can put a very firm foot down and make clear to your MOH that her daughter is not invited if you don't want to include her.  You aren't required to just because your MOH wants you to.  She can get a babysitter for her daughter.

jessidinorawr

Jen, she's not.  She's been my best friend for many, many years and her and her sister are members of my bridal party, her father is baking my cupcakes and they're essentially my second family.  I appreciate the input.  It's not that I feel pressured to include her, it's that I don't want to create tension with their family by creating a situation where she won't be invited.  I do like the idea of only inviting immediate family or WP's children, and I think that would eliminate a lot of the tension. 

I just felt uncomfortable only inviting my son and that's it when hosting a child free wedding.  It seemed awkward to me.

KDM323

I wouldn't even worry about this yet...you may change your mind a year from now.

If you don't - and you reach that point and still only want your future stepson there - then the other ladies have fantastic advice.

southernbelle0915

jessidinorawr said:

I apologize, I'm very new here!  I hope it all makes sense.

We haven't set a date yet, but I will be getting married in approximately a year and a half to two years.  My fiancee has a son, who I adore and will be about 11 at the time of our wedding, however, I've always been dead set on a kid-free wedding and reception.  Is it inappropriate to only invite children of a certain age and above as long as there is no deviance?  I'd really like for my future stepson to be a part of our wedding and understand it would be rude to state "no children", but still have him there.  

Whereas it IS rude to state "no children" or "adults only", it's NOT rude to only invite adults yet still have your future stepson in attendance. That is totally acceptable - especially if he's part of the wedding. If anyone side-eyes that, they are in the wrong.

Another issue that I have is that my MOH has a daughter who will only be about 2 when I get married and she is pretty set on her daughter being part of my wedding, What do you mean "part of the wedding"? You are not required to have her be a flower girl or anything else and your friend would be rude to request it. even though I hadn't mentioned it and even told her of my plans to have a kid-free wedding.  I just feel that most children don't care about weddings so they're bored, end up crying or running around, and as selfish as it may sound, it's about me and my fiancee getting married and I'd like to do that, relatively distraction free.  Is there any good way to word that I'd only like kids 10 and up at my wedding/reception? "We are not having children at the wedding (except for stepson who is a GM/ring bearer/etc). I hope you are still able to stand up in the wedding even if little Suzie cannot attend."  How do I talk to my MOH about my concerns, even though I love her daughter?  She suggested a babysitting service to be utilized at my wedding and reception, You are NOT required to do this, but you can if you want and if you're confident parents use it respectfully and as it is intended - as a free/convenient service provided to them for uninvited guests (i.e. children). If you're not confident, I would let them figure out a sitter. They are responsible for figuring out what to do with their kids. but I feel that some parents will prefer to keep their children with them, so it doesn't eliminate my issue.  Any help would be GREATLY appreciated!

We are having a kid-free wedding for venue size and personal reasons. We just addressed all the invitations to only the adults. So far, I've had one serious reply that said "So no Johnny, right?" on the RSVP. Right. No Johnny. No other problems. If we did have a problem, our go-to line would be, "I'm sorry for any confusion, but the invitation was for you and your husband/wife/SO. I hope you can still attend." No negotiations, no exceptions.

Some people find it more political to invite in circles - so only children of immediate family. Or only children of immediately family and wedding party. Etc. Or to have an age cut-off as you suggest. Neither approach is required, though, and you can invite whoever you want. 

Think of it this way. If your MOH received an invitation addressed to her and her husband for a fundraiser, would she bring along little Suzie or expect that babysitting services be provided? No. Same thing with a wedding. If the invitation is addressed to her and her husband, she needs to figure out what to do with little Suzie. It's rude to assume invitations are for anyone outside of the addressees and/or that services should be provided to them because they have children that require supervision.

vineheart137

That's not awkward, I don't see how anybody would be offended that you allowed your fiance's SON to come to your otherwise child-free wedding. The only problem with that is that as the only child there, he'll probably be pretty bored. But otherwise, there is nothing wrong with only allowing your son and no other children.

NOLAbridealmost

StageManager14 said:

Setting an arbitrary age is begging for trouble.  Children aren't all or nothing any more than adults are.  Invite the children that you want there and don't invite the ones you don't want.  If that means JUST FI's son, then that's even better.  I cannot imagine anyone not being able to comprehend why your stepson is there and not other kids.

Exactly this.  It's the GROOM'S son.   If anyone can't get why there's an exception for that particular kid, they've got way bigger problems than you can fix.

Neet2002

My mom and dad are paying for my wedding and already my mom and I are in dispute about this. Neither my fiancé or I have children but my mom is insisting that my younger cousins be at the wedding and reception. I do not want any kids there especially at the reception. I'm trying to find a tactful way of saying this is OUR day!!

southernbelle0915

Neet2002 said:

My mom and dad are paying for my wedding and already my mom and I are in dispute about this. Neither my fiancé or I have children but my mom is insisting that my younger cousins be at the wedding and reception. I do not want any kids there especially at the reception. I'm trying to find a tactful way of saying this is OUR day!!

A tactful way of saying "this is OUR day" is to pay for it with YOUR money and then you don't have to involve anyone but each other in your decision making. Until you're paying for it yourself, donors get a say.

LavenderHoneyBee

Have it be "No children." No one will bat an eye that your son is there - he belongs there. Or, just spread the word you'll only be inviting children over the 10 per the venues request.

southernbelle0915

LavenderHoneyBee said:

Have it be "No children." No one will bat an eye that your son is there - he belongs there. Or, just spread the word you'll only be inviting children over the 10 per the venues request.

If your venue doesn't have an age requirement (most don't) and/or this is not the reason for your decision, please do not lie to your guests.

ketonra

On my invites, I wrote:

The Bride and Groom wish to have a Ceremony and Reception with children over the age of 16 only.

LavenderHoneyBee

This doesn't belong on the invites. You should address the invites to those you are inviting, and can always spread the no children policy by word of mouth. 

jessidinorawr

My mom and dad are paying for my wedding and already my mom and I are in dispute about this. Neither my fiancé or I have children but my mom is insisting that my younger cousins be at the wedding and reception. I do not want any kids there especially at the reception. I'm trying to find a tactful way of saying this is OUR day!!

You may want to check out my other post on this board about my overbearing mother and her opinions on kids at my wedding, I've gotten some helpful hints as to how to deal with that

michellemayawheeler

This is wedding..you set the rule. A lot of people say you should be fair, but I donot. I say this is your event.

 

So you have invitation..with the name. I do not want someone that young at my wedding. This is why you have the inner inviation envelope.

crunchymamaof2

ketonra said:

On my invites, I wrote:

The Bride and Groom wish to have a Ceremony and Reception with children over the age of 16 only.

OP please don't do this. If you don't want children, don't invite them. You don't put their name on the invites and no where (not even your website) should stay "adults only" or "children not invited" or "only kids xx and older". It's rude and unnecessary. Personally I think having an age cut off is a bad idea because you can split up families and that's never good. If anyone rsvps with their child(ren) you just nicely but firmly state "I'm sorry the invite was for you and xx only. I hope you can still attend!" and drop it.

I highly doubt anyone will bat an eye about your FSS being there. Totally okay! 

jessidinorawr

I hadn't planned on addressing that on my invitations or website anywhere, as I assumed that it would be clear if I invited the addressees only, it would get the point across.  I do plan on inviting certain children and the more I've thought and taken the advice received here, the more I'm leaning toward only inviting the children of my wedding party and my stepson.  It should amount to no more than 3-4 children, which I would be just fine with.

I just don't want my MOH to strong-arm me into making her daughter PART of my wedding (she requested that she be a flower girl and I'm not okay with that, being that she will only be 2. I don't think she'll be interested and with a child that young, usually ends in catastrophe.  I've voiced my concerns to her and she seems to understand, but was still fairly firm on her daughter being there, which we've discussed and I understand.  We're working that all out and she seemed to definitely get my point of view on this one.