Bridal Shower guests, but not invited to the wedding...?

k&mokeefe

I know generally, that it is a BIG "No-No" to invite people to the Bridal Shower, that weren't invited to the wedding...but here is my dilemma. We are getting married on a cruise ship at sea, and were limited to only 25 guests we could invite and that will be cruising with us. So needless to say, there are a few relatives and friends that were not invited. I still want those people to feel included and thought maybe inviting them to the Bridal Shower would be a good way to do it....but still conflicted due to the "normal" way these things work. Any advice would be greatly appreciated!

Gisellerina

Since the point of a Bridal Shower is to "shower" the bride with gifts, it would be very rude to invite people who are not invited to the wedding.  I think a post-wedding reception/dinner/party afterwards would be nice though.   

QueerFemme

k&mokeefe said:

I know generally, that it is a BIG "No-No" to invite people to the Bridal Shower, that weren't invited to the wedding...but here is my dilemma. We are getting married on a cruise ship at sea, and were limited to only 25 guests we could invite and that will be cruising with us. So needless to say, there are a few relatives and friends that were not invited. I still want those people to feel included and thought maybe inviting them to the Bridal Shower would be a good way to do it....but still conflicted due to the "normal" way these things work. Any advice would be greatly appreciated!

People aren't "included" by inviting them to a party to give you a gift.  If you want to host a dinner party or something after the wedding, that's fine. But don't invite anyone to a shower that isn't invited to the wedding.

You made a decision by getting married on a cruise ship and having a small guest list. That means, smaller or possibly no shower. 

Blue_Bird

This is actually really simple. If you want to include all of these people you care about, choose a venue that will accommodate them all at the wedding. Inviting them to a shower is just shaking them down for gifts. I know that's not what you mean, but  that's what it is.

k&mokeefe

Wow, I didn't realize this was going to a bash-fest....guess my family/friends are different....I guess I should have stated that it was my Mom's idea to invite those who couldn't be invited to the wedding to the Bridal Shower, so they still felt incorporated in the process, where as I felt almost embarrassed to even think to do that, since I know what a "foe-pa" it is to do that, but she felt they would be offended if I didn't even invite them to the Bridal Shower....and not for the "Showering of Presents" but to celebrate. If you have actual advise...thanks for that...but if your just going to be mean....keep your comments to yourself.

QueerFemme

k&mokeefe said:

Wow, I didn't realize this was going to a bash-fest....guess my family/friends are different....I guess I should have stated that it was my Mom's idea to invite those who couldn't be invited to the wedding to the Bridal Shower, so they still felt incorporated in the process, where as I felt almost embarrassed to even think to do that, since I know what a "foe-pa" it is to do that, but she felt they would be offended if I didn't even invite them to the Bridal Shower....and not for the "Showering of Presents" but to celebrate. If you have actual advise...thanks for that...but if your just going to be mean....keep your comments to yourself.

No one was mean.  We are giving you blunt, honest opinions and telling you what other people will be thinking, but won't say to your face.  Even you felt like it would be a FAUX PAS.  If YOU thought that, and there are a dozen strangers telling you the same thing, you don't think your friends and family will likely feel the same way?  

ETA:  I did give you advice on how to include people. Host a party after the wedding.

Viczaesar

k&mokeefe said:

Wow, I didn't realize this was going to a bash-fest....guess my family/friends are different....I guess I should have stated that it was my Mom's idea to invite those who couldn't be invited to the wedding to the Bridal Shower, so they still felt incorporated in the process, where as I felt almost embarrassed to even think to do that, since I know what a "foe-pa" it is to do that, but she felt they would be offended if I didn't even invite them to the Bridal Shower....and not for the "Showering of Presents" but to celebrate. If you have actual advise...thanks for that...but if your just going to be mean....keep your comments to yourself.

First, it's faux pas, not "foe-pa."  Second, it doesn't matter in the slightest whose idea it was, it's still wrong.  Third, nobody bashed you, and every single person posted advice (note, not advise). 

calliopeia2013

Actual advice; not bashing:

Despite what your mom says, people will be offended if you invite them to a shower but not to the wedding, because, whether you mean it that way or not, it comes across as very greedy, even when it is completely well-meant, because the purpose of a shower is to give gifts.  Some people may not be offended, but more people will feel offended than not.

Why don't you consider having a get-together with these folks after the wedding to celebrate?

AddieCake

I would never feel "included" if I was invited to the shower but not the wedding, no matter what the circumstances. Since a shower is for gift giving, I would feel like you wanted my gift. I would much rather be invited to something after the fact that was NOT a gift-giving event. Then I'd feel like you wanted nothing more than to celebrate with me. 

NYCMercedes

How is saying "No" being mean?

tammym1001

I am only having 25 guests at my wedding. I have a couple of friends who said they understood why we're having a small wedding, but then they asked if they could still come to my shower and b-party. I told them that it was against etiquette to invite guests to pre-wedding parties if they weren't invited to the wedding and they basically told me screw etiquette it will hurt our feelings if you don't invite us. If you have people like that I say you can invite them, but I wouldn't go around inviting everyone because you don't know how they feel about that. I'm inviting these two girls even though they aren't invited to the wedding because it would upset them if I didn't.

k&mokeefe

Thank you very much for your insight, experience and advice (calliopeia2013, AddieL73 & tammym1001) also to Gisellerina & FierceFemme for suggestions. I will look into doing a post-wedding get together for those who either couldn't attend or couldn't be invited, and that way the gentlemen could be included as well.

A side note to RetreadBride - In no way shape or form did this have anything to do with people giving me gifts or that I think highly of myself - I understand that's how you took it and the whole "shower" aspect of it all - I saw it as more of a celebration, not to get presents - All of my friends/family know that I am not a materialistic person & I would care less if I got presents or not - suppose that's something I should have stated in the first place - but seeing as how that is how you would take it, maybe others would too, sorry you took it the wrong way.

Gisellerina

k&mokeefe - glad I could help.  I did not read your original post as you wanting more gifts - I've had friends in real life who had the same idea as you - and they had it with good intentions too - wanting to celebrate their marriage with people who couldn't be there and not realizing that because there is a specific purpose to the Bridal Shower - the "showering" of gifts - that it could be taken the wrong way and come across as selfish and/or greedy. 

I'm sure your post-wedding party/event/get-together will be a lot of fun for your friends and family!  Good luck with your planning!

k&mokeefe

Gisellerina - Exactly!! I'm glad someone understood where I was coming from and my intentions. Yeah, I'm looking forward to planning the post-wedding get together! Should be a good time! Thanks again!

Jen4948

k&mokeefe said:

I know generally, that it is a BIG "No-No" to invite people to the Bridal Shower, that weren't invited to the wedding...but here is my dilemma. We are getting married on a cruise ship at sea, and were limited to only 25 guests we could invite and that will be cruising with us. So needless to say, there are a few relatives and friends that were not invited. I still want those people to feel included and thought maybe inviting them to the Bridal Shower would be a good way to do it....but still conflicted due to the "normal" way these things work. Any advice would be greatly appreciated!

If you want those people to feel "included," then invite them to your wedding.   You can't have it both ways by not inviting them to your wedding but wanting them to be "included."

And in fact, if I were "included" by being invited to a shower but not the wedding, I would merely feel solicited for gifts. That wouldn't make me feel "included" at all.

avaday2u

I'm in the same boat as you OP... My Aunt and FSILs are wanting to give us a party before the wedding... Now reading all of this I'm having second thoughts...

cbrown828

I declined a shower from my FI's family because his mother insisted on inviting people who ar enot invited to the shower. She is of the mindset that they'd rather be invited to at least one thing rather than nothing at all, and inviting them to none of the pre-wedding parties would be rude. I absolutely disagree and declined the shower. This is part of us choosing to have a small wedding with the closest friends and family. Life's full of hard choices and honest people.